Main

8 posts from November 2009

November 30, 2009

THE STING OF SARCASM DOESN’T BELONG IN RELATIONSHIPS

Lately I’ve been seeing the effects of sarcasm everywhere.  Whether it’s watching my own family, my friends’ families or the families of my clients, sarcasm still has that same familiar sting.  Sarcasm comes from the Greek word sarkasmos or sarkazein, which means to tear flesh, or to bite the lips in rage. 

The purpose of sarcasm is to mock others.  The better the cut-down, the funnier we think it is.  Sarcasm hurts because it is meant to hurt. 

Sarcasm is often an unspoken truth, judgment or resentment wrapped up as a joke.  We throw out a comment and then follow it up with a smile or a chuckle and think that’s okay.  It’s just a little joke.  Unfortunately, the smile or chuckle does not soften the sting.

Continue reading "THE STING OF SARCASM DOESN’T BELONG IN RELATIONSHIPS" »

November 24, 2009

TIPS FOR NEWLY WEDS

For those of you new to the world of marriage (and even those of us not so new to marriage), here a few good tips to help you start out this journey on the right foot.  Listen to this advice and I promise you will be ten steps ahead of most marriages!
1.    Always listen to what your partner has to say—even if you disagree.  Listening to understand their point of view will save you countless arguments in the future.  Most of us just want to feel heard—not agreed with.  Your partner needs to feel that you respect their view point because you respect them.  You do not need to DO what they say-–just LISTEN to what they say. 
2.    Do not defend, dismiss or minimize your partner’s upsets.  When you minimize or defend against what your partner is telling you, they grow tired of telling you things.  Eventually, they give up on working things out with you because they assume you will just defend against it or minimize it.  They begin to think it’s not worth their breath.  That’s when the distance happens.  Have the courage to own your part and stop defending.
3.    Learn to make clear agreements up front.  For example, my husband and I have an agreement that if we are going to be more than an hour late, we had better call.  Other couples will agree that if you say you’re going to be home by 6 p.m., you better be home by 6 p.m.  There’s no right or wrong agreement as long as you BOTH agree.

Continue reading "TIPS FOR NEWLY WEDS" »

November 20, 2009

SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP

Is your relationship mediocre or toxic?  Many people know when their relationship isn’t as good as they would like. They realize there’s something missing, yet they think most relationships are missing something.  Where people get stuck is in realizing when a relationship isn’t ideal versus when a relationship is toxic.  Here’s a quick list of signs that your relationship may be toxic:

1.    There is any type of physical abuse going on in the relationship.  If there is any physical abuse going on (hitting, pinching, pushing, pulling hair, slapping, etc.) then your relationship is toxic.  This is true even if the abuse happens only twice a year.  What you need to know about this is that abusers will abuse no matter who they are with—it’s not about you.  It’s about the abuser.  The bottom line is that abusers rely on others to allow their abuse.
2.    One partner is having an affair (or multiple affairs) and is not willing to give it up.  When you stay with a partner who’s having an ongoing affair, it is toxic to your system.  You start questioning your own attractiveness, you begin to hate the fact that you “can’t” seem to leave and you begin to cling to your partner out of desperation.  Your fear of losing your partner results in your accepting all sorts of unacceptable behavior.  The ripple effect of your staying in this situation is self esteem issues, depression, lack of self respect and even physical/health problems.

Continue reading "SIGNS OF A TOXIC RELATIONSHIP" »

November 18, 2009

GETTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIPS STILL IN TACT:-)

Regardless of whether you love the holidays or dread them, they can be very stressful.  Many people are trying to manage work, home, holidays, in-laws, traditions and finances all at once.  Under the best of circumstances this can be somewhat daunting.  If you’re also the one entertaining, it can be that much harder.

You can make it, however, with minimal damage if you pay attention to the following holiday and entertaining tips:
1.    Be yourself—not who you think everyone else wants you to be.  If you’re not into the finest china and most beautiful décor, then don’t try to force it.  Don’t try to put on a show for others.  Play to your strengths and don’t sign up for guilt.  If you tend to be more laid back, then have a laid back dinner.
2.    Relax and use your boundaries.  Remember that other people’s upsets are not always about you. Don’t try so hard to make everyone happy; instead just provide a calm environment in which people can be themselves.  Remember that some people love family gatherings while others hate them.  If someone in your family’s off by themselves, don’t take it personally.  Let them take care of themselves and you take care of yourself.

Continue reading "GETTING THROUGH THE HOLIDAYS WITH YOUR RELATIONSHIPS STILL IN TACT:-)" »

November 11, 2009

FROM HOUSEWIFE TO PARTNER: ARE YOU COURAGEOUS ENOUGH TO MAKE THE SWITCH? Teamwork in Relationships

I noticed a tweet on Twitter this morning that said, “Hubby has the day off so he's home. So I can't play around like I normally do. I have to clean and cook and all of that crap. Ugh.”  When I re-tweeted this with a “Why?” at the beginning of the retweet, this is the response I got back: “Guess I feel like I have to live up to the "housewife" name when he's at home ;).”

I’m sure this person is not alone in her thinking.  I know many women who believe they have to take care of 90% of the housework in addition to being the primary parent for the children.  Many of these same women also work full time jobs outside the home.  Some do carry the bulk of the household load because they believe this is just what women do—that’s the way it is.  Others believe that if they didn’t do it, no one else would.  They may fear that their partner would become angry at any demands put on him.  They also fear that asking for help would upset the family system.

The fact that these women carry the bulk of the load is not necessarily the problem.  If a woman likes to be in charge of the household and children, then there’s no problem with her taking on that role.  The problem arises however, when she takes all this on out of a sense of duty, obligation or fear.  Taking on the bulk of the family and household responsibilities out of duty, obligation or fear is the quickest road to resentment, depression and miserable relationships.  It is not a gift to your family—it is an anchor dragging you down.

Continue reading "FROM HOUSEWIFE TO PARTNER: ARE YOU COURAGEOUS ENOUGH TO MAKE THE SWITCH? Teamwork in Relationships" »

November 09, 2009

SELF-CONFIDENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU THROWING YOURSELF UNDER THE BUS TO HELP OTHERS FEEL BETTER?

Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
Mariann Williamson

Time and time again I hear people minimizing their accomplishments, down playing their successes or magnifying their faults in an effort to avoid the possibility that those around them will feel bad.  I see this process especially  with women.  We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t brag, rub our successes in or make the other person feel bad by talking about the things going well for us.  What we don’t realize is we can’t make other people feel anything.  If someone feels jealous because of something I have, something I accomplished or one of my successes, that’s about them—it’s not about me.  And—it’s not being a good friend.

The other day I had a most refreshing conversations with a friend.  It was also an odd conversation, since the dynamic that happened happens so seldom with women.  At the beginning of the conversation I was sharing about various stresses going on in my life and doing my fair share of whining.  I then asked about how things were going with her and she proceeded to tell me all the wonderful things that were happening for her.  She was talking about what a good place she was in, how her children were settling in well and how fortunate she was feeling in all aspects of her life.  It was inspiring on many levels.

Continue reading "SELF-CONFIDENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU THROWING YOURSELF UNDER THE BUS TO HELP OTHERS FEEL BETTER?" »

November 05, 2009

LAYOFFS, FINANCIAL STRUGGLES & JOB INSECURITIES: WHAT SHOULD COUPLES DO?

More and more couples are feeling the ripple effect of a struggling economy.  Layoffs are a reality for many couples.  Even those couples who currently have jobs are often fearful they won’t have them for long.  Couples are struggling to get through these times without losing their homes, jobs or entire savings.

Not surprisingly, all these concerns can take a toll on relationships.  Under increased stress, couples tend to fight more, have less patience with one another and can distance from one another if they’re not careful.  Fear and anxiety can leave us all somewhat ragged if we don’t keep it in check.  For those couples feeling the stress of the economy, here are a few tips to help you to stay centered and connected through the stress:

1.    Remember that you’re a team.  The reality is that what effects one of you, affects both of you.  If you’re the one who is facing a layoff, remember that it is not just your issue.  Talk to your partner about what’s going on so you can both put your heads together and address the issues as a team.  When one partner tries to handle everything alone it creates distance between the couple.  It also uses only half the resources available.  If one partner is particularly anxious about the future, it’s helpful for the other partner to try to be more grounded.  A little anxiety is fine, however it will not help your family if you are both feeding off one another’s anxiety.  Someone needs to be the calm voice that says things will be okay.  It’s okay if that role shifts back and forth—as long as that voice is somewhere in the equation.

Continue reading "LAYOFFS, FINANCIAL STRUGGLES & JOB INSECURITIES: WHAT SHOULD COUPLES DO?" »

November 03, 2009

MEN, WOMEN AND ANGER: SHOULD THE WORLD ACCEPT RAGE FROM BOTH MEN AND WOMEN?

A blog writer from the blog Tres Sugar in the UK writes in a post: “While uncontrolled anger or physical violence is nothing for either sex to be proud of, does it bother you that women are expected to be ashamed of their anger since society often tolerates male rage?” http://www.tressugar.com/5455426

I found this to be an interesting comment.  My take is our society should stop tolerating male rage, NOT, start tolerating female rage.  Rage is abusive regardless of whether it’s coming from a man, woman or child.  The last thing we need is to be more tolerant of rage rather than less tolerant.  

What do you think?

Challenge: Read the link and tell us what you think.

Connect with Lisa

Icon Email

Icon Twitter

Icon Facebook

Icon Linkedin

Icon YouTube

Icon Blog Feed

Subscribe to Straight Talk 4 Women

Enter your email address to receive
updates every time I post


Powered by FeedBlitz

Listen to Podcasts

Purchase Products

Attend an Event

Training for Therapists