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December 03, 2009

AFFAIRS AND THE OTHER WOMAN: LIES OTHER WOMEN TELL THEMSELVES

IStock_000007030859XSmall With all the hype about Tiger Woods and the alleged other women, I thought I'd address affairs from a different angle.  Below are myths that many of the other women in the world believe.  While I understand how and why they believe these stories, let me be clear that they are all MYTHS.

1.    I’m his true love.  You may feel like his true love, however chances are his wife was also his true love at first.  Most relationships are intimate and great in the beginning—your affair is no different.  Affairs are easy to be intimate in -- you don’t have the demands of kids, jobs, finances, keeping things interesting after being together for ten years, etc.   
2.    His wife is cold and doesn’t know how to keep him happy.  His wife is not the cold, frigid witch that you may think she is or that he may paint her to be.  I know many married couples who were having sex throughout the man’s affair and reported being happy with one another.  Not everything the man tells you is true.  More often than not, he’s lying to you the same way he’s lying to his wife; you’re no different.  I can’t tell you how many other women were hurt to find out that their lover and his wife were still having sex.  The other women were shocked to find out that the men were lying to them too.  Don’t think you’re above his lies—you’re not.  Be careful about thinking his wife is a cold witch because some day he’s likely to say the same about you.


3.    “I don’t care if he’s married.  I don’t care about his wife—that’s her problem.”  The notion that your sleeping with another woman’s husband is her problem is a lie you’re telling yourself.  It’s your problem, too.  If you were healthy, you would never be hooking up with someone who’s married because you would know that he was NOT healthy.  Be attracted to him—yes.  Sleep with him—no.  When you sleep with a married man, you tell yourself that you’re not good enough to be someone’s number one.  In addition, when you stop caring about the impact you have on other people in the world, you become the cold, uncaring witch you thought his wife was.  Being hurtful to others has a way of coming back to haunt us.  The more integrity you have in this lifetime, the better you and those around you will feel.  Start caring about who you impact because ultimately that will impact you.
4.    He is going to leave his family for me.  I can count on one hand the number of men who have left their families for an affair partner.  More times than not, they beg their wives not to leave them once the wives find out.  For those men who are conflicted, they still struggle with leaving their children even if they don’t care about their wives.  It is a long, painful process for everyone involved.  If the man you’re with doesn’t care about either his wife or his children—why do you want him?
5.    Once he leaves his wife, I will have his full attention and it will just be us.  Once he leaves his wife, he will be guilt-ridden about losing his family and not seeing his children as much as he used to.  You will never have him all to yourself—that is not how life works.  If he has children, you will ALWAYS be sharing him with them.  His children (if he is at all a good father) will always be a priority in his life. 

Affairs are damaging to everyone involved—including the other women.  You sell yourself short when you decide to be with someone who is already committed to someone else.  The likelihood of him cheating on you and lying to you just as he does to his wife is high.  Your thinking poorly of his wife because of the stories he tells you is naïve.  Do yourself and every other woman in the world a favor and stay away from married men.  Seldom are the relationships what they seem -- your relationship with him or his relationship with his wife.  Stop hurting families and pretending it’s not your fault.  Stop selling yourself short and find someone you can truly be intimate with.  If this man was meant to be that person, he wouldn’t be balancing his time between two (or more) women.  Get smart, get in integrity and GET OUT.

CHALLENGE:  Stop telling yourself that you’re different or that he loves you or…and begin to look at the picture in front of you.  What damage are you and he causing?  Have you caught him in a lie?  If not, how do you know?  How does he talk about his wife?  How do you feel knowing he’s with her, too?  If that doesn’t bother you, where is it that you learned to settle for so little?

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I also wanted to say that sometimes these women are sociopaths and narcissist and play a role of someone they're really not, making the man that is cheating just as much a victim of the affair as his family that he has left. This kind of man is weak minded and normally verbally abused by the Other Woman. She will tell him things like "You aren't a real man at all" "You're a piece of Shit" "You need to be true to yourself" Well, he is truly trying to be himself, but she is beating these kinds of things into his mind. Eventually, the weak minded person will start believing it all and living up to the standards this person is repeating to them. Amongst other things, she will punish him in different sorts of ways, like locking him out when he decides to go to the bar. Tell him he isn't allowed to come back for the night because she knows he is probably cheating on her. etc... I wonder what we as their Spouses can do about this sort of thing?

The grass isn't always greener on the other side. It is however greener where you water it and or like the woman above said, where the septic tank is. This is a great post. But, needs to address the Other Woman that the Husband has moved in with and left his whole family devastated over also.

My husband has been having an affair with another woman. She claimed she was in a physically abusive marriage and is now divorced.

As soon as she came in my husband's life, he walked out on us and left me and my 3 yr old daughter. Then on, he has been abusive and very very obnoxious. He hurts me each time we speak and calls me names- whore etc. I have been faithful to him all through and yet he blames this on me.

He is still with that woman and wants to file a divorce on the pretext that I am doing mental cruelty by making false allegations on him.

I have all the proof needed.
I am devastated!!

I had just found out a month ago that the guy I had been seeing was in a relationship with another woman. He had lied to me and had me thinking that we were going to be together all the while he was telling her that he loved her and that she was special. This devastated me because my intentions were good and I thought I was seeing and sleeping with a single man. The other woman doesn't always know the truth because of the lies that the man is telling them. Had I known there was another, I would have left him alone. The thing is that this guy was a longtime friend from school who had persued me for years and then I finally given in only to find this out. I found out through facebook. I personally believe that facebook and any form of social media can be helpful and destructive to a relationship. I decided in my heart to completely cut him off. And now I'm moving on to something greater. The other woman may not be the witch everyone thinks she is, she simply could have been left in the dark and had no clue what was really going on. The true witches are the unfaithful bf/gf or husbands/wives that knowingly and willingly cheated!

Dear Alexandrite: Absolutely, you are correct that when the men lie about their status and the women don't know they're involved with someone else that it is not the woman's fault. Those are not the "other women" I'm speaking about in this post. I'm sorry you had to experience this from such a long time friend who I'm imagining you thought you could trust. Take good care of yourself and be glad you found this out now rather than two years into a serious relationship. Good for yu for moving on to something better--i wish more women had your strength!
Take Care-Lisa

You reap what you sow!! Later, longer, and more of it! God does not tell us to do or not do something and we do as we want and not see any consequences. It is a very selfish act. The grass is greener on the other side, it always is greener where the septic tank is. It is not worth it!!!

Lisa, this is an awesome article! How can I send this article to the woman that conned my husband of 24 years to have sex with her. I haven't written to her although my husband gave me her email address, I got all the emails they were sending to each other, and that is how the affair came out to the open! I confronted him and he told me everything, even that she has a hysterectomy, and could not have kids. It got to me because I told him that he has a wife with all her organs and decides to have sex with a----- that has a huge hole!! I really told him off and told him to leave. I believe she is so cheap and cannot have a husband for a long time like I have. All her marriages end up short. She sent my husband an airline ticket and he is with her moping and guilt ridden because after I found out the truth all he did was crying day and night for what he did. Some say they are Baptist and religious and they have no morals,they are not teaching their daughters the right way because women should get their own man and not be a home wrecker!!!!!
DEAR ALEGRE: I'm very sorry for your situation and pain. I can hear your anger in your comment and can totally understand why you feel so angry. I do however, want you to realize that some, if not most, of your anger should be at your husband. No one can make or con him into having sex with them without your husband's willingness to do so. I absolutely agree that women should not sleep with a man who is in a committed relationship with someone else, however, I'm more concerned that you're viewing your husband as a victim to her whiles. He is not a victim in this and in fact is an active participant. Focus your anger on him since he is the one who betrayed you and he was the one who was supposed to honor and cherish you. the other woman has enough of her own issues to work out--don't get caught up in her drama.
On another note--thousands of women have had hysterectomy's and are no less a woman than they were before the operation. Don't let that piece of information lead you to think that she's damaged in some way. This is your pain talking and your misplaced anger. Realize that what your husband did was hurtful and HIS CHOICE. Hold him accountable for his choices rather than putting most of the blame on her. She was wrong, however, she wasn't the one you married; he's the one you need to work through this with.
Focus on getting yourself stronger and be clear with him about what you will and will not accept.
Warm regards-Lisa

I became involved with an old friend after the loss of a dear mutual friend. Our relationship was on the phone and on line. I was in a very confused place after the loss of our friend. My husband who is a wonderful man and I had not had sex in a very long while. This man made me feel sexy, made me feel that he loved me and told me so, and that we could do this and it would be okay. I knew this was sordid but convinced myself he could be my soulmate as we did not get together earlier on many years ago. He also has a physical disability and I felt needed by him. He is verbally adept and at knowing how to seduce. His wife found our emails on his computer. I felt for her. I still wanted him despite this. He ended up cutting me off saying I was too needy. He wanted me like remote control. He was the one who pursued me in the beginning and it felt wonderful. I was too needy. I did not care about the consequences. I am working through this in individual therapy and couples counseling. He was emotionally abusive to me and blamed it on his illness and on me. I still can't believe I still have feelings for him. He was a friend and seemingly more okay many years ago. He is lucky to still have a wife and me,my husband. I believe we can all fall into things like this if we fall asleep to our own boundaries and vulnerabilities. I was not a good friend to myself, to my friend by saying "no", or to my best friend, my husband. This is human and I am currently trying to forgive myself as well as let this person go in my mind and heart.

Lisa,this is an excellent article! I've seen the same thing over & over & it's sad, but true. And, Summer I love your response & your "testimony". There are some women that have no remorse about it & refuse to be responsible or accountable. I've known & watched women make it a point to trap a married man, like it's a game. God will bless you for for being humble! Summer, your comment gave me hope. It's so discouraging to see the other women flaunting around about being the other woman in the media, etc., while the souls of wives and children bleed. Don't these other women know that their blood (innocent wife/children) is on their hands, too?

What the other woman has to realize is that it's not hard to get a man to have sex with you, and you are not the only woman who has been hit on by a married man. Ask a prostitute. Just say no. You are not healthy, as Lisa stated, if you can't see all this.

Wow Lisa, I've seen all 5 points, too. You nailed it. Thanks for the wisdom.

I was living w/my boyfriend when I found out he was having an affair with someone he dated before me. I found out because this woman took it upon herself to call me and tell me. She would call me private and tell me he was in love with another woman that I would soon learn my lesson because he loved her and he didnt love me. He was using me, etc. she would stalk our house and throw things on my car.....when I investigated and found out he was seeing her, I ended it with him. He pleaded and begged for him to stay and all the while this woman continued harrassing me, following me, stalking, calling the house....I didn't take him back and now he's with her. But everything you say in this article is so true. If she thinks she'll be happy w/him, all the things she did will come back to haunt her.

I feel this article I must comment on. I have been on both sides of this fence, I have been cheated on, he left me for the other woman, they married. They also divorced. I was heartbroken.
I then had an affair with a married man- He left his wife- divorced her and wanted to marry me- We were friends to begin with which made it all the more painful, I could not marry him- and pleaded with him to go back to his wife - Told him I did NOT love him like his wife did. He was a good man - he really was, but as life goes, temptation IS ALL AROUND US AT ALL TIMES, it does get messy-
\He did take my advise,they did remarry- SHE came to see me and asked ME NOT to feel guilty for what happened.
The tragedy . NOT only did we do a grave injustice to each other and her, we ALL lost a great friendship FOREVER< I have NEVER seen nor spoken with this couple to this day.
Affairs are Temptations that are acted upon- When someone tells you that flirting is harmless , and does not mean anything, harmless fun, DO NOT get into that mind game-- IT does a great deal of damage- because IT SELDOM EVER stays in that flirting mode.When you flirt YOU HURT in the end; if in a married or committed relationship, no matter what anyone tells YOU.THERE IS NO such thing as harmless flirting!!!!SOMEONE is going to hurt from it.
YES, married men lie and married woman lie.They lie to their wife, their lover and even to themselves/ They cheat because they can- IF you make it known , that game is OFF limits- and they continue to flirt, you will head to a divorce lawyer.
It is sad - what happens to people lives, their children's lives and their families.
The lord did not write the ten commandment for himself, he wrote it for OUR good NOT his. HE knew the pain that follows when we do as we want,not as we should. Cheating will continue as it always has-men will look at other woman with lust in heart, women will at men- lives WILL be ruined and children will be left without a Father or a Mother - their safety net will be taken away, and no one will take notice anymore -nor care enough to say (GOD will have his day when we will ALL be judged- for what we say and do today.

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