January 20, 2010


Have you ever noticed how often people ignore their gut?

•    Tony’s girlfriend tells him she’s going to leave him if he doesn’t marry her.  His first thought is it would be a relief.  He quickly feels bad for having that thought and stuffs it down.
•    Joan finds out her husband has been talking on sex chat rooms.  Three years ago she caught him doing the same thing.  For a split second she wonders if he’s a sex addict.  She pushes the thought away.

Regardless of whether the topic is marriage, affairs, addictions or trust—too many people ignore their instincts.  And it costs them.

People ignore their instinct for many reasons: not wanting to feel bad, fear it may be true, fear it may break up the relationship, self doubt, the other person’s explanations, etc.  Too often we are too scared and don’t want to rock the boat.

The problem, however, is that boat is going to rock at some point if we don’t address the issue.  Pia Mellody has a great saying: “Hug your demons or they’re going to bite you in the ass.”  This is true for your gut as well.

When your gut is telling you something, it behooves you to listen.  Pretending something’s not there, doesn’t make it go away.  If anything, pretending gives the issue the time, space and freedom to grow.  Eventually, it will be too big to ignore and perhaps too big to move past.

If your instincts are telling you something’s off—check it out, don’t block it out.  Facing the issue up front is the best move you can make for your relationships—at any stage.

CHALLENGE:  Is there something your gut has been trying to tell you?  If so, have the courage to address the issue directly.  Listen to your gut when you hear the other person’s response.


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My name is Drew and I have been married to the greatest woman on this planet for twenty wonderful years. There was one problem in the past however, me. I led a double-life with my wife and another women I met in my local gym two years back. Initially I thought it was just a fling but developed serious feelings for the other woman. My wife eventually found out destroying our emotional bond. I'm here to tell you, ABSOLUTELY, POSITIVELY, TRUST YOUR GUT; IF YOU DON't, YOUR A FOOL. In a nutshell, the woman I dated outside of my marriage was a beautiful woman on the exterior but ugly on the inside. She was such a good liar, manipulator that my feelings for her blinded me. Yes, cell phone issues, lying about whereabouts, oh, and the best one, "he's just a friend." I know I went outside of my marriage and for that I am internally grateful that my wife was kind enough to take me back. Regardless of that, I suffered being in a relationship with someone who never told the truth, about small things etc. Do not ignore the signs, they are there to protect us. Now let's RECAP - If it doesn't feel right, question it, trust this horrible, anxious feeling in your gut when Sally says her phone was off because she forgot to charge it knowing she keeps it by her side 24-7), or if a co-worker is constantly texting her or she brings him up constantly (he's just a friend, lol).Your gut is not concrete, circumstantial,. TRUST IT, you'll be better off,. If I would have trusted mine, my wife would have hurt less, my children, and lastly me,.. God Bless,. Drew,.....

I think this article, while very simple, conveys an important message. I trusted my instincts with a former boyfriend and walked away before I got hurt and stopped things with a guy who I really felt like he was using me--he was. Don't ignore your instincts ladies. I firmly believe women have intuition that tells us to walk away and no matter how hard we fight it, we won't win!

I believe my husband is suffering from boderline personality disorder but he refuses to seek help. I end up reading books about it and try to figure out how to tackle the situation but my instincts tell me to let him know about BPD, what do you think?

DEAR MARY: BPD is a very serious diagnosis. I recommend that you be clear with him about how difficult it is to live with him at times due to his behavior (not BPD). I would then say you would like for both of you to seek professional help to work on your marriage. Discuss with the therapist your concerns about possible BPD. If he refuses to go, I would begin to set up consequences for that decision.
Take Care-Lisa

Hi, your articles are nice. They help me realize things better.
Thanks,all the way here in Manila.

DEAR JOY: Thank you so much for your kind feedback. I'm happy to hear my posts are helping.
Warm regards-Lisa

Recall as well that NOT saying something that you believe to be significant and true can be just as dishonest to your partner (and yourself) as telling a lie. Gosh, my wife and I faced nothing we felt for years and years. Guess where we are now?

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