WHAT DO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS LOOK LIKE?
A reader asked: Are there really any healthy
relationships? If so, what do they look like?
Rather than just listing the characteristics
of a healthy relationship, below is a glimpse of the day-to-day interactions of
a healthy relationship.
Sally and Dan have been married 15 years and have two children, ages 12 and 10. Both Sally and Dan work full-time jobs and thus share many of the household chores. On Monday, Sally picked up the children from school, helped them with their homework and started to cook dinner. Dan came home while Sally was cooking, greeted her with a kiss, said hello to the kids and asked if he could help with anything. She said it would be great if he could throw together a salad -- which he did. Throughout dinner everyone shared a little about their day and gave updates where warranted. After dinner everyone helped clean the kitchen. Later, both Dan and Sally chatted with the kids before their bedtime and kissed them goodnight.
After the kids were in bed, Dan and Sally
sat down to check in with each other about their day. Dan was upset about
work and asked Sally her thoughts about an employee problem. Sally
offered her opinion and they brainstormed options. This was their typical
schedule. They made sure to check in with each other daily, have alone
time together after the kids were in bed and both valued the other’s opinion.
Friday, Dan was upset with Sally because she
forgot to tell him about plans she had made for both of them on the weekend.
When he found out, he told Sally that he did not like it when she made plans
for them without discussing it with him. Sally apologized and said she
would make sure she would speak with him first in the future. They then
discussed how they wanted to handle the plans. Sally offered to change them,
but they agreed together to keep the plans this time.
Saturday, Sally and Dan went out to
dinner. They had originally planned to go out to a movie later, as well,
however they were enjoying their conversation with one another, so decided to
stay and talk. They talked about work, plans for the upcoming year and
interesting stories they had heard in the media. When they went home,
they made love and fell asleep.
On Tuesday, Dan came home in a foul
mood. He was short with the kids and impatient with everyone. After
the kids went to bed Sally asked Dan what was up. He grumpily said,
"Nothing." Sally responded by saying, "Dan, you've been
short with the kids since you walked in, impatient with me and sore all through
dinner. I can tell something's wrong. If you'd rather not talk
about it, that's okay, but I would like it if you wouldn't take it out on the
family." Dan paused and told Sally he’d had to lay off three
employees. He said he was sorry for being such a grump; he just couldn't
get his employees off his mind. Sally squeezed Dan's hand and said she
was sorry he had to let his employees go. She also asked if there was
anything she could do to help.
Sally and Dan are an example of a healthy
couple. As you can see, they are not perfect, they still get upset with
one another and every moment is not bliss. What sets them apart from most
couples, however, is their willingness to be accountable for their mistakes,
the high level of mutual respect and their commitment to make their
relationship a priority. They are lovers, best friends and
co-parents. They make the time for their relationship as best they
can. When they get caught up in their lives, one or both of them will
pull them back and make sure they spend time together to bridge the distance
that life creates.
Healthy relationships are
possible and they do exist. They start with healthy people. Know
you and your partner each deserve to be treated well at all times and then live
as though you believe that sentiment.
CHALLENGE: If your relationship does
not feel like a healthy one, work your
side. Make sure you are respectful, cherishing and accountable.
Once you are working your side, hold your partner accountable for working the
other side.
Wonderful examples.
It sounds like a lot of work, but once the relationship is at this point, it comes easily. It's getting there that is the hard part because both people have to change to get there. If you have never had an example of a healthy relationship to observe like I hadn't, this may seem crazy, like a fairytale, but it really is true, relationships can be this good and it starts with you.
Posted by: Lori | February 01, 2010 at 01:57 PM
Very True Lisa,
Every relationship has it's ups and downs.
My wife and I have been married 20 years, we have 8 children, 6 are still home. The older ones are now able to help with watching their siblings, and we have started going out again at least once a week.
Date night isn't a probblem solving night for us, we just go have fun and deal with other issues when the kids are in bed.
It's been wonderful, taking that alone time. Enjoying the ups and working on the downs has worked for us these past 20 years.
Posted by: Luke | January 31, 2010 at 09:42 AM