« 10 Ways To Get The Spark Back Into Your Relationship | Main | What’s Up With The Sex? Pay Attention To Why You’re Doing What You’re Doing…And With Whom You’re Doing It With »

September 13, 2010

10 Ways To Earn Trust In Your Relationship


Mistrust is a common problem in many relationships for many reasons: affairs, lies, jealousy, poor behavior etc.  Once mistrust is present, it’s very difficult to get trust back.  Without trust, many relationships won’t make it. 

If you would like to earn back your partner’s trust, make sure you’re doing all the things below on a daily basis over a long period of time (several months minimum).  Be certain that you are doing these things with a good heart and not from a place of resentment.

1.    Be where you say you’re going to be.  Don’t avoid a difficult conversation by omitting one of your stops on your journey.  
2.    Be on time or call well advance if you will be late.  Even those times when you’re late make sure it’s reasonable.  Coming home at 3am from a party your partner was nervous about in the first place is not reasonable.
3.    Be moderate with your reactions.  If every time something happens you freak out, then your loved ones will avoid being honest out of fear of what you’ll do.  Chill out, stay centered and don’t over-react.
4.    Answer questions without being defensive.  If you’ve been caught in lies before, this one is especially important.  Just answer the question asked without attacking the person asking it.
5.    Have nothing to hide.  If you have nothing to hide, don’t act like you do.  Allow your partner access to your phone, e-mail or whatever if you’ve broken trust.   This won’t be necessary forever but is necessary after affairs.

6.    Be honest—don’t tell half-truths, white lies or whole lies; lies will sink any relationship.
7.    Treat your partner with respect at all times and keep contempt out of your relationship.
8.    Be accountable for your mistakes,  “edges” and imperfections.  When you are accountable for your screw-ups it shows your partner that you’re willing to look at your mistakes and learn from them.  If you seldom, if ever, acknowledge your mistakes, you leave your partner thinking you will never change.
9.    Do not use your partner’s stories, vulnerabilities, or life circumstances as ammunition against them in fights or otherwise.  If you use your partner’s vulnerabilities against them, they will no longer share them with you.
10.     If you’ve had an affair, be impeccable with your actions with others and your partner.  Don’t make suggestive comments, be flirtatious or continue to have any kind of contact whatsoever with your affair partner.  When your partner is feeling insecure stop being defensive and instead be reassuring and understanding.

Trust is vital in any relationship.  If you’ve done something to shake the trust, then it‘s your job to earn the trust back by behaving in trustworthy ways.  Do NOT expect your partner to trust you until you have proven yourself trustworthy.

If your partner has done nothing to harm the trust in your relationship yet you struggle with trusting them--work on yourself.  It’s difficult to be with someone who is constantly questioning your integrity—especially when there’s no reason to.   Jealousy is toxic to relationships—fix it. 

CHALLENGE:  If trust is an issue in your relationship, look at your part in this struggle.  If you’ve lied, had affairs, made broken promises, used information from your partner as a weapon or done anything else that has breached the trust in your relationship, then you need to make sure you are impeccable in the 10 areas above.  Earn the trust back by acting trustworthy or run the risk of losing your relationship.

If you have always struggled with being jealous in your relationships, then the issue is you.  Get into help and work on your jealousy—it’s very unattractive and incredibly hard to live with.

Comments

Feed You can follow this conversation by subscribing to the comment feed for this post.

love the article :)

How I wish it works cause I am in a total mess.

Hi there I have lied to my partner, now he says he can never trust me again but still loves me. He says he cant be in a relationship with meanymore but we are still under the same roof, he sayshe gunna set up spare room. how do I get him to trust me again. I love him to death.

Nice one, I will use them.

I'm going to try this advice. I have lied to my partner a couple of times. But I have stop & change. But until now he doesn't trust me. He accuse me of everything. I need him to trust me. It's killing me inside that the man you love still don't trust after you proven so much.

In 2011 i lied, he forgave me but it came bck to his mind than i told him i should have cheated once cz his accusing me

Thanks for the helpful advice. I love my partner and will do whatever it takes!

this article is stupid!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Hi, Lisa! Well, I surely like the post of how we can learn how to trust our partners and how to earn trust back!
I have a question, which I have recently posted on the website to Mike Masters on Master Dating. I had a question response to his posting on '25 reasons why he won't marry you' about my partner being waaaay to interested in porn for his own good, and the response I got back was that the problem was ME! I really wanted to understand what that meant and how that came to be that I was the one in fault for why my partner hasn't asked me the famous question yet! I didn't understand because I am confused about the words my boyfriend uses when he says he loves me with all his mind, heart, body, and soul, but yet there are photos of other girls vagina's and breasts on his phone - how could he love me with all his mind if that's where it's going to be when he's not with me? We have times when we're not intimate for a whole month straight or times when he's just getting his oral pleasure without me being satisfied or even being touched......but he says he loves me..........I'm confused. I would like to have a womans perspective, now that I know what a guy thinks about my feelings!

Jasmine: I think it's crazy that you were told your partner's porn use is your fault. If your partner is often looking at porn, has porn on his phone, and is not having much sex with you, these are all red flags for sex addiction. Often sex addicts are sexually anorexic in their primary relationships. I would be clear with your boyfriend that the porn on his phone and the way your sex life is going isn't working for you. I would not even think about marriage unless this issue is cleared up. You deserve to be with someone who respects you and takes your feelings into account.
Get strong and trust your gut.
Lisa

I loved this article. Thank you for sharing. I honestly think if we just decided to be "impeccable" in our relationships all the time we'd be better off. Working with my clients I see how corrosive "little white lies" are over the long term. Relationships without trust, die, every time. Thank you so much for sharing.

Verify your Comment

Previewing your Comment

This is only a preview. Your comment has not yet been posted.

Working...
Your comment could not be posted. Error type:
Your comment has been saved. Comments are moderated and will not appear until approved by the author. Post another comment

The letters and numbers you entered did not match the image. Please try again.

As a final step before posting your comment, enter the letters and numbers you see in the image below. This prevents automated programs from posting comments.

Having trouble reading this image? View an alternate.

Working...

Post a comment

Comments are moderated, and will not appear until the author has approved them.

TrackBack

TrackBack URL for this entry:
http://www.typepad.com/services/trackback/6a00d8341cc5df53ef0134874c86c9970c

Listed below are links to weblogs that reference 10 Ways To Earn Trust In Your Relationship :

Connect with Lisa

Icon Email

Icon Twitter

Icon Facebook

Icon Linkedin

Icon YouTube

Icon Blog Feed

Subscribe to Straight Talk 4 Women

Enter your email address to receive
updates every time I post


Powered by FeedBlitz

Listen to Podcasts

Purchase Products

Attend an Event

Training for Therapists