Bring Sex Back Into Your Marriage (Part I)

I can’t even begin to tell you how many couples are not having sex in their marriage.  Couples young, old and in-between are living in sexless marriages.  I’m not talking about couples who aren’t having sex as often as they’d like.  I’m talking about no sex for anywhere from six-months to six years...or more. And many of these couples are within the first seven to ten years of their marriages.

Many of these couples would say they still enjoy each other’s company.  They’re good friends, they say, but somewhere along the way they stopped having sex.  Other couples are in a tougher spot.  They have months or even years of resentments, anger and pain stored up and have settled into a cool existence with one another.   For the latter category of couples, the road to recovery begins in a professional’s office -- specifically one who specializes in working with couples.  For the former group, though, their road to recovery does not have to be so difficult.

If you and your partner have stopped having sex -- and would like to have sex become a part of your relationship again—then make the decision to work it.  Below are a few easy steps to getting back on the road to recovery.

1.    Make the decision to bring sex back into the relationship.  You and your partner need to have a heart-to-heart talk about sex.  I don’t mean talking about what you like and don’t like, I mean do you want a sexless marriage or not.  Forget about the specifics of how you will get it back—first decide IF you want it back.  Be honest and don’t say something you don’t mean.  Too often one assumes the other partner is okay with not having sex just because s/he stopped asking for it.  Don’t assume anything.  Once you both are clear that you want to bring sex back, move to step two.

2.    Set very low expectations for the first time. Both of you can reduce your inhibitions enormously by agreeing that the first time back is going to be awkward at best.  Now is NOT the time to be a picky lover.  The goal at first is to simply break the cold spell.  Agreeing to have sex after months or years without being intimate is enough of an obstacle to get over, don’t add performance to the equation. 
3.    Schedule a “date night”.  Choosing a date night is imperative to making this work.  If you both wait until the time is right, you will never be intimate.  Choose a night when you have no work the next day, there’s no need to get to bed early and the kids are taken care of either by being put to bed early or by having someone else watch them.  If they tend to wake up easily—hire someone to watch them and go to a hotel for the night.  “Date night” means you are scheduling sex.  Get over the idea of scheduling and just do it.  This is your future as well as the future of your family—don’t sabotage it!

Many women in sexless marriages, assume their partner is not being sexual anywhere.  This is very naïve thinking.  If you’re in a sexless marriage and DON’T want to become sexual with your partner, don’t assume your partner has chosen to become celibate like you without an honest discussion about what that means for both of you.  If you DO want to be sexual, start that conversation today.  Know that physical intimacy is an important part of any healthy marriage.  Don’t be quick to minimize the role it plays in the emotional intimacy of your marriage.

CHALLENGE:
After you’ve discussed all of the above, read my next post to talk about planning the evening and keeping it going.  In the meantime, choose a date night and make plans for your children, if you have them.