Are You Living With A Woman Who Struggles with Intensity? What To Do and Not to Do

A common union I see in couples is a very strong woman partnered with a fairly passive man.  The men often say their partners are overbearing, controlling, intense, critical and never satisfied.  The women say the men don’t talk, are walled off, often passive-aggressive and say yes just to get the women off their backs.  Often they’re both right: the women are over the top and the men are too passive.

If you’re a male and happen to be living with a woman who matches the descriptions above, here’s your cheat sheet for being in relationship with her. 

1.    Stop ducking in response to intensity.  The worst thing you can do with an angry woman (or man for that matter) is to duck.  If your partner is coming at you with high intensity (yelling, swearing, raging, name-calling, etc.), then set a limit on the intensity.  Don’t try to talk her down or jump to do what she’s asking of you until you address the way she is speaking to you.
2.    Say what you mean and mean what you say.  Learn to become a man of integrity and stop lying to avoid her intensity.  Do not just “yes” her to get her off your back.  If you say you will do something, do it.  Otherwise, say no.
3.    Ask for your needs and wants.  Stop being resentful that you’re constantly trying to please her and stand up for yourself.  Healthy relationships require that both partners ask for their needs and wants.  The more you try to do what she wants without asking for what you want, the more resentful you will get.  Pay attention to what you want and learn to ask for it.

4.    Don’t play the victim.  Too many passive men act as if their wives/partners make their lives miserable.  No-one has the power to make your life miserable without you allowing it.  Look at how your behaviors contribute to your unhappiness and address those.
5.    Be direct.  Do not sideswipe your partner by throwing out underhanded comments, sarcastic quips or disdainful looks.  If you’re not happy about something—speak it.  Don’t stoop to being passive-aggressive by emotionally withholding or being behaviorally irresponsible.  Those are child-like responses to adult issues; step up like an adult and address things directly.

If you’re with a woman who you believe struggles with intensity, start looking at what you’re doing that is not helping the situation.  Remember that you deserve to be treated with respect at all times.  If your wife or partner is highly intense or reactive, she is not being respectful.  It’s your job to teach her how to treat you.  Do not play the victim to her rants…or you will ensure they will continue.

Challenge:  When it comes to intensity, remember to address that energy head on.  Set limits, speak directly and be clear that the intensity is not okay.  Also be sure that you are “clean” on your end by being responsible, following through with what you say you will do, being honest and asking for your needs and wants.  Good luck!

Comments

[RG]

This hits home for me. I struggle with accepting people as they are and not using anger as a way to try to punish or control them. It's difficult to remember to insert curiousity instead: why would you say/ do that? Also, I think another commenter hit the nail on the head about the leaking anger - even if I know the right way to raise the concern, the anger itself has a basis in my feeling threatened, so my body language will exhibit that. I'm not trying to justify the anger, which is often out of proportion to the offense, but to explain the disconnect from my rational understanding of the situation and my ability to behave accordingly.

[Erica]

I hear this all the time. The scenario about the overbearing wife and the passive husband. However I don't often hear about the shoes being on the different feet.

My husband is the intense one while I walk on egg shells 24/7/365.

We are seeing a counselor again and she has given this web site as "homework".

Dear Erica: The shoes unfortunately are often on the other foot. There are far too many men who are bullies or rage or intimidate their loved ones constantly. I have written several blog posts about how to handle intense men as well only have used a different word such as bully or rage. My hope is that your therapist is calling your husband on his behavior directly and firmly. She will also need to work with you on how to set limits with him. Living with someone who is intense/reacitive is very difficult regardless of whether the person is male or female so my heart goes out to you.
Take Care-Lisa

[Gregg Gone]

Usually I love this column but this one really upset me.

The advice seems logical: address the behavior, then act rationally and responsibly. But it’s absurdly idealistic. As a man in the process of ending a marriage to an “intense” wife, here’s my perspective.

Step 1, address the behavior. Sure, but there is precious little I can say or do about the behavior when I’m not there. In particular, people who rage in person are often fuming alone. The bottom line is that step 2 (speak clearly and mean what you way) just isn’t going to happen. Even if she’s not raging (yet) in the second conversation, the fumes seeping out from side comments and body language trigger an alertness which, in effect, means that the rage is still in the room.

As a recipient of raging “intensity” I’ve learned the need to be compassionate to myself. It sucks to be yelled at and of course I’m going to do things to limit the damage. Sometimes that means walking away. Sometimes it means giving her a bone to calm things enough to discuss bigger issues. “Lie” labeling less than perfect tactics, like giving in under pressure and then changing my mind later (which sounds stereotypically female), is where the column misses the psychological reality of life under fire. The compromises are better than snapping, yelling back, hitting etc. When she’s yelling or fuming, odds are she isn’t really listening. The single minded intensity rant invariably exclaims its own hurtful assertions that remain unchallenged in their unproductive provocativeness and these become some of the biggest lies in the relationship.

Step 3) Yes, of course we should be clear asking for what we want and need. The real need is to be in a workable relationship where we can solve problems safe from all forms of abuse. And “intensity” is often rage and in my case, at least, it often rises to the level of abuse.

Step 4) Do not be a victim. On this I completely agree, but don’t minimize the price. Since the behavior isn’t mine, if I don’t want to receive it, and she is apparently lacking either the power or the will to stop then I’ve got to go. What a price! So please forgive my years trying to find another way.

The “cheat sheet” here dodges the real point, anger doesn’t solve problems and fear doesn’t create workable relationships. If (s)he’s working hard to find a path away from the intensity then maybe the “cheat sheet” will buy you enough time for her to be a partner. Otherwise this “cheat sheet” is just a strategy to prolong pain.

Dear Greg: You are absolutely correct that doing these things will not make her less intense--that's not your work--that's her work to do. Standing up to someone who is emotionally reactive and intense is about you not them. You stand up because it's not okay for a woman or anyone else to treat you like that. When you don't stand up to it, you teach her that what she's doing is okay. And, yes not taking may eventually mean leaving. No one should have to live with a rager--man or woman.
Thanks for your comment. I am certain there are many people who feel the same as you on this one--that's why they duck.
Take care-Lisa

[Gretchen]

I echo that "intensity" may not be the best term. I enjoy an intense discussion, but to my mind that never includes negativity or abusive behavior, just (positive)energy and focus and smart ideas. And, I think "intense" (my definition) women are also avoided by some men who just don't want to focus, who don't want to be serious, or who feel that a woman with her own opinion and a voice is "confrontational" rather than a woman entitled her own opinion.

Arlene, your comments were great too.

[Jeanie]

Is intensity really the word you're looking for?

There's extreme frustration with lack of authenticity, verbal abuse, and disrespect.

In my opinion, intensity does NOT fit into these categories.

You can intently read a book. You can watch a sports game intently. I believe what you're describing is poor interpersonal moderation of self.

I am, of course, open to discussion. :)

[Arlene]

This article fits. My partner is passive - I- the strong or verbal one. He says it is because he does not want to UPSET the cart,but the upsetting part is his silent nature. This leads to a lot of resentment on both partners when the cards are not laid out on the table. Please do not hide things from the other because you think it will upset them if they find out,When they do find out three months or so later, and MEN and WOMEN the other one does find out. When you say - I did not say anything because I was afraid you would be upset if you knew; that is hiding the issue at hand.IT WILL be more upsetting when they do find out, and they will. PLEASE do not agree with someone if you think they are wrong on something- say why you think that way.We may be a little upset that we disagree but believe me, It will be a whole lot more upsetting when we are wrong and you kept you mouth shut because you were Afraid to speak..
More couples break their relationships NOT because of speaking up and voicing their concerns or THEIR MISTAKES, but because they kept silent for fear of upsetting the apple cart, only to find out that apple cart is already tipped in the wrong direction and is heading for the big spill. Silence is NOT Golden..