A Note to Men: Want more Sex? 5 Things You Should NOT Do
In my work with couples, I often hear the men complain that there’s not enough sex and the women complain that the men always want more. What’s up? Besides the likely differences in sexual appetites, there are a lot of things men are doing that’s shooting themselves in the foot when it comes to increased physical intimacy with their wives/partners.
If you’d like to increase the amount of sexual intimacy in your relationship, below are 5 things NOT to do:
1. Don’t turn every kiss, hug or handholding into a sign that you might get lucky. Women complain all the time that they can’t even hug their partners without them turning it into a sexual move. Really men? Aren’t we past the adolescent days of even the wind blowing getting you excited? The more you turn the slightest act of affection into a sexual come on, the less affection your partner will show you. Don’t be desperate—it’s a huge turn off.
2. Don’t have sex be the only time you show any affection. As Dr. Phil often says, “Foreplay should start 24 hours in advance of being sexual.” It takes more for women to get into the mood than men and men need to know that. Be loving, playful and affectionate long before you actually do the act. Give her compliments, hold her hand, tell her you love her and act like you actually like spending time with her.
3. Don’t be a jerk 90% of the time and then expect that your wife will want to be sexual with you. Your wife/partner does not “owe” you sex. This is crazy thinking that I hear from men all the time. If you’re generally a pill to be around then don’t be surprised that your partner isn’t feeling intimate. Stop the anger, harsh tones and meanness. Similarly, don’t barely speak to her day-to-day and then wonder why she’s not feeling close. Be engaged and respectful and act as though you love her if you want her to act as though she loves you.
4. Don’t have her be responsible for the house, the kids, the food and your entertainment—even if she doesn’t have a job outside the home. Being the sole person responsible for the home and children is like being single; that’s not what she signed up for. Remember that if your partner is the one home caring for the family, this does not mean that her job should be 24/7 while yours is only 12 hours a day 5 days a week. Help…or watch her burn out.
5. Don’t make derogatory comments about your partner’s body. If you would like her to take better care of herself, have an honest, respectful and loving conversation. Don’t throw out digs to get her to notice. Similarly, don’t point out the hot bodies of other women or ogle them in front of her and then wonder why your partner isn’t interested in being sexual with you.
In general, if you want a more loving relationship, you have to be more loving. Be cherishing, show interest in her life and world and have sex be something that adds to your marriage/relationship not a duty that is owed to you. If you don’t add the relational aspect to the picture, sex will become a chore to your partner. Eventually she will grow tired of doing another chore and lose any sexual desire she may have had.
Challenge: Pay attention to how you treat your partner day-to-day. Are you loving and kind? Would you want to be married to you the way you act? Commit to being connected and affectionate when you’re not looking for sex and see what happens.
I see a lot of men ogling other women, and their wife or partner is very good looking and have a great body. Guys say they see nothing wrong with doing this it is not like they want to go to bed with these women, just to admire their beauty, It was like looking at a beautiful rose, and who does not like looking at pretty roses. The wife/ partner of course is not happy and feel unsure of themselves; they feel they do not measure up, EVEN when other men are looking at HER. she wants her partner looking at her not other men, she feels
disrespected. I agree the respect is not there. they should be giving that admiration to their wife /partner.Men no doubt would be rewarded in the bedroom. She is not a cold fish she just feels inferior and would not measure up to what her partner consider a beauty.. I see this a lot in relationships.If men want more loving in the bedroom--keep the eyes off other women. and on the one your with. Women let the guy KNOW that this is disrespectful and you will not allow it, if he wants to admire other women then he needs to be single.
Posted by: Arlene | July 15, 2011 at 12:22 AM
WOW... what an amazing article! Reading through it was like watching the guy I was in a recent past. Yes, I committed every single one of those mistakes (1 through 5, and then some) and am glad to say that dedication to transforming the way I dealt with my (now) wife has produced wonders. It is not always easy to go on that inner journey and face one's demon, but the journey was well-worth it and the result is.. well, priceless! Thank you so much for a beautiful article!
Dear Maurice: Good for you! Thanks for your honesty as I'm sure there are many other males who can relate to what you're saying. I'm happy for you that all your hard work has paid off.
Nice job!
Lisa
Posted by: Maurice | July 14, 2011 at 06:00 PM
I've heard quite a few women complain about points 2 and 3 but I am wondering if that is not just a reflection of more serious problems in the relationship. If the relationship is on rocky ground generally partners (men and women) are not really inspired to do more than the very basic of things.
Posted by: Shayla | July 12, 2011 at 04:53 PM
I like to think I'm a normal guy. These seem to me a no brainer. If you love your partner they come easy. It's only hard when you don't. Listen up - love without expectation and you will be surprized.
Posted by: richard dionne | July 07, 2011 at 11:45 AM
The article gave some nice advice. Lisa, could you address the other side of this situation? Middle aged women sometimes don't get enough sex because of the man's medical problems, medication, weight, stress, exhaustion and so forth. I know many middle age women who suffer about this problem in their relationships. Can you help them grow closer to the men they love?
Posted by: Maureen | July 07, 2011 at 12:27 AM