6 posts from November 2011

November 29, 2011

When It Comes To Speaking, Less Is Often More

IStock_0self talkllI often watch couples in my office struggle with the ripple effect caused by using a “wall of words.”  A wall of words is when a person speaks on and on about an issue, complaint, story, idea or piece of information to such a degree that they lose the attention of the person they are speaking with.  Women, in particular, struggle with using a wall of words.  As a result, the men in their lives end up tuning the women out.

Using a wall of words is not the same as discussing an issue, sharing feelings or having interesting conversations.  All of these actions are healthy forms of communication.  When women use a wall of words it can sound like nervous chatter, restating of the information again and again, random thoughts, belaboring a point and overall excessive talk.  Often the women are aware of this pattern, however have a difficult time controlling it.  If they are not aware of this habit, they often are aware of their partners tuning them out or not listening.

Continue reading "When It Comes To Speaking, Less Is Often More" »

November 23, 2011

What I’m Thankful For

IStock_0ThanksgivingmallIn honor of Thanksgiving I thought I’d make a list of the things I’m grateful for, find joy in or add to my life.  I encourage you to add to this list and/or create your own.

I’m thankful for countless joys in my life. Here are just some of the key ones I savor:
1.    Coming home each day to my husband and two children…and enjoying their company.
2.    Being greeted by our two dogs wagging their tails because they’re so excited to see me.
3.    The memory of the first time my son was able to reach up and hold my hand with his little hand and walk with me.
4.    The warm sun on my face.
5.    Countless sunsets on warm days on the ocean.
6.    Full belly laughter.
7.    My mother’s willingness to look at her mistakes and apologize.
8.    A great steak and potato dinner.
9.    My mom’s baked ziti.
10.    Watching my children play soccer.

Continue reading "What I’m Thankful For" »

November 18, 2011

What The Catholic Church And Penn State Tragedies Have In Common

IStock_0boycryinglI don’t even know where to begin when it comes to the tragedy at Penn State.  I cannot for a moment imagine the rage, anger and overwhelming sadness I would have had it been my son who was allegedly raped in a college shower stall by a grown man.  Add to that horrific life-altering assault, the fact that another grown man witnessed the rape and…told his father?  And his father advised his son—who just witnessed a 10-year-old boy being raped -- to tell a…football coach?!  Now mind you this football coach isn’t your average football coach—no way.  This football coach is the king of all college he’ll know exactly what to do, right?  Wrong.  The horror unfortunately doesn’t end there, because the larger than life football coach then tells…his boss?  And so on, and so on, and so on…until one day, NINE years -- and who know how many victims -- later, the alleged perpetrator is officially charged with sexually abusing eight boys.

Hmmm, is this sounding familiar?  Does it sound like the tragedy that occurred over decades in the Catholic Church?  Here are just some of the similarities, as I see them:
1.    All the “players” in the Catholic Church and Penn State affairs are key men in key positions in their institutions. 
2.    In both situations, the “good ole boys” worked their butts off to protect…their own.  They were very loyal to…keeping “the secret.”  Their silence, cover-ups and minimal interventions allowed the sexual molestation to not only continue, but to thrive. 
3.    The silence, minimal interventions and passing on of the problem to other equally unprincipled men of power make each and every single one of these priests and men complicit in the rape and molestation of countless innocent children in our world.  Harming the reputations of their institutions is the least of their offenses.

Continue reading "What The Catholic Church And Penn State Tragedies Have In Common" »

November 14, 2011

Taking The High Road: Revenge Is Seldom Worth It

IStock_0revengeXSmallIt’s not at all uncommon for women (and people in general) to want to exact revenge on someone in their life who has “wronged” them.  If their husband had an affair, women often want to make him pay.  If they’re too scared of losing him as a result of their revenge or anger, they may try to make the “other woman” pay by calling her family up and informing them of the affair.  Some women may try to take every last penny they can get from their cheating spouse, make visiting the kids a near impossible feat or shout out from the rooftops what a louse this man is.  Revenge is often tempting in non-romantic relationships as well—in the workplace, between friends and among family members.

Countless people have revenge fantasies when they’ve been hurt, cheated or shamed.  The pain is often so intense that people don’t know what to do.  Because a woman often has an intense feeling of injustice and humiliation, she may want the other person to feel the pain she feels.  Sometimes this desire can consume her every waking thought and lead her to do things she never thought she’d do.  In the moment, she is certain that revenge will help relieve the pain.

Unfortunately, exacting revenge is often bittersweet.  Getting revenge may feel good for a moment, but that feeling seldom lasts.  When we try to hurt someone as they hurt us, we stoop to their level.  In our effort to get back at them, we end up hurting ourselves.  The “perpetrator” then ends up taking up more of our time and attention than they deserve.  Lowering our sense of integrity just to get even ends up chipping away a little part of us.  When we allow someone’s behavior to lead us to do something that we wouldn’t normally do, we give him or her too much power.  Why give them that power?

Continue reading "Taking The High Road: Revenge Is Seldom Worth It" »

November 07, 2011

Welcome to Straight Talk 4 Women!

IStock_0grpofwomenallWelcome to my new and improved Straight Talk 4 Women blog.  Although I enjoy writing both my blogs – Straight Talk on Relationships and Straight Talk 4 Women – and especially love hearing from you, the reader, on how I have helped you, I’ve felt overextended keeping up with both blogs, along with my practice and my family.  So, after countless business conversations, journal entries and ponderings I’ve decided to combine both blogs into one, which will be more focused and content rich. 

As my work has shifted more and more into working with women, I thought creating a second blog -- Straight Talk 4 Women -- would address this subject matter.  What I found instead was that sustaining two worthwhile blogs made it difficult for me to keep up with the posts in a way that I believe would be most beneficial to my readers.  I realized the challenge has served as a speed bump that has been slowing me down rather than assisting me in being more helpful to you.  

The truth is that, although I’ve been aware of this dilemma for some time, I have not wanted to let go of my original Straight Talk On Relationships blog.  I so appreciate my many loyal readers of this blog and found myself not wanting to upset my male readers.  When I slowed myself down to really think about this, I noticed that I was doing what many women I work with do -- I was sacrificing my own long term best interest because I didn’t want to upset the men or lose my male readers.  My first thought was “How female of me.” . 

I’ve recognize that I have postponed this much needed growth step for far too long and am therefore happy to announce that I will be transitioning my two blogs into one -- Straight Talk 4 Women.  I’m excited about this move and know it will help me to provide more quality and timely posts. 

So what does this mean to you?  It means I will be more focused in my writing and more freed up to create quality products that will help women and relationships.  My current readers do not need to do a thing other than continue to come visit and leave your comments as you always have.  To my male readers, I do hope you stay and continue to read and react to the posts.  Because you have women in your lives, I have no doubt that the posts will benefit you.  Some posts I write will not be gender-specific.  They’ll be for everyone because, of course, I won’t be able to help myself. 

I hope that you find this change to be positive and that you reap the benefits of my decision.  Thank you so much for your support along this journey.  I’m looking forward to traveling together and seeing where we end up!

Wishing everyone ROCKIN’ relationships that fuel you!

November 04, 2011

Women: Don’t Forget About YOU!

IStock_0arms strechedllThis week I’ve been at the Ali Brown SHINE Conference for Women Entrepreneurs.  It is amazing to see a room full of women entrepreneurs sharing ideas, encouraging big leaps and pulling for the best in one another.  It is a wonderful shift to see women thinking about themselves and trusting in themselves to bring their businesses to the next level.  Too many women, for far too long, have thought almost entirely about others—this shift to thinking about themselves—ourselves--is great to witness.

As I listen to woman after woman stand and tell her story of success, I’m struck by the difficulty so many women have with focusing on themselves.  Often women are focused on anything and anyone BUT themselves.  They’re busy taking care of the children, keeping the house tidy, cooking dinner, taking care of their husbands, fathers, mothers etc., and they forget about themselves.  When they do think of themselves, it’s often an afterthought. 

Women, we need to change this.  We cannot be an after thought in our lives.  We cannot sacrifice everything we have for everyone else and barely have ourselves be a part of that equation.  And if we are raising daughters—it’s even more paramount that we not do this.  Putting countless others before ones self, is toxic to ones self and to our daughters.  If we constantly put our needs second (or third or fourth), then we teach our daughters to do the same—even if our words say differently.

When women constantly put their needs last, it does not serve women or their families.  Women have to be able to care for themselves at least as well as they take care of others.  If they don’t, they and their families will pay for it.  When we continually put others ahead of ourselves, we get tired, run down and all too often, depressed.  We end up having little energy to give to anyone and even less for ourselves.

Continue reading "Women: Don’t Forget About YOU!" »

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