5 posts from December 2011

December 29, 2011

Here’s To The Abnormal Relationship And Setting The Bar Higher (Part II)

Recently I wrote about the first five characteristics or creating great relationships rather than “normal” ones.  Below is Part II of setting the bar higher and the remaining five of 10 characteristics of healthy relationships. Enjoy.

6.     Giving. Go out of your way now and then to do a kind act.  Take time to think about what the other person likes (not what you like) and that to them.  If they like to hear compliments—compliment; if they like to see actions—show them action; if they want you to listen better—tune in and listen.  Give them what you know they would love to receive rather than what you think they need.
7.     Mutuality.  Great relationships are about give and take.  There’s a natural rhythm of two people equally giving to the other.  In not so great relationships, it’s more common for one person to be the giver while the other person often takes.  Make sure you are neither the one always giving nor the one always taking.
8.    Personal Strength.  Cultivate the ability to set limits and hold your own in a relationship without squashing the other person in the process.  Being able to share your thoughts, ask for your needs and wants and to hold loved ones accountable for how they treat you are all imperative to great relationships.

Continue reading "Here’s To The Abnormal Relationship And Setting The Bar Higher (Part II)" »

December 24, 2011

Happy Holidays To All!

IStock_holidaysllWishing everyone a wonderful holiday season with much love, laughter and joyous times.  Throughout the holiday season remember to:

1. Appreciate what you have and don’t get lost in the things you don’t.
2. Remember that this season is a time for family.  Take the time to enjoy each other, be together and laugh!  Work can take a back seat for a little while—family should be your first priority and you should show that through your actions.  Pay attention to your partner, play with your children and BE PRESENT.
3. When you are feeling stressed, remember to breathe, slow down and keep things in
perspective.  Take things one thing at a time and slow down.  Don’t make things bigger than they are or need to be and trust that you will get through the stressful times in tact.
4. Treat loved ones lovingly, especially during the stressful times.  Don't take your stress out on them, even if you believe they are the ones causing it! Stay calm in the storm and don’t allow your anger to take away from the holiday.
5. Most of all...have a wonderful holiday season filled with joy, good health and much laughter!

Holiday Challenge:  Enjoy yourself and your family.  Have fun, sing, dance and laugh.  Make this holiday a happy, memorable time for you and your family.  Remember, that even the best gifts, can be ruined by an unhappy environment.  Creating a loving, fun environment is the best gift you can give to you and your family--don’t ever underestimate its worth. 


December 19, 2011

Here’s To The Abnormal Relationship And Setting The Bar Higher (Part I)

IStock_00happyolder coupleXSmallI often get asked what is “normal” in relationships; I don’t ever want to answer the  “normal” question.  I don’t like to answer this because I believe that the norm for couples is way below par.  It is way too common for couples to be yelling, cheating, acting selfish and in general acting anything but cherishing to their partners. 

I want to move away from “normal” as a goal for couples.  Striving for the average relationship is truly setting the bar way too low; you deserve better than normal—trust me.  How about we all strive for the abnormal when it comes to relationships.  Let’s all try to do things differently from the way most people are doing it.  Let’s try to truly create relationships that are loving, respectful and feel great to be in.  Shall we?

Here’s to the abnormal!  Below are the first five of 10 characteristics of healthy relationships.  I encourage you to work hard to incorporate each and every one of these into your closest relationships.
1.    Cherishing.  Genuinely treat your loved ones as though you cherish them—through your words and actions.  Be kind, compassionate, complimentary and understanding.
2.    Respectful.  Refuse to call your loved one a name, swear at them in anger or treat them with disrespect in any way at any time—even in anger.  If you mess up—repair it without excuses or justification.  Simply own your mistake, apologize and STOP doing it.  Speak to your loved ones as though they are close friends whom you greatly admire.
3.    Authentic.  Be honest.  Tell your truth with compassion and…tell it.  Without honesty there is no trust and without trust there is no healthy relationship.  Refuse to lie.  If there’s something you’re struggling to say, tell them you need to think about it and get back to them.  Do not justify your lies because of their expected reactions—set a limit on their reactions and control your lies.
4.    Affectionate.  There’s nothing like a pat on the back by a friend, an understanding hug from your partner or a high five from your teenager to let you know you matter.  Great relationships require some affection; they require warmth.  Be warm to those you love: squeeze their hand, ruffle their hair, give them a kiss, high five them, etc.  Show the love!
5.    Accountable.  Making mistakes is part of our humanity, however, it appears that owning these mistakes is not so much a part of humanity.  Learn to apologize, accept when you are wrong and then repair it.  Repair requires an apology, an action and due diligence to insure it does not keep happening.  The abnormally healthy relationships are high on accountability.

Creating healthy relationships requires that we be mindful of our actions rather than reactive.  Without being deliberate about how we show up in the world we are all destined to stay “normal” which is doing all of our relationships a true disservice.  Dare to soar past the norm and into great.

Challenge: Scan the relationships in your life and of those around you and honestly ask yourself how all of you are doing.  Look over these characteristics and pick the two that you are weakest in and focus on those.  Pay attention to any shifts that occur.

December 14, 2011

Addressing Jealousy From The Start

IStock_0angry manllOver the years I’ve seen countless relationships entangled in the spider web of jealousy.  Jealousy can hit men and women of all ages and is often highly destructive and very difficult to live with.

Jealousy can initially show up as the other person wanting to spend a lot of time with you.  In the early stage of a relationship, it can seem very flattering for your partner to want to constantly be with you.  Soon, however, wanting to spend time with you turns into not wanting you to spend time with anyone else or wanting to know where you are all the time.  They may start calling/texting throughout the day to check up on you.  If you don’t answer, they may become angry, text or call non-stop until they get you a response or they might go out and find you in person.  At the extreme, a jealous partner may not want to let you out of their sight. 

Because jealousy can start off as flattering, some women aren’t aware of how bad it is until things become extreme.  The extremes of jealousy include control, intimidation, rage, abuse, threats and total lack of trust.  Living with someone who is highly jealousy can often feel like living in a prison; your every move is being monitored and weighed. 

Continue reading "Addressing Jealousy From The Start " »

December 08, 2011

What Are You Asking For? Is It Truly What You Want Or Is It What You Think You Will Get?

IStock_0ThinkingSmallAn interesting thing happens with countless women when it comes to asking for what they want.  Far too often they get stuck in the pattern of asking for what they think they’ll get rather than asking for what they truly want.  As you can imagine, this is creating a lot of struggles for far too many women. 

Here are a few examples of what I mean:
•    Susie says she would like to have a raise, but is certain her boss would say no.  She decides to wait until he brings the topic up and hopes he notices her hard work. 
•    Karen doesn’t want to sleep with the guy she’s dating until they have an agreement that each of them is exclusive.  She is highly doubtful that he would agree to that though, so she decides to stay quite, sleep with him and hope for the best. 
•    Janice wants to ask her 75-year-old father to stop calling her names when he gets angry.  She’s certain he’ll get angry at the request and won’t stop the name calling, so she decides to learn how to accept his anger. 

When women want something, we often filter our desire through the lens of whether or not we think we can or will get what we want.  If we think the other person would never give us what we really want to ask for, then we often change our request to something we think we have a better chance of getting.

Continue reading "What Are You Asking For? Is It Truly What You Want Or Is It What You Think You Will Get?" »

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