When You Don’t Take Care Of You, Other’s Don’t Take Care Of You Either

Over the years, I’ve worked with countless women who have centered their entire lives around taking care of others.  If their husbands wanted to take a job that involved excessive traveling, crazy work hours and almost no time with family—no problem.  The women would, in essence, become a single parent and pick up the slack for their husbands’ absences.  If the children wanted to be involved in countless activities, have their mother’s constant, undivided attention and limitless nurturance—by all means the women would become super moms and make that happen.  If their friends needed their help at the drop of the hat, again and again and again—no problem.  After all what are friends for, right?

The funny thing about working with all these women is they are often some of the kindest, most giving people you will ever meet.  They are also some of the most taken–advantage-of people I’ve met. 
•    The women with the traveling, workaholic husbands often come in heart-broken that their husbands have been having an on-going affair with a co-worker—while their wives keep the home life together so the husband can travel.
•    The “nurtured” children often boss “mom” around, talk disrespectfully and expect her to do what they want when they want.
•    Many of the women’s “friends” have a history of being very good at asking for help, yet not at all skilled at offering help.  The end result: the care-taking women end up giving and giving and giving, but receive very little in return (not only from friends, but from most people in their lives).

Why is it that when women (or people in general) are constantly taking care of others, others don’t take care of them in return?  Many of these women believe that the more they help others, the more others will help them.  Seldom, however, do things play out this way.  The reason things don’t play out like that is because women who are excessively all about others give others the distinct message that others don’t need to think about them.  The more these women sacrifice their lives for the lives of their loved ones, the more their loved ones learn that is okay.  Statements like the following become the norm:
•    “Oh, mom can do it.  She won’t mind.”
•    “My wife would be happy to throw together a dinner party for twenty—she loves doing things like that.”
•    “Go ask Mary.   She’ll help.  She always finds a way to lend a helping hand.”

In essence, others learn to sacrifice the lives of these women for their own wellbeing because the women do.  Why should Tom be concerned about his wife putting everyone else first if she isn’t concerned?  Women who struggle with this syndrome wake up one day wondering where the hell they lost themselves along the way.  Essentially, they lost a little part of themselves each time they ignored their own needs and self-care for the needs and wants of those around them.

When it comes to caring for ourselves and caring for others it’s vital that we don’t get caught ignoring either half of the equation.  Giving is a wonderful thing in relationships and an important way to show you care.  Giving to our selves is just as important and helps us -- as well as others -- to see that we matter just as they matter.  If we choose to put ourselves last time and time again, others will put us last also. 

Challenge:  If you struggle with putting everyone’s needs before your own, begin to pay attention to this dynamic in your life.  How often to you give, only to later feel resentful?  Who in your life do you feel takes advantage of you?  Begin to think about what you want and take small steps to making that happen.