5 posts from April 2012

April 30, 2012

How to Have Better Sex; What the Expert Said

NOTE:  I found this article on the internet and knew it would be so helpful for many of my readers. Enjoy!

This post was written by: Dating Coach Marni Battista 

It was a very interesting tele-class last night in which  Chyrstal Bougon, Founder of, revealed practical tips and techniques to have better sex with your partner.  You can download the link now to listen to the class, but I want to write today to express this: While the places to touch, kiss and lick your partner are VERY important, one of the most important lessons we discussed on this call is the importance of communication.

To begin, “The Rule of 60—Days, That Is,” (One of the Dating With Dignity Foundation Principles which suggests that you wait at least 60 days until you have intercourse with someone whom you want to build a long-term relationship), requires that a couple discuss sex  as things naturally progress on the way to a possible exclusive relationship.  I received several questions from listeners with questions regarding this very topic; is it, in fact, ok to tell someone you want to wait to have sex?  Or, conversely, do you “play coy,” as one listener asked, hoping to put off a direct conversation in lieu of hoping for a quick get-away at the end of each date.

The answer is simple:  Communicate!  Ditch the “cool girl” mentality and state your values confidently.  Be self assured when telling your potential lover that you are not someone who has sex casually, and that when, and if, you do decide to have sex it will be when you feel the relationship meets your expectations.  Here’s a few important guidelines to ensure this conversation effectively communicates your position:

1.  Make sure you have  conversations regarding the decision to have sex vertical AND clothed. Many Dignity Daters have heard me tell the story of Aaron, who was asked by Lucia, a woman he had dated twice, if having sex with him meant he was now “her boyfriend.”  The icing on the cake?  Lucia asked Aaron this question while they were in bed, naked, his expression masked by ecstasy as he hovered just inches above her, moments before he was to “seal the deal.”  His response?  ”Of course,” Aaron whispered, consummating the relationship effortlessly.  Needless to say, Aaron never saw Lucia again.  While Lucia clearly picked an inopportune time to ask Aaron this question, what’s more important to note is that she did have an expectation associated with intercourse.  She didn’t communicate this expectation.  Ever.  Make sure  you discuss sex, your expectations, and your relationship goals.  And yes, make sure you are wearing clothes.
2.  Be direct. There is no time in a relationship to play games, withhold sex as an expression of your power, or manipulate your partner in regards to the decision.  Instead, communicate why it is important for you to wait.  In addition, be clear that while you do not want to have intercourse until you have a commitment (if this is your relationship goal), ensure your partner that you are open to exploring other possibilities for sexual gratification as the relationship progresses.  Making these choices is done together, further providing opportunities to communicate with one another.
3.  Find new ways to make him hot! As you “Data-Date” (collect new data about the person as you get to know them) create opportunities to have fun together.  Flirt.  Explore  ways to be sexy, sensual and passionate.  Kiss often!   Hold hands, exploring the small spaces between his  fingers, investigate the place where the base of her hair meets her neck.  Notice his eyes.  Relish the moments together, enjoying this process of slowly beginning to know someone in an intimate way.

Remember this — Live a life of purpose, passion and self awareness as you date with dignity.  Each moment describes who you are, and gives you the opportunity to decide if that’s who you want to be.

Link to article:

April 25, 2012

Finding Your GPS (Grounded Powerful Strength): Stop Behaving In The Extremes

IStock_00angry womenlIn our world today, very few people have mastered the art of standing up for themselves.  After working with hundreds, if not thousands, of people over the years, I’ve found that people typically land in one of three groupings when it comes to having difficult conversations or handling difficult situations:
1.    The “take no sh*t” group.  This is the group of people who will quickly react in anger to hurtful behavior or issues of disagreement.  If someone speaks to them disrespectfully, this group often will quickly shut that person down, fight back, get defensive, yell, scream or intensely storm out.  
2.    The “create no waves” group.  This group tries to do whatever is necessary to keep things calm.  They can duck, walk on eggshells, placate, make empty promises, silence or try to appease others.
3.    The "teapot” group.  This group slowly simmers by silencing, placating and letting things go for a period of time, only to later escalate and blow up.

As you can imagine, none of these approaches is effective.  Too many people work in the extremes—either silencing and placating or snapping and bullying.  As a result, people either overshoot or undershoot in their responses to upset.  Too few people actually step in with a Grounded Powerful Strength (GPS). 

A Grounded Powerful Strength is calm, strong AND relational. The bottom-line rule in a GPS is DO NO HARM.  Regardless of how angry you are or someone else is, neither you nor the other person has the right to be verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.  Yelling, screaming and calling names are abusive—to others.  Allowing others to yell, scream and treat you poorly is abusive—to you.

Continue reading "Finding Your GPS (Grounded Powerful Strength): Stop Behaving In The Extremes" »

April 20, 2012

Is Avoiding Conflict Really Helping You? The Cost Of Ducking

IStock_00silencemallMany people struggle with conflict.  Some bully their way through conflict, while others duck to avoid conflict at all cost.  Although there have been tons of information about the pitfalls of bullying and rage on relationships, often people forget about the pitfalls of ducking from hard issues.  They frequently believe that because ducking avoids a fight, it’s a healthy choice to make in response to conflict.  They couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Contrary to popular belief, ducking is anything but a good response to conflict in relationships.  Ducking can take on many different forms and is an equal opportunity response to conflict -- both men and women duck.  People can duck by getting silent and refusing to speak about an issue.  They can duck by becoming passive-aggressive and indirectly complaining without ever directly addressing the issue.  They can change the subject, shut the conversation down, placate, over-accommodate or pretend they’re okay with an issue only to later complain about it under their breath.  They can lie and say everything is fine, smile instead of frown and pretend rather than be real.  The truth is, there are probably countless ways to duck when it comes to conflict.  Not surprisingly, however, regardless of which approach we use, ducking is not helpful


Continue reading "Is Avoiding Conflict Really Helping You? The Cost Of Ducking" »

April 09, 2012

The Ties That Bind Us

IStock_00fakesmilemallIn my work with women throughout the years, I’ve found many beliefs that keep women down.  Some of these beliefs have come from our up-bringing, some have come from our culture and some have come from our own internal processes.  Until women begin to look at these beliefs and truly challenge them, we will likely continue to struggle in far too many relationships in our lives.

Below are the five most common beliefs that I believe wreak havoc in the lives of women today:
1.    Women need to be nice.  From birth, women are constantly told to be “nice.”  We’re told to not hurt anyone’s feelings, put a smile on, make people comfortable, etc.  The problem with this message is that “nice” ends up meaning to sacrifice one’s self for the greater good of everyone else.  Sacrificing ourselves so others feel okay is a crazy notion that is hurting women and our culture at large.  Until women learn to stand up for ourselves, we are destined to pay a heavy price.
2.    Women need a man to feel worthy/okay/complete.  From a young age, the pressure on females to have a boyfriend and, later, a husband is enormous.  For some reason, our world leads us to believe that the attention of males in some way legitimizes the worthiness of females.  This is crazy and dangerous thinking that sets young girls and women up to be abused and taken advantage of in relationships.  Until females are taught to believe in themselves in their own right, we will continue to have far too many crimes against women.  A man does not complete a woman.  She was already complete long before the man came along.  A man (if he’s a good man) simply adds to her life and vice-a-versa.

Continue reading "The Ties That Bind Us" »

April 04, 2012

Women And The Quest For Perfection

IStock_0perfectlAs a human being, I am acutely aware that mistakes are a part of life.  I will make mistakes, my friends will make mistakes, my family members will make mistakes, the people who work for me will make mistakes and even my mentors will make mistakes.  This is an inevitable part of life.  As a women, parent, friend, wife, business owner, leader, mentor etc., you need to know that mistakes happen to the best of us…and no one is immune. 

It will serve you well when you can learn to accept this aspect of life rather than getting freaked out by it.

Too many women expect perfection.  Women across the board put an enormous amount of pressure on themselves and their loved ones to reach extremely high goals with few, if any, mistakes along the way.  When a mistake is made or an unrealistic goal isn’t met, women often begin to micro-manage others to ensure additional mistakes are not made.  They hover over their children doing their homework, re-load the dishwasher that was “improperly” loaded or simply take on everything in the house so they can do it “right”. Doing everything right or perfect, of course, is an impossible feat—given that we are all human--resulting in an overstressed mother, a resentful wife and a tense home environment.

In their quest for perfection, women may become harsher and more critical in response to mistakes.  Not surprisingly, this reaction creates more mistakes because children become disempowered, nervous and afraid of their mom’s reactions.  Ironically, the woman’s attempt to minimize mistakes simply makes them grow exponentially with each of her punitive responses.

In life it will serve not only you, but also those around you as well to learn to accept that we are each imperfect.  Imperfection is one of the inevitable aspects of our humanity.  There is nothing we can do to change this reality.  No matter how hard you, as a woman, try, your children try or your partner tries…mistakes will happen.  You will make mistakes and so will those around you. 

Know that mistakes are not the problem.  The problem is their aftermath -- people defending, rationalizing or passing off their mistakes onto someone else.  Mistakes are often your greatest learning opportunity.  Instead of shaming your children for making mistakes—teach them to learn from them. Instead of assuming your way to load the dishwasher is the only right way—try making room for the “right” way of others. 

Breathe.  Relax.  Let go.

Stop demanding perfection.  Perfection is an impossible feat for you, your family or any human being on this planet.  See mistakes as learning opportunities rather than proof of incompetency, laziness or stupidity.  If the same person is making the same mistakes again and again—then worry.  Until then, normalize mistakes, learn from them and allow those around you the space to be imperfect…even if mistakes will be made along the way.

Challenge: As a woman, look at the extraordinary demands you put on yourself and those around you.  Begin to loosen the reigns on both.  The next time you or a loved one makes a mistake…PAUSE…BREATHE…and refuse to shame.  Look at the gift in that mistake and learn from it.

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