8 posts from May 2012

May 31, 2012

Finding Your GPS In Relationships: A teleclass for women

IStock_0eyesallI'm excited to announce that in response to many requests from past participants, I will be offering a new 6 week tele-class for women (and men) on standing up with a grounded powerful strength in life and relationships.

  • Are you tired of saying the same things over and over again with few things ever changing?
  • Do you silence your voice out of fear of others being angry, hurt or upset with what they have to say?
  • Do you yell and scream to be heard—only to find out you’re not heard anyway?
  • Do you want to learn the skills to be much more effective in your life and relationships than you are today?
  • Are you struggling at work, home or in the world to set limits in ways that are powerful, respectful and effective?
  • Do you struggle with being authentic and speak your truth?
  • Do you accept the unacceptable because you don’t know what else to do?

This class is for any woman who would like to enhance her relationships everywhere in her life: at work, with children, in friendships and/or in romantic relationships.

Finding Your GPS In Relationships: A teleclass for women

What is covered?

  • The core tenents to incorporating a Grounded Powerful Strength (GPS)
  • Assessing the ties that bind us to old patterns and ineffective behaviors
  • Learning how to shift from trying to prove yourself to learning to trust yourself
  • Examining the excuses that hold us back from stepping in with a GPS
  • How to step in with calm, competency and confidence when being treated poorly by the different people in your life (boss, lover, child, friend).
  • Walking in the world with a grounded, powerful strength that produces results.

I look forward to taking this journey with you and starting a ripple effect of change across the world one relationship at a time!  

What does it cost?

Early bird registration is $179.00 if payment is received on or before July 6th, increasing to $199.00 thereafter 

When and where it's happening:

•    Tuesdays; 6:30pm – 7:45pm EST (5:30 pm CST, 4:30 pm MST, 3:30 pm PST)

•    When: August 21, 28, September 4, 11, 18, 25

•    Where:  Any place where you can get comfortable, be real and have a phone.

* Seats are limited so hurry and sign up now! 

All calls will be recorded although your presence on the call will make for a richer experience. Any woman who would like to learn the skills necessary to build relationships that fuel them are welcome to join the tele-class.  NOTE: Men are also welcome to join this class.

For more information click on this link:

I hope to "see" you on the call. 

Warm regards

May 30, 2012

The Fear Of Losing Your Relationship Is Killing Your Relationship

IStock_00man yellingCountless women are staying in miserable relationships.  They know what they’re living in is unhealthy.  They know they need to set limits and stand up for themselves and they know that these relationships are slowly tearing them apart.  Yet they stay. 

The bottom line is that you can read a thousand self-help books, go to the best relationship experts in the world and hear the advice of all of your closest friends, yet none of these will change your relationship if you don’t heed the advice you’re given.  None of these supports will help if you don’t love yourself enough to stand up for yourself.  No one can do that for you.

Many of the women I work with are extremely bright, competent women, who know what they need to do.  They know it’s not okay to have someone screaming at them.  They know that having their husband continue in an affair while he decides which woman he wants to be with isn’t helping them.  And, they know that desperately hoping for change will not create change.  Yet they continue to accept and do all of the above.

The problem is not that women don’t know what they want or what they should and should not accept.  Although some women are unsure of these things, most women don’t struggle with this issue – they do know what they deserve.  Instead, many women struggle with daring to step behind what they want and deserve.  Women are willing to yell, scream, beg, become a sexual dynamo, cry, plead, manipulate and even threaten their partner.  They are not, however, willing to risk losing the relationship.  And not being willing to risk losing a relationship often plays out as not wanting to set limits, not wanting to directly ask for what they want and not wanting to do anything that might remotely upset the proverbial apple cart.  As you can imagine, this fear leaves very few options for changing a bad relationship—or any relationship for that matter.

Continue reading "The Fear Of Losing Your Relationship Is Killing Your Relationship" »

May 25, 2012

In The Name Of God

IStock_0preacherallI am struck by the things people say and do, “in the name of God.”  In a May 13 sermon to his congregation, Pastor Charles L. Worley, of Providence Road Baptist Church in Maiden, N.C., said, "I figured a way to get rid of all the lesbians and queers.  Build a great big, large fence – 50 or a 100 miles long – and put all the lesbians in there.  Fly over and drop some food.  Do the same thing with the queers and the homosexuals, and have that fence electrified so they can't get out.  Feed them.  And you know in a few years, they'll die out.  You know why?  They can't reproduce."

The irony of a pastor preaching to his congregation about the “sin” of homosexuality by advocating imprisoning homosexuals within an electrified fence until they die is so outrageous it’s almost comical.  It’s not comical though; it’s toxic and dangerous.  Similarly, the irony of people vehemently fighting to stop abortions because it’s “murder” only to condone killing the doctors who are providing abortions is also so absurd as to almost be comical…except it’s not—it’s also dangerous.

I see this type of extreme communication throughout my work with both couples and individuals.  In an effort to be heard, far too many people go to the extremes.  Countless people and organizations think that if they believe strongly enough about something, they have the right to get that point across in any manner necessary -- even if it means encouraging hate and murder.  Too many people also believe that the poor behavior of someone else is a green light for their own poor behavior.  Both these ideas are dangerous.  The strength of one’s convictions does not give anyone the right to boldly blast others, condemn others or harm others.  A pastor, of all people, should know this, preach this and live this.

Continue reading "In The Name Of God" »

May 21, 2012

The Assumptions We Make And How They Hurt Us

IStock_0brainquestionmarksSmallPeople make assumptions about other people all the time.  We assume we know what others are really thinking, why they’re doing what they’re doing and what they really mean rather than taking them at their word.  The problem with making assumptions about why others are doing what they’re doing is that we almost always assume the negative.  If we get triggered by someone’s actions, nine times out of ten we will assume the worst of intentions on the other person’s part.  Seldom do we assume positive intentions.

Too often we jump to a conclusion that is not only wrong, but is also often hurtful.  For example, if our children are not responding to us, we quickly assume they’re rude and disrespectful.  If our partner is quiet and sullen, we assume they’re mad at us and don’t want to talk.  A parent can give us feedback and we assume it’s because all they see is the negative in us. 

In everyday life we make assumptions all the time about other people.  Although there may be times when our assumptions are correct, the reality is more often that they are incorrect…and strongly negatively slanted.  For example, my friend Steve told me about a time when his child was gushing blood from a head wound and needed to get to the hospital fast.  Steve got his son in the car and went as fast as he could to the hospital. On the way, he had to pass a slow-moving car.  The driver of the slow car proceeded to honk, give my friend the finger and yell a few choice words at Steve.  Steve felt bad that the guy was so mad and wished he could tell him why he had to move past him.  I remember thinking at the time about all the cars I’ve been annoyed with, that I assumed were just obnoxious people driving selfishly…hmmm.  While I’m sure not all of them were driving a loved one to the hospital, I’m also not sure how many were caught in a bad day, were afraid of losing their jobs, just found out their partner was having an affair and on and on.

Continue reading "The Assumptions We Make And How They Hurt Us" »

May 17, 2012

Women And Friendship: Are Your Friendships Dragging You Down?

IStock_0cattywomenallThere is nothing like having a close friend you can count on to help you through life’s crazy journey.  Friends can be there to comfort and support you, cheer you on, wake you up, warn you, guide you and just be present with you.  Friends can also, however, do the opposite. 

Friendships, like any other close relationship in your life, should pull you up rather than drag you down.  Although many women are pulling one another up, there are also a number of women who are not.  It’s important to know the difference between the friends who are pulling you up versus those who are dragging you down.  Below are five signs that your friends are dragging you down and are not the healthy supports you need in your life. 
1.    They give you harmful advice.  If your friends are telling you to get drunk, sleep around, get revenge, etc., they’re dragging you down.  Often this kind of advice comes from women who are also partying, etc., and they don’t want to feel bad about themselves or what they’re doing.  If they can get you to do the same, they won’t have to look at their own stuff.  If your friends are out partying a lot, sleeping around, etc., chances are they’re running from something that they don’t want to look at.  Getting you to join them helps with their denial.  Stop joining them and instead open your eyes.
2.    They tell you what they think you want to hear.  Friends should be a safe place to get honest feedback.  If your friends are constantly “yessing” you to keep you happy, they’re not helping.  It’s not helpful for our friends to always take our side even when they know we are off.  True feedback is a gift and when friends are courageous enough to give you honest feedback in a compassionate way, that is a courageous and loving act.  Telling you what you want to hear is not.

Continue reading "Women And Friendship: Are Your Friendships Dragging You Down?" »

May 14, 2012

Sometimes You Have To Yell To Be Heard…or Do You?

IStock_0womanyellingat manllBelow is an excerpt from a recent note I received from a woman:
“…If I remain calm and peaceful he takes it as a sign that he can walk all over me. Us women are so conditioned to take it all with a calm and sweet smile. What kind of world have we created for our daughters and us? Women in general are still dealing with a lot of oppression and inequality in our society. I do not know one woman that has not suffered from it in one way or another-- being bullied at home, on the street, at work, at school, a man controlling, belittling, not regarding women as equal, but something to dominate and manipulate. You are very fortunate if your husband does not take advantage of your calm composure. Many of us will only have to endure more laughing in our face and more oppression if we do not stand up, rock the boat and claim or human rights, whispering or screaming, ‘Enough! I can’t take this any more.’”

In my work with women over the years I have heard this sentiment over and over again.  In fact, I see this sentiment play out all over the world with both men and women.  In general, when people get angry they either bully through people with their anger or duck in the face of anger.  Some people duck then bully.  The end result is people behaving in the extremes.  Behaving in the extremes, though, is not helping us.  When we bully, we’re being abusive and when we’re ducking we’re allowing ourselves to be abused.  Neither of these responses is okay or effective.

It is true that women do indeed need to rock the boat.  It is also true that women continue to this day to be bullied, gawked at, controlled, belittled and treated as anything but equals by far too many people in the world.  It is not true, however, that women yelling about it is going to change anything.  In my work with women and couples, I see far too many women doing nothing but yelling…and it is NOT working.  If women scream and yell that they can’t take it anymore -- and then they stay there and take it -- their words mean nothing. 

Continue reading "Sometimes You Have To Yell To Be Heard…or Do You?" »

May 10, 2012

What’s Required From the Betraying Partner In Order To Heal From An Affair?

IStock_0lyingllOver the years I have worked with hundreds of couples impacted by affairs and have found that there are 5 components that are necessary in the healing process.  Without one of these components, the odds of healing are greatly reduced.   Although many couples would love to simply forget about the affair and move on, in my experience this seldom if ever works:  “That which we don’t look at, is destined to repeat itself”.  Wanting to move past an affair is particularly tempting for the partner who did the betrayal and is by far the worst move that person can do.

If you’re serious about healing from an affair, then hunker down and do the work that is necessary to build a solid foundation—otherwise move on and save yourself and your partner years of pain.

Hunkering down means you get serious about the healing and incorporate the following 5 components into your repair work with your partner:
1.    Be remorseful. True remorse is a prerequisite for healing from an affair.  The betraying partner has to genuinely be sorry for his/her decision to have an affair and directly state this to their partner with no if’s, ands or buts added to the apology.  Remorse shows up not only in the words you speak but the energy in which you speak them and in the actions you take that backs those words up.
2.    Be accountable.  If you had an affair, do not blame your actions on your partner, your marriage or your affair partner.  Be accountable for your choice to cheat. Own your actions 100% and do not excuse them.  If your marriage was bad, you had the right to fix it, set limits on it, get professional help, separate or to leave; you did not have the right to break a commitment and cheat.

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May 03, 2012

Stop Taking Things So Personally; Sometimes It’s Just Not About You

IStock_0angrywomanllOne of the most freeing things in life is the ability to not take things so personally.  It is also one of the most difficult things to do.  People get reactive all the time to things that have nothing or very little to do with them.  People also give meaning to something that was said that simply isn’t there.  Below are several examples of what I mean:
•    Sam’s boss told him to be certain his project report was free of mistakes.  Sam’s internal response to that statement was to get angry and think, “Why the hell did she tell me that?  Does she think I’m stupid?”
•    Sarah’s husband said he wanted to make sure they did something special for their son’s birthday.  Sarah found that comment to be insulting and thought to herself, “What kind of mother does he think I am?!”
•    When Karen had to cancel her plans with her friend because she was sick, her friend questioned her honesty, asking if she was really sick or just didn’t feel like going out.  Karen was offended that her friend would even think that.  What the hell!  Does her friend think she’s a liar?

In all these examples the people are taking something personally that is not personal at all.  Too often we forget that the people in our lives come with their own experiences, traumas and histories. We also forget that these histories impact how they interpret things, what they fear and how they respond to people in their lives.  This is true for us as well.
Going through the above scenarios for example, each one has a background story impacting the interaction.

Continue reading "Stop Taking Things So Personally; Sometimes It’s Just Not About You" »

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