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5 posts from September 2012

September 25, 2012

Five Reasons To STOP Your Reactivity

IStock_00angry womenlReactivity is far too common today.  Someone feels slighted and they fall apart or attack the person whom they think slighted them.  Another person feels wounded and they respond by blurting out the one thing they’re sure will hit the offender like a ton of bricks.  Yet another person discovers their partner had an affair and they make it their mission to make their partner, their partner’s lover and the lover’s family pay for the betrayal. 

It’s time to stop the reactivity.  If we cannot contain ourselves when life throws us a curve ball, then we are in for a very bumpy ride.  Life throws us curve balls.  People make mistakes that cause other people pain.  Men and women alike will be hurt, disappointed, upset and frustrated by one another from now until the end of time.  It benefits all of us when we can handle these life incidents without flipping out, hurting back, collapsing or getting hysterical.  Remaining grounded and calm in even the most difficult of times will help the difficult times be less difficult.  Staying calm while also setting limits and having our own back during these times will also speed up any healing that needs to happen.

When it comes to reactivity, it’s best to leave it out of your life.  Below are five reasons to stop the reactivity.  Take note:
1.    Reactivity is a thoughtless act.  Anytime we just give in to our knee-jerk reaction, we are not thinking.  That is a child-like response to an adult problem.  Children can’t solve adult problems.
2.    Reactivity results in you looking like the crazy person.  Regardless of what the other person did or didn’t do, when we start responding in the extreme, we look like the crazy one.  When we look crazy, the other person looks like the good guy—even when they’re not.

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September 18, 2012

Speak Your Truth or You Will Lose Yourself.

IStock_0maskwithwomanllToo many women wake up and say, “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”  Losing yourself is a slow process that occurs one unspoken word or false action at a time.  Eventually they add up, until one day you realize you’ve lost yourself.

When you silence your voice or act in ways that are not true to yourself, you end up shutting down the core of who you are.  I see this done every day by all kinds of women—even top executives who run multi-million dollar companies.  Women like to be liked.  We want others to think highly of us.  We are willing to keep quiet if it means our friend or loved one isn’t hurt or upset with us.  We’re willing to give in and do something that goes against our beliefs or instincts if it means the relationship will stay intact or the other person will still want to be around us.  In a thousand little ways we’re willing to compromise—even if the “compromise” is really doing or saying what only the other person wants us to do or say.

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September 10, 2012

Tips For Building Intimacy

IStock_0dating(2)When it comes to building intimacy, people often think it takes major efforts over a long period of time.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.  Building intimacy is in the little things and it starts with a genuine love and respect for the other person. 

Below are five stepping-stones to building intimacy in a friendship, romantic relationship or family.  The more consistently you implement these, the more intimacy and trust you will create in your relationships.

1.    Speak honestly:  We cannot have intimacy if we’re not willing to tell our truth to those we love.   Sharing our truth with compassion is one of the greatest gifts we can give to someone.  Even the difficult truths are gifts. It doesn’t serve us to pretend things are fine if they aren’t.  It doesn’t help us to say our relationship is great if they aren’t. When we can have the courage to truly tell the other person what is going on for us (in a grounded, respectful way), we begin to build true intimacy. 
2.    Share yourself:  Relationships are about connection.  One key way we get and feel connected is by sharing our stories with one another.  It’s incredibly intimate to share one’s dreams, fears, ideas and even embarrassments with another and trust that they can hold that information with love. Intimacy means: “Into-me-you see”, if we’re not sharing ourselves with our loved ones, we create distance not intimacy.

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September 07, 2012

Boston University’s Men’s Hockey Team: “Culture of Sexual Entitlement”

IStock_0icehockeymallWhen I read the article about the BU men’s hockey team (http://tinyurl.com/9aferzs), I have to admit I felt sick to my stomach.  I was disgusted by the report a female made that a player stuck his hands down her pants and refused to stop even as she was punching him.  I was sickened by a player’s alleged comment that you don’t ask permission for sex when you’re drunk.  I was saddened by allegations that players were having sex in the penalty box while people were partying all around.  When the report went on to talk about the common occurrence of group sex the players allegedly engage in…well, you get the gist.

I can’t begin to venture a guess about what is true or not about this report, however I can tell you I’m not surprised.  Male athletes have been falsely empowered since the beginning of time.  They are taught that the rules don’t apply to them.  They are given outrageous privileges, let off the hook for heinous acts -- and even crimes -- and are cheered as super-human figures.  Seldom do people hold them accountable for their actions…and when people try, the victims often pay a steep price for their courage. 

Until our world stops being enthralled by these men, they will continue to leave damage in their wake.  Women will be harmed, girls will be objectified, men will struggle in their relationships and on and on.  When society teaches boys and girls from a young age that athletes (or movie stars or politicians, etc.) are omnipotent, it sets these people up to feel and act as though they are omnipotent.  Consequently, women fawn over them, children look up to them, society excuses and minimizes their indiscretions and the athletes do what they want, when they want and with whom they want because that is how they’ve been trained.

It’s time to stop the training. 

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September 04, 2012

A Note To Women Voters

IStock_0VoteWomen fought long and hard for the right to vote in this country.  They were mocked, condemned, protested against and told by countless men that they should not have that right.  It was a long-held belief that men should decide the fate of not only our country and our world, but of women as well.  From the beginning of time men did, in fact, make life decisions for the women of the world…until women fought to be a part of the decision-making process.  Finally, on... “August 26, 1920, the Nineteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution became law, and women could vote in the fall elections, including in the Presidential election.” (http://womenshistory.about.com/od/suffrage1900/a/august_26_wed.htm)

Women of today owe our right to vote to the powerful women who risked everything for this right.  Each and every one of us owes it to ourselves and to the women of tomorrow to take this right seriously.  We cannot for a moment take this right for granted.

We, as women, have the power to create large-scale change in not only our country, but our world as well.  Voting is one way to do this. The next presidential election for the United States of America takes place on Tuesday, November 5, 2012.  This election (like the ones before it) will affect the lives of every single man, woman and child in our world today.  Be a responsible voter. 

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