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2 posts from May 2014

May 28, 2014

Why Does He Keep Doing This to Me?

IStock_000000381585_ExtraSmallHave you ever found yourself in the same painful situation with the same person time and time again and wondered why that person keeps hurting you? If so, you’re not alone. Many women wonder:
•    How could he do this to me again? This is his third affair—doesn’t he know how much he’s hurting me?
•    I can’t believe he’s drunk again! I’m so tired of his drinking. Why does he keep doing this?
•    Oh my gosh -- another lie! Why does he keep lying to me? Doesn’t he know I can’t trust him?

The issues could be anything, but the message is often the same: “How could he possible do this to me again?” The answer, though, is most likely not what you want to hear or look at. The truth is that it doesn’t matter why he does what he does. The important question is why do you keep responding the same way and expecting a different result? He knows your response is going to be the same as it always is and that in the end you’ll most likely still be there. You may be angrier, sadder or a little more distant for a while, but after all is said and done he knows things will go back to normal. He’ll make his apologies (hopefully), promise to not do it again and he’ll be in the dog house for a few days. Soon everything will go back to the way it was. You’ll think to yourself that maybe this time he really will change or perhaps he really does mean what he says. Maybe, just maybe, you’ll hope, this relationship will be what you always wished for.  

So you wait and see.

Continue reading "Why Does He Keep Doing This to Me?" »

May 15, 2014

Power from Within Versus Power-Over

IStock_000001213984_ExtraSmallOur world functions in a power-over paradigm. We confuse power with aggression and standing up for ourselves with stepping on others. World leaders, men, women, professional athletes, politicians and on and on, often move in power over others in an effort to get them to agree with their demands. Our world teaches us that yelling, intimidating and overall bullying others is okay if it serves our own needs. We snap at employees, tell our loved ones to shut up, shame our school children for mistakes, yell and scream at those we feel aren’t listening and bully those who struggle to stand their ground. We’re taught that sometimes the only way to be heard is to get BIG.

In the short run, this power-over paradigm often works. It succeeds in getting us what we want. People cower to our rage, they give in to our demands and many shrink to our intimidation. For the moment, we “win.” People back down, give us space and give in.

We forget to notice, however, what it feels like to the person on the other side. In that moment, we don’t really care that they gave in out of fear. We don’t care that people don’t like to be bullied, shut down or not listened to. We don’t stop to notice how our intensity or our rage silenced their voice. We only notice whether we got our way.

Continue reading "Power from Within Versus Power-Over" »

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