Straight Talk On Relationships

BACKLASH TO PROTECTING YOUR MARRAIGE FROM AFFAIRS POST: NO ONE-ON-ONE IS A BIT EXTREME...Isn't it?

Obviously my post on Making Your Relationship An Affair-Free Zone has struck a chord.

L.Knowlan commented:

"This is the most narrow-minded old-paradigm advice I have read in a while.  This puts so much pressure on the spouse / partner to be everything that most relationships will be doomed to failure.  If you aren't secure enough in your commitment to have other friends of the opposite sex, then perhaps you shouldn't be married."

CHAIR22202 wrote: "...That's plain insecurity speaking! A relationship is either working or not working...”

Perhaps I should have been clearer:  Having an occasional lunch, cup of coffee or the like with a person of the opposite sex is fine.  However, the key word here is occasional.  Occasional does not mean every other week or even once a month.  This should be the exception and not the rule.

Is this insecurity speaking?  Ask the thousands of people who've had affairs how they started.  It is a myth that affairs happen only in couples that are unhappy.  Again, ask the people who've had them if all of them were unhappy in their marriages.  Although many would say yes, many others would say no.  Some affairs happen because the right set of circumstances developed between the right set of people--neither of whom were protecting their relationships from the possibility of an affair; they didn't think they had too!

MAKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP AN AFFAIR-FREE ZONE

I continually get couples into my office following an affair, in the midst of an affair, on the brink of an affair or in the early stages of a potential affair.

These affairs or potential affairs are…killing marriages.

Those of us in committed relationships need to stop playing with fire.  If we play with fire enough, eventually we will get burned.  Here are four ways that people in committed relationships play with potential affair fires:

1. They go out, alone, with a person of the opposite sex (or same sex if you’re gay).  “Going out” does not just refer to a date or to dinner.  It can also include: breakfast, a cup of coffee, a drink, dinner or a snack.  The bottom line is -- when you go out individually with someone of the opposite sex (who is not a blood relative), you are opening yourself up for potential feelings, friendships and attractions.  It’s best to avoid this risk whenever possible.  Bottom Line:  going out one-on-one with a person of the opposite sex is a BAD idea. (NOTE:  The occasional meeting is fine...but I mean occasional.  It should be the exception not the rule).

MY PARTNER HAD AN AFFAIR AND NOW I’VE LOST ALL RESPECT FOR HIM/HER. IS IT POSSIBLE TO GET IT BACK?

On my Straight Talk Live call today one person asked, “Is it possible to ever respect your partner again after an affair.”  This was such an interesting question because, as the caller stated, most of the information about healing from an affair is about trust not respect.  The truth is the two often go hand in hand.

It’s very common for the betrayed partner to lose respect for the offending partner following an affair.  Common statements by betrayed partners include:

• “I just didn’t think my wife was that kind of person.”
• “He had everyone fooled, I guess.  I suppose his true colors finally came out.”
• “He’s not the person I thought I married.”
• “We obviously don’t have the same values anymore.  I can’t even bear to look at her.”

FIVE WARNING FLAGS FOLLOWING AN AFFAIR

It’s no secret that affairs rock relationships; they break the trust and shake the foundation to its core.  Most people don’t realize that even in the best of circumstances, healing from an affair often takes between three to five years.  For those couples who don’t have the best of circumstances in place, it can take forever, if it heals at all.

 

If your relationship has been impacted by an affair, here are some red flags to watch out for.   If, within the first six months to a year following the discovery of the affair, any of these are present in your relationship, I suggest you and your partner seek professional help to aid with the healing.

 

1. Your partner does not want to talk about it and keeps asking if you’re ever going to let him/her hear the end of it.  If your partner is not willing to discuss the affair with you, it’s unlikely you both will be able to heal from it.  If your partner gets angry whenever you get triggered rather than turning to comfort you, then know you’re on shaky ground. 

HAVE YOU CHOSEN TO STAY WHILE YOUR PARTNER CONTINUES TO HAVE AN AFFAIR? IF SO, IT’S TIME TO LOOK AT THAT DECISION

It may be surprising to know that many people decide to stay in their marriages while their partner’s openly having an affair.  There are many reasons for this including:

• Fear of being alone
• Believing that if they stay and do everything right their partner will come to his/her senses and decide to end the affair
• Lack of resources and finances
• A desperate longing to be loved

If you are making this same choice, I want you to do so while being conscious of the repercussions of that decision.  In the short run this decision might feel good--you get to put off a sudden end to the marriage, you still get a part of your partner, and as long as your partner stays you feel somewhat loved. 

The problem happens…in the long run.

STAND BY YOUR MAN…TO DO OR NOT TO DO: SHOULD GOVERNOR ELIOT SPITZER’S WIFE BE STANDING BY HER MAN…LITERALLY?

Another one bites the dust; it seems as though the politicians in this country are dropping like flies.  Whether it’s a heterosexual affair with an intern, a gay affair with another man, or string of sexual indiscretions with prostitutes, things are heating up in the political world. 

Unfortunately it is not only the offending individuals who are paying the price.

The ripple effect of these betrayals is enormous, touching the lives of the spouses, children, colleagues, employees, and our entire political system.  The spouses are devastated, the children ridiculed and teased, employees are forced to clean out their offices while the next political target comes in, and the faith in our Nations’ political system is shaken once again.

The behavior of one, impacts the lives of many... 

AFFAIRS AND HONESTY…to a point

In response to my last post a couple people have written to me regarding the ideal degree of disclosure in affairs. I want to thank those voices for reminding me to clarify my message.

My last post was regarding a very specific aspect of affairs and disclosure: your partner finds out there is someone else you are interested in, knows something is going on, and asks if you and this other person have been sexual. I believe in honesty when asked this question.

What I’ve found is many people answer this question by lying. They deny that there was any sex yet they admit to having feelings for the person. Some people become so adamant they didn’t have sex that they begin to turn it on their partner and accuse them of not trusting them. This is off.

If you are trying to heal your relationship, I don’t believe you can do that starting with a lie. Your partner will begin to feel crazy, s/he will be plagued with doubt because her/his gut is saying one thing yet you’re saying something else, and you will feel forced to keep up this lie for the remainder of your marriage. If it comes out later, you often will have a much more difficult time healing from it than if you were just honest from the beginning.

That said… Frank wrote:
“I think it totally depends on the level of detail. I have had three affairs in my twenty plus years of marriage. When my wife learned of this, she obsessed over every little detail. It made little difference in telling her, it didn't resolve the pain she felt. Nor did it help us to move forward. In fact, I think hearing the tiny bits of where we met, what we discussed, what we did, etc only made it worse. I advise both of you to decide early on if you wish to work through this to pick an appropriate level of detail.”

AFFAIRS…NOW THAT YOU’RE CAUGHT DO YOU TELL THE TRUTH?

I’ve worked with many couples over the years impacted by affairs. Inevitably the partner who was cheated on wants to know all the details; in particular, they want to know if their partner had sex with this person.

So what’s the right answer? Do you tell your partner you did and run the risk of him/her ending the relationship or do you lie and hope like hell you never get caught? First, let me just say this is not an easy decision to make; I understand the fear surrounding telling the truth. And…I believe telling the truth is the best avenue. Pulling a Bill Clinton, as history has shown, can often back fire and lead to a much rougher road in the end.

If you had an affair, and you truly want to work things out with your spouse/significant other, then I believe honesty is the best policy. Being honest about what really went on allows you to focus on repairing the relationship without having to keep up a lie. It allows you to start fresh with integrity.

RELATIONSHIP TRUISM: TRUST CAN TAKE A MOMENT TO BREAK AND A LIFETIME TO GET BACK

One of the most common things I see in my work with couples is a breach of trust. This breach can take the form of an affair, a hidden addiction, repetitive lies, misrepresentations of the facts (over and over again), broken promises etc. The fact that this occurs frequently may not be a surprise to anyone; people make mistakes and do things they regret all the time. As long as we are not repeating the same mistakes and are doing our best to repair them, then it’s just part of being human.

What is surprising to me however, is the expectation by the offending partner, that as soon as s/he apologizes, everything should go back to normal. This is crazy…especially if the damage s/he did was big (i.e. affair, addiction, repetitive lies and broken promises). In some cases, there isn’t even an apology and the offending partner feels entitled to forgiveness. This is even crazier!

The reality is: Trust can take a moment to break and a lifetime to get back.

The length of the road is largely determined by the offending partner and how s/he goes about repairing the damage done. If you do everything right, it may take only a couple years. If you don’t do everything right, you’re looking at a very long road.

ARE YOU HONEST IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS? IS DISHONESTY REALLY THAT HARMFUL?

People lie to one another all the time in relationships. One partner has an affair and swears up and down that nothing is going on. Another person promises that s/he quit smoking weeks ago, then their partner finds they have been sneaking cigarettes daily. Johnny tells Susan he doesn’t smoke pot anymore; when Susan leaves the house he gets high with a friend. Steve swears to Jodi that he hasn’t looked at porn in months; the next day she catches him on a porn site.

There are many different ways to lie: blatant lies, subtle lies of omission, (don’t ask, don’t tell, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”), “tricky truths,” half truths, mis-representations, and on and on. Our culture feeds on lies. Our highest officials blatantly lie to us all the time: (“Read my lips—I will not raise taxes,” “I did not have sex with that woman,” “There are weapons of mass destruction…”). The lies are endless and happen all the time to all kinds of people.

Each example, I have no doubt, would have a different explanation for the lie. One lie is to protect a spouse from pain, another is to protect a country from terrorism, another is to protect a person from losing his job and his family from losing his income, and another is to protect someone perhaps from a hate crime. All are lies, no matter how we explain them.

So why do we tell them?

The lies are unending in part because as long as nobody ever finds out about it, there’s no problem. You see, the seductive thing about lies is they can keep people out of trouble. Lies can hold off a fight, reduce the level of anger and disappointment between partners, protect someone’s feelings, stave off intense pain, stop a conflict, save a job, and can even, on occasion, save marriages--if they’re never found out.