What’s Required From the Betraying Partner In Order To Heal From An Affair?

Over the years I have worked with hundreds of couples impacted by affairs and have found that there are 5 components that are necessary in the healing process.  Without one of these components, the odds of healing are greatly reduced.   Although many couples would love to simply forget about the affair and move on, in my experience this seldom if ever works:  “That which we don’t look at, is destined to repeat itself”.  Wanting to move past an affair is particularly tempting for the partner who did the betrayal and is by far the worst move that person can do.

If you’re serious about healing from an affair, then hunker down and do the work that is necessary to build a solid foundation—otherwise move on and save yourself and your partner years of pain.

Hunkering down means you get serious about the healing and incorporate the following 5 components into your repair work with your partner:
1.    Be remorseful. True remorse is a prerequisite for healing from an affair.  The betraying partner has to genuinely be sorry for his/her decision to have an affair and directly state this to their partner with no if’s, ands or buts added to the apology.  Remorse shows up not only in the words you speak but the energy in which you speak them and in the actions you take that backs those words up.
2.    Be accountable.  If you had an affair, do not blame your actions on your partner, your marriage or your affair partner.  Be accountable for your choice to cheat. Own your actions 100% and do not excuse them.  If your marriage was bad, you had the right to fix it, set limits on it, get professional help, separate or to leave; you did not have the right to break a commitment and cheat.

Women Who Go After Attached Men

I was reading an article about single women interested in attached men.  I’m disgusted by what I read (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-bytes/201201/women-and-mate-poaching).

According to Psychology Today author John Buri, “When presented bio information along with a photo of a relatively attractive man, fewer than 60% of the women surveyed were interested in pursuing this man if he was NOT currently attached.  But if this man was already in a committed  romantic relationship, 90% of the single women expressed a strong desire to pursue him.”
Buri goes on to report that, “When asked why they were particularly attracted to attached men, single women responded:
-  "Revenge - what goes around comes around."
-  "To see if I can - I love a good challenge."
-  "It's exciting - you're in the hunt."
-  "Because I can - and once I do, it's an ego boost."
-  "Because he's already been tested - he's pre-approved."

Women, really?  If you are looking for a man who is already in a serious relationship you have some personal work to do.  The thrill of the hunt is a callous, superficial way to live your life…and it certainly isn’t serving you any more than it is the marriages and families you are breaking up.  First off, if you are truly going after a man who is in a committed relationship, then even when you “get” him, you don’t “have” him.  If he’s going to cheat on “her,” he’s going to cheat on you...if he even leaves her...which they seldom do.  If you’re just going after him for the “hunt,” then pat yourself on the back that you “got” him and then celebrate your victory…alone?  How internally rewarding is that?  Either way you’re by yourself.  How does that help you? 

Taking The High Road: Revenge Is Seldom Worth It

It’s not at all uncommon for women (and people in general) to want to exact revenge on someone in their life who has “wronged” them.  If their husband had an affair, women often want to make him pay.  If they’re too scared of losing him as a result of their revenge or anger, they may try to make the “other woman” pay by calling her family up and informing them of the affair.  Some women may try to take every last penny they can get from their cheating spouse, make visiting the kids a near impossible feat or shout out from the rooftops what a louse this man is.  Revenge is often tempting in non-romantic relationships as well—in the workplace, between friends and among family members.

Countless people have revenge fantasies when they’ve been hurt, cheated or shamed.  The pain is often so intense that people don’t know what to do.  Because a woman often has an intense feeling of injustice and humiliation, she may want the other person to feel the pain she feels.  Sometimes this desire can consume her every waking thought and lead her to do things she never thought she’d do.  In the moment, she is certain that revenge will help relieve the pain.

Unfortunately, exacting revenge is often bittersweet.  Getting revenge may feel good for a moment, but that feeling seldom lasts.  When we try to hurt someone as they hurt us, we stoop to their level.  In our effort to get back at them, we end up hurting ourselves.  The “perpetrator” then ends up taking up more of our time and attention than they deserve.  Lowering our sense of integrity just to get even ends up chipping away a little part of us.  When we allow someone’s behavior to lead us to do something that we wouldn’t normally do, we give him or her too much power.  Why give them that power?

Lessons to Learn From the Fall of Three Powerful Men

Too many women are wooed by money, fame and power.  Add a man to any of these and they serve as an almost irresistable aphrodisiac to countless women.  What is going on with so many women when it comes to men?  It seems that men, money, fame and power leave far too many women blinded.  In some cases, women are blinded by men period.  What is up?

There are several lessons to learn from the recent falls of these powerful men and I pray that women reading this truly take these lessons to heart.
1.    Respect yourself.  If you don’t have enough self-respect to see yourself as an equal to any man—and yes these men as well—then no man will treat you as an equal.  Don’t try to dress provocatively to get a man’s attention—it cheapens you.  Don’t tell him what you think he wants to hear—you will lose yourself. And, don’t sleep with him in order to keep him—he’s a louse if he would leave because you wouldn’t sleep with him. If having a man in your life is your goal, trust me you are aiming far too low.
2.    If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck and walks like a duck…it’s a duck.  These men and many more like them, had glaring red flags regarding their treatment of women.  Several women came forward over the years stating that Arnold sexually assaulted, groped or sexually harassed them.  Dominic Strauss-Kahn was known for his “womanizing” which is the least of his offenses.  Weiner reports, "My wife has known about some of these online relationships since before we were married".  Dare to see what’s right in front of you and don’t try to dress it up to be something different—it’s not.
3.    You will not change him.  Women start relationships with men who are known “players”, flirts, partiers etc., thinking they will be the one to change him.  This is crazy thinking.  For one thing why in the world would you want to be with a guy who has a history of playing women, getting drunk all the time or flirting with your friends? Women—listen up:  The men are showing and telling you who they are as men from the moment you first meet them.  Often they do this with a figurative gigantic neon sign—open your eyes and read it, don’t try to find the white out and change it.
4.    Respect other women. Don’t be so desperate for the attention of men that you go after another woman’s partner.  Please, if he’s willing to cheat on his girlfriend or wife you better know that he’d be willing to cheat on you as well. If he likes you that much then he wouldn’t be sneaking around with you…even if you were his housekeeper. Never allow yourself to be with another woman’s husband/paramour—you deserve better than that and so does she.

Women are pivotal to the process of change in our world. One vital change we need is for the treatment of women to be more respectful, less sexualized and less violent.  This shift can only happen when we, as women first and foremost respect ourselves.  

Challenge: Have the courage to learn from the fall of these three men: respect yourself, don’t wear blinders, respect other women and don’t think you can change a man.

NOTE: For another perspective on this read http://tinyurl.com/5t9z8qv from my Straight Talk 4 Women blog

Women - It’s Time to Step Up and Stop Accepting Toxic Relationships

Below is a post from my new blog http://lmerlobooth.typepad.com/straight_talk_4_women/ Enjoy!

I hear story after tragic story of women in relationships with men who ignore them, cheat  on them, yell at them, belittle them and even hit them.  Again and again these women excuse the men’s behaviors because he’s stressed or sick or had a tough upbringing or got laid off or was hurt by something she said, or he hates women because of his mother or…  Ugh.  STOP THE EXCUSES---PLEASE!!!!  There is NO excuse for poor treatment.  Period.

The woman responds to poor treatment by trying to get the man to see how hurtful he’s being.  She begs, pleads and demands that he treat her better.  She hopes, dreams and wishes that he’d treat her better.  She silences, accommodates, placates and enables, in the hopes that he’ll see the error of his ways and change.  She continues to use one, two or all of these approaches again and again and again, hoping that some day, they will magically work.  They never magically work.  She continues endlessly to try to change him. 

Women stay in these relationships, allowing their spirits to get chipped away on a daily basis.  These are not relationships with minor bumps in the road.  These are not average relationships with occasional struggles.  These women stay in relationships that are emotionally toxic.  Relationships where their thoughts and feelings are constantly minimized, dismissed and treated as silly, insignificant, stupid.  These relationships are toxic to women, families and our world.

Women will forever be in these types of relationships if they don’t stop trying to change this kind of treatment.  As long as women continue to plead, demand, cry, etc. in the hope of changing him, they will be stuck in the same miserable relationships their entire lives.

Stop it and step up. 

The only way to change these relationships is to take your eyes off him and get them on you.  Pay attention to the thousands of ways you teach him that the ways he treats you are okay.  Get conscious of all the mixed messages, watered down messages and empty threats you send.  Pay attention to YOU.  The way you change your relationships is by changing how YOU are in them. 

The way you change verbal abuse is by not taking verbal abuse.  The way you stop physical violence is by not taking physical violence.  The way you stop his belittling, affairs, selfishness…is by not taking it.  You must be willing to put your relationship on the line.  Often the only way to save a relationship is to be willing to lose it.  Are you willing to walk away from toxic treatment if it does not stop?  Until you are…it will not stop.

Too many women are desperate to keep their man or their family together, yet not desperate enough to make sure it’s a healthy relationship.  Keeping a toxic family together is toxic.  It is not helpful for children, men or women.  If women want to have an intact family, than they need to fight to make that family a healthy one.  Children live what they know and they know what they live.  Make sure what they’re living is what you want them to repeat.  Trust me, they will repeat it.

Challenge: If you’re in a toxic relationship, stop looking at your partner and pay attention to all the ways you are allowing the toxicity to continue.  Do your own work to get stronger and more grounded.  If there’s addiction—get into Alanon or AA.  If there’s abuse—contact Women’s Protective Services.   If there’s disrespect, contempt, and coldness—get into couples therapy as well as individual therapy.  You and your family are worth the effort. 

What’s Up With The Sex? Are The Days Of Monogamy Gone?

I recently was reading an article from today.com about a dating site for cheaters (http://tinyurl.com/4gp944u) and was struck by how sickened I felt reading it.  What was so sad, to me, were the stories about the people who are newly married, recently engaged or married for years with adoring children.  Apparently, people sign up on the site for the sole purpose of cheating.  The author went undercover to discern what type of person would be on this site.

A common excuse given for being on this site is either boredom or simply wanting sex.  There were men who had only been married two years, others who were engaged and another who said his wife was perfect, but he would cheat on anyone he was with. 

All I can say to this is:  If you have to lie, cheat and pretend you’re someone else in order to enjoy life—you have deeper issues than you may realize.  Constantly looking for your next “hit” is a losing game.  Regardless of whether or not that hit is alcohol, drugs, gambling, sex or the allure of sneaking around—your need to constantly have something distracting or exciting you is a problem.  When someone isn’t able to just be, they end up like a rat on a wheel -- constantly moving, yet going nowhere. 

The Fallout Of Affairs: Think Before You Leap

Many people do not purposefully leap into an affair. Typically they start as innocent conversations, cups of coffee or lunches with a friend or co-worker.  Seldom are they a well thought out plan for deception.

Unfortunately, the impact is the same regardless of whether they were planned or not.  And the fallout is often way beyond what people expect.

Before you jump into an affair take a moment to think about the implications of that choice to you as well as to those around you.  The reality is that affairs rock marriages.  In fact, affairs actually destroy many marriages.  Below are some of the almost universal effects of affairs…the ripple effect, let’s say, of affairs:

1.    Affairs break the trust in relationships.  This mistrust does not come back simply by ending an affair.  Mistrust becomes a new entity in the relationship and typically lasts for years. If the partner who had the affair doesn’t address the mistrust in an honest, forthright and compassionate way, the mistrust is likely to remain in the relationship throughout its duration.
2.    Affairs have a tendency of being passed down from generation to generation.  Your children are likely to also struggle with affairs in their life (either their own or their partner’s).  This is such a powerful phenomenon that at times it can be shocking.  I’ve worked with several couples impacted by an affair who reported that there were no affairs in their parent’s marriage only to later find out that when they asked, there were indeed affairs.  Their parents just tried to keep them a secret from the kids.
3.    Affairs take 3-5 years to overcome…under the best of circumstances.  This does not mean you are doomed for 3-5 years of the kind of intensity prevalent in the first year; however, the affair takes up a lot of space for a long time.

What’s Up With The Sex? Pay Attention To Why You’re Doing What You’re Doing…And With Whom You’re Doing It With

In the world of relationship coaching and therapy, it’s fascinating how things seem to come in waves.  The issue of the month may cycle from rage in men to rage in women to affairs to passive-aggression to dead marriages.  Before I know it, I have several different couples dealing with the same issue...until the next wave of couples comes along.
 
The apparent new wave has to do with sex.  Not just any kind of sex, though, it’s sex with multiple partners -- swinging, threesomes, open marriages and the like.  I’m sure many people take some kind of stand -- for or against -- this kind of sex.   However, I have really tried to be open enough to hear couples out and not just assume the worst.  In fact, I’ve even gone out of my way to try to see it as another alternative for keeping things alive in a marriage.  To no avail…
 
I’ve heard the arguments that humans aren’t meant to be monogamous, that people are too stifled regarding their sexuality, that anything goes with two consenting adults, etc.  Here’s the thing though…I have yet to find a happily married couple with a great relationship, invite a third party into their bed.  I have also yet to find a couple who was swinging or the like, where one partner wasn’t more into it than the other—or where jealousy didn’t come into play somewhere down the line.

10 Ways To Earn Trust In Your Relationship

Mistrust is a common problem in many relationships for many reasons: affairs, lies, jealousy, poor behavior etc.  Once mistrust is present, it’s very difficult to get trust back.  Without trust, many relationships won’t make it. 

If you would like to earn back your partner’s trust, make sure you’re doing all the things below on a daily basis over a long period of time (several months minimum).  Be certain that you are doing these things with a good heart and not from a place of resentment.

1.    Be where you say you’re going to be.  Don’t avoid a difficult conversation by omitting one of your stops on your journey.  
2.    Be on time or call well advance if you will be late.  Even those times when you’re late make sure it’s reasonable.  Coming home at 3am from a party your partner was nervous about in the first place is not reasonable.
3.    Be moderate with your reactions.  If every time something happens you freak out, then your loved ones will avoid being honest out of fear of what you’ll do.  Chill out, stay centered and don’t over-react.
4.    Answer questions without being defensive.  If you’ve been caught in lies before, this one is especially important.  Just answer the question asked without attacking the person asking it.
5.    Have nothing to hide.  If you have nothing to hide, don’t act like you do.  Allow your partner access to your phone, e-mail or whatever if you’ve broken trust.   This won’t be necessary forever but is necessary after affairs.

Sexual Promiscuity and Its Ramifications in Relationships

  

One man has been having an affair for several months.  When his wife questioned him, he admitted to the affair and told her there was nothing she could do about it.  He subsequently went away every weekend with his mistress with no shame or remorse.  Upon his return home after each weekend, he would frequently speak to his lover on the phone in front of his children.  Obviously his children soon began to question him.  When asked what he thought the impact of his behavior was on his children, he said he was certain “they would get over it and be fine.” 

Another couple has been swinging for the past two years and is upset that their children found out.  The children are repulsed and not speaking to either of their parents.  While still a third couple has been swapping partners with their close friends on Saturday nights.  Shockingly (sarcasm here) the husband found out his wife and best friend have been having an affair outside of the Saturday “swaps”. 

I could go on with endless stories, but you get the picture.  Couples are becoming more and more promiscuous with little remorse.  In fact, many swingers, cheaters and porn addicts are justifying their positions.  Some people say humans aren’t meant to be monogamous, several say they’re unhappy in their marriages and they deserve to be happy, others say they have a high need for sex and on and on.