Straight Talk On Relationships

RELATIONSHIPS AND ANGER: WHEN IS IT OKAY TO YELL OR SPEAK HARSHLY?

At times I’m taken aback by how many people -- men and women alike -- believe that it’s okay to speak harshly or yell at others in anger.  I’ve even had clients call me “one of those frickin’ feminists” when I stated it wasn’t okay to swear at their wives.  Sadly, they are not alone in this belief.

Many men and women believe that yelling, swearing and/or speaking severely to their child, co-worker, lover or spouse is a part of relationships.  They believe that harsh speaking is warranted at times and often understandable. 

While they justify their callousness, the people caught in their cross-fire cringe.  

VENTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS: IF YOU SAY IT, YOU MEAN IT...and it hurts

I'm shocked by how many people believe thier words are inconsequential when said in anger.  Throughout the years I've heard a myriad of excuses for people's hurtful words.  Here are some of the more common ones:

• It was no big deal, she know's I say things when I get mad.

• Give me break, I can't swear when I get mad?  Everyone swears.

• It wasn't that bad, she's just sensitive.

• He deserved it.  If he didn't do what he did then I wouldn't have been so angry.

• I didn't mean what I said, I was just angry.

Regardless of what your reason, saying hurtful things in anger is...hurtful.  It's hurtful to the person your speaking to, it's hurtful to your relationship, and it's hurtful to those in the vicinity who have to listen to it. 

ACTION VERSUS REACTION IN RELATIONSHIPS: Where is that pause button???

If you struggle with staying calm in times of upset, chances are you have a problem with reactivity.  If you find yourself frequently yelling, complaining, getting triggered about big things, small things, and even things that don’t have to do with you…chances are you struggle with reactivity.  If this continues, it’s likely to harm your health and your relationships.

 

Most people who are highly reactive blame their actions on the behavior of others and seldom think their reactivity is the problem.  They often justify their intensity because of the stupidity, irresponsibility, or thoughtless behavior of those around them.  They react, they believe, because others almost make them react.

 

The reality however, is they’re all highly reactive people.  People who’re highly reactive get annoyed fairly easily and respond to this annoyance or anger with intensity and no thought.  The repetitive thoughtless reaction creates significant problems in their relationships.

 

EMOTIONAL ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS: WHAT IS IT AND WHY IS IT A SHOW STOPPER?

Over the years I’ve heard many excuses for partners treating each other in emotionally abusive ways.  When I say emotionally abusive, what I mean is: calling your partner names, swearing at him/her, yelling or screaming at your partner, belittling him/her, harshly criticizing him/her, saying hurtful things because you are angry, and threatening your partner in any way. 

Any and all of the above constitutes poor treatment.  Any and all of the above is disrespectful every time and for any reason.  There is no justification, rationalization, or excuse for treating your partner in this way… period.  This is true whether you are a man or a woman.

That said, it does not mean that we are all perfect and will not have our moments.  We are human and will make mistakes.  There’s a difference however between making a mistake and owning it, versus justifying that mistake and blaming the other person for it.

ARE YOU FUELING YOUR PARTNER’S ANGER BY RUNNING FROM IT?

• Stacey’s son throws a temper tantrum every time he doesn’t get his way.  Stacey responds by trying her best to placate her son and settle him down. 

She teaches her son that his tantrums work.

• Steve’s wife often gets so angry and reactive when she doesn’t like something he’s doing that he just clams up and does what she tells him.   

He teaches his wife that her anger and reactivity work. 

• Laura hates it when her husband gets angry and short with her.  He becomes demanding and she gives him what he wants to avoid an escalation. 

She teaches him that his anger and entitlement work. 

Many couples struggle with anger issues.  Typically one partner is quick to anger while the other partner is quick to duck and give in.  When I speak about the importance of not fueling the flame of their partner’s anger, the ducking partner often responds by saying they walk on eggshells to insure they don’t fuel any more anger from their partner.  My response: “Walking on eggshells is like lighting a match to their partner’s anger.”   

STAYING AND WORKING THROUGH RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTIES: If you choose to stay in a relationship, then do so with a good spirit.

John agreed to stay in the marriage after his wife had an affair seven years ago. She was remorseful, apologized repeatedly, and went to great lengths to repair the damage she’d done. John has tried to make her pay ever since.

Susan agreed to stay in her marriage after her husband was verbally abusive for years. He sought treatment for his anger, significantly calmed down, and did everything in his power to repair the damage he’d done; Susan has tried to make him pay ever since.

There are a hundred similar scenarios to the ones above where one partner harms the relationship in some way or another and the other partner makes him/her pay for the rest of the marriage for that damage.

Here’s a wake up call to those of you who have been making your partner pay for mistakes they made years ago: Stop it. Either step into the relationship or step out of it, but don’t, for a moment, believe that you have the right to make your partner pay for his/her mistakes from now until eternity; you don’t have that right. Frankly, it’s abusive.

ANGER AND EMOTIONS IN RELATIONSHIPS

I was just reading a blog about anger management. The blog is: http://www.daybreakservices.com/blog/
For those of you who struggle with anger, you may want to check this blog out. It has a lot of helpful tips to help control your anger and the writing is short and succinct.

Speaking about anger, there seems to be a common belief that anger is bad. I hear people say they know they shouldn’t be angry but they can’t help it, or they know anger is bad but…

First off, anger is a healthy emotion; in fact, all emotions are healthy. The fact that we can feel such a large range of emotions just means we’re human. No one emotion is right or wrong, it just is. The same is true for anger. It’s not “bad” to feel angry, it just is. It’s an emotional state that we all experience at some time or other--not good, not bad, not right, not wrong.

REVENGE AND RELATIONSHIPS; A DANGEROUS MIX

Revenge can be a very powerful emotion that leads people to do extreme things. Wars have been started, lovers have been killed, affairs have been had, and relationships have been destroyed—all in the name of revenge.

Revenge can take many forms including:
• Treating your partner poorly and justifying this behavior because s/he treated you poorly for years.
• Having an affair because your partner had one also or because your partner doesn’t pay attention to you anyway.
• Harming your partner or his/her lover either physically or emotionally due to an affair.
• Giving your partner the cold shoulder because s/he doesn’t share enough or is distant.
• Going to a cut-throat attorney for the divorce (in order to make your partner regret s/he was even thinking about a divorce!).
• Being determined to keep the children away from your partner, not because s/he is a danger, but because you are making your parent pay for what s/he has done to you

The funny thing about revenge is that, in the moment, it often feels powerful, justified, and satisfying. These feelings however, soon turn into regret, sadness, shame, and guilt. Unfortunately, by this time the pieces have already been shattered and the damage has been done. The revenge is bitter sweet.

ANGER IN RELATIONSHIPS: IS ANGER ALWAYS BAD?

A common misconception about anger is: anger’s always bad. It’s important to realize that anger in itself is a healthy emotion. It’s not good, bad, or otherwise, it just is. What gives anger a bad wrap however, is how it often gets expressed.

Like many other things in life, anger needs an outlet…and a container. Anger without an outlet remains unspoken and unspoken anger often turns into resentment. Anger without a container often becomes abuse and leads to relationship, emotional, career, and at times, even legal problems. Neither outcome is very positive and both the lack of expression and the over expression of anger has serious repercussions in relationships.

One problem, as I see it, is too many people have no idea what healthy anger looks like—so let me help. A healthy expression of anger is firm (a strong tone of voice yet not yelling or contemptuous), respectful (spoken using “I” statements, no swearing, name calling, or shaming), and clear (there is a targeted issue/problem that is the focus of the anger rather than an unending barrage of words and events that occurred years ago).

An example of healthy anger may sound like: “I’m very angry at how you spoke to our son. It is not okay with me for you to call him stupid or any other name for that matter. If that happens again, I will step in and remove him from your presence.”

An unhealthy expression of this same issue may sound like: “You are a son of a b*tch!! Who the hell do you think you are speaking to our son like that?! I’ll divorce you in a minute if you ever do that again!”

ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS: LISA"S REPLY

I received a comment on my post titled “Abusive Relationships” and thought it might be helpful for people who might be involved in an abusive relationship to read. So here's the comment and below is my response.

Anonymous wrote: I’m in an abusive relationship and every time I try to get out I always end up going back because something in my head tells me that I need him and that I love him.  I don’t know what to do. I can’t make myself stop loving him. I don’t even know why I love him. He physically and mentally abuses me almost every day but still I can’t find it in my heart to stop loving this dude. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I can’t even help myself so there’s no way any one else can and I don’t believe that I have a role in what’s taking place.

LISA'S REPLY: Let me start by saying you are not alone. There are many women who find themselves in a very similar situation as you. They continue to return to the abusive perpetrator again and again and struggle to figure out why. Thank you for sharing your story; I'm hopeful that it will help others in their journey.

You state that you can't make yourself stop loving him; I question if you really love him or if you are love-addicted to him. Love-addiction is not love; it is an unhealthy dependency that works very much the same way as drug or alcohol addiction. You are fine as long as he's in your life and you have your fix; however, if you don't have that drug then you are in a crash. If this sounds at all familiar to you I suggest you read Pia Mellody's book Facing Love Addiction.

Regardless of whether you love him or not, you do have control over whether you allow yourself to be abused by him. The only one who can protect yourself is you. You have no control over your boyfriend; however, you have total control of yourself. You decide if you stay, go, or plead for him to stop (which he won't do, by the way, just because you plead). You deserve to be treated with respect. You have the right to be loved, not beaten, and you are the only one who can enforce this right and stand up for yourself.

Where you get stuck, I'm assuming, is that you believe if you take a stand against the abuse that you will lose him. The truth is--you may. What you don't realize, however, is when you allow your fear to stop you from protecting yourself, you are putting yourself in further danger. Chances are slim to none that he will stop abusing you without significant consequences--either by you--or by outside systems (i.e., police, job, friends). Every time you go back to him after he beats you, you teach him that it's okay.

You also teach yourself that you are not worthy of protection. This is a lie--you are absolutely worthy of protection and I'm sorry no one ever taught this to you.