Straight Talk On Relationships

RAGE IN MCDONALDS DUE TO MISTAKEN ORDER: Are You Out of Control and Over-reactive? Rage and Relationships Don't Mix

•    In Quincy, Massachusetts a couple throws coins and cones at a McDonald’s cashier when they’re given an order of small fries instead of large fries. 

•    NORWELL — Authorities say a couple, upset over the slowness of their Kentucky Fried Chicken order, assaulted a man who asked them to stop yelling profanities for the sake of children in line. (Boston Herald.com)

What is going on?  If you cannot control your anger when something as minor as a mistaken or slow order happens, you need help.  I totally understand the frustration of waiting. I also get the let down and annoyance of someone giving you a totally wrong order.  What is not okay, however, is allowing these annoyances to send you into a rage.

Becoming verbally or physically abusive in response to minor irritations such as those above is a huge red flag that you need help.  If you cannot contain yourself in public, then your anger is out of control.  Seek help—for your sake and the sake of those around you. 

IS OUR ANGER GETTING OUT OF CONTROL OR IS IT JUST BECOMING AN ACCEPTABLE RESPONSE TO UNACCEPTABLE BEHAVIORS? What the actions of Serena Williams, Kanye West, Congressman Wilson and even President Obama say about our culture.

Serena Williams berates a line judge for a bad call, saying, "I'm going to shove this ball down your f------ throat" (among other things).  Kanye West jumps on stage and grabs the microphone out of Taylor Swift’s hands, claiming the award should’ve gone to Beyonce.  Congressman Joe Wilson breaches congressional protocol by shouting, “You lie,” directly to President Obama on the floor of the House of Representatives.  President Obama calls Kanye West a jackass because of his obnoxious behavior at the VMA awards.  What is going on?  Since when is it okay to do, say or act any way we want because we don’t like a situation, person or behavior? 

What is prevalent in the media is rampant in relationships.  Our culture seems to be sending a loud and dangerous message that retaliation is okay.  It’s as though the mean, obnoxious, unfair behaviors of others are a green light for our own.  What happened to civility, grace, respect and self-control?   

Serena was abusive, threatening and toxic to every person in that stadium that day.  She totally lost it.  At one point she started to walk back to the service line, changed her mind…and went back to continue her rant.  The justification for this rant (in her eyes) was a bad call at the US Open.  While I understand that is terribly frustrating and can affect the match, threatening a line judge because of a perceived bad call is not justified—it’s offensive.

RELATIONSHIPS AND ANGER: WHEN IS IT OKAY TO YELL OR SPEAK HARSHLY?

At times I’m taken aback by how many people -- men and women alike -- believe that it’s okay to speak harshly or yell at others in anger.  I’ve even had clients call me “one of those frickin’ feminists” when I stated it wasn’t okay to swear at their wives.  Sadly, they are not alone in this belief.

Many men and women believe that yelling, swearing and/or speaking severely to their child, co-worker, lover or spouse is a part of relationships.  They believe that harsh speaking is warranted at times and often understandable. 

While they justify their callousness, the people caught in their cross-fire cringe.  

VENTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS: IF YOU SAY IT, YOU MEAN IT...and it hurts

I'm shocked by how many people believe thier words are inconsequential when said in anger.  Throughout the years I've heard a myriad of excuses for people's hurtful words.  Here are some of the more common ones:

• It was no big deal, she know's I say things when I get mad.

• Give me break, I can't swear when I get mad?  Everyone swears.

• It wasn't that bad, she's just sensitive.

• He deserved it.  If he didn't do what he did then I wouldn't have been so angry.

• I didn't mean what I said, I was just angry.

Regardless of what your reason, saying hurtful things in anger is...hurtful.  It's hurtful to the person your speaking to, it's hurtful to your relationship, and it's hurtful to those in the vicinity who have to listen to it. 

ACTION VERSUS REACTION IN RELATIONSHIPS: Where is that pause button???

If you struggle with staying calm in times of upset, chances are you have a problem with reactivity.  If you find yourself frequently yelling, complaining, getting triggered about big things, small things, and even things that don’t have to do with you…chances are you struggle with reactivity.  If this continues, it’s likely to harm your health and your relationships.

 

Most people who are highly reactive blame their actions on the behavior of others and seldom think their reactivity is the problem.  They often justify their intensity because of the stupidity, irresponsibility, or thoughtless behavior of those around them.  They react, they believe, because others almost make them react.

 

The reality however, is they’re all highly reactive people.  People who’re highly reactive get annoyed fairly easily and respond to this annoyance or anger with intensity and no thought.  The repetitive thoughtless reaction creates significant problems in their relationships.

 

EMOTIONAL ABUSE IN RELATIONSHIPS: WHAT IS IT AND WHY IS IT A SHOW STOPPER?

Over the years I’ve heard many excuses for partners treating each other in emotionally abusive ways.  When I say emotionally abusive, what I mean is: calling your partner names, swearing at him/her, yelling or screaming at your partner, belittling him/her, harshly criticizing him/her, saying hurtful things because you are angry, and threatening your partner in any way. 

Any and all of the above constitutes poor treatment.  Any and all of the above is disrespectful every time and for any reason.  There is no justification, rationalization, or excuse for treating your partner in this way… period.  This is true whether you are a man or a woman.

That said, it does not mean that we are all perfect and will not have our moments.  We are human and will make mistakes.  There’s a difference however between making a mistake and owning it, versus justifying that mistake and blaming the other person for it.

ARE YOU FUELING YOUR PARTNER’S ANGER BY RUNNING FROM IT?

• Stacey’s son throws a temper tantrum every time he doesn’t get his way.  Stacey responds by trying her best to placate her son and settle him down. 

She teaches her son that his tantrums work.

• Steve’s wife often gets so angry and reactive when she doesn’t like something he’s doing that he just clams up and does what she tells him.   

He teaches his wife that her anger and reactivity work. 

• Laura hates it when her husband gets angry and short with her.  He becomes demanding and she gives him what he wants to avoid an escalation. 

She teaches him that his anger and entitlement work. 

Many couples struggle with anger issues.  Typically one partner is quick to anger while the other partner is quick to duck and give in.  When I speak about the importance of not fueling the flame of their partner’s anger, the ducking partner often responds by saying they walk on eggshells to insure they don’t fuel any more anger from their partner.  My response: “Walking on eggshells is like lighting a match to their partner’s anger.”   

STAYING AND WORKING THROUGH RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTIES: If you choose to stay in a relationship, then do so with a good spirit.

John agreed to stay in the marriage after his wife had an affair seven years ago. She was remorseful, apologized repeatedly, and went to great lengths to repair the damage she’d done. John has tried to make her pay ever since.

Susan agreed to stay in her marriage after her husband was verbally abusive for years. He sought treatment for his anger, significantly calmed down, and did everything in his power to repair the damage he’d done; Susan has tried to make him pay ever since.

There are a hundred similar scenarios to the ones above where one partner harms the relationship in some way or another and the other partner makes him/her pay for the rest of the marriage for that damage.

Here’s a wake up call to those of you who have been making your partner pay for mistakes they made years ago: Stop it. Either step into the relationship or step out of it, but don’t, for a moment, believe that you have the right to make your partner pay for his/her mistakes from now until eternity; you don’t have that right. Frankly, it’s abusive.

ANGER AND EMOTIONS IN RELATIONSHIPS

I was just reading a blog about anger management. The blog is: http://www.daybreakservices.com/blog/
For those of you who struggle with anger, you may want to check this blog out. It has a lot of helpful tips to help control your anger and the writing is short and succinct.

Speaking about anger, there seems to be a common belief that anger is bad. I hear people say they know they shouldn’t be angry but they can’t help it, or they know anger is bad but…

First off, anger is a healthy emotion; in fact, all emotions are healthy. The fact that we can feel such a large range of emotions just means we’re human. No one emotion is right or wrong, it just is. The same is true for anger. It’s not “bad” to feel angry, it just is. It’s an emotional state that we all experience at some time or other--not good, not bad, not right, not wrong.

REVENGE AND RELATIONSHIPS; A DANGEROUS MIX

Revenge can be a very powerful emotion that leads people to do extreme things. Wars have been started, lovers have been killed, affairs have been had, and relationships have been destroyed—all in the name of revenge.

Revenge can take many forms including:
• Treating your partner poorly and justifying this behavior because s/he treated you poorly for years.
• Having an affair because your partner had one also or because your partner doesn’t pay attention to you anyway.
• Harming your partner or his/her lover either physically or emotionally due to an affair.
• Giving your partner the cold shoulder because s/he doesn’t share enough or is distant.
• Going to a cut-throat attorney for the divorce (in order to make your partner regret s/he was even thinking about a divorce!).
• Being determined to keep the children away from your partner, not because s/he is a danger, but because you are making your parent pay for what s/he has done to you

The funny thing about revenge is that, in the moment, it often feels powerful, justified, and satisfying. These feelings however, soon turn into regret, sadness, shame, and guilt. Unfortunately, by this time the pieces have already been shattered and the damage has been done. The revenge is bitter sweet.