Straight Talk On Relationships

SELF-CONFIDENCE IN RELATIONSHIPS: ARE YOU THROWING YOURSELF UNDER THE BUS TO HELP OTHERS FEEL BETTER?

Your playing small does not serve the world.  There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you.
Mariann Williamson

Time and time again I hear people minimizing their accomplishments, down playing their successes or magnifying their faults in an effort to avoid the possibility that those around them will feel bad.  I see this process especially  with women.  We tell ourselves that we shouldn’t brag, rub our successes in or make the other person feel bad by talking about the things going well for us.  What we don’t realize is we can’t make other people feel anything.  If someone feels jealous because of something I have, something I accomplished or one of my successes, that’s about them—it’s not about me.  And—it’s not being a good friend.

The other day I had a most refreshing conversations with a friend.  It was also an odd conversation, since the dynamic that happened happens so seldom with women.  At the beginning of the conversation I was sharing about various stresses going on in my life and doing my fair share of whining.  I then asked about how things were going with her and she proceeded to tell me all the wonderful things that were happening for her.  She was talking about what a good place she was in, how her children were settling in well and how fortunate she was feeling in all aspects of her life.  It was inspiring on many levels.

THE SPIRITUAL PRACTICE OF CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Pia Mellody and Terry Real often state that creating healthy relationships is a spiritual practice. Pia says that love is about living more in truth than in lies. Terry will say that being relational is about living a non-violent life in your actions and in between your ears. Put them both together and it’s truly a difficult walk.

It’s also life altering when you begin to not only embrace this, but live it.

If I’m living more in truth than in lies, I’m sharing what is true for me—even when I know it may not be what my partner wants to hear. If I’m also practicing the spiritual aspect of being relational, then I’m sharing my truth in a loving, relational way. My truth is not a weapon, it’s a gift. I share it because it’s my truth; I don’t censor myself out of fear of conflict, not feeling worthy enough, or because I want to be nice. When I share it from a centered place, it is an opportunity for growth for both me and my partner.

Living a non-violent life in my actions and between my ears is a moment to moment practice that requires extreme relational muscles. It’s also an amazing relational gift to my partner, friends, children, and the world at large. This requires that I stop judging, retaliating, and being contemptuous towards others—at all times. Wow, what a feat that is. Talk about a spiritual practice! Even when someone is acting in a way that I believe deserves contempt, judgment and/or retaliation, I simply choose to turn the other cheek, so to speak.

ARE YOU HONEST IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS? IS DISHONESTY REALLY THAT HARMFUL?

People lie to one another all the time in relationships. One partner has an affair and swears up and down that nothing is going on. Another person promises that s/he quit smoking weeks ago, then their partner finds they have been sneaking cigarettes daily. Johnny tells Susan he doesn’t smoke pot anymore; when Susan leaves the house he gets high with a friend. Steve swears to Jodi that he hasn’t looked at porn in months; the next day she catches him on a porn site.

There are many different ways to lie: blatant lies, subtle lies of omission, (don’t ask, don’t tell, “What happens in Vegas, stays in Vegas”), “tricky truths,” half truths, mis-representations, and on and on. Our culture feeds on lies. Our highest officials blatantly lie to us all the time: (“Read my lips—I will not raise taxes,” “I did not have sex with that woman,” “There are weapons of mass destruction…”). The lies are endless and happen all the time to all kinds of people.

Each example, I have no doubt, would have a different explanation for the lie. One lie is to protect a spouse from pain, another is to protect a country from terrorism, another is to protect a person from losing his job and his family from losing his income, and another is to protect someone perhaps from a hate crime. All are lies, no matter how we explain them.

So why do we tell them?

The lies are unending in part because as long as nobody ever finds out about it, there’s no problem. You see, the seductive thing about lies is they can keep people out of trouble. Lies can hold off a fight, reduce the level of anger and disappointment between partners, protect someone’s feelings, stave off intense pain, stop a conflict, save a job, and can even, on occasion, save marriages--if they’re never found out.

SO MANY RESENTMENTS, SO FEW WORDS: Healthy relationships require authentic conversations

Have you ever watched your partner do something fairly benign and found yourself snapping at them for it? Perhaps you woke up one day being utterly annoyed by the one characteristic that you used to love about your partner. What happened?

When I have couples in my office, I can easily see what’s not being said. As much as I’d like to say this is an amazing gift I have, it’s not. People are often just incredibly obvious about what they’re thinking--even if they don’t verbally share it.

Typically any of the following are signs that something is not being said that needs to be:
• One partner rolling his/her eyes while the other partner is relaying a story.
• A heavy sigh from one partner.
• A staring off into space while one partner is speaking.
• A reddening of the face, clenching of fists, or otherwise tightening of the body.
• An empty promise that is said in an effort to shut down the conversation and move on to less uncomfortable topics.
• A short, snappy reply or comment that seems to come out of nowhere.

There are many reasons we choose to not deal with issues head on, including: trying to avoid a conflict, believing our partner won’t listen anyway, not knowing exactly what it is that’s bothering us, being too tired, not trusting that it will help, wanting to be nice, etc. The list could go on and on, but hopefully you get the picture. The bottom line is we tell our partner in many ways that we’re annoyed with him/her, however seldom do we do this directly.

ME AND MY "SHADOW"

Okay so I have realized that one of my “shadows” as Debbie Ford calls them, is being irresponsible. Yes, I know it sounds horrible and I’m not proud of it, however it’s true. I struggle with sending thank-you cards, birthday cards, calling people back in a timely manner and many other things I’m sure. Responding to RSVP invites is another disaster all together…

Since I have been able to truly “own” this less than attractive side of myself, I have found it quite interesting to hear people’s responses to my new insight. My coach tried to reframe it as perhaps being overwhelmed; I quickly replied that although I was quite busy, I truly could be irresponsible. He struggled a bit with this. My friends then tried to say I was tired and worked hard so it made sense that the last thing I wanted to do was write a thank-you card or the like. I said, “No, pretty much it’s just me being irresponsible.” They were a bit stymied, similar to my coach, with this response. Another friend tried to show me proof that I really wasn’t irresponsible by pointing out all the ways that I am responsible.

BRINGING HONESTY INTO YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

Several years ago I began paying attention to all the things I did not say to people. I watched as I silenced myself, lied, rationalized, spoke half-truths or told the truth in such a “nice” way that I wasn’t even sure any more what “truth” I was trying to speak.

I then began to watch other people do the same thing. It was fascinating. I watched women tell one friend they weren’t feeling well enough to go out - only to find they went out with a different friend. I saw men telling women they would call when they had no intention whatsoever to call. I saw parents lying to their children because they didn’t think their children should hear the truth. I saw husbands lying to wives about what time they would be home and wives lying to husbands about whether they were mad or not.

The list goes on and on and I’m sure you can come up with your own lists, however what struck me during this time was how unreal we, as a culture, have become. We have become so skilled at not telling the truth about what we are seeing, thinking, feeling, or doing, that much of the time we don’t even realize when we lie, omit, or misrepresent ourselves.

We can not have real, authentic, intimate relationships, if we are not real and authentic. We have to begin to step out, begin to take risks, and begin to be honest if we want to have truly intimate relationships in our lives. If we are bothered by something someone does, we need to speak it. If we are angry, we need to acknowledge that we are angry and stop trying to pretend we are not. If we made a bad decision, we need to face the consequences of that decision. Our relationships will never become intimate if we do not share ourselves in an intimate way by allowing ourselves to be vulnerable, speak honestly and handle what happens as a result.

Challenge: Bring honesty into your relationship. Tell your partner how you feel, answer their questions honestly and commit to being more “real” in your relationships.

AUTHENTICITY AND INTIMACY

I am struck by how often women silence their voices under the guise of not wanting to “make waves,” “cause conflict” or be a “bitch.” So instead, they often tell people what they think the listeners want to hear to their face, and then either speak their true thoughts behind the person’s back or say nothing in an attempt to let it go.

I say “attempt” because thousands of unspoken words don’t simply go away -- they fester. In time they build into resentment, health problems, depression and the like. Rather than saving relationships, these unspoken words are the key parasites that destroy them.

Whether we are talking about partners, friends or co-workers, the idea that lying, sugar- coating or telling others what we think they want to hear is the best way to build relationships is a crazy idea. Although many people may disagree, I believe that being authentic not only doesn’t destroy intimacy -- it actually builds intimacy.

Challenge:
Pay attention to all the things you don’t say over the next couple weeks. Note what happened, what you thought, how you felt, what you did in response to your silencing yourself and why you chose to not speak. Finally, take a moment to think of how you could have spoken what you were thinking (…in a respectful and direct way of course).