Why Take The High Road?…And By The Way, What Is The High Road Exactly?

Across the world people struggle in difficult conversations, times of upset, painful discoveries etc.  When people become upset or angry they often want to lash out, seek revenge, shut down or explode.  Saying calm, cool and collected as the saying goes, is often the last thing humans want to do when hurt or upset.

Sometimes people lash out for the sole purpose of causing the other person pain so they “get” what it feels like to be hurt.  Other times the lashing out is simply a knee-jerk reaction.  Regardless, though, of why human beings lash out when hurt, I’m sure all of us can understand the pull to want to do so.  After all, who can’t understand the desire to yell, scream and rage at your spouse for having an affair with your best friend? I totally understand wanting to do that and more!

…And, I also know—that freaking out on a spouse because of an affair, or on a friend in response to them saying mean things, or to a co-worker for putting your job in jeopardy—is not going to serve you.  The last thing you want to do is make life harder for yourself by reacting in the extremes.  When you’re able to respond to life’s most difficult circumstances with grace, calm and strength, you will feel better and heal faster.  The bottom-line when it comes to handling life’s most difficult moments is to always remember to take the high road—even when those around you are behaving atrociously.

Below are five reasons to take the high road:
1.     When you respond to hurtful behavior by acting like a crazy person--people will see you as a crazy person.  When you respond with integrity—others begin to look at the other person as though they are the unhealthy one.
2.    When you freak out in response to someone else’s freak out—that person ignores your message and simply thinks, “You think I’m crazy—look at you.”  Your poor behavior gets in the way of them seeing their own poor behavior. 
3.    When you’re able to act with calm and integrity in the face of someone else’s hurtful behavior, it feels empowering, healthy and internally strong.
4.    When you can stay calm in the most difficult of moments, you avoid the “reactivity hangover”.  There’s no shame, self-hatred, regret or embarrassment about what you did.  You can hold your head high and feel good about you.
5.    When you stoop to the other person’s level you are off.  Take the high road knowing that the poor behavior of others is NOT a green light for your own poor behavior.

Taking the high road means to act with integrity at all times—not just the good times, happy times or respectful times.  Harming another physically, spiritually or emotionally is out of integrity—even in response to an affair, lies or manipulations.  Don’t stoop to some else’s level and claim your behavior is okay.  Stay respectful, set limits, take care of yourself and then decide how you’re going to intervene in such a way that you’re respectful of yourself and the humanity of the other person.  Avoid the awful feeling “reactivity hangover” and remember that although seeking revenge or going off on the person may feel great in the moment—that feeling seldom lasts forever.

Challenge:  If you’re struggling with someone else’s hurtful behavior, pull back, breathe, calm your heart rate down and dare to take the high road.  Refuse to act like an out of control raging person.  Settle yourself and respond with calm, strength and grace.  You will feel better for it and can hold your head high under the most difficult of circumstances.

What Are You Asking For? Is It Truly What You Want Or Is It What You Think You Will Get?

An interesting thing happens with countless women when it comes to asking for what they want.  Far too often they get stuck in the pattern of asking for what they think they’ll get rather than asking for what they truly want.  As you can imagine, this is creating a lot of struggles for far too many women. 

Here are a few examples of what I mean:
•    Susie says she would like to have a raise, but is certain her boss would say no.  She decides to wait until he brings the topic up and hopes he notices her hard work. 
•    Karen doesn’t want to sleep with the guy she’s dating until they have an agreement that each of them is exclusive.  She is highly doubtful that he would agree to that though, so she decides to stay quite, sleep with him and hope for the best. 
•    Janice wants to ask her 75-year-old father to stop calling her names when he gets angry.  She’s certain he’ll get angry at the request and won’t stop the name calling, so she decides to learn how to accept his anger. 

When women want something, we often filter our desire through the lens of whether or not we think we can or will get what we want.  If we think the other person would never give us what we really want to ask for, then we often change our request to something we think we have a better chance of getting.

“Be The Person You Wish To Be In A Relationship With” LMB

Many people have heard Ghandi’s famous quote, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”  This quote has influenced my work with individuals and couples a great deal.  The adaptation I’ve made to this quote in my practice is, “Be the person you wish to be in a relationship with.”  Too often people are so busy trying to change their partner’s behavior that they forget to look at their own.

In relationships -- at work, home or out in the world -- it behooves each of us to act as we wish others would act with us.  If we want to have relationships that are honest, cherishing and respectful, then we’re responsible for being honest, cherishing and respectful.  Sometimes, in our upset, we forget that we are still responsible for our actions.  Likewise, we can forget that our partner also deserves a caring, loving partner just as we do.  We can get so focused on what we want that we forget that we’re responsible for giving, too.  We are each responsible for asking for what we want and for giving what we wish to get.  Missing either aspect of this requirement will negatively impact our relationships.

This concept is true across the board in all of our relationships.  In parenting, if you don’t want your children to yell and be disrespectful to you, then don’t you yell and be disrespectful to them.  If at work, you want your co-workers to give you space to talk at meetings and honor your ideas, then you should give them room to speak and honor their ideas.  In romance, if you want your partner to share, talk respectfully and treat you with high regard, then you must do the same.  If you don’t have the desire, energy, or patience to behave with others as you are asking them to behave with you, then don’t ask it of them. 

If you choose to not give it—you don’t have the right to ask for it. 

It’s time to shift your focus from analyzing the behaviors of others to looking at your own.  Pay attention to the way you behave in relationships and work to become the person you wish to work for, live with or be friends with.  When you’re clean on your end and behaving the way you want others to behave, you will be on stronger footing to create change.  Get yourself in check before you start trying to get everyone else in check.

Challenge: Take a moment and look at the way you are in your relationships across the board.  Honestly ask yourself if you would want to have you as a boss or friend, parent or lover?  If there’s a relationship you struggle with, look at your part in that struggle.  Would you want to be with you?

Keep Your Focus on You and Watch Your World Change

Time and again I watch men and women constantly pointing their fingers at the other person.  They spend all their time and energy trying to change what the other person is doing.  Both men and women believe that if the other person would just be kinder, talk more, stop raging, complaining, controlling or (fill in the blank) then everything else would be fine.  They then spend the next ten years trying to get their partner to make those changes. 

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that this seldom -- if ever -- works.

Trying to change another person will never work.  In fact, it can’t work.  It can’t work because no one has the power to change someone else.  We can ask, plead, beg, bully, rage, try to force them to do what we want them to do, yet in the end they get to decide.  In the end, they decide what they will do and how they will do it.  No amount of pleading or screaming will change the fact that they choose their behaviors.

And, likewise, no one can make you change either.  Only you have the power to change yourself.  Only you decide what you will or won’t do.  Even if your partner is bullying you, raging and in your face threatening you—ultimately you still decide.  You decide if you will cower, give in, stand your ground, stay, go and everything in between.  You decide.

Getting Unstuck (Part II): Taking Steps

Last week I wrote a post about the difficulty of getting unstuck in life and relationships.  Although many people know they need to make a change, few actually take steps to do so.  Below is a quick cheat sheet to getting unstuck.  If you’re unhappy in your job, relationship, living situation or life, take these steps to get unstuck:
1.    Get clarity about why you’re unhappy.  Name it, write it down and be specific. Don’t just say you’re not happy in your job or relationship, state why you’re unhappy.  Is it because of a difficult co-worker, a tyrannical boss, your partner’s affair, lack of communication, harshness or (Fill in the blank).  Get specific.
2.    Brainstorm your options. Start from small to big options.  Small options may include having a conversation, making a comment in the moment, making a request.  More difficult steps may include: setting a limit, getting into couples counseling, giving an ultimatum, asking for a raise, reducing your hours, looking for another job, etc.  Do not judge your list—just write it uncensored.  Don’t worry yet which option is doable or not, there is plenty of time for that.  Think outside the box and be creative about your options—there are often several options for any given problem.
3.    Brainstorm all the things you’re doing that are not serving you in this.  This list may include: being too reactive or aggressive, silencing, speaking hesitantly, procrastinating, doubting yourself, talking too much and saying little, being defensive, being passive-aggressive, escaping via alcohol, drugs or an affair, etc.  Now is not the time to pretend you are perfect—look at what you are doing that is not helping the situation.  We all do something and until we take off our blinders we will continue to do the same move getting us into the same bad place time and again.  Look at your piece--don’t run from it.
4.    Choose a step and take it NOW. Look over your options list and decide which action step you are willing to take no matter how small.  It is best to have this behavior somehow correspond to the list pertaining to what you’re doing that is not serving you.  Choose one to two options to implement and do so.

Change is hard and there are seldom any guarantees.  Too many people wait to take a step until they have everything in place—which seldom happens.  Do not wait until all your ducks are in a row—there are always a few defiant ducks that don’t like to tow the line.  Proceed without perfection and… PROCEED!

Challenge: Choose a problem where you are stuck and go through the above four steps.  Once complete, go back to your two brainstorming lists and circle the behavior that is hurting you the most as well as the option that corresponds to it.  For example, if you are not speaking, you could circle “talk to my boss/partner/friend.”  Focus on this change and see what you notice.  If you are not ready to choose that change, pick the smallest change possible on your list and start there.

Getting Unstuck in Life and Relationships

"Leap and the net shall appear." -- John Burroughs

Change is often scary.  In fact, it can be so scary that people feel paralyzed by the thought of it.  Even when things are going poorly in a person’s life and they know they need to take steps to change things, they can be rendered helpless.  The fear of changing feels too great.  What if they take the steps to change the situation and things get worse?  What if they aren’t strong enough, good enough or wise enough for this change?  What if others will be sad, angry or disappointed as a result of the change?  What if they make the wrong decision?  The what ifs can be countless and debilitating. 

The reality is that we seldom know where our decisions will take us or what the ripple effect of change will be.  What I do know, however, is that doing the same—will get me the same results.  This is true at work, in our friendships, romantic relationships and in our lives.  If we know we are unhappy in a situation, but fail to try to change it, then we will continue to be unhappy.

Getting unstuck requires that we take a different action.  I’ve seen too many people stay in toxic jobs for years, miserable relationships for decades and dead-end situations for lifetimes.  These people get stuck in the what ifs, in their fears and in their undying hope for change.  They lose sight of the here and now and instead get trapped wishing for guarantees.  They want to know for certain that if they take the step it will be the right one.  They want assurance that taking the step will lead to a new and brighter tomorrow.

How to Stop Being Passive-Aggressive

I recently wrote a post entitled, ‘Are You Passive-Aggressive?’  A comment was left on my Facebook page http://tinyurl.com/3o53ke8, asking me how to stop being passive-aggressive.  Here’s my answer.
1.    Get conscious.  Pay attention to all the things you don’t say, all the times you make snide comments and all the times you feel annoyed.  If you don’t know when you feel annoyed, pay attention to your eye rolling, sighs and glares.
2.    Speak up, don’t shut up.  Often people who struggle with being passive-aggressive are also afraid of conflict.  In an effort to avoid a fight or disagreement, they stay silent rather than honestly speak about their upset.  Because they keep things in, they end up getting resentful.  Ultimately, their anger then gets leaked out rather than worked out.
3.    Start small.  Speaking up takes practice after years of not being direct, so you need to start to speak up on smaller issues with “safe” people in your life.  For example, begin to be more honest with your closest and healthiest friends before moving to a more difficult partner or co-worker.  The more practice you get, the more courageous you will feel with others.
4.    Have integrity with your word.  If you don’t mean it, don’t say it.  If you say you will do something—do it.  If you do something, do it on time and to the best of your ability rather than doing a poor to mediocre job.  Avoid saying you will do something just to get someone off your back—it will only keep the person on your back longer.

Why so Many Relationships are Failing…and What to do About it

With so many divorces, failed dating relationships and increasing friends with benefit couplings it’s a wonder any couples survive.  So what’s the magic that makes one relationship work while ten others fail? Is it karma, luck of the draw or plain old coincidence that leads one relationship to succeed while another fails? 

The truth is—it’s none of these.

Successful relationships happen when two healthy people decide to bring their best selves to the relationship.

With the daily pressures of finances, work, children etc., it becomes all too easy to allow relationships to take a back seat. It’s common for individuals to get lazy, take their partner for granted and to continue to think and act like a single person while in a committed relationship.  A bad day at work, leads to snapping at home.  Financial strains lead to shutting down and tuning loved ones out.  Children acting out lead to working longer hours outside the home to avoid the chaos.  Slowly but surely these pressures create greater distance between couples who spend so much time trying to bring their best selves to the office that they have nothing left to bring home.

Steps to Stop Being Co-dependant

Below is a post from my new blog http://lmerlobooth.typepad.com/straight_talk_4_women/ Enjoy!

My last post talked about what Co-dependence is and how it shows up in people’s lives.  Although it’s great to have insight into what codependence looks like, it’s even more important to be able to stop codependent behaviors. Below are several tips to stop codependency.  Keep in mind that it is often helpful to seek out professional help to assist you on this journey of healing from codependency.
Tips to jumpstart your journey away from codependency:
1.    Control your own behavior and stop trying to control the actions and behaviors of others. Don’t tell others what to do and how to do it or tweak what they’ve done because they didn’t do it as you would do it.
2.    Pay attention to your anxiety and manage your anxiety rather than trying to manage the world.
3.    Get conscious of your critical lens and how that plays out in your life and in the lives of those around you.  Stop the critiques, analyzing and “fixing” of others.
4.    Work on your self-esteem.  Do not look to others to make you feel as though you are okay.  Healthy self-esteem comes from the inside out NOT the outside in.  Things outside yourself such as romantic attention, material things or performance may feel good, make your life easier or be enjoyable but they do NOT make you worthy.  You’re already worthy—even when someone is angry with you, has an affair on you or tells you you’re a terrible person.

Part I: What is Co-dependency?

Below is a post from my new blog http://lmerlobooth.typepad.com/straight_talk_4_women/ Enjoy!

Countless women I see are struggling with issues of codependency and it’s killing their relationships (men can also be codependent).  The tip off for me of codependence is desperation to make a relationship work despite countless signs that it’s not a healthy relationship.  The person may be in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship yet stay for years because they “love” the abuser for example.  This desperation often leads the codependent into twisting themselves into a pretzel to try to make the other person happy and the relationship to work.  Below are several red flags for codependency:

1.    An unhealthy reliance on others to make you happy.
2.    Putting the needs of others above your own needs and wants.
3.    Going out of your way to get someone’s love, acceptance or attention even at your own expense.
4.    A belief that the attention and love of another is what will make you happy.
5.    A strong desire to care-take another despite their constant attempts to push you away or get you to stop.
6.    Frequent attempts to control the other person’s actions, behaviors, choices etc.
7.     Excessive analyzing or preoccupation of another person’s actions, thoughts, deep-seated issues as you see them or feelings.
8.    The grandiose belief that you know what’s best for the other person, what they need and/or what they’re emotionally hiding.

In general, codependence is almost an obsession about gaining the attention, love and affection of another person and being willing to do anything to make that happen.  Often this need clouds a person’s judgment to such a degree that they fail to see the countless signs right in front of them telling them this relationship is unhealthy.  If they do know the relationship is unhealthy, they often are at a loss as to how to change it or unhook from it because they can’t bear to be at odds with the person or relationship. 

If codependents aren’t trying to twist themselves into a pretzel to try to satisfy the other person, then they’re often trying to twist the other person into a pretzel to try to change for the codependent. The person who struggles with codependency will often try to get the other person to see the error of their ways and to change.  Codependents often think, “If s/he would just do… (Fill in the blank), everything would be fine.”  They then spend much of their time trying to get the other person to just do…--so things will be okay.  Of course, neither twisting himself or herself into a pretzel nor twisting the other person into a pretzel works.

If you believe you struggle with codependency your first step towards change is to get your eyes on you and off of the other person.  Remember that contrary to Tom Cruise’s line in Jerry Maguire, only YOU complete you.  Stop looking for someone else to do that for you.

Challenge: If you think you struggle with codependency, look at some of the signs above, read about it, get curious and be open to looking at yourself.  Stop tying to figure out what’s wrong with the other person and start looking at where you’re off. 
Stay tuned for Part II of Codependency: How to Stop Being Codependent