Straight Talk On Relationships

LIGHTEN UP---ON OTHERS AND YOURSELF: HOW JUDGEMENTS IMPACT RELATIONSHIPS

While on vacation this past week, I took some time out to watch the world.  I watched my own family, my friend’s family, workers, vacationers, children and adults.  One thing that struck me was the amount of judging being done by people across the board -- spoken and unspoken.  I was also struck by how much our judging of others, impacts our judgment of ourselves.

I know that when I’m personally not in a good place, I’m more likely to look down on those around me.  The more I look down on those around me, the more easily I criticize myself.  It’s almost as though one feeds the other. 

Not surprisingly, when I’m more forgiving of others’ mistakes, quirks, etc., I can often carry that same acceptance over to myself.  What was striking this vacation, however, was how obviously this dynamic showed up in others.  The children and adults who were less comfortable with themselves and their surroundings were more likely to make negative comments about others.  When the children and adults felt more comfortable, they were more accepting of others’ idiosyncrasies.

ENABLING IS OFTEN TOXIC TO RELATIONSHIPS

Enabling:  to provide somebody with the resources, authority, or opportunity to do something.
-Encarta Dictionary

Enabling is a term used to describe behaviors that allow other behaviors to continue.  It’s often used in the addiction world to describe the endless ways a non-addict partner enables or assists the addict’s addiction.  Enabling behaviors can include: putting the addict to bed after s/he passes out on the floor, calling in sick for the addict because s/he is too hung-over to go to work or paying the court costs for an alcoholic’s DUI. 

In essence, enabling softens the blow of the natural consequences of behaviors.  Subsequently, the person behaving badly doesn’t feel the sting of his/her mistakes.  Without the sting, the behavior continues undaunted and often escalates.

Enabling occurs everywhere, not just in the world of addictions.  Parents, teachers, politicians, churches, bosses and friends have all been known to enable unhealthy behaviors.  Some examples include:

RELATIONSHIP VIOLENCE: ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY VITAL

This has been an interesting week for me professionally.  Have you ever had one of those weeks in which the same theme keeps coming into your life again and again?  If you haven’t, believe me it’s a weird phenomenon.

The theme this week: verbal and physical abuse that starts between the couple and trickles down to the children.  I keep getting calls and e-mails from women asking me what to do about their toxic partners who have been verbally abusive for years.  Ninety percent of the time, the women also state their children are picking up this abuse and turning their anger on their mother as well. 

These women say they lost themselves somewhere along the way.  They’re fighting depression, confused about what to do in their relationships and are scared for the future of their children.  They know they have to do something, yet have no idea what that something is.  Many of them ask me to please see or speak to their husband or child, hoping I might get through to them.

RELATIONSHIPS AND THE CRAZY GAMES WE PLAY IN AN ATTEMPT TO KEEP THINGS SMOOTH

Recently, while at a workshop with my long time mentor Terry Real, I was struck by his comment:  “It is co-dependant when you back away from functional behaviors because of fear of your partner’s dysfunctional behavior.”  I immediately started to chuckle when I heard this because I know so many of us do it.

 

We are constantly making decisions on how to approach our partners based on how we believe our partners will respond versus what the most relationally healthy move would be.  Here are several real life examples of this (the names have been changed to protect the innocentJ):

 

• Karen has been angry for weeks about her husband’s affair but has chosen to stop talking to him about it because she knows he will continue to get defensive and tell her to just get over it.  She wants to ask him to go into counseling with her, however has chosen to not ask him because she is certain he will refuse.   
• Ted has chosen to stay quiet about his wife’s rage because he knows if he tries to discuss it with her she’ll rage and get out of control.
• Sally continues to clean the house, wash the dishes, cook, do the laundry etc., because she’s concerned that if she speaks to her husband about it, he’ll become angry and defensive.
• Tom does not address his wife’s drinking because he’s concerned that she will dismiss him and tell him she only drinks so she doesn’t have to deal with him.

 

THE RELATIONSHIP HIPPOCRATIC OATH: DO NO HARM…PERIOD!

 

 

“As to diseases,

Make a habit of two things—

To help, or at least do no harm.”

Hippocrates, The Epidemics

 

I’m often struck by the way so many of us treat our loved ones compared to how we treat strangers on the street or acquaintances.  It seems that often it’s our loved ones who get the worst of us and strangers who get the best. It’s as though we have been taught this crazy notion that the closer people are to us the more freedom we have to “let our hair down.”  This often translates into being hurtful, uncontained, and thoughtless.

 

That is absolutely a** backwards.  Intimacy doesn’t entitle us to be abusive, cold, brutally “honest”, or abrasive; in fact, intimacy entitles us to NOTHING.  Intimacy is a gift we share with those closest to us.  It is not a green ticket to be unconscious, thoughtless, and just “ourselves”.  Sometimes--just being ourselves--is not the best way to be.  Sometimes--the pause button we place on our actions in public is even more necessary to have in private. 

 

STOP MINIMIZING AND STAND UP FOR YOURSELF...RECOGNIZING WHEN YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS NOT GOOD FOR YOU

 

I receive e-mails, blog comments, and inquiries from women and men all the time describing miserable relationships and poor treatment. 

 

For example:

 

* “I have 5 kids by my husband and he has two with another woman.  I have reason to believe she is pregnant again.  He is with her every other night.”

 

* “He doesn’t think I’m the most important part of his life.  All I know is that someone with a brain would not stand for this man.  He is arrogant, selfish, and self centered.”

 

*  “My fiancé and I have been together for nearly three years and are getting married in less than 6 months. Last week, I found out that he has been chatting, texting, and posting on sex sites. One site is for locals who meet up for "casual encounters" and his post was very disturbing.”

 

*  “She overreacted and then gave me the silent treatment for 3 days over one incident I did 20 years ago when I was just kid.”

 

*”Yes my girlfriend of 14 years has always cheated on me from day one.”

 

Unfortunately, in these e-mails is also a host of excuses for staying and continuing to take the poor treatment.

 

*  “I’m a single parent, without a job, my son has ADHD, so he can be EXTREMELY difficult to deal with at times, and I just don't see a whole lot of men who would be willing to sign on, and begin a relationship with me.”

 

* “I’m staying for the sake of my son.”

 

* “But I love him and he loves me and there's so much potential…”

 

*  “I’m trying to move on from this and give him a last chance because I think he does regret things, but he's scared to tell me the truth”?

 

Unfortunately, the longer we stay in relationships that are hurtful, the more likely we are to stay in hurtful relationships.  Why?  Because each day we stay, without significantly standing up for ourselves (with our actions not just words), we chip away at our own sense of self worth.  We begin to question ourselves rather than our partners.  We start to feel horrible about how we’re being treated and even more horrible that we’re accepting the treatment.  It begins a vicious cycle that ends in even worse treatment and a greater loss of self. 

 

WAKE UP…if you’re being treated poorly than only you can stop that treatment.  Stop excusing your partner’s harshness, abuse, affairs, addiction etc., and start standing up for yourself and stopping it…even if that means leaving. 

 

First, try to do everything you can to change it…AND, if you’re partner is not willing to work it (i.e. end the affair, get into addiction treatment, get into couples therapy/coaching) then be willing to leave.  The cost of staying in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship is too high for you and/or your children. 

 

Acknowledge your fear and take the steps you need to take to get stronger.  Do not pretend that staying with a partner who’s having numerous affairs is going to be helpful to your children.  Stop settling because you think no one else would want you.  If you have no money—get to work so you don’t have to rely on your partner.

 

Get stronger and healthier and you’ll feel like a whole different person.  You will then realize you have a lot to offer someone and you won’t settle for less from someone else.  If your relationship is unhealthy, then YOU need to get healthy.

 

CHALLENGE:  If you’ve been excusing your partner’s poor treatment then commit to stopping that today!  Instead, get clear about the problem behavior and make a plan to directly address it.  Be clear with your partner what you expect and what you will do if s/he does not hold up their side.  Then follow through and do what you said.

 

THE POWER OF STAYING IN THE PRESENT IN RELATIONSHIPS

Too often we are guilty of living in the past or forever focusing on the future. In relationships, this can be a true detriment.  Sometimes we even look to the past to predict the future. For example: 

 

• Sue won’t ask her partner to help clean since the last time she asked him he refused and started a fight.  She’s sure he’ll do the same now too.
• Dan won’t ask his wife to go bike riding since she often comes up with an excuse and he’s tired of hearing excuses.
• Mary decided to buy herself an expensive item for her birthday, behind her husband’s back, because she knew he would throw a fit if she discussed it with him.

We often think we know how our partners will respond in any given moment; we then base our actions (or lack of actions) on that assumption.  Unfortunately, our assumptions are not always right.  If we continue to think we KNOW what our partner is going to do and we then act accordingly, we run the risk of getting ourselves in a ridiculous rut.  We base our actions on things that happened in the past and in so doing, we do not leave room for a new future.  

 

THE INAUGURATION AND RELATIONSHIPS: THE POWER OF HOPE

 

The presidential inauguration of President Obama seems to have breathed life back into our country again.  I do not recall a time, in my lifetime, when our country was filled with so much hope.  With this hope has come a renewed energy and commitment to get our country stronger and healthier than ever before.

 

This dynamic is the same for couples.   When I have couples enter my office on the brink of divorce, I know that unless they get some inkling of hope (and fast), that the odds are not good they’re going to make it.  The catalyst for hope…is CHANGE.  The change however, has to be not only spoken, but also acted upon. 

 

Many partners, when put on the hot seat, will promise to change.  Hope however, doesn’t get sparked until the actions back up the words spoken.  In other words, until the person actually starts to show up in the relationship differently, their words have very little impact…and their partner, has very little hope. 

 

RELATIONSHIP REALITY: THE MORE YOU TAKE OVER, THE MORE YOUR PARTNER WILL GIVE IT OVER

Recently, my husband and I had a very interesting conversation about something that was going on in our relationship.  Although I’m a bit embarrassed to share it, I realize it is a great learning opportunity for my readers…(as I write this I will continue to remind myself that I’m enough and I matter despite this storyJ).

 

Over the years one of the most common complaints I would hear from women is that their partners don’t help at home (with the kids, cooking, cleaning, laundry etc.).  This is not to say that only women become over responsible however, I definitely hear about it more from the women.  My response to this type of complaint has always been to stop taking it over when he doesn’t do it or he’ll do less and less, she’ll do more and more and resentment will creep in soon after.

VENTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS: IF YOU SAY IT, YOU MEAN IT...and it hurts

I'm shocked by how many people believe thier words are inconsequential when said in anger.  Throughout the years I've heard a myriad of excuses for people's hurtful words.  Here are some of the more common ones:

• It was no big deal, she know's I say things when I get mad.

• Give me break, I can't swear when I get mad?  Everyone swears.

• It wasn't that bad, she's just sensitive.

• He deserved it.  If he didn't do what he did then I wouldn't have been so angry.

• I didn't mean what I said, I was just angry.

Regardless of what your reason, saying hurtful things in anger is...hurtful.  It's hurtful to the person your speaking to, it's hurtful to your relationship, and it's hurtful to those in the vicinity who have to listen to it.