Straight Talk On Relationships

TRANSFORMING BAD RELATIONSHIPS INTO HEALTHY ONES: THERE'S NO QUICK FIX

People often talk about how unhappy they are in their relationships.  They complain about their poor sex life, lack of connection, mistreatment, their partner’s habits, and so on.  They wish things would change and say they are willing to do anything to make that change happen…until of course I tell them what to do.

 

In my experience, there are several distinct groups of individuals, two of which include:  those who want change and are willing to work like crazy to make change happen, and those who want…those around them to change.   The second group is looking for the magic pill or the quick fix.  They don’t want to work harder than their partners and they certainly don’t want to go first; so they wait, they complain, and they wish.  They do not however change.

 

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, then before you start complaining about it, decide whether you are unhappy enough to do something about it or just unhappy and in the wishing stage:  wishing it would get better, wishing your partner was home more, wishing…(fill in the blank). 

CHANGING ME, CHANGES WE: WORKING YOUR RELATIONSHIP ALL BY YOURSELF

It seems that as we get older, we get more and more stuck in our ways.  For example, if I get really upset at my husband I tend to get quiet and stew.  I do this every time I’m really triggered and acting unhealthy (which is not that often of courseJ).  The point is I keep trying the same move no matter how many times it hasn’t worked. 

It’s like I become the crazy foreigner who asks for directions and every time the person says s/he doesn’t speak English I repeat the same exact question only louder and more slowly; like all of a sudden the person is going to magically understand English.  My brain is stuck on one path in that moment and I think that perhaps if I keep doing the exact same thing, only with more gusto, it will help.

Unfortunately, doing the same thing repeatedly seldom helps.  In fact, it often leads to more frustration.  So, many years ago I figured out that if I wanted something to be different, I had to act differently.  I actually had to stop shutting down and stewing and instead try a new approach.    My new move inevitably forced a new move from my husband which was awesome and actually fun to experiment with.  When my new move resulted in a negative move on his part, I changed the move until I got a result I was happy with. 

 

CRITICAL RELATIONSHIPS (Part I): GET OFF MY BACK!!! DO YOU EVER FEEL LIKE YOU CAN’T DO ANYTHING RIGHT IN THE EYES OF YOUR PARTNER?

A NOTE TO MEN…

 

One of the most common complaints I hear from men is they can’t do anything right.  They swear that no matter what they do--even if they do exactly what their partner asked them to do--it’s not good enough.  They are adamant that their partner will either complain about what they just did, or she will come up with a list of ten more things to get done.  The women believe that if the men would just do what they say they’re going to do--and do it right--then they wouldn’t have to complain.

 

Sound familiar?  If so, then you’re not alone, I hear this story again and again.  In fact, it’s wreaking havoc in many relationships.  The men see the women as insatiable shrews and the women see the men as irresponsible slackers.  So what’s a couple to do? 

 

Let’s start with the men:  I see that men repeatedly agree to do things--to get their partner’s off their backs.  They say yes in the moment, when they have no intention of following through any time soon.  They’re tired, they want to relax, and the last thing they want to do is get into an argument about whether or not they’re going to mow the lawn.  Yes is the fastest route to calm…for now.  

ARE YOU FUELING YOUR PARTNER’S ANGER BY RUNNING FROM IT?

• Stacey’s son throws a temper tantrum every time he doesn’t get his way.  Stacey responds by trying her best to placate her son and settle him down. 

She teaches her son that his tantrums work.

• Steve’s wife often gets so angry and reactive when she doesn’t like something he’s doing that he just clams up and does what she tells him.   

He teaches his wife that her anger and reactivity work. 

• Laura hates it when her husband gets angry and short with her.  He becomes demanding and she gives him what he wants to avoid an escalation. 

She teaches him that his anger and entitlement work. 

Many couples struggle with anger issues.  Typically one partner is quick to anger while the other partner is quick to duck and give in.  When I speak about the importance of not fueling the flame of their partner’s anger, the ducking partner often responds by saying they walk on eggshells to insure they don’t fuel any more anger from their partner.  My response: “Walking on eggshells is like lighting a match to their partner’s anger.”   

STANDING UP FOR HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: WILL YOUR HUSBAND OR BOYFRIEND RISE TO THE OCCASION OR TURN AND RUN?

Many women I work with struggle with wanting a different relationship yet not wanting to stand up to their partners to get one.  They just wish that their partners would step up and be more relational on their own.  I can’t help but think how I would love that same thing regarding my children. I just want them to speak respectfully, do their chores, and follow the limits--on their own. Wouldn’t that be wonderful?!

Well, as wonderful as that may be, I don’t see it happening. Men, women, and children for that matter, are all creatures of habit and that habit often does not change just because you wish it to.  In fact, the more you watch the habit and hope for it to change, the more it grows bigger.

It’s frequently not until you stand up, be clear about what you need and want, and then stand behind that request, that things begin to change.  Although there are times when even this won’t work, it’s your best shot at getting the relationship you’ve always wanted.

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STAND BY YOUR MAN…TO DO OR NOT TO DO: SHOULD GOVERNOR ELIOT SPITZER’S WIFE BE STANDING BY HER MAN…LITERALLY?

Another one bites the dust; it seems as though the politicians in this country are dropping like flies.  Whether it’s a heterosexual affair with an intern, a gay affair with another man, or string of sexual indiscretions with prostitutes, things are heating up in the political world. 

Unfortunately it is not only the offending individuals who are paying the price.

The ripple effect of these betrayals is enormous, touching the lives of the spouses, children, colleagues, employees, and our entire political system.  The spouses are devastated, the children ridiculed and teased, employees are forced to clean out their offices while the next political target comes in, and the faith in our Nations’ political system is shaken once again.

The behavior of one, impacts the lives of many... 

CHANGING YOUR RELATIONSHIPS WITH A ONE-TWO PUNCH

In order to get the relationship you want, you must be willing to work for it.  The best way I know to do this is to apply the relationship one-two punch:

1. Ask for nothing more than you’re willing to give in relationships.
2. Accept nothing less.

Often in couples there’s one person who is more of the taker and one who is more of the giver.  The taker may provide an income to the family; however, beyond that s/he tends to be fairly selfish.  The taker wants things done his/her way, does what s/he wants to do when s/he wants to do it, may provide little emotional support or comfort to family members, and adds little beyond money to the family system.  The giver basically accepts what the taker gives (with occasional outbursts and pleas, but with no real sustenance).

There are many reasons why this dynamic gets set up, and let me be clear that often both parties contribute to this dynamic:  takers learn to take advantage of their partners because their partners allow it; givers continue to do everything because they are afraid of what will happen if they don’t do it all.  Both partners create an endless dance of give and take, and neither are very skilled at partnering.   

SET THE BAR HIGH: HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ARE…RELATIONAL

Too often people accept poor treatment from their loved ones without realizing how toxic that is to the relationship and to families. When we accept poor treatment, we become resentful, we teach our children to either accept poor treatment themselves, or be the perpetrators of poor treatment, we begin to feel unworthy, and we teach others that we’re not important enough to treat well.

You can’t stop your loved ones from doing what they’re going to do; however, you can choose to stop taking it.

Here are some foundational behaviors that everyone in a relationship has the right to expect:
1. To be greeted daily. It is common courtesy to acknowledge someone’s existence and for others to acknowledge yours. When you or your partner comes home, it’s respectful to say hello. It’s cherishing to go the extra step and give your partner a hello kiss and ask how his/her day went. Minimal, however, is the greeting.

2. To be treated respectfully. The Encarta Dictionary defines respect as “a feeling or attitude of admiration and deference toward somebody or something.” If you are in an intimate relationship, you deserve to be thought of and treated with high regard…as does your partner. Yes, there will be times when you both will be upset with one another; however, that should not shake the foundation of admiration, high regard, and mutual respect.

This also means that you and your partner hold one another in high regard in and out of one another’s presence. You each deserve to know that if your partner is talking about you to anyone, that s/he is doing so from a sacred place.

TAKING THE REACTIVITY OUT OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS… a key step toward positive change

On any given day any one of us can react in a split second to annoying events, our partner’s foibles, life circumstances, etc. In fact, many of us have a black belt in reactivity which leads into all sorts of trouble, regrets, and negative consequences.

Reacting is a knee-jerk response to events that trigger us. When we are reacting to something or someone, we are on autopilot with an irrational person at the wheel. We are in no way consciously thinking about the next best move. In fact there is little thinking going on.

This morning, for example, I was driving my children to school and couldn’t pull out of my street due to the traffic. The traffic on the main street I was trying to turn onto was moving steady and slow. No cars would pause to let me enter, and even worse, cars would turn down my street without letting me go before they turned. UGH! After several minutes of this, I let out a sigh of exasperation and said something about how rude these people were. I was definitely having a reaction.

CODEPENDENCY AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS DO NOT MIX: THE ART OF LETTING GO

People throw around the term codependency all the time; professionals talk about it, lay people wonder about it, and alcoholics and their partners live with it. Few people, however, truly know what it is.

Melody Beattie has an excellent book on codependency titled, Codependent No More. If you’ve ever wondered if you’re codependent or were curious about what codependency is, this is the book for you.

Melody’s definition is: “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior. “

Most codependents who read this definition would likely say they are not codependent. Let me help clarify for a minute. Codependents become highly reactive to the behaviors of others. Codependents are very in tune to the people they care about and are frequently pointing out: what their partner’s doing, what their partner should be doing, why their partner is doing what their doing, how their partner’s behavior is related to their family of origin issues and on and on.

Codependents find it nearly impossible to stay out of their partner’s business. They see better, know better, and are responsible for making their partners better. They are often sure they know the cure for their partner’s ailments and they do anything in their power to change their partners so they can feel more comfortable in the relationship.