Straight Talk On Relationships

ARE THE MUNDANE “NECESSITIES” OF LIFE GETTING IN THE WAY OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS? All important relationships require time and attention

I remember one day many years ago, (not sooooo many years mind you!) a friend from high school began to act more interested in my life and what was going on with me.  When I asked her what was up, she said that she realized that in order to have a friend, she had to be a friend.  It was a turning point in our friendship.

Since that time, I’ve realized that I’ve forgotten this all important lesson. Unfortunately with the onset of marriage, kids, work, traveling, writing, etc., I’ve spent less and less attention on my friends thinking that they will always be there.  Although this may be true, that’s not me being a friend.

This happens in romantic relationships all the time.  We take each other for granted because we assume our partner will always be there.  We get tired, busy, and complacent, taking care of all the mundane “necessities” in life; meanwhile the days…keep… passing…by.  Before we know it, we feel distant, drained, and unsatisfied; we wonder what happened and hope to God we can get it back.

GOSSIP AND RELATIONSHIPS…AN UNHEALTHY MIX

One of my relational cornerstones is: Don’t speak ill of others--it reflects poorly on you (not to mention it doesn’t feel so great to the person being talked about either). This cornerstone is about gossiping.  Gossiping, throughout the ages, has been used maliciously, as a means of connecting to others, as a way of making you look/feel better than someone else, as a deflection, and absentmindedly. 

The problem is: when we gossip--we hurt others and ourselves.  We hurt ourselves by being out of integrity and by teaching people we can’t be trusted.  We hurt others by speaking about them in a negative light.  It may feel fine when you’re on the speaking end of the information, but I guarantee you it’s not so fine when you’re the one being spoken about.

I remember being in a group of women who would talk about other people without a second thought it seemed.  Inevitably, I would walk away wondering what they were going to say about me once I got out of earshot.  It was a very uncomfortable feeling.  At that moment I realized that if we talk about acquaintances, there’s no reason to think we won’t talk about our friends too.

PERSONAL GROWTH AND LEAVING FRIENDS BEHIND: Making old relationships new

When I’m working with clients on relationship issues our work almost always begins with strengthening the self.  It’s pivotal that the person has a healthy core in order to sustain a healthy relationship.  Not surprisingly, as the person begins to become healthier s/he becomes more aware of what’s unhealthy.  This can definitely shake up relationships and friendships.

I often hear from people who’ve made a lot of personal changes that they don’t enjoy being around their friends as much as they did before.  They begin to see their friends as unhealthy and they don’t want to be around that energy anymore; at the same time, they don’t want to lose all their friends.  What’s going on?

First off, let me just say this is normal. As people get healthier, they have a much lower tolerance for unhealthy.  As you get better boundaries, you notice the poor boundaries of others…and you want nothing to do with it.  What used to be fun gossip, now doesn’t sit right in the pit of your stomach.  Telling your girlfriend her husband’s a jerk for what he did to her no longer seems like the most helpful response to make.  Talking about superficial things just isn’t nourishing you anymore--especially when your life has been falling apart and you’ve had to do some work to get to center.