Straight Talk On Relationships

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY

Talk about mistakes...yikes here I have a relationship blog and I almost forget to post on Valentine's Day!  I suppose I was so caught up with my own relationships with my husband and children that I forgot to post.  Hopefully you all are doing the same and just enjoying some special time with your loved ones too.

This Valentine's remember to treat those closest to you best, and take the time to let them know you care.  Get a card, write a note, sprinkle some tenderness, and be thankful for all that you have.  Also remember that the most precious gift--your presence, love and attention--is free.  Make sure you're fully present this Valentine's Day sharing the very best part of yourself with the person you care about.

If you're not in a romantic relationship, don't focus on who you don't have and instead be thankful for who you do.  Enjoy the night with some friends or family and be thankful you have others to share it with.  Do not put unnecessary pressure on yourself or on any single friends you have.  Just enjoy the sweets and relax.

CHALLENGE: Be kind, loving, and warm-hearted for this entire weekend and extend Valentine's Day to beyond a box of candy or bouquet of flowers.  Your partner will love your relational gift and you'll feel better for it.  

NEW YEAR’S RESOLUTIONS…A COUPLES APPROACH

Happy New Year!  It’s that time of year again, a time to review all your successes and well, your lack of successes shall we say.  If you’re like many people, you’re also likely to come up with another wish list of goals for the coming year.  And, like many people, these goals are likely to be focused on intensely for the first week, month, or even six weeks for those who are truly committed, only to fall off as the year goes on.  

 

We’ve all heard the suggestions:

• Write your goals down.  There’s something about putting your goals in writing that actually helps you to do them.
• Be specific.  Make measurable, specific goals (I.e. I want to have seven thousand dollars in our savings account by December 31^, 2009) rather than general goals such as I want to save more money.
• Break each goal down into smaller chunks.  Breaking goals down into bite size chunks helps you to keep track of how you’re doing with your goals and makes the goal a bit easier to attain.
• Place your goals within eyesight.  Placing your goals on your desk, refrigerator, on your palm pilot etc., keeps them in your consciousness.  The more often you’re thinking about them, the more likely you are to work them.

 And many other suggestions…all good, helpful, and…hard to follow.

 

MAKING THE HOLIDAYS A FIGHT-FREE ZONE FOR YOUR SAKE AND THE SAKE OF YOUR FAMILY

This year, perhaps more than ever before, families are under an enormous amount of stress.  If it’s not the normal holiday stresses, it’s the heavy weight of a downward spiraling economy, loss jobs, outrageous credit card interest rates or you name it.  With all this stress it’s no wonder there’s a lot of arguing happening on the home front.

 

AND…it’s more important than ever to keep oneself in check.  Making an already stressful situation even more stressful is not helpful to you, your partner, or your family.  It’s also unnecessary. 

 

Below are several tips to help you get through the holiday season with more joy and less fireworks for all.

1. Commit to yourself and your partner that you will do everything in your power to take all yelling, screaming, name calling, and disrespect off the table; Period. Allow this to be one of your holiday gifts to your family.
2. Do not become wonder woman or super man and try to do all the gift shopping, cooking, party planning etc.  Remember if you take over, your partner will give it over.  If your partner refuses to share in the help (which is incredibly non-relational-but can be dealt with at a different time) then do what you can reasonably do without feeling resentful.  Let go of the rest and don’t beat yourself up for not being able to be everything for everyone…that’s codependence not health anyway.
3. If you’re struggling financially, do creative gift giving rather than spending what you don’t have.  Give your extended family (and children) the heads up so they know and ask them not to go too big this year.  If they go big anyway, don’t feel bad; that was their choice and it has nothing to do with you.  Some creative gifts include:  giving a friend a night of free babysitting, your partner a night to him/herself, one on one time with your child, cooking someone their favorite meal, a day of games etc. 
4. Create a one day negative free zone for your family.  On the holiday itself be determined to not say anything negative come hell or high water!!!  You cannot control what someone else does but you most certainly can control what you do.  Make sure you control what comes out of your mouth and walk away if you feel you will be unable to maintain calm.  This is one day a year—no excuses.
5. Pay attention to the positives and be determined to take those precious moments in.  Notice your child laughing, your parent smiling, the taste of good food, the luxury of having electricity, the ability to share this time with others.  Stay focused in the present and view each positive moment as a luxury that many other people don’t have.  Take it in and be thankful.

 

 

Wishing everyone a joyous, conflict-free, peaceful and loving holiday! 

Warm regards,

Lisa  

THE POWER OF WORDS: WATCHING THEIR IMPACT ON THE FACE OF A CHILD (There’s Nothing like A Little Tenderness in Relationships)

This past week my daughter Rylee got to choose a Tender Coupon from the Kids Power Pack. She looked through the pile several times and narrowed her choice down to three cards: Have a friend over within the next seven days, Choice of family restaurant or movie, or One day filled with compliments and positive comments.

I was sure she would pick the friend… Imagine my surprise when she picked the compliments!!!

She held the coupon for a couple days and then came up to me this morning and turned in her Tender Coupon for: ONE DAY FILLED WITH COMPLIMENTS AND POSITIVE COMMENTS.

I gave her a great big hug and showered her with compliments…the grin on her face was priceless.

R-E-L-A-X…FOR THE HOLIDAYS: Relationships and the holiday season

Every year it feels like the hustle and bustle of the holidays creates a terrible strain on couples and families. Forget about the giving spirit, sitting by the fireplace peacefully snuggling, or quietly sipping eggnog while decorating the Christmas tree; there’s no time for all that…THERE’S TOOOOOOO MUCH TO DO!!!

We all seem to get caught up in buying gifts, throwing parties, decorating the house, working extra hours to pay for the gifts etc., that we forget that the holidays are a time of love and connection. We’re so busy running around like crazy people that we fail to take time out and just enjoy the season.

The holidays are a time for families to come together to relax and enjoy one another. They’re a time to create wonderful memories with lots of laughs, love, and traditions. Although this may sound like more stress to many of you, the truth is it only takes a few moments.

RELATIONSHIP POWER PACK: ADDING A LITTLE TENDERNESS TO YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

I’m very excited to announce the arrival of my new Couples Power Pack and my new Parents Power Pack! These three-in-one card deck packs consist of Tender Sprinkles, Tender Coupons, and Relationship Cornerstone cards.  These are great tools for adding a little spark to your romantic relationships and a little connection and fun to your relationships with children. You can use them for yourself or give them away as gifts to your family and friends.

Below are brief descriptions of each card set followed by one suggestion on how to use the cards in your
relationships. Feel free to contact me with any questions, suggestions, or feedback at

l.merlobooth@charter.net.

Until then, buy a pack today and add a little tenderness to your relationships!

THANKSGIVING: APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE

So often we get caught focusing on all the negatives in our lives to such a degree that we forget about the positives. We end up concentrating on all the things that bring us down; the things we don’t have, our financial struggles, the last argument we had with a loved one and a thousand other negatives we can’t seem to shake.

In the midst of all the negatives running through our heads, we forget that we have a lot of things to be thankful for.

I’m as guilty of this as anyone. For example, I’ve just spent much of my day dealing with technical difficulties related to a new product I’ve created. I’ve been so focused and annoyed about the glitches that I haven’t even thought about how cool it is to launch my first product. The glitches are an inconvenience; my product is an exciting new step.

So in honor of Thanksgiving, I’m going to take the time to be thankful…what a novel idea I know and here it is:

MODERATION WITH CELEBRATIONS: THE IMPACT OF ALCOHOL IN RELATIONSHIPS

The Fourth of July has finally arrived. As a result, there are parties abound; days off work, family gatherings, fireworks flying, delightful foods, and of course…alcohol flowing.

As with many holidays, this seems to be the common mix for celebrations. Often, this mix can lead to a great deal of connection and fun—an opportunity for families to connect without having the weight of work on their shoulders. When done in moderation, celebrations are a great respite for many couples and families. When celebrations are not done in moderation however, they can be a recipe for disaster.

In my experience, a key culprit to tipping the tables from fun to disaster is…alcohol. It’s important to remember that alcohol lowers inhibitions. This means that some people will become more gregarious, while others will become more obnoxious, mean-spirited, and/or difficult. Either way, this often leads to many difficulties between partners (and others).

VALENTINE’S DAY: IGNORE THE HYPE--KEEP THE MESSAGE

I keep reading about the stress that occurs as a result of Valentine’s Day and I can’t help but wonder why. Why do so many people place so much value on this day? Do we think that if our partner has been irresponsible, mean-spirited, and selfish throughout our relationship, a nice, thoughtful, present erases that history? In contrast, if our partner has been kind, loving, and relational throughout our relationship, does that get thrown out the window if s/he only buys us a card?

I’m a firm believer in moderation. I don’t believe Valentine’s Day requires a magnificent gift and nor do I believe it’s in our best interest to do nothing. Valentine’s Day can be a wonderful reminder to do what we should be doing all year—act as though we truly care about our partner. It’s a reminder to not take our loved one for granted. It doesn’t take an earth-shattering feat to accomplish this. It does however take something…

It takes a moment to pause, slow down, and show, in both our actions and our words, that we feel blessed to have our partner in our lives. We can do this with a card, a flower, a teddy bear, a poem, a dinner, a tender moment, etc. The most important thing is that we do something--with a tender heart.

The reason doing something is so important is because so many other days out of the year, life caught up to us and we forgot to take the time to show our love. All those days went by and we allowed ourselves to take our loved ones for granted.

Valentine’s Day is the day we stop and take notice. No major “splash,” just a genuine act of tenderness.

TIPS TO STAYING ON TRACK WITH YOUR RESOLUTIONS

The following article was written by a colleague of mine. I hope you find it helpful in your determination to keep up with your resolutions.
Enjoy!

Resolving to Resolve
By Kim Leatherdale, ATR, LPC

People use the turning of the year as a time to make changes in their lives; however, less than a quarter of resolutions come to fruition. Here is a list of ten ways you can help your New Year’s resolution succeed.
1. Examine your resolution. Ask yourself who you are doing this for; the answer should be you. Make sure you feel energized and excited by the resolution, not frustrated by the thought of it. If you feel negative about it before you even start, you will never finish. If you have failed multiple times on this goal, how can you change it so it motivates you?
2. Write your goal down. All good planners know writing something down helps it happen. As you write put some thought into it, look at what exactly you want to achieve, and make it specific.
3. Make it a commitment not just a maybe. Put your energy into making it happen. Having a clearly stated resolution helps. For example: “I will have X amount of money in the bank by the end of the year” is more motivating than “I want to save money.”
4. Tell others and check in with them. Find positive supportive people who will ask you how your steps are coming. Plan to meet with them regularly, even via email. Talk with others who are strongly working on their resolutions; help each other.
5. Make a step by step plan including timetables. Once you have a clear goal stated, you can break it into steps, a perfect way to track your progress over the year. In the money example, you divide the total amount into fourths and check your account every three months to see if you have made your quarterly goal.