Straight Talk On Relationships

THE POWER OF WORDS: WATCHING THEIR IMPACT ON THE FACE OF A CHILD (There’s Nothing like A Little Tenderness in Relationships)

This past week my daughter Rylee got to choose a Tender Coupon from the Kids Power Pack. She looked through the pile several times and narrowed her choice down to three cards: Have a friend over within the next seven days, Choice of family restaurant or movie, or One day filled with compliments and positive comments.

I was sure she would pick the friend… Imagine my surprise when she picked the compliments!!!

She held the coupon for a couple days and then came up to me this morning and turned in her Tender Coupon for: ONE DAY FILLED WITH COMPLIMENTS AND POSITIVE COMMENTS.

I gave her a great big hug and showered her with compliments…the grin on her face was priceless.

R-E-L-A-X…FOR THE HOLIDAYS: Relationships and the holiday season

Every year it feels like the hustle and bustle of the holidays creates a terrible strain on couples and families. Forget about the giving spirit, sitting by the fireplace peacefully snuggling, or quietly sipping eggnog while decorating the Christmas tree; there’s no time for all that…THERE’S TOOOOOOO MUCH TO DO!!!

We all seem to get caught up in buying gifts, throwing parties, decorating the house, working extra hours to pay for the gifts etc., that we forget that the holidays are a time of love and connection. We’re so busy running around like crazy people that we fail to take time out and just enjoy the season.

The holidays are a time for families to come together to relax and enjoy one another. They’re a time to create wonderful memories with lots of laughs, love, and traditions. Although this may sound like more stress to many of you, the truth is it only takes a few moments.

RELATIONSHIP POWER PACK: ADDING A LITTLE TENDERNESS TO YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

I’m very excited to announce the arrival of my new Couples Power Pack and my new Parents Power Pack! These three-in-one card deck packs consist of Tender Sprinkles, Tender Coupons, and Relationship Cornerstone cards.  These are great tools for adding a little spark to your romantic relationships and a little connection and fun to your relationships with children. You can use them for yourself or give them away as gifts to your family and friends.

Below are brief descriptions of each card set followed by one suggestion on how to use the cards in your
relationships. Feel free to contact me with any questions, suggestions, or feedback at

l.merlobooth@charter.net.

Until then, buy a pack today and add a little tenderness to your relationships!

THANKSGIVING: APPRECIATE WHAT YOU HAVE

So often we get caught focusing on all the negatives in our lives to such a degree that we forget about the positives. We end up concentrating on all the things that bring us down; the things we don’t have, our financial struggles, the last argument we had with a loved one and a thousand other negatives we can’t seem to shake.

In the midst of all the negatives running through our heads, we forget that we have a lot of things to be thankful for.

I’m as guilty of this as anyone. For example, I’ve just spent much of my day dealing with technical difficulties related to a new product I’ve created. I’ve been so focused and annoyed about the glitches that I haven’t even thought about how cool it is to launch my first product. The glitches are an inconvenience; my product is an exciting new step.

So in honor of Thanksgiving, I’m going to take the time to be thankful…what a novel idea I know and here it is:

MODERATION WITH CELEBRATIONS: THE IMPACT OF ALCOHOL IN RELATIONSHIPS

The Fourth of July has finally arrived. As a result, there are parties abound; days off work, family gatherings, fireworks flying, delightful foods, and of course…alcohol flowing.

As with many holidays, this seems to be the common mix for celebrations. Often, this mix can lead to a great deal of connection and fun—an opportunity for families to connect without having the weight of work on their shoulders. When done in moderation, celebrations are a great respite for many couples and families. When celebrations are not done in moderation however, they can be a recipe for disaster.

In my experience, a key culprit to tipping the tables from fun to disaster is…alcohol. It’s important to remember that alcohol lowers inhibitions. This means that some people will become more gregarious, while others will become more obnoxious, mean-spirited, and/or difficult. Either way, this often leads to many difficulties between partners (and others).

VALENTINE’S DAY: IGNORE THE HYPE--KEEP THE MESSAGE

I keep reading about the stress that occurs as a result of Valentine’s Day and I can’t help but wonder why. Why do so many people place so much value on this day? Do we think that if our partner has been irresponsible, mean-spirited, and selfish throughout our relationship, a nice, thoughtful, present erases that history? In contrast, if our partner has been kind, loving, and relational throughout our relationship, does that get thrown out the window if s/he only buys us a card?

I’m a firm believer in moderation. I don’t believe Valentine’s Day requires a magnificent gift and nor do I believe it’s in our best interest to do nothing. Valentine’s Day can be a wonderful reminder to do what we should be doing all year—act as though we truly care about our partner. It’s a reminder to not take our loved one for granted. It doesn’t take an earth-shattering feat to accomplish this. It does however take something…

It takes a moment to pause, slow down, and show, in both our actions and our words, that we feel blessed to have our partner in our lives. We can do this with a card, a flower, a teddy bear, a poem, a dinner, a tender moment, etc. The most important thing is that we do something--with a tender heart.

The reason doing something is so important is because so many other days out of the year, life caught up to us and we forgot to take the time to show our love. All those days went by and we allowed ourselves to take our loved ones for granted.

Valentine’s Day is the day we stop and take notice. No major “splash,” just a genuine act of tenderness.

TIPS TO STAYING ON TRACK WITH YOUR RESOLUTIONS

The following article was written by a colleague of mine. I hope you find it helpful in your determination to keep up with your resolutions.
Enjoy!

Resolving to Resolve
By Kim Leatherdale, ATR, LPC

People use the turning of the year as a time to make changes in their lives; however, less than a quarter of resolutions come to fruition. Here is a list of ten ways you can help your New Year’s resolution succeed.
1. Examine your resolution. Ask yourself who you are doing this for; the answer should be you. Make sure you feel energized and excited by the resolution, not frustrated by the thought of it. If you feel negative about it before you even start, you will never finish. If you have failed multiple times on this goal, how can you change it so it motivates you?
2. Write your goal down. All good planners know writing something down helps it happen. As you write put some thought into it, look at what exactly you want to achieve, and make it specific.
3. Make it a commitment not just a maybe. Put your energy into making it happen. Having a clearly stated resolution helps. For example: “I will have X amount of money in the bank by the end of the year” is more motivating than “I want to save money.”
4. Tell others and check in with them. Find positive supportive people who will ask you how your steps are coming. Plan to meet with them regularly, even via email. Talk with others who are strongly working on their resolutions; help each other.
5. Make a step by step plan including timetables. Once you have a clear goal stated, you can break it into steps, a perfect way to track your progress over the year. In the money example, you divide the total amount into fourths and check your account every three months to see if you have made your quarterly goal.

A NEW TAKE ON AN OLD TRADITION: NEW YEAR’S THEMES VS RESOLUTIONS

I first heard about New Year’s Themes, rather than resolutions, from the life coaching world. A New Year’s theme may be: "Come alive in 2005" or "Go for more in 2004". All themes don't have to rhyme; they just have to feel right--to you.

A theme will be something you wrap many of your goals around. For example, for your personal life, your theme for 2007 may be health. In this case, you would focus on nutrition, doctor appointments, exercise, yoga, etc., throughout the year. The health theme would help provide a focus for your goals the entire year. Your theme is the container and the goals are the contents.

In general, I recommend coming up with a theme in three areas of your life: relationships, work, and personal. Creating three separate themes further helps with clarity and focus. The health theme may work great in your personal life however, in your work life it may not be as much of an issue for you.

In addition to creating a theme, it’s important that you break all goals into small chunks. One way I do this is to have a specific focus each month. For example, if your theme for relationships this year is connection, you may want to start by reconnecting with old friends in January. In February the goal may be to finish thank you cards. In March, the focus may be cultivating new friends. You continue this throughout the year, breaking down the larger theme of connection into smaller, bite size goals each month. This helps to avoid overwhelm and is a great tool for keeping your New Year’s goals in mind the entire year.

HOLIDAY STRESS: Making it through the holidays without resentment

(Note: As you can see, I’m a bit behind this holiday season. I do apologize for not posting sooner and I thank those of you who are forgiving and continue to tune in.)

I decided to post about a phenomenon I frequently see during the holidays: women taking on significantly more of the holiday responsibilities than their partners.

During the holiday season, this may show up as women doing a majority of the gift shopping and then placing their partner’s name on all the gifts. Some women may even buy gifts for their in-laws and partner’s business associates. They may do all the party planning, make the preparations, decorate the interior of the house, and cook wonderful appetizers, entrees, and desserts for these parties. They then clean up for everyone.

I don’t know about you, but I’m getting resentful just writing all this. Of course, this is not true for all couples, and some families where this is true, may not mind at all. However, for those women who can relate to this and who are tired, worn out, and feeling a tad bit resentful--stop working so hard. It’s time for you to take a break.

I realize this is much easier said than done and… it’s a lot easier than you think.

PUT RELATIONSHIP CONFLICTS ASIDE FOR A DAY…AND GIVE THANKS

The holidays can often be a time of stress for families. It seems as though we humans have a tendency to get caught up in the details of things and forget to enjoy the bigger picture.

Thanksgiving is a time of giving thanks. It’s a time to get off the chaotic, goal driven, performance-based treadmill of life, and take a moment to take a breath, look around, and appreciate everything you have been given in life.

Stop running, sit still, and appreciate what you have.

Think about all the loved ones in your life and be thankful they are there. Ignore, for one day, all the things you are not getting from them, and instead focus on what you are. Put all business aside for 24 hours and refuse to pick up the phone, or answer e-mails, or make excuses of any kind, to not be present for your family.

Take a moment during the day, perhaps around the Thanksgiving Day table, to express your appreciation for your loved ones. Let your spouse know all the things you love about him/her. Tell your children you know they are wonderful human beings whom you love very much. Express something positive to your parents. Share whatever form of appreciation that feels genuine to you. If it’s out of character for you to do this--do it anyway.

Give your loved ones a gift this Thanksgiving: be present, warm up, show love, and enjoy one another’s company. One day out of an entire year, is not a lot to ask for. Your family deserves it and so do you.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Challenge: Commit to putting work on hold for the entire day and night of Thanksgiving. Focus on your family; verbally share your appreciation for them, be present—physically and emotionally, and act loving.

P.S.: Thank you readers, for taking the time to read my blog, share your comments, and push me to grow.