Straight Talk On Relationships

RELATIONSHIP TERMINATIONS: IS IT TIME TO LISTEN TO YOUR PARTNER OR WILL IT BE TOO LATE?

I recently saw a couple who were on the brink of divorce. In fact, it was pretty clear that he was three quarters out the door. He was adamant that if some key things didn’t change in an instant, he was out.

She wasn’t buying his complaints all that much and thought he exaggerated. As we went through the session, what he was complaining about was very evident.

After hearing both sides, I began to work with the wife. I was clear that what her husband was saying about her was in fact true. She could be cold, demanding, and verbally abusive. I went on to discuss the impact of this on their children, their marriage, and her life. I stressed that if she chose to continue doing what she was doing, her marriage would be over (according to her husband) and her children were likely to continue to be cold and aloof toward her. The future, I predicted, would be fairly lonely.

She got it. She listened to what her husband, I, and her children had said to her, and she took a deep breath and took in the information that so many people in her life had attempted to tell her before now. Fortunately for her and her family, she understood.

GREAT RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE GREAT LISTENING…BUT HOW DO YOU DO THAT WHEN YOUR PARTNER’S COMPLAINING ABOUT YOU?

Here are some helpful tips to keep you on track when your partner is upset about something you did and wants you to listen:
• Listen to understand where your partner is coming from. Your job is to put yourself in your partner’s shoes for a moment and get a clear picture of what is going on for her/him. You do not have to agree with what s/he is saying; you simply have to understand it.
• The only thing in your head while you are listening should be your partner’s words—not your rebuttals (i.e., “That didn’t happen Wednesday, it happened Thursday”; “Is she crazy?”; “I didn’t say no, I said I doubted it.”)
• If you find yourself getting triggered and/or reactive, close your mouth, take a slow deep breath to regroup, and get centered. Do not speak until you are in a calm, centered place and you’re sure you can speak relationally.
• Do NOT interrupt, defend, explain, minimize, or turn the issue around on your partner. These behaviors are likely to get you into an argument and will leave your partner frustrated, to say the least.

THE ART OF LISTENING IN HEALTHY COUPLES: ARE YOU A SAFE LISTENER?

Being a safe listener is necessary for true intimacy to occur. One way to think of intimacy is “Into–me-you-see”; it is the sharing of two individuals about themselves. If one or both partners use what is shared, against the other person, it’s not safe to share. If it’s not safe to share, intimacy is blocked.

Many couples get tripped up around listening. They get caught in trying to defend their position, prove their point, turn the tables on their partner, and a host of other non-helpful behaviors. Poor listening has lead to many arguments, hurt feelings, frustrations, and very “cool” nights.

In order to listen safely there are a few necessary ground rules to live by:

• Things spoken in private stay private. If your partner shares something that is particularly personal, sensitive, or touchy for him/her, it is your job to protect that information and hold it close to your chest. Feel privileged that s/he shared it and honor your partner’s privacy regarding that information.

COMMUNICATION IN RELATIONSHIPS: If you want your partner to share with you, you must be a soft landing.

I often hear women complain about their partner’s lack of emotional connection, reluctance to share, or frequent withdrawal at home. They are often so angry about this that they can barely contain themselves. When I ask how they handle this, they often spit out a list of behaviors that include yelling, screaming, crying, pleading, complaining, demanding, and at some point giving up. If I ask the famous Dr. Phil question, “So how’s that working’ for ya?” they often reply that it’s not.

A long time ago I handled this issue much differently than I do today. You see, before, I would assume that the man was totally off base and needed some help learning how to connect. What I’ve since realized however, is that while this can be the case in some situations, it is not the case nearly as often as I thought.

Many men would love to speak to their wives—if they were safe to speak to.

LISTENING IS A SKILL FEW PEOPLE HAVE

Have you ever had this experience: you’re talking to someone, they are aware of the words you are speaking, but they don’t seem to be listening?

I’ve often had that experience. I’m sorry to say, so has my husband (yes, with me…).

We human beings are often so caught up in our own world we forget we are also a part of other people’s worlds. We get excited, stressed, worried, or elated. about what’s happening with us. And we don’t realize what’s important in the lives of our loved ones.

Listening requires that we step out of our bubble. It asks us to step into the lives of others. This means more than just poking our ears out. We have to truly shut out the things going on in our life that keep us distracted. For just a little while we need to step into the life of another.

LISTENING IS PIVOTAL

Listening is a pivotal skill in relationships. When we do it well, it can create a soul-nourishing moment; when we do it poorly, it can wreak havoc. The reason it is so pivotal is because human beings like to be heard. We believe we have something important to say and we want others to listen. When we don’t feel as though we have been heard, we… speak LOUDER. When that doesn’t work, we – SPEAK LOUDER still. This can go on incessantly until either we give up out of frustration, give a 20 minute lecture or get into a screaming match and bully our way into “being heard.”

Unfortunately none of these approaches work, although you wouldn’t know it by how often they are used. If you want to learn to listen better, then you have to stop talking long enough to listen. Close your mouth, open your ears and pretend you care about what the other person is trying to tell you. Pretend your partner is your best friend or a highly respected mentor and listen from that place -- you may be shocked to find out that what they have to say is actually meaningful.

Challenge: Focus on truly listening to your partner for the next two weeks. Commit to not interrupt, get defensive or throw the responsibility back on your partner. Try for two whole days to listen as though your partner were someone you greatly admired and had the utmost respect for. Take note of any changes when you listen from this place.