Straight Talk On Relationships

WOMEN AND DIVORCE: THE SILENT EXODUS

Mary and Stan came into my office after 17 years of marriage.  Mary was quiet and sullen as she said she didn’t want to be married anymore.  Stan was shell-shocked.  He was certain Mary was going through a mid-life crisis.  Mary was clear she had been feeling this way for years, but hadn’t wanted to hurt him.

Mary is one of many women who have come into my office over the years, clear that they no longer wanted to be married.  In almost every case the men were shocked.  In some cases, the women had been telling the men for years they were unhappy, but the men were not listening.  In other cases, the women said very little and thought the men should just know.  In all cases, the women left the marriage long before they actually walked out.

Below is an excerpt from one of my blog readers, Chris, who sent me an e-mail asking about this very dynamic.  Here is what Chris had to say:
“About six months after my father died, my wife came to me and said she didn't like me this way and wasn't sure if she loved me anymore.    It wasn't long afterwards that she left.  I had returned from a week long business trip and she didn't even come to pick me up at the airport.  She had moved out.  The reason I tell you this whole story, is that I'm not the only man who has had this happen (especially recently).  In fact, it is happening to men right now like a plague.  I have a couple of friends and acquaintances that have had this happen to them recently as well.  The question I have is -- why are women leaving men for "independence, freedom, romance and passion" when these men are supportive, healthy, kind and loving people?  Chris

CHANGING ME, CHANGES WE: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR PARTNER IS REACTIVE AND/OR INTENSE

I often talk about women setting limits on men, however in this post I want to discuss men setting limits on women.  In particular, I am referring to conflict-avoidant men with high intensity, reactive women.

A common couple combination I see in my office is quiet, conflict-avoidant men, with angry, controlling and reactive women.  The women are often furious at the men for not talking, being passive-aggressive and making agreements that they seldom keep.  Upon closer inspection, it’s clear that the men are, indeed, all those things. 

What’s often missing, however, from this picture is the other side of the equation—the women. 

Many of the women in these types of couples become intense, critical and furious when they don’t like something the man did or didn’t do.  They yell, scream, make threats and become demeaning.  In response, the men cower, turn passive-aggressive and go underground. 

MEN…AFRAID OF WOMEN? WHY MANY MEN ARE AFRAID OF THEIR PARTNERS AND WHAT TO DO ABOUT IT

Throughout the years, I’ve worked with many couples in which the man was highly reactive and prone to rage, control, and verbal abuse; not surprisingly, the woman was often scared of his anger.  After living with the reactivity for several years however, the women in these types of relationships often get fed up and bring the men in as a last ditch effort:  he either stops raging or she’s leaving.  If he truly wants the marriage, he stops the rage and the marriage transforms.  If he doesn’t, the marriage is often over.

 

This is not the case however, in my experience, when the tables are turned and the woman is the highly reactive one.  In this situation the man is often so fearful of the woman that he does not call her on her behavior at all.  He’s afraid she will get angrier, retaliate, make threats, or get hysterical, so he tries to placate her and wait until she calms down. 

 

Unfortunately, this seldom works in the long run.  If her reactivity doesn’t subside and he’s too scared to deal with it directly, many men begin to escape via work, affairs, porn or depression.  

 

A TIP SHEET FOR MEN WHO STRUGGLE WITH BEING RELATIONAL

Women cannot stress to me enough how non-relational their husbands or partner are.  Unfortunately the men often respond to these complaints by saying the women are overly critical and insatiable.  They end up ignoring the complaints, changing nothing, and saying anything they did would never be enough for her anyway.

Unfortunately, a high percentage of these men are paying a heavy price for this lack of skill.

For those men who are brave enough to work their relationship muscles--in spite of how your friends or our culture will respond--here’s your cheat sheet on how to move a little beyond respect and into more connection:

1. When your partner is sharing her day with you---please do not move into solving.  Men often struggle with wanting to solve everything for women.  When they actually sit down to hear about their wife’s day, they immediately move into fixing it:  “Did you try this?”  “Next time you should say this.” “Your boss is out of line, you should go back and tell him…”  Stop solving!!! When you respond to your wife’s sharing by trying to solve something you’re implying that she’s incapable of solving it herself.  This is incredibly frustrating for your wife.  You’re also assuming that there’s a problem to be solved.  Often women share just to relay information, not to change something.  Sit back, listen and do not solve unless you have been explicitly asked to do so.