Straight Talk On Relationships

FROM HOUSEWIFE TO PARTNER: ARE YOU COURAGEOUS ENOUGH TO MAKE THE SWITCH? Teamwork in Relationships

I noticed a tweet on Twitter this morning that said, “Hubby has the day off so he's home. So I can't play around like I normally do. I have to clean and cook and all of that crap. Ugh.”  When I re-tweeted this with a “Why?” at the beginning of the retweet, this is the response I got back: “Guess I feel like I have to live up to the "housewife" name when he's at home ;).”

I’m sure this person is not alone in her thinking.  I know many women who believe they have to take care of 90% of the housework in addition to being the primary parent for the children.  Many of these same women also work full time jobs outside the home.  Some do carry the bulk of the household load because they believe this is just what women do—that’s the way it is.  Others believe that if they didn’t do it, no one else would.  They may fear that their partner would become angry at any demands put on him.  They also fear that asking for help would upset the family system.

The fact that these women carry the bulk of the load is not necessarily the problem.  If a woman likes to be in charge of the household and children, then there’s no problem with her taking on that role.  The problem arises however, when she takes all this on out of a sense of duty, obligation or fear.  Taking on the bulk of the family and household responsibilities out of duty, obligation or fear is the quickest road to resentment, depression and miserable relationships.  It is not a gift to your family—it is an anchor dragging you down.

LAYOFFS, FINANCIAL STRUGGLES & JOB INSECURITIES: WHAT SHOULD COUPLES DO?

More and more couples are feeling the ripple effect of a struggling economy.  Layoffs are a reality for many couples.  Even those couples who currently have jobs are often fearful they won’t have them for long.  Couples are struggling to get through these times without losing their homes, jobs or entire savings.

Not surprisingly, all these concerns can take a toll on relationships.  Under increased stress, couples tend to fight more, have less patience with one another and can distance from one another if they’re not careful.  Fear and anxiety can leave us all somewhat ragged if we don’t keep it in check.  For those couples feeling the stress of the economy, here are a few tips to help you to stay centered and connected through the stress:

1.    Remember that you’re a team.  The reality is that what effects one of you, affects both of you.  If you’re the one who is facing a layoff, remember that it is not just your issue.  Talk to your partner about what’s going on so you can both put your heads together and address the issues as a team.  When one partner tries to handle everything alone it creates distance between the couple.  It also uses only half the resources available.  If one partner is particularly anxious about the future, it’s helpful for the other partner to try to be more grounded.  A little anxiety is fine, however it will not help your family if you are both feeding off one another’s anxiety.  Someone needs to be the calm voice that says things will be okay.  It’s okay if that role shifts back and forth—as long as that voice is somewhere in the equation.

MEN, WOMEN AND ANGER: SHOULD THE WORLD ACCEPT RAGE FROM BOTH MEN AND WOMEN?

A blog writer from the blog Tres Sugar in the UK writes in a post: “While uncontrolled anger or physical violence is nothing for either sex to be proud of, does it bother you that women are expected to be ashamed of their anger since society often tolerates male rage?” http://www.tressugar.com/5455426

I found this to be an interesting comment.  My take is our society should stop tolerating male rage, NOT, start tolerating female rage.  Rage is abusive regardless of whether it’s coming from a man, woman or child.  The last thing we need is to be more tolerant of rage rather than less tolerant.  

What do you think?

Challenge: Read the link and tell us what you think.

REMOVE THE PHRASE “YOU’RE TOO SENSITIVE” FROM YOUR LIST OF RESPONSES IN YOUR RELATIONSHIP

In my work with couples, I’m constantly hearing men tell their partners, “You’re too sensitive”. They often say this in response to the women complaining about how the men are speaking to them.  The women complain that the men are harsh or derogatory in how they speak to them and the men complain that the women are too sensitive.

Ironically, I had to chuckle this morning when I corrected my son about his tone and his response was…yep you guessed it:  “Mom, you’re too sensitive”.  Actually, I would’ve chuckled I suppose, if I weren’t so annoyed by the dismissiveness of the comment. 

Many people believe that if they don’t intend to have a tone, that they don’t have a tone.  Many also believe that if they don’t think they’re being disrespectful or speaking harshly, then they’re not.  Because they don’t agree with the complaint, the problem must therefore be that the other person is too sensitive. 

THE ART OF BEING SUPPORTIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS

When we first enter relationships it seems as though our relationship IQ is in the genius range.  We’re loving, great listeners, good sharers and incredibly supportive.  The longer we stay in relationships, however, it seems as though some of us develop relationship dementia -- we simply forget how to be in a relationship. 

This effect is similar to the one I see when I’m training therapists across the country in Terry Real’s Relational Life Therapy Model.  When I’m running a workshop, the therapists are quite adept at speaking about the concepts of the model when we are in lecture format.  When they are placed in a role-play situation, however, their IQ’s drastically decline.  For the participant role-playing the therapist, it’s as though there is an IQ vacuum that sucks 50 IQ points out of their brains—and adds 50 IQ points to the therapists who are observing.  Because this phenomenon is so universal, we all laugh, normalize it and have a lot of empathy for the person in the “brain-drain chair.”

Regarding relationships, however, the brain-drain is anything but a laughing matter.  It seems the longer a person is in a relationship, the larger the brain-drain effect.  This is particularly true around supporting one another.  Couples in the honeymoon stage are brilliant supporters.  They are encouraging, understanding and great motivators.  Of course, in the early stages of a relationship there is very little to lose by encouraging your new loved one to take risks, leave their job, start a new business, etc.  Your finances, future and children are not wrapped up in that risk.  As the relationship progresses and your life is more intertwined with your partner’s, this level of support is much more difficult to give.

KNOWING YOU’LL BE OKAY OFTEN IS THE CATALYST FOR GREAT CHANGE IN RELATIONSHIPS

One of the biggest obstacles I find with creating relationship change is fear.  Too often one person in a couple is so afraid of losing the relationship that they accept the unacceptable.  One person may choose to stay with a partner who is openly having an affair.  Another person may agree to participate in swinging, even though they have no interest in doing so.   Still another person may choose to stay in an emotionally and/or physically-abusive relationship even though they can’t stand it.

The bottom line is people accept the unacceptable in relationships all the time.  They accept poor treatment, not because they think it’s okay, but because they’re afraid not to accept it.  They’re afraid that if they actually put their foot down and set a limit, they might lose their relationship.  Many people are so afraid of losing a relationship that they won’t even discuss a difficult issue, let alone set a limit around one. 

The problem, however, is that you can’t be in a great relationship if you can’t speak up for yourself.  If you walk on egg shells or silence yourself because you’re fearful of your partner leaving, then you don’t really have a relationship—you have an unhealthy dependency.  Until you’re able to face this dependency head on and work through it, you will be stuck in an unhealthy relationship. 

LESSONS TO LEARN FROM ROMAN POLANSKI: What constitutes rape in relationships?

I’m struck by the controversy over Roman Polanski’s alleged rape of a 13-year-old girl. 
•    Whoopi Goldberg isn’t sure what to call it, but she’s clear that "I know it wasn't rape-rape. I think it was something else, but I don't believe it was rape-rape." 
•    More than 100 people, including Martin Scorsese and Woody Allen, have signed a petition objecting to the arrest of Roman Polanski.
•    Debra Winger demanded Polanski's release and criticized Swiss authorities for their "philistine collusion" in arresting Polanski as he entered the country for a festival.  "This fledgling festival has been unfairly exploited, and whenever this happens the whole art world suffers," Winger said in a statement on Monday, standing together with the other four international jury members, who wore red badges reading "Free Polanski" as they announced plans to continue the fest. (Kate Harding, The Fugitive)

It seems that some people are confused about what constitutes rape.  Roman Polanski allegedly lured a 13-year-old girl to a home under the pretense of his taking photographs of her for Vogue magazine.  He then allegedly fed her champagne and Quaaludes and then raped and sodomized her.  He pleaded guilty to having sex with a minor, allegedly because the girl’s mother asked to make this deal in order to spare her daughter a painful trial.  Roman Polanski was 43 years old at the time; the girl was THIRTEEN.  If you’re unclear about what is and is not rape, let me help you get clear:

•    If you have sex with someone without their consent…it is rape.  Those below the “legal age of consent,” are, by law, too young to be able to give their consent.  Thirteen is well below the legal age of consent.  Giving consent also means as adults they do not—at any point—say no, stop it, I don’t want to or anything close to this.
•    If you give someone drugs or alcohol to “loosen them up” so they will be sexual and you have sex with them against their protests…that is rape.
•    If you give a 13-year-old drugs and alcohol and then have sex with her…it is rape.  If you’re 30 years older than her and you do this…you’re a pedophile and a rapist.

5 THINGS NOT TO SAY WHEN YOU FIRST ENTER THE HOME IF YOU WANT A LOVING RELATIONSHIP

My last post was about the power of greetings and goodbyes.  Over the years I’ve seen a few particularly poor greetings and thought I’d pass them along since part of doing something well often requires that you know what doing something poorly looks likeJ.  Here’s a look at what NOT to say when you first enter your home and greet your loved ones:

 

1.  This place is a mess!  Don’t you ever do anything?  Even if the place is a mess, have some manners and say hello to your family or partner if you haven’t seen them all day.  You can deal with the mess after you’ve been relational.

 

2.  You look terrible, what happened to you?  The last thing your partner needs to hear is how bad they look after a long day.  I’m sure there are days when you don’t look so hot either.  Keep it to yourself and instead offer support.  This is also a poor line to use if you’re angry at your partner for gaining weight.  Seldom have I seen negative criticism and sarcastic comments lead to amazing weight loss.  Usually they lead to a passive-aggressive response of more eating and increased weight gain. 

THE POWER OF THE 2 G’S IN RELATIONSHIPS: Greetings and goodbyes

Couples are busy, stressed, financially-strained and often running on E.  People are frequently coming home, walking past their partner, barely saying hello to the children and burrowing their heads in computers, Blackberrys, televisions, etc.  So many of us are trying to hold so many things in our heads that we forget about the most important thing—relationships.

In an effort to help all couples everywhere, I want to talk about the importance of the two Gs:  greetings and goodbyes.  These are very powerful moments in relationships.  One starts off the relationship on a good foot while the other ends it on a good foot.  

You can think of them in terms of the primacy (first, i.e. greeting) and recency (last, i.e. goodbye) effects.  Just as research shows that the primacy and recency effects are powerful forces in terms of sequences (the most remembered components are the first and last.  For example, the first or last person in a debate, speech, audition, etc.) so are they in terms of relationships.  The greeting is the first thing that happens and often sets the stage and mood for what’s to come later.  The goodbye is the last thing that happens.  Typically, we hold the first thing and the most recent interaction in our memories the longest.  The mundane stuff that happens in the middle often gets lost in the shuffle of our brains.

RELATIONSHIPS AND SETTLING: IS FEAR KEEPING YOU FROM HAVING THE RELATIONSHIP YOU DESIRE AND DESERVE?

Men and women everywhere are settling:

 

• Sarah has been with Lou for two years.  He’s successful, handsome, kind and an all-around great guy.  Unfortunately, her feelings toward him are more like that of a brother than a lover.  She feels bad – as if something’s wrong with her.  She’s afraid to leave him because there aren’t a lot of great guys out there.
• Sally’s been with Scott for six years.  Their relationship has been difficult from the start.  He’s cheated on her twice, talks down to her and dismisses her complaints constantly.  Sally’s torn because they have a long history together, they have a great sexual attraction to one another and she’s getting older.  Scott wants to marry her and is pressuring her to say yes.
• Frank loves his wife very much, but her anger and control is hard to live with.  She yells at him, the kids and even neighbors if she doesn’t like something they do.  Frank wishes she would be a little calmer.  He’s too afraid to say anything to her because he knows it will just escalate things. 

 

I could give numerous examples of people settling out of fear and I’m sure you have a few of your own.  It seems when it comes to relationships, many people live by the premise the devil you know is better than the devil you don’t.  This, however, is a lie we tell ourselves.  The devil is the devil no matter how you look at it.  Staying around and wishing things would change is wasting your life…and your partner’s.