In The Name Of God

I am struck by the things people say and do, “in the name of God.”  In a May 13 sermon to his congregation, Pastor Charles L. Worley, of Providence Road Baptist Church in Maiden, N.C., said, "I figured a way to get rid of all the lesbians and queers.  Build a great big, large fence – 50 or a 100 miles long – and put all the lesbians in there.  Fly over and drop some food.  Do the same thing with the queers and the homosexuals, and have that fence electrified so they can't get out.  Feed them.  And you know in a few years, they'll die out.  You know why?  They can't reproduce." http://tinyurl.com/cp6q683

The irony of a pastor preaching to his congregation about the “sin” of homosexuality by advocating imprisoning homosexuals within an electrified fence until they die is so outrageous it’s almost comical.  It’s not comical though; it’s toxic and dangerous.  Similarly, the irony of people vehemently fighting to stop abortions because it’s “murder” only to condone killing the doctors who are providing abortions is also so absurd as to almost be comical…except it’s not—it’s also dangerous.

I see this type of extreme communication throughout my work with both couples and individuals.  In an effort to be heard, far too many people go to the extremes.  Countless people and organizations think that if they believe strongly enough about something, they have the right to get that point across in any manner necessary -- even if it means encouraging hate and murder.  Too many people also believe that the poor behavior of someone else is a green light for their own poor behavior.  Both these ideas are dangerous.  The strength of one’s convictions does not give anyone the right to boldly blast others, condemn others or harm others.  A pastor, of all people, should know this, preach this and live this.

In The Name Of God

The things people say and do, “in the name of God,” strikes me.  In a sermon to his congregation on May 13, 2012 Pastor Charles L. Worley of Providence Road Baptist Church in Maiden, N.C., stated, "I figured a way to get rid of all the lesbians and queers.  Build a great big, large fence – 50 or a 100 miles long – and put all the lesbians in there. Fly over and drop some food. Do the same thing with the queers and the homosexuals, and have that fence electrified so they can't get out. Feed them. And you know in a few years, they'll die out. You know why? They can't reproduce." (http://tinyurl.com/cp6q683)

The irony of a pastor preaching to his congregation about the sin of homosexuality by way of condoning locking homosexuals up behind an electrified fence until they die is so outrageous it’s almost comical.  It’s not comical though; it’s toxic and dangerous.  Similarly, the irony of people vehemently fighting to stop abortions because it’s “murder” only to condone killing the doctors who are providing abortions is also so absurd as to almost be comical…except it’s not—it’s also dangerous.

I see this type of extreme communication throughout my work with both couples and individuals.  In an effort to be heard, far too many people go to the extremes. Countless people and organizations think that if they believe strongly enough about something that they have the right to get that point across in whatever way or manner that is necessary—even if it means encouraging hate and murder. Too many people also believe that the poor behavior of someone else is a green light for their own poor behavior.  Both of these ideas are dangerous.  The intensity of one’s emotions in response to someone’s poor behavior or the strength of one’s convictions does not give anyone the right to boldly blast others, condemn others or harm others. A pastor, of all people should know this, preach this and live this.

The Assumptions We Make And How They Hurt Us

People make assumptions about other people all the time.  We assume we know what others are really thinking, why they’re doing what they’re doing and what they really mean rather than taking them at their word.  The problem with making assumptions about why others are doing what they’re doing is that we almost always assume the negative.  If we get triggered by someone’s actions, nine times out of ten we will assume the worst of intentions on the other person’s part.  Seldom do we assume positive intentions.

Too often we jump to a conclusion that is not only wrong, but is also often hurtful.  For example, if our children are not responding to us, we quickly assume they’re rude and disrespectful.  If our partner is quiet and sullen, we assume they’re mad at us and don’t want to talk.  A parent can give us feedback and we assume it’s because all they see is the negative in us. 

In everyday life we make assumptions all the time about other people.  Although there may be times when our assumptions are correct, the reality is more often that they are incorrect…and strongly negatively slanted.  For example, my friend Steve told me about a time when his child was gushing blood from a head wound and needed to get to the hospital fast.  Steve got his son in the car and went as fast as he could to the hospital. On the way, he had to pass a slow-moving car.  The driver of the slow car proceeded to honk, give my friend the finger and yell a few choice words at Steve.  Steve felt bad that the guy was so mad and wished he could tell him why he had to move past him.  I remember thinking at the time about all the cars I’ve been annoyed with, that I assumed were just obnoxious people driving selfishly…hmmm.  While I’m sure not all of them were driving a loved one to the hospital, I’m also not sure how many were caught in a bad day, were afraid of losing their jobs, just found out their partner was having an affair and on and on.

Women And The Quest For Perfection

As a human being, I am acutely aware that mistakes are a part of life.  I will make mistakes, my friends will make mistakes, my family members will make mistakes, the people who work for me will make mistakes and even my mentors will make mistakes.  This is an inevitable part of life.  As a women, parent, friend, wife, business owner, leader, mentor etc., you need to know that mistakes happen to the best of us…and no one is immune. 

It will serve you well when you can learn to accept this aspect of life rather than getting freaked out by it.

Too many women expect perfection.  Women across the board put an enormous amount of pressure on themselves and their loved ones to reach extremely high goals with few, if any, mistakes along the way.  When a mistake is made or an unrealistic goal isn’t met, women often begin to micro-manage others to ensure additional mistakes are not made.  They hover over their children doing their homework, re-load the dishwasher that was “improperly” loaded or simply take on everything in the house so they can do it “right”. Doing everything right or perfect, of course, is an impossible feat—given that we are all human--resulting in an overstressed mother, a resentful wife and a tense home environment.

In their quest for perfection, women may become harsher and more critical in response to mistakes.  Not surprisingly, this reaction creates more mistakes because children become disempowered, nervous and afraid of their mom’s reactions.  Ironically, the woman’s attempt to minimize mistakes simply makes them grow exponentially with each of her punitive responses.

In life it will serve not only you, but also those around you as well to learn to accept that we are each imperfect.  Imperfection is one of the inevitable aspects of our humanity.  There is nothing we can do to change this reality.  No matter how hard you, as a woman, try, your children try or your partner tries…mistakes will happen.  You will make mistakes and so will those around you. 

Know that mistakes are not the problem.  The problem is their aftermath -- people defending, rationalizing or passing off their mistakes onto someone else.  Mistakes are often your greatest learning opportunity.  Instead of shaming your children for making mistakes—teach them to learn from them. Instead of assuming your way to load the dishwasher is the only right way—try making room for the “right” way of others. 

Breathe.  Relax.  Let go.

Stop demanding perfection.  Perfection is an impossible feat for you, your family or any human being on this planet.  See mistakes as learning opportunities rather than proof of incompetency, laziness or stupidity.  If the same person is making the same mistakes again and again—then worry.  Until then, normalize mistakes, learn from them and allow those around you the space to be imperfect…even if mistakes will be made along the way.

Challenge: As a woman, look at the extraordinary demands you put on yourself and those around you.  Begin to loosen the reigns on both.  The next time you or a loved one makes a mistake…PAUSE…BREATHE…and refuse to shame.  Look at the gift in that mistake and learn from it.

Because You Can Doesn't Mean It’s Okay

Because your employees don't say anything when you grope them--doesn't mean your groping isn't sexual assault.   Your blatant disregard for another person’s body is a tragic abuse of power.

Because you can have an affair and not get caught—doesn’t make having an affair okay. Your affair harms your partner’s soul.

Because your partner is too afraid to leave you -- doesn’t mean it’s okay to treat them with contempt.  Your entitlement is cold and out of line.

Because your wife stays out of desperation, while you continue to cheat -- doesn’t mean your selfishness is okay.  Your cheating is burning your house down.

Because so many other people are “doing it”—doesn’t mean it’s okay to do it.

Because, out of fear, people don’t set limits on your rage -- doesn’t mean you have the right to bully.  Your rage is abusive.

Because you can get away with being mean, critical and controlling—doesn’t mean it’s okay to be mean and controlling.  Your control tells those around you that they’re not enough.

Because others cower to your anger and intimidation—doesn’t make it okay that you instill fear.  Your intimidation breaks relationships and breeds another generation of bullies.

Because your husband is afraid of your outbursts—doesn’t make it okay that you act out of control.  Your reactivity keeps those around you walking on eggshells.

Because your children think you can do no wrong—doesn’t make it okay to act as though you are God.  Your grandiosity shows your children they don’t matter.

Because there’s a saying that “what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas”—doesn’t mean that what goes on behind closed doors doesn’t hurt.  Your “free pass” is a false justification that will take its toll on your family and your life.

Too many human beings are behaving in less than humane ways.  We hurt, intimidate, cheat, lie and on and on without taking the time to truly look at the damage these behaviors cause—not only to those around us, but to ourselves, as well.  When we are out of integrity, it impacts our world and us.  Just because we got away with something doesn’t make it okay that we did it.  Just because your spouse never found out about your affair—doesn’t mean it was a harmless act. 

We are what we do...and what we do impacts and influences us.  The more we act without integrity, the more we begin to see ourselves as having no integrity.  Soon it becomes easier and easier to do things we never thought we would do.  Soon we begin to surround ourselves with unprincipled people so we don’t feel so bad...or out of place.  These new people behave without integrity and we, as a group, pull one another down and then condone it so we all feel better. 

Don’t fool yourself.  You are what you do—regardless of how you rationalize, justify or explain it.  If you lie—you’re untrustworthy.  If you cheat—you harm.  If you rage—you instill fear.  The behavior, responses or actions of others do not alter this equation.  Figure out who you want to be in this world and then step behind that vision.  Stop thinking that if others agree, stay silent or simply never find out, your actions are okay.  Deep down you know better than that…we all do.

Challenge: Look at the excuses you make for in-excusable behaviors.  Stop excusing them and start mending them.  Refuse to give yourself the green light to behave out of integrity.  It doesn’t matter whether or not everyone else is doing those behaviors.  If they’re hurtful, stop doing them.  Take the high road and stop excusing poor behavior.

 

Women And Relationships: Cleaning Up The Toxicity

I’m often shocked at the way women can treat one another.  It seems as though we can be one another’s greatest support or worst enemy.  When we like someone, there’s nothing we won’t do for them.  When we don’t like someone—well, it can get very ugly. 

Far too many women can be catty, mean and vindictive if we don’t like a person.  It’s as though we got stuck in our Junior High persona and forgot to mature and grow up.  We talk poorly about how other women dress, how they talk, who they date, how they walk, how they live their lives and on and on. 

Sometimes our cattiness is about our own insecurities; other times we gossip and trash-talk other women as a way of connecting to the women in front of us.  Some of us get vindictive when we feel we’ve been wronged, while others of us are just doing what we know.  Because cattiness is so common, many women are unconscious of the impact of cattiness on others. 

Bad mouthing another person helps us feel better about ourselves in the moment.  When others join us in this, we feel a sense of belonging and perhaps even popularity.  We forget, however, that while we may feel good cutting down someone else, the person we’re cutting down feels like sh*t.  Most of us can look back and remember being on the other side of gossip, cattiness or mean-spirited behavior.  When you’re the one on the receiving end of it, it is anything but connecting or fun—it’s a miserable place to be.

Addressing Jealousy From The Start

Over the years I’ve seen countless relationships entangled in the spider web of jealousy.  Jealousy can hit men and women of all ages and is often highly destructive and very difficult to live with.

Jealousy can initially show up as the other person wanting to spend a lot of time with you.  In the early stage of a relationship, it can seem very flattering for your partner to want to constantly be with you.  Soon, however, wanting to spend time with you turns into not wanting you to spend time with anyone else or wanting to know where you are all the time.  They may start calling/texting throughout the day to check up on you.  If you don’t answer, they may become angry, text or call non-stop until they get you a response or they might go out and find you in person.  At the extreme, a jealous partner may not want to let you out of their sight. 

Because jealousy can start off as flattering, some women aren’t aware of how bad it is until things become extreme.  The extremes of jealousy include control, intimidation, rage, abuse, threats and total lack of trust.  Living with someone who is highly jealousy can often feel like living in a prison; your every move is being monitored and weighed. 

What Are You Asking For? Is It Truly What You Want Or Is It What You Think You Will Get?

An interesting thing happens with countless women when it comes to asking for what they want.  Far too often they get stuck in the pattern of asking for what they think they’ll get rather than asking for what they truly want.  As you can imagine, this is creating a lot of struggles for far too many women. 

Here are a few examples of what I mean:
•    Susie says she would like to have a raise, but is certain her boss would say no.  She decides to wait until he brings the topic up and hopes he notices her hard work. 
•    Karen doesn’t want to sleep with the guy she’s dating until they have an agreement that each of them is exclusive.  She is highly doubtful that he would agree to that though, so she decides to stay quite, sleep with him and hope for the best. 
•    Janice wants to ask her 75-year-old father to stop calling her names when he gets angry.  She’s certain he’ll get angry at the request and won’t stop the name calling, so she decides to learn how to accept his anger. 

When women want something, we often filter our desire through the lens of whether or not we think we can or will get what we want.  If we think the other person would never give us what we really want to ask for, then we often change our request to something we think we have a better chance of getting.

What The Catholic Church And Penn State Tragedies Have In Common

I don’t even know where to begin when it comes to the tragedy at Penn State.  I cannot for a moment imagine the rage, anger and overwhelming sadness I would have had it been my son who was allegedly raped in a college shower stall by a grown man.  Add to that horrific life-altering assault, the fact that another grown man witnessed the rape and…told his father?  And his father advised his son—who just witnessed a 10-year-old boy being raped -- to tell a…football coach?!  Now mind you this football coach isn’t your average football coach—no way.  This football coach is the king of all college coaches...so he’ll know exactly what to do, right?  Wrong.  The horror unfortunately doesn’t end there, because the larger than life football coach then tells…his boss?  And so on, and so on, and so on…until one day, NINE years -- and who know how many victims -- later, the alleged perpetrator is officially charged with sexually abusing eight boys.

Hmmm, is this sounding familiar?  Does it sound like the tragedy that occurred over decades in the Catholic Church?  Here are just some of the similarities, as I see them:
1.    All the “players” in the Catholic Church and Penn State affairs are key men in key positions in their institutions. 
2.    In both situations, the “good ole boys” worked their butts off to protect…their own.  They were very loyal to…keeping “the secret.”  Their silence, cover-ups and minimal interventions allowed the sexual molestation to not only continue, but to thrive. 
3.    The silence, minimal interventions and passing on of the problem to other equally unprincipled men of power make each and every single one of these priests and men complicit in the rape and molestation of countless innocent children in our world.  Harming the reputations of their institutions is the least of their offenses.

Taking The High Road: Revenge Is Seldom Worth It

It’s not at all uncommon for women (and people in general) to want to exact revenge on someone in their life who has “wronged” them.  If their husband had an affair, women often want to make him pay.  If they’re too scared of losing him as a result of their revenge or anger, they may try to make the “other woman” pay by calling her family up and informing them of the affair.  Some women may try to take every last penny they can get from their cheating spouse, make visiting the kids a near impossible feat or shout out from the rooftops what a louse this man is.  Revenge is often tempting in non-romantic relationships as well—in the workplace, between friends and among family members.

Countless people have revenge fantasies when they’ve been hurt, cheated or shamed.  The pain is often so intense that people don’t know what to do.  Because a woman often has an intense feeling of injustice and humiliation, she may want the other person to feel the pain she feels.  Sometimes this desire can consume her every waking thought and lead her to do things she never thought she’d do.  In the moment, she is certain that revenge will help relieve the pain.

Unfortunately, exacting revenge is often bittersweet.  Getting revenge may feel good for a moment, but that feeling seldom lasts.  When we try to hurt someone as they hurt us, we stoop to their level.  In our effort to get back at them, we end up hurting ourselves.  The “perpetrator” then ends up taking up more of our time and attention than they deserve.  Lowering our sense of integrity just to get even ends up chipping away a little part of us.  When we allow someone’s behavior to lead us to do something that we wouldn’t normally do, we give him or her too much power.  Why give them that power?