Straight Talk On Relationships

WHAT’S YOUR LENS AND IS IT HELPING OR HURTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

Often we have a view of our partner that does not serve our relationship well.  For example, if my view of my partner is that he’s selfish then, if I’m not careful, I can easily interpret 90% of his behaviors as selfish. 

 

In essence I could create a “selfish” lens from which I view all his actions.  So if one day he forgets to take out the garbage, and another day he has a migraine and doesn’t take out the garbage, my lens doesn’t allow me to process the difference between those two different, yet seemingly same acts.  My lens leads me to assume the worst from my partner which leads to greater frustration and negative feelings, on my part.

 

Seldom is this negative lens present in the early stages of relationships.  In fact, when relationships are newer, we tend to see our partners through much rosier lenses; we’re more than happy to give our partner the benefit of the doubt.  We see our partner’s actions as mistakes or perhaps an oversight.  Rarely, at the beginning of a relationship, do we interpret our partner’s actions as out to get us, or selfish, or a sign of his or her lack of character.  We simply deal with the behavior and try not to make it a huge issue.

 

TRANSFORMING BAD RELATIONSHIPS INTO HEALTHY ONES: THERE'S NO QUICK FIX

People often talk about how unhappy they are in their relationships.  They complain about their poor sex life, lack of connection, mistreatment, their partner’s habits, and so on.  They wish things would change and say they are willing to do anything to make that change happen…until of course I tell them what to do.

 

In my experience, there are several distinct groups of individuals, two of which include:  those who want change and are willing to work like crazy to make change happen, and those who want…those around them to change.   The second group is looking for the magic pill or the quick fix.  They don’t want to work harder than their partners and they certainly don’t want to go first; so they wait, they complain, and they wish.  They do not however change.

 

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, then before you start complaining about it, decide whether you are unhappy enough to do something about it or just unhappy and in the wishing stage:  wishing it would get better, wishing your partner was home more, wishing…(fill in the blank). 

STOP IGNORING THE PROBLEM AND START SPEAKING ABOUT IT: Ignoring issues in relationships, does not mean there are no issues

 

Sally has been away a lot during the past month due to business.  Subsequently her husband has had to take on a great deal of the household responsibilities and raising the kids. They are fortunate because both of their schedules are fairly flexible and allows for one of them to be home at all times.  When Sally returned home from traveling however, she was tired.  She was not prepared to step back into the domestic work mode especially since her husband was doing such a great job.

 

The problem is her husband was tired too.  He was happy to pick up the slack while she was away, however he would’ve liked to have his partner back sharing the load with him upon her return.  He didn’t want to make a big deal about it yet he could feel himself getting more easily frustrated with everyone at home and he was beginning to feel resentful.

 

If Sally and her husband don’t speak about what’s going on for them soon, their relationship is going to feel the strain of all the unspoken resentments, upsets, and stresses.  Sally doesn’t speak up because she wants to rest and figures if her husband is unhappy he’ll say something; she doesn’t want to make up a problem if there isn’t one.  Her husband on the other hand is a nice guy and wants to help as much as he can.  He knows Sally’s been working hard and he’s had some time off so he figures things will get better and back to normal soon.  He’ll just continue what he’s doing and hopefully Sally will start helping out more.

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: LOVE IS IN THE ACTION NOT THE THOUGHT

How many times have you heard someone say they’re not very affectionate, not much of a “feelings” person, or not one to wear their heart on their sleeve etc…?  I hear these statements all the time and they’re all cop outs. 

 

I’ve heard both men and women use these statements as a way of excusing their lack of warmth toward their partners.  In fact, I myself have used some of these very statements throughout much of my young adult life.  I did not want to be vulnerable and I certainly was not going to be the first one to share my feelings.  It wasn’t until my relationships ended (because my partners didn’t feel I cared about them) that I realized that vulnerability, emotional intimacy, and risk are a necessary part of loving relationships. 

 

Today, I see many people who haven’t learned the lesson I was fortunate enough to learn.  They continue to be invulnerable, self-guarded, and emotionally shut down—all to the detriment of their relationship.  They believe that simply being in the relationship, working hard to financially support the family, and being faithful, should be enough proof of their love.  It’s not.

 

MARRIAGE MYTH: MARRIAGE IS THE ANSWER TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP PROBLEMS

Many people seem to think that when there is a problem in a relationship, getting married will make it disappear.  I have no idea where this thought or fantasy came from but let me be clear…it is NOT true.

 

In fact, not only does marriage not cure what ails an ailing couple, it actually intensifies it.  Put another way:

• Partners who are mean prior to marriage…get meaner after marriage.
• Drinking problems that were present before the marriage…often intensify after the marriage.
• A partner who cheats prior to the wedding date…is likely to cheat after the wedding date.
• Someone who stays out all night with his/her friends when dating…will probably stay all night when married.

RELAXATION AND RELATIONSHIPS: THE ART OF PUTTING RELATIONSHIPS BEFORE TASKS

Have you ever known anyone who just couldn’t sit down?  S/he would be folding the laundry, mowing the lawn, straightening up an already clean house, weeding, gardening, exercising, taking a bike ride, running to the store, washing the car, waxing the car…ugh, I’m tired just writing about it.  In essence this person does anything and everything except relax.  People who struggle with this constantly keep busy…and, as a result, they put tasks before relationships.

 

While I was away on vacation this past week, I noticed how difficult it was for some people to just relax.  They were constantly cleaning up after others, straightening chairs, getting people food, getting people drinks, setting the table, cleaning the table, moving the chairs, organizing a game, playing a game…and on and on.  It was exhausting watching them.  It can also be uncomfortable and distancing. 

 

Constant tasks often serve as a wall that keeps any kind of connection or intimacy at bay.

 

I see this with many of the couples I work with.  One partner is constantly on the go while the other partner is repeatedly asking for a little down time together.  The result…frustration, distance, and…a well-kept house.

 

BEING RELATIONAL EVEN WHEN YOUR PARTNER IS NOT PRESENT…THE IMPORTANCE OF AVOIDING PARTNER BASHING

 

It never ceases to amaze me how poorly people speak of their partners when not in their presence.  I hear women bad mouthing men in general, and their partners in specific, often.  I hear men making derogatory statements about their wives to their friends who laugh and give the “all knowing” men’s club look; you know, the one that says, “Oh yeah, we know how women can be” (nudge, nudge).  It seems the women are sure the men are no good, pigs, and the men think the women are irrational bitches. 

 

Hmm, doesn’t seem to be a great recipe for love, respect, and partnership to me:  Does it to you?

 

Women and men, both, need to stop acting like adolescents and begin to be relational regarding each other--in front of the other sex, and behind their back.  If you go to your friends to talk about what a louse your husband is or what a bitch your wife is, the only thing that is likely to result, is further distance.  

 

Whenever a group of friends or acquaintances are joining around the ill of another gender, they are off.  If you’re in a group of women and you join in while they are degrading men, you are degrading your father, husband, brothers, sons, grandsons, etc.  Likewise, if you join in with a group of men in the degradation of women, you are degrading all women; your mother, wife, sisters, daughters, grand-daughters etc. 

 

CRITICAL RELATIONSHIPS (Part II): GET OFF YOUR BACK??? HOW ABOUT ACTUALLY DOING SOMETHING AND THEN I’LL GET OFF YOUR BACK--DID YOU EVER THINK OF THAT?!

A NOTE TO WOMEN

In my previous post I wrote about men feeling as though they can never do anything good enough for their partners.  My suggestion was for them to make sure that when they say they’re going to do something that they not only actually do it, but they also make sure to do it well. 

Now it’s time to look at the woman’s side of this equation--the frequent criticisms, anger, and control.  Let me start by saying… “I get it”; I totally get that when you have to ask your partner to do something a thousand times before he does it (if he does it at all), it can be frustrating…to say the least.  I also get that if your partner truly is irresponsible and either doesn’t do what he says he’s going to do, or if he does a mediocre job at best when he does do something, that it’s beyond frustrating.  I get it--I really do. 

AND… your response to what he does or does not do is equally as important and impactful to your relationship as his actions are.  Regardless of whether he is doing what he says he will do or doing it well, you still have to be respectful.  His irresponsibility does not justify your being controlling, critical, and contemptuous. 

CHILDREN AS OUR TEACHERS: CHOOSING HAPPINESS OVER SELF-RIGHTEOUSNESS

A very wise client sent me the following clip a while ago (thank you):

Boston Globe columnist Linda Weltner tells a story about being at a playground, watching children at play.  Two children got into an argument over a toy, had nasty words, separated and then came together moments later to continue playing.  Ms. Weltner asked a mother sharing the bench, “How do children manage to be so angry with each other one minute, and then the best of friends the next?”  The mother said, “It’s easy.  They chose happiness over righteousness.”

Children not only know how to forgive, they also know that enjoying times with their friends is a top priority.  The longer they waste fighting, the less time they have for fun…and they are all about having fun.  Seems like a pretty simple equation to me.

RELATIONSHIP STRUGGLES… HOW MUCH STRUGGLE IS TOO MUCH?

There are so many conflicting messages in the world about relationships that people don’t know what to expect or even hope for in their relationships.  On the one side we hear that relationships are hard work and at the other end we hear that if you marry your soul mate, everything should be smooth sailing.

So what’s the truth?

My belief is that relationships take time to form, attention to grow, and nourishment to stay strong.  This can be hard work, however, most of the work is time and attention--not constant struggles filled with harsh comments, intense fighting, or cold silences. 

There’s a difference between putting time into something, versus working like a dog constantly to be heard, respected, and cherished.   I believe that relationships take time and effort.  I do not believe they should be an endless dance of pain and sorrow followed by occasional moments of joy.