Why Take The High Road?…And By The Way, What Is The High Road Exactly?

Across the world people struggle in difficult conversations, times of upset, painful discoveries etc.  When people become upset or angry they often want to lash out, seek revenge, shut down or explode.  Saying calm, cool and collected as the saying goes, is often the last thing humans want to do when hurt or upset.

Sometimes people lash out for the sole purpose of causing the other person pain so they “get” what it feels like to be hurt.  Other times the lashing out is simply a knee-jerk reaction.  Regardless, though, of why human beings lash out when hurt, I’m sure all of us can understand the pull to want to do so.  After all, who can’t understand the desire to yell, scream and rage at your spouse for having an affair with your best friend? I totally understand wanting to do that and more!

…And, I also know—that freaking out on a spouse because of an affair, or on a friend in response to them saying mean things, or to a co-worker for putting your job in jeopardy—is not going to serve you.  The last thing you want to do is make life harder for yourself by reacting in the extremes.  When you’re able to respond to life’s most difficult circumstances with grace, calm and strength, you will feel better and heal faster.  The bottom-line when it comes to handling life’s most difficult moments is to always remember to take the high road—even when those around you are behaving atrociously.

Below are five reasons to take the high road:
1.     When you respond to hurtful behavior by acting like a crazy person--people will see you as a crazy person.  When you respond with integrity—others begin to look at the other person as though they are the unhealthy one.
2.    When you freak out in response to someone else’s freak out—that person ignores your message and simply thinks, “You think I’m crazy—look at you.”  Your poor behavior gets in the way of them seeing their own poor behavior. 
3.    When you’re able to act with calm and integrity in the face of someone else’s hurtful behavior, it feels empowering, healthy and internally strong.
4.    When you can stay calm in the most difficult of moments, you avoid the “reactivity hangover”.  There’s no shame, self-hatred, regret or embarrassment about what you did.  You can hold your head high and feel good about you.
5.    When you stoop to the other person’s level you are off.  Take the high road knowing that the poor behavior of others is NOT a green light for your own poor behavior.

Taking the high road means to act with integrity at all times—not just the good times, happy times or respectful times.  Harming another physically, spiritually or emotionally is out of integrity—even in response to an affair, lies or manipulations.  Don’t stoop to some else’s level and claim your behavior is okay.  Stay respectful, set limits, take care of yourself and then decide how you’re going to intervene in such a way that you’re respectful of yourself and the humanity of the other person.  Avoid the awful feeling “reactivity hangover” and remember that although seeking revenge or going off on the person may feel great in the moment—that feeling seldom lasts forever.

Challenge:  If you’re struggling with someone else’s hurtful behavior, pull back, breathe, calm your heart rate down and dare to take the high road.  Refuse to act like an out of control raging person.  Settle yourself and respond with calm, strength and grace.  You will feel better for it and can hold your head high under the most difficult of circumstances.

Giving In Relationships

I often talk about women not settling in their relationships and wanted to remind women (and men) that it’s equally important to be giving in their relationships.  All relationships are a balance of give and take.  We all have to be able to set limits when we need to while also being compassionate and relational will all those in our inner circle.  So below is a quick cheat sheet for how to give.  Always remember that whenever you choose to give something—even if it’s a small compliment—you do so with an open heart.  Don’ give with resentment or because you think you have to—give because you want to and it’s the loving thing to do.

10 ways to give:
1.    Smile.  Greet those around you with a genuine smile.  Show them you’re happy to see them—it costs you nothing and it feels great to the other person.
2.    Kiss hello and good-bye.  Never forget the importance of the two G’s: greetings and good-byes.  A quick kiss or hug can go a long way in someone’s day.  Too often we slowly stop doing these until one day kisses and hugs feel so awkward that we no longer do them. 
3.    Ask about their life.  This person is in your life for a reason—get curious.  Ask about what’s going on in their life—if it matters to them, it should matter to you too.
4.    Give compliments.  Don’t be stingy.  Compliments are an example of what I call “tender sprinkles”.  Tender sprinkles are like making a deposit in our relationship bank accounts.  They help carry us through the hard times and remind us about what feels good.
5.    Say, “I love you”.  Say the words and follow them up with loving actions. This is especially true for men. If you're not comfortable with saying these three words--tough.  get over it and speak them.  your partner and your children should never have to surmise that you love them. Just say the three words!

When Life Throws You A Curve Ball

These past two weeks have been a bit crazy.  While I was in LA giving a workshop, my sister, who also happened to be in LA at the time, was in a car accident.  She was hit by a drunk driver and sustained several injuries, including a broken nose and fractured cheekbones.  Due to her injuries, flying was not an option, so we ended up going on a road trip from Los Angeles, California to Ft. Lauderdale, Florida.  Needless to say it was a bit of a curve ball in both our plans.

Here are some of the things I learned—and am still learning -- from this experience.  I hope you find them helpful. 
When life throws you a curveball:
1.    Do the right thing—not the easiest thing.  I know that if the tables were turned, I would be hoping to God that the people in my life would do whatever was necessary for me to be okay.  The reality is that curve balls don’t come at the most opportune time.  It’s our job to notice they’re there, get our priorities straight and do the right thing.  The world will have to wait.
2.    Know that some things will have to be dropped.  Sometimes you have to forego some things or push them aside and you have to let go of the guilt that comes with that.  Allow yourself the space to be where you truly need to be—you can catch up to the world later; they don’t need you now.
3.    Give with a good spirit.  If you are going to help someone, then truly help.  Do not be resentful and act as though they owe you anything.  They don’t.  Remember that if the tables were turned, you would want the same.

Women, Compliments And Confidence

Earlier this week my teenage son and I were watching a co-ed basketball game and were struck by two observations.  First, the boys were not passing the ball to the girls nearly as much as they were to the boys.  Second, the girls were practically hiding on the court.  My son turned to me with frustration and said, “I hate how girls have no confidence.  Why is that?  And why can’t girls ever just take a compliment?”  I said, “It’s interesting to watch the girls hide and think they’re terrible while the boys think they’re the most amazing players on earth.”  We both laughed for a moment and then talked about this all too common dynamic. 

I was very aware that many of the girls on the court that day would grow up to be women who hide as well.  I know this because I see it every day with women.  I watch women struggle to find their voice, twist themselves into a pretzel to keep a relationship no-one should be keeping and to trust that they are worthy.  And, yes, women struggle with compliments!

Below are a few lessons I’ve learned along the path of life.  I hope women will learn from them as well:
1.    Confidence is attractive.  Knowing in your heart that you are important in this world and standing in that knowledge without conceit or arrogance is very empowering and highly attractive.
2.    Downplaying yourself is unattractive.  Hiding out so others don’t see you is uncomfortable for those around you and toxic to your sense of self and self-esteem. 
3.    The greatest response to a compliment is “Thank You.”  Do not deflect someone’s compliment of you either to fish for more or to manage your anxiety.  Take it in and be appreciative.
4.    Speak your truth or you will lose yourself.  Too many women wake up and say, “I don’t even know who I am anymore.”  Losing yourself is a slow process that occurs one unspoken word or false action at a time.  Eventually they add up until one day you realize you’ve lost yourself.
5.    Feedback is a gift—even difficult feedback.  The critique and upset of others is the greatest mirror of ourselves.  If we want to learn and grow, we have to look at our reflections.
6.    Perfection is unattainable and a set-up for failure.  We will make mistakes.  Others will make mistakes.  The need for perfection is a wound from childhood that will drive you and everyone around you crazy if you don’t let go of it.
7.    Accountability is courageous and necessary.  Owning our mistakes, apologizing for them and not repeating them is like gold in relationships.  Stop being defensive and have the courage to just say, “My bad.  I’m so sorry.”
8.    Control is toxic to relationships—loosen the reigns.  Learn to let go.  Your way is not “the” way…it is “one” way.  Manage your anxieties instead of micro-managing the world.  You are the only person over whom you truly have control –control yourself.
9.    Do not give poor treatment.  The poor behavior of others does not justify your own.  Stay respectful even in anger.
10.    Do not accept poor treatment.  Do not allow others to treat you poorly for any reason.  Set limits when necessary and do so respectfully and calmly.

Over the years, I’ve seen many of these lessons play out in my own life as well as the lives of many other women.  Too many women are trying to prove themselves, win the attention/love/respect of others and be seen as worthy.  Until women learn to accept ourselves, love ourselves and know that we are worthy, we will all struggle in our lives and relationships.  You are worthy.  I am worthy.  We are worthy.  Know it, own it and LIVE it.

Challenge:  Look over the list above with an honest eye.  Give yourself credit for the lessons you live well.  Acknowledge the lessons on which you need more practice.  Choose one lesson at a time and work it until you have achieved significant change.  Then move on to the next.  Pat yourself on the back for each lesson learned.

 

Women Who Go After Attached Men

I was reading an article about single women interested in attached men.  I’m disgusted by what I read (http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/love-bytes/201201/women-and-mate-poaching).

According to Psychology Today author John Buri, “When presented bio information along with a photo of a relatively attractive man, fewer than 60% of the women surveyed were interested in pursuing this man if he was NOT currently attached.  But if this man was already in a committed  romantic relationship, 90% of the single women expressed a strong desire to pursue him.”
Buri goes on to report that, “When asked why they were particularly attracted to attached men, single women responded:
-  "Revenge - what goes around comes around."
-  "To see if I can - I love a good challenge."
-  "It's exciting - you're in the hunt."
-  "Because I can - and once I do, it's an ego boost."
-  "Because he's already been tested - he's pre-approved."

Women, really?  If you are looking for a man who is already in a serious relationship you have some personal work to do.  The thrill of the hunt is a callous, superficial way to live your life…and it certainly isn’t serving you any more than it is the marriages and families you are breaking up.  First off, if you are truly going after a man who is in a committed relationship, then even when you “get” him, you don’t “have” him.  If he’s going to cheat on “her,” he’s going to cheat on you...if he even leaves her...which they seldom do.  If you’re just going after him for the “hunt,” then pat yourself on the back that you “got” him and then celebrate your victory…alone?  How internally rewarding is that?  Either way you’re by yourself.  How does that help you? 

Do Apologies Belong In Leadership?

As many people know, Corporate America can be an incredibly stressful culture in which to maneuver.  Today’s economy has only compounded this fact.  Leaders are stressed, employees are stretched to their limits and lay-offs are all too common in many companies.  As a result of these pressures, people’s humanity, and the always- changing demands of business, people are making mistakes.  Not surprisingly, some of these mistakes are being made by the leaders, managers and owners of companies.  Even those in charge are not infallible or perfect.

The fact that those in top positions in business, government and even the world make mistakes is not the problem—at least not to me.  It almost seems like a no-brainer that every human being in the world—regardless of age, income or position--will make mistakes.  Mistakes are simply a part of life and our humanity. 

Leaders, however, often think they should explain, rationalize or justify their mistakes instead of just owning the fact that they messed up.  It’s an interesting phenomenon to watch CEOs, politicians, etc., worm their way out of a poor choice.  Having the courage to own your mistakes and speak genuinely about them is a high-end leadership skill.  It requires self-reflection, empathy for others and accountability. 

These are the very skills that leaders strive to pull from their own employees.  Leaders demand that those they lead be accountable, know their strengths and work on their weaknesses and that they provide the kind of excellent customer service that requires empathy for the customer’s plight.  Why, then, do leaders not model what they ask their employees to master?  When leaders duck from taking responsibilities for their mistakes, they create a culture of ducking.  They show those they mentor that above a certain level you must pretend to be infallible even if you are not.  Leaders who dance around accountability as though it were a hidden landmine model characteristics that would harm any company.  The mistakes are not the most damaging aspect of business...the way those mistakes are handled often is. 

Resentment In Relationships: Are Others To Blame For Your Resentment?

Resentments creep up in relationships all the time.  You’re resentful that your partner works all the time.  You’re resentful that your boss gave your co-worker a raise, but not you.  You feel resentment at your parents for the way they raised you and now expect you to take care of them.  You’re resentful that your children take advantage of you…and on and on.

The truth is that resentments can grow at an absurd rate if you’re not careful.  I say if YOU are not careful…because YOU are the only one responsible for your resentments.  Your resentments are not the fault of other people. 

Take that in for a minute…your resentments are not because of other people or their behavior. 

I realize that when you read the above statements it may be a bit difficult to take in, and even more difficult to actually believe.  You may believe that your feeling resentful at someone is, in fact, because of the other person’s behavior and therefore your resentments are the other person’s fault.  You may also feel very righteous about this. 

Honesty In Business—Is It Wise?

Throughout the years I’ve heard horror stories about lay-offs, firings, restructuring, and so forth.  Some of the more common stories include:
•    Company lay-offs being discussed for months among top management, but denied for just as long to the employees.
•    Sudden restructurings that require placing employees out-of-state with virtually no warning,
•    Security guards escorting long-term employees off the premises immediately following their lay-off.
•    Refusing to give employees any advanced warning about possible layoffs out of fear they may begin to look for another job.

I have no doubt that many people have either experienced these happenings first hand, know of someone who has or have witnessed these occurring.  Anyone who has been in any of the above situations knows they are quite painful.  Working with a company for many years only to be escorted out of the building following a lay-off is one of the most non-relational practices around. 

Many companies keep lay-offs secret and require security escorts because they think they are protecting their company.  They believe that being honest about company lay-offs is unwise.  They also believe that allowing an employee to remain in the building unsupervised for any extended time could be unsafe. 

Companies couldn’t be further from the truth, in my opinion.  The idea that lying to your employees is a wise decision is, frankly, crazy.  Running a business through fear is a losing proposition.  I believe that treating long-time employees as though they are suddenly unsafe to the company actually creates an unsafe environment—it fosters anger, shame and resentment. 

When You Don’t Take Care Of You, Other’s Don’t Take Care Of You Either

Over the years, I’ve worked with countless women who have centered their entire lives around taking care of others.  If their husbands wanted to take a job that involved excessive traveling, crazy work hours and almost no time with family—no problem.  The women would, in essence, become a single parent and pick up the slack for their husbands’ absences.  If the children wanted to be involved in countless activities, have their mother’s constant, undivided attention and limitless nurturance—by all means the women would become super moms and make that happen.  If their friends needed their help at the drop of the hat, again and again and again—no problem.  After all what are friends for, right?

The funny thing about working with all these women is they are often some of the kindest, most giving people you will ever meet.  They are also some of the most taken–advantage-of people I’ve met. 
•    The women with the traveling, workaholic husbands often come in heart-broken that their husbands have been having an on-going affair with a co-worker—while their wives keep the home life together so the husband can travel.
•    The “nurtured” children often boss “mom” around, talk disrespectfully and expect her to do what they want when they want.
•    Many of the women’s “friends” have a history of being very good at asking for help, yet not at all skilled at offering help.  The end result: the care-taking women end up giving and giving and giving, but receive very little in return (not only from friends, but from most people in their lives).

Here’s To The Abnormal Relationship And Setting The Bar Higher (Part II)

Recently I wrote about the first five characteristics or creating great relationships rather than “normal” ones.  Below is Part II of setting the bar higher and the remaining five of 10 characteristics of healthy relationships. Enjoy.

6.     Giving. Go out of your way now and then to do a kind act.  Take time to think about what the other person likes (not what you like) and that to them.  If they like to hear compliments—compliment; if they like to see actions—show them action; if they want you to listen better—tune in and listen.  Give them what you know they would love to receive rather than what you think they need.
7.     Mutuality.  Great relationships are about give and take.  There’s a natural rhythm of two people equally giving to the other.  In not so great relationships, it’s more common for one person to be the giver while the other person often takes.  Make sure you are neither the one always giving nor the one always taking.
8.    Personal Strength.  Cultivate the ability to set limits and hold your own in a relationship without squashing the other person in the process.  Being able to share your thoughts, ask for your needs and wants and to hold loved ones accountable for how they treat you are all imperative to great relationships.