Straight Talk On Relationships

CONTROL AND CRITICISM—A DEADLY COMBINATION IN RELATIONSHIPS…AND FAMILIES

Being critical and controlling is a tough combination for an individual to have.  It’s a deadly combination in relationships and families.  Often underlying this combination are issues related to perfectionism.  Perfectionism is an impossible weight to carry—for you and for those around you.

The hardest hit by criticism and control, I believe, are children.  When a parent is constantly correcting a child, the underlying message to that child is, “You’re not good enough.”  The parent ends up repeatedly fine tuning the child’s behavior:

•    Why did you color the girl’s hair purple?  Girls don’t have purple hair.
•    You should change those shoes—they don’t match.
•    That’s a nice story you wrote, but you didn’t have enough adjectives in it.
•    Those pants don’t fit you right.  They’re not very flattering.

ARE YOU COVERING FOR YOUR PARTNER’S RELATIONAL MALICE? IF SO, STOP IT AND ALLOW THEM TO FEEL THE BRUNT OF THEIR ACTIONS

I’ve heard so many stories through the years of people covering up for their partner’s rude, violent, insensitive, arrogant and general mean-spirited behaviors that I’m a bit shell-shocked from them.  Below are several real life examples I’ve heard, seen or experienced over the years.  Although names and identifiable details have been changed, the stories are true.

•    Karen and Fred are at a party when their son runs up crying because his brother just hit him.  Fred becomes furious.  His face turns red and he demands that his other son come over to him, “RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE, DAMN YOU!!!”  When his son comes over, Fred grabs him by the arm and yanks him away from the guests, yelling at him the entire time.  Karen looks at her friends and says, “His bark truly is worse than his bite.”  She then moves on to tell a comical story to lighten the tension.  When her husband returns she acts as if nothing happened and tells him she’s glad to see him.
•    Barbara and Stan are at a large family gathering, engaging in a large scale discussion with everyone at the table.  Barbara offers an opinion that differs from Stan’s.  Before she knows what happened, Stan throws his drink all over her.  Barbara makes light of it and pretends Stan was being playful.  She later acts as if nothing happened and the incident is never discussed again.
•    Betsy and John are out to dinner with friends.  John is ferociously flirting with Betsy’s friend, who is starting to feel uncomfortable.  When Betsy’s friend tells her that John is hitting on her, Betsy tries to brush it off by saying that’s just how John is.  She swears that John doesn’t mean anything by it.  When her friend tries to stress how disrespectful it is to Betsy, Betsy laughs it off and says it’s just a game she and John play with one another.  After all, she points out, she’s the one John will be going home with. 
•    Greg and Brenda are browsing through stores one afternoon, looking for clothes for Brenda.  When a salesperson doesn’t respond in the way Brenda wants, Brenda becomes enraged.  She begins to yell at the store clerk, call her names and become very intimidating.  Greg does the best he can to calm Brenda down and is finally able to coax her out of the store by joining in Brenda’s story that the sales clerk was rude.  He tells Brenda they should go spend their money in a store that will treat her better.  He never once addresses Brenda’s behavior.  He is just relieved that he got her to settle down.

RELATIONSHIP SILENCE: DOES SILENCE HELP YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND PROTECT YOUR PARTNER FROM PAIN?

I continue to see more and more female clients who’ve been unhappy in their relationships for years, yet have said little or nothing about it.  They’ve tried to do what their partners wanted, be sexual if their partners asked, not complain when they didn’t like something and be supportive of their partners at all costs.

After years of bottling everything up, the couples typically come into my office either because the women have threatened to leave the relationship or the men are unhappy with their sex life.  As I ask more questions, it’s evident that the women have been unhappy for years and the men had no idea.  Many of the women complained very little throughout the years, “hoping” they would feel more love for their partners.  When this didn’t happen, they lost all sexual desire for their partners and subsequently stopped having sex with them.

Often these women blamed their lack of sexual desire on themselves and continued saying nothing about their unhappiness in the relationship.  The men believed they were content.

VENTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS: IF YOU SAY IT, YOU MEAN IT...and it hurts

I'm shocked by how many people believe thier words are inconsequential when said in anger.  Throughout the years I've heard a myriad of excuses for people's hurtful words.  Here are some of the more common ones:

• It was no big deal, she know's I say things when I get mad.

• Give me break, I can't swear when I get mad?  Everyone swears.

• It wasn't that bad, she's just sensitive.

• He deserved it.  If he didn't do what he did then I wouldn't have been so angry.

• I didn't mean what I said, I was just angry.

Regardless of what your reason, saying hurtful things in anger is...hurtful.  It's hurtful to the person your speaking to, it's hurtful to your relationship, and it's hurtful to those in the vicinity who have to listen to it. 

ACTION VERSUS REACTION IN RELATIONSHIPS: Where is that pause button???

If you struggle with staying calm in times of upset, chances are you have a problem with reactivity.  If you find yourself frequently yelling, complaining, getting triggered about big things, small things, and even things that don’t have to do with you…chances are you struggle with reactivity.  If this continues, it’s likely to harm your health and your relationships.

 

Most people who are highly reactive blame their actions on the behavior of others and seldom think their reactivity is the problem.  They often justify their intensity because of the stupidity, irresponsibility, or thoughtless behavior of those around them.  They react, they believe, because others almost make them react.

 

The reality however, is they’re all highly reactive people.  People who’re highly reactive get annoyed fairly easily and respond to this annoyance or anger with intensity and no thought.  The repetitive thoughtless reaction creates significant problems in their relationships.

 

DO NOT ASK MORE OF YOUR KIDS THAN YOU DO YOURSELF: DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO…DOESN’T WORK

Mr. Smith was so angry at his son Scott that he could barely look at him.  Apparently Scott had been punching walls, swearing, and generally getting out of control, more times than not, when he was angry.  Mr. Smith had had it.  Mrs. Smith had had it.  Scott was annoyed that he actually had to sit there with his parents and this stupid therapist discussing his anger.  He thought it was ironic that all eyes were on him when he certainly was not the only one in this house who had anger issues.

 

You cannot imagine the look on Scott’s face when he heard this “stupid” therapist (yes the stupid therapist was me) ask: “So who else in this family has a hard time handling their anger?”

 

 You could have heard a pin drop.  Mr. Smith became indignant, Mrs. Smith shrunk in her seat, and Scott…he enjoyed every second, and of course did not hesitate to rat his father out. 

 

My response: “You can’t ask your son to do something that you, as an adult, are unable to do yourself”.

PART II: THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE IS THE ONE WITH YOUR SELF: Quick tips (numbers six through ten) to get you on the right track

Here are the remaining five tips to help you start creating a healthier relationship with yourself.  Best of luck and let us know how it goes!

TIPS 6-10:

6.  Do not excuse abusive behavior for any reason.  Too often people make excuses for their partner’s inexcusable behaviors by saying s/he was stressed, drunk, not feeling well, hurt, upset, depressed, etc.  Stop the excuses.  It doesn’t matter why someone’s mean to you, what matters is that they are mean.  We’re all stressed, struggling, worried, etc., at some point in our lives, that doesn’t give us the right to take it out on other people.  They need to stop that behavior or you need to move on.

7.  Own your worth.  Every single human being in this world has the same inherent worth as the next one.  No one is worth any more than or less than anyone else.  Every person is either someone’s son or someone’s daughter; a life is a life.  We are all equal.  Know this, own this, and live by this.  You have a right to be on this planet and your presence impacts this planet.  If you struggle with this then use affirmations to help strengthen your sense of worth.  State twenty-five times a day, for thirty days, the following:  “I am absolutely worthy to be in this world and I deserve to be treated well, by all people, at all times.”

THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE IS THE ONE WITH YOUR SELF: Five (of ten) quick tips to get you on the right track

Taking care of your is so vital to a healthy, fulfilling life that professionals, lay people, clergy, and even business organizations sing its praises.  The airlines stress it (put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then the children), therapists give it as homework (focus on positive self talk and affirmations), and life coaches center their businesses on helping clients achieve it (creating work and life balance).

Self care is vital to having healthy relationships yet so few people know how to do it.  Here are the first five quick, easy tips that will get you started on the right step for healthy relationships.  The next post will have the remaining five (in the spirit of keeping posts short but sweetJ).  Start incorporating these into your life today and feel the shift in your self and your relationships tomorrow.

1.  Remove ALL negative self talk from your life permanently.  When you make a mistake, look for the gift in it.  All mistakes have something to teach us so look for the lesson and stop with the put downs.  When you hear that inner voice calling you stupid, ugly, fat, or…(fill in the blank), silence it; don’t give it more than a second’s notice and remind your self that talking negatively is not going to help you or anyone else.

2.  Remove all disrespect from your life.  Know that you deserve to be treated well by all people, at all times…and settle for nothing less than that.  Also know that those around you deserve to be treated well at all times, by all people (including you) so do not be disrespectful to others under any circumstances either.

TRANSFORMING BAD RELATIONSHIPS INTO HEALTHY ONES: THERE'S NO QUICK FIX

People often talk about how unhappy they are in their relationships.  They complain about their poor sex life, lack of connection, mistreatment, their partner’s habits, and so on.  They wish things would change and say they are willing to do anything to make that change happen…until of course I tell them what to do.

In my experience, there are several distinct groups of individuals, two of which include:  those who want change and are willing to work like crazy to make change happen, and those who want…those around them to change.   The second group is looking for the magic pill or the quick fix.  They don’t want to work harder than their partners and they certainly don’t want to go first; so they wait, they complain, and they wish.  They do not however change.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, then before you start complaining about it, decide whether you are unhappy enough to do something about it or just unhappy and in the wishing stage:  wishing it would get better, wishing your partner was home more, wishing…(fill in the blank).

STAND BY YOUR MAN…TO DO OR NOT TO DO: SHOULD GOVERNOR ELIOT SPITZER’S WIFE BE STANDING BY HER MAN…LITERALLY?

Another one bites the dust; it seems as though the politicians in this country are dropping like flies.  Whether it’s a heterosexual affair with an intern, a gay affair with another man, or string of sexual indiscretions with prostitutes, things are heating up in the political world. 

Unfortunately it is not only the offending individuals who are paying the price.

The ripple effect of these betrayals is enormous, touching the lives of the spouses, children, colleagues, employees, and our entire political system.  The spouses are devastated, the children ridiculed and teased, employees are forced to clean out their offices while the next political target comes in, and the faith in our Nations’ political system is shaken once again.

The behavior of one, impacts the lives of many...