Straight Talk On Relationships

VENTING IN YOUR RELATIONSHIPS: IF YOU SAY IT, YOU MEAN IT...and it hurts

I'm shocked by how many people believe thier words are inconsequential when said in anger.  Throughout the years I've heard a myriad of excuses for people's hurtful words.  Here are some of the more common ones:

• It was no big deal, she know's I say things when I get mad.

• Give me break, I can't swear when I get mad?  Everyone swears.

• It wasn't that bad, she's just sensitive.

• He deserved it.  If he didn't do what he did then I wouldn't have been so angry.

• I didn't mean what I said, I was just angry.

Regardless of what your reason, saying hurtful things in anger is...hurtful.  It's hurtful to the person your speaking to, it's hurtful to your relationship, and it's hurtful to those in the vicinity who have to listen to it. 

ACTION VERSUS REACTION IN RELATIONSHIPS: Where is that pause button???

If you struggle with staying calm in times of upset, chances are you have a problem with reactivity.  If you find yourself frequently yelling, complaining, getting triggered about big things, small things, and even things that don’t have to do with you…chances are you struggle with reactivity.  If this continues, it’s likely to harm your health and your relationships.

 

Most people who are highly reactive blame their actions on the behavior of others and seldom think their reactivity is the problem.  They often justify their intensity because of the stupidity, irresponsibility, or thoughtless behavior of those around them.  They react, they believe, because others almost make them react.

 

The reality however, is they’re all highly reactive people.  People who’re highly reactive get annoyed fairly easily and respond to this annoyance or anger with intensity and no thought.  The repetitive thoughtless reaction creates significant problems in their relationships.

 

DO NOT ASK MORE OF YOUR KIDS THAN YOU DO YOURSELF: DO AS I SAY, NOT AS I DO…DOESN’T WORK

Mr. Smith was so angry at his son Scott that he could barely look at him.  Apparently Scott had been punching walls, swearing, and generally getting out of control, more times than not, when he was angry.  Mr. Smith had had it.  Mrs. Smith had had it.  Scott was annoyed that he actually had to sit there with his parents and this stupid therapist discussing his anger.  He thought it was ironic that all eyes were on him when he certainly was not the only one in this house who had anger issues.

 

You cannot imagine the look on Scott’s face when he heard this “stupid” therapist (yes the stupid therapist was me) ask: “So who else in this family has a hard time handling their anger?”

 

 You could have heard a pin drop.  Mr. Smith became indignant, Mrs. Smith shrunk in her seat, and Scott…he enjoyed every second, and of course did not hesitate to rat his father out. 

 

My response: “You can’t ask your son to do something that you, as an adult, are unable to do yourself”.

PART II: THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE IS THE ONE WITH YOUR SELF: Quick tips (numbers six through ten) to get you on the right track

Here are the remaining five tips to help you start creating a healthier relationship with yourself.  Best of luck and let us know how it goes!

TIPS 6-10:

6.  Do not excuse abusive behavior for any reason.  Too often people make excuses for their partner’s inexcusable behaviors by saying s/he was stressed, drunk, not feeling well, hurt, upset, depressed, etc.  Stop the excuses.  It doesn’t matter why someone’s mean to you, what matters is that they are mean.  We’re all stressed, struggling, worried, etc., at some point in our lives, that doesn’t give us the right to take it out on other people.  They need to stop that behavior or you need to move on.

7.  Own your worth.  Every single human being in this world has the same inherent worth as the next one.  No one is worth any more than or less than anyone else.  Every person is either someone’s son or someone’s daughter; a life is a life.  We are all equal.  Know this, own this, and live by this.  You have a right to be on this planet and your presence impacts this planet.  If you struggle with this then use affirmations to help strengthen your sense of worth.  State twenty-five times a day, for thirty days, the following:  “I am absolutely worthy to be in this world and I deserve to be treated well, by all people, at all times.”

THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE IS THE ONE WITH YOUR SELF: Five (of ten) quick tips to get you on the right track

Taking care of your is so vital to a healthy, fulfilling life that professionals, lay people, clergy, and even business organizations sing its praises.  The airlines stress it (put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then the children), therapists give it as homework (focus on positive self talk and affirmations), and life coaches center their businesses on helping clients achieve it (creating work and life balance).

Self care is vital to having healthy relationships yet so few people know how to do it.  Here are the first five quick, easy tips that will get you started on the right step for healthy relationships.  The next post will have the remaining five (in the spirit of keeping posts short but sweetJ).  Start incorporating these into your life today and feel the shift in your self and your relationships tomorrow.

1.  Remove ALL negative self talk from your life permanently.  When you make a mistake, look for the gift in it.  All mistakes have something to teach us so look for the lesson and stop with the put downs.  When you hear that inner voice calling you stupid, ugly, fat, or…(fill in the blank), silence it; don’t give it more than a second’s notice and remind your self that talking negatively is not going to help you or anyone else.

2.  Remove all disrespect from your life.  Know that you deserve to be treated well by all people, at all times…and settle for nothing less than that.  Also know that those around you deserve to be treated well at all times, by all people (including you) so do not be disrespectful to others under any circumstances either.

TRANSFORMING BAD RELATIONSHIPS INTO HEALTHY ONES: THERE'S NO QUICK FIX

People often talk about how unhappy they are in their relationships.  They complain about their poor sex life, lack of connection, mistreatment, their partner’s habits, and so on.  They wish things would change and say they are willing to do anything to make that change happen…until of course I tell them what to do.

In my experience, there are several distinct groups of individuals, two of which include:  those who want change and are willing to work like crazy to make change happen, and those who want…those around them to change.   The second group is looking for the magic pill or the quick fix.  They don’t want to work harder than their partners and they certainly don’t want to go first; so they wait, they complain, and they wish.  They do not however change.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, then before you start complaining about it, decide whether you are unhappy enough to do something about it or just unhappy and in the wishing stage:  wishing it would get better, wishing your partner was home more, wishing…(fill in the blank).

STAND BY YOUR MAN…TO DO OR NOT TO DO: SHOULD GOVERNOR ELIOT SPITZER’S WIFE BE STANDING BY HER MAN…LITERALLY?

Another one bites the dust; it seems as though the politicians in this country are dropping like flies.  Whether it’s a heterosexual affair with an intern, a gay affair with another man, or string of sexual indiscretions with prostitutes, things are heating up in the political world. 

Unfortunately it is not only the offending individuals who are paying the price.

The ripple effect of these betrayals is enormous, touching the lives of the spouses, children, colleagues, employees, and our entire political system.  The spouses are devastated, the children ridiculed and teased, employees are forced to clean out their offices while the next political target comes in, and the faith in our Nations’ political system is shaken once again.

The behavior of one, impacts the lives of many... 

STAYING AND WORKING THROUGH RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTIES: If you choose to stay in a relationship, then do so with a good spirit.

John agreed to stay in the marriage after his wife had an affair seven years ago. She was remorseful, apologized repeatedly, and went to great lengths to repair the damage she’d done. John has tried to make her pay ever since.

Susan agreed to stay in her marriage after her husband was verbally abusive for years. He sought treatment for his anger, significantly calmed down, and did everything in his power to repair the damage he’d done; Susan has tried to make him pay ever since.

There are a hundred similar scenarios to the ones above where one partner harms the relationship in some way or another and the other partner makes him/her pay for the rest of the marriage for that damage.

Here’s a wake up call to those of you who have been making your partner pay for mistakes they made years ago: Stop it. Either step into the relationship or step out of it, but don’t, for a moment, believe that you have the right to make your partner pay for his/her mistakes from now until eternity; you don’t have that right. Frankly, it’s abusive.

RELATIONSHIP TERMINATIONS: IS IT TIME TO LISTEN TO YOUR PARTNER OR WILL IT BE TOO LATE?

I recently saw a couple who were on the brink of divorce. In fact, it was pretty clear that he was three quarters out the door. He was adamant that if some key things didn’t change in an instant, he was out.

She wasn’t buying his complaints all that much and thought he exaggerated. As we went through the session, what he was complaining about was very evident.

After hearing both sides, I began to work with the wife. I was clear that what her husband was saying about her was in fact true. She could be cold, demanding, and verbally abusive. I went on to discuss the impact of this on their children, their marriage, and her life. I stressed that if she chose to continue doing what she was doing, her marriage would be over (according to her husband) and her children were likely to continue to be cold and aloof toward her. The future, I predicted, would be fairly lonely.

She got it. She listened to what her husband, I, and her children had said to her, and she took a deep breath and took in the information that so many people in her life had attempted to tell her before now. Fortunately for her and her family, she understood.

ARE YOU IN A MISERABLE RELATIONSHIP? IF SO, IT’S TIME TO EITHER STEP IN AND WORK IT, OR STEP OUT AND LEAVE IT.

This past week between the hustle and bustle of moving, unpacking, seeing clients, changing e-mails…I have been taken aback by the number of disgruntled, stagnant couples that have shown up in my life. Have you ever seen or been a part of a disgruntled stagnant couple? If so, then you know it’s not pretty or fun.

Here are a few warning signs of disgruntled, stagnant couples:
1. The partners barely talk to one another about anything intimate and sometimes about anything at all.
2. If the partners do talk, it’s about the children, problems, work, or how angry they are with one another.
3. Typically there is one extremely unhappy partner and one partner who’s indifferent or walled off.
4. The couple has been unhappy for years yet has done little to make any real changes. The very unhappy one may have asked to do some couples work yet when their partner refused, they dropped the subject.
5. They use unhealthy ways to cope with their unhappiness such as: excessive work, a few drinks each night, prolonged computer/internet use etc.
6. Both partners are fairly miserable and feel trapped, hopeless, resigned, or just plain angry.

If you are in a relationship like this chances are you are fairly miserable. It’s likely that your home is seen as a place of stress rather than a place of refuge, and if you had your choice you’d avoid it at all costs.