Straight Talk On Relationships

TRANSFORMING BAD RELATIONSHIPS INTO HEALTHY ONES: THERE'S NO QUICK FIX

People often talk about how unhappy they are in their relationships.  They complain about their poor sex life, lack of connection, mistreatment, their partner’s habits, and so on.  They wish things would change and say they are willing to do anything to make that change happen…until of course I tell them what to do.

 

In my experience, there are several distinct groups of individuals, two of which include:  those who want change and are willing to work like crazy to make change happen, and those who want…those around them to change.   The second group is looking for the magic pill or the quick fix.  They don’t want to work harder than their partners and they certainly don’t want to go first; so they wait, they complain, and they wish.  They do not however change.

 

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, then before you start complaining about it, decide whether you are unhappy enough to do something about it or just unhappy and in the wishing stage:  wishing it would get better, wishing your partner was home more, wishing…(fill in the blank). 

STAND BY YOUR MAN…TO DO OR NOT TO DO: SHOULD GOVERNOR ELIOT SPITZER’S WIFE BE STANDING BY HER MAN…LITERALLY?

Another one bites the dust; it seems as though the politicians in this country are dropping like flies.  Whether it’s a heterosexual affair with an intern, a gay affair with another man, or string of sexual indiscretions with prostitutes, things are heating up in the political world. 

Unfortunately it is not only the offending individuals who are paying the price.

The ripple effect of these betrayals is enormous, touching the lives of the spouses, children, colleagues, employees, and our entire political system.  The spouses are devastated, the children ridiculed and teased, employees are forced to clean out their offices while the next political target comes in, and the faith in our Nations’ political system is shaken once again.

The behavior of one, impacts the lives of many... 

STAYING AND WORKING THROUGH RELATIONSHIP DIFFICULTIES: If you choose to stay in a relationship, then do so with a good spirit.

John agreed to stay in the marriage after his wife had an affair seven years ago. She was remorseful, apologized repeatedly, and went to great lengths to repair the damage she’d done. John has tried to make her pay ever since.

Susan agreed to stay in her marriage after her husband was verbally abusive for years. He sought treatment for his anger, significantly calmed down, and did everything in his power to repair the damage he’d done; Susan has tried to make him pay ever since.

There are a hundred similar scenarios to the ones above where one partner harms the relationship in some way or another and the other partner makes him/her pay for the rest of the marriage for that damage.

Here’s a wake up call to those of you who have been making your partner pay for mistakes they made years ago: Stop it. Either step into the relationship or step out of it, but don’t, for a moment, believe that you have the right to make your partner pay for his/her mistakes from now until eternity; you don’t have that right. Frankly, it’s abusive.

RELATIONSHIP TERMINATIONS: IS IT TIME TO LISTEN TO YOUR PARTNER OR WILL IT BE TOO LATE?

I recently saw a couple who were on the brink of divorce. In fact, it was pretty clear that he was three quarters out the door. He was adamant that if some key things didn’t change in an instant, he was out.

She wasn’t buying his complaints all that much and thought he exaggerated. As we went through the session, what he was complaining about was very evident.

After hearing both sides, I began to work with the wife. I was clear that what her husband was saying about her was in fact true. She could be cold, demanding, and verbally abusive. I went on to discuss the impact of this on their children, their marriage, and her life. I stressed that if she chose to continue doing what she was doing, her marriage would be over (according to her husband) and her children were likely to continue to be cold and aloof toward her. The future, I predicted, would be fairly lonely.

She got it. She listened to what her husband, I, and her children had said to her, and she took a deep breath and took in the information that so many people in her life had attempted to tell her before now. Fortunately for her and her family, she understood.

ARE YOU IN A MISERABLE RELATIONSHIP? IF SO, IT’S TIME TO EITHER STEP IN AND WORK IT, OR STEP OUT AND LEAVE IT.

This past week between the hustle and bustle of moving, unpacking, seeing clients, changing e-mails…I have been taken aback by the number of disgruntled, stagnant couples that have shown up in my life. Have you ever seen or been a part of a disgruntled stagnant couple? If so, then you know it’s not pretty or fun.

Here are a few warning signs of disgruntled, stagnant couples:
1. The partners barely talk to one another about anything intimate and sometimes about anything at all.
2. If the partners do talk, it’s about the children, problems, work, or how angry they are with one another.
3. Typically there is one extremely unhappy partner and one partner who’s indifferent or walled off.
4. The couple has been unhappy for years yet has done little to make any real changes. The very unhappy one may have asked to do some couples work yet when their partner refused, they dropped the subject.
5. They use unhealthy ways to cope with their unhappiness such as: excessive work, a few drinks each night, prolonged computer/internet use etc.
6. Both partners are fairly miserable and feel trapped, hopeless, resigned, or just plain angry.

If you are in a relationship like this chances are you are fairly miserable. It’s likely that your home is seen as a place of stress rather than a place of refuge, and if you had your choice you’d avoid it at all costs.

RELATIONSHIPS REQUIRE A LOT OF INDIVIDUAL WORK: The art of Changing Me, Changes We

Before you can complain about all the things your partner is or is not doing, you have to clean up your act. You’ve heard me say it too many times to count, and yet it still remains true: the only person you can control is yourself.

So start controlling yourself and back off of your partner!

Stop telling your partner things like:
• “You’re acting like that because of your unresolved issues from your childhood.”
• “You’re just like your mother/father…get help!”
• “You’re seriously depressed and need to take medication.”
• “Your therapist is not good; you should change and call this therapist instead.”

WHEN TURNING DOWN YOUR PARNTER’S SEXUAL ADVANCES REALLY IS A PROBLEM

My last post I wrote about the right to say no to sex in your relationship. This post is about the other side of that issue: the importance of also saying yes to sexual intimacy in your relationship.

Everyone has the right, and obligation, I believe, to participate in sex on a voluntary basis—always. No one determines whether or not you will be sexual, except you.

That said it’s also important to know that an important part of connection and intimacy is a healthy sexual relationship. So while you have the right to say no whenever you’d like, you need to know that if you are saying no more times than not, this will negatively impact your relationship.

I realize this can be a bit tricky to figure out, however, as with everything else in life, you have to find the balance. If on the one hand you are having sex to appease your partner, avoid a stink, or because you are feeling obligated or pushed into it, you are off. This is not healthy for either you or your partner.

THE OTHER SIDE OF RELATIONSHIP WITHDRAWAL: WHAT TO DO WHEN YOUR PARTNER WITHDRAWS

A few posts ago I wrote about withdrawal in relationships and received a comment asking me what to do when you are on the receiving end of withdrawal. In other words, what is a healthy response to a partner’s unhealthy choice to withdraw?

Let me be clear that the type of withdrawal I’ll be talking about is the kind that goes on for more than an hour, is done with an air of contempt, and is done provocatively, meaning they just check out without explaining why or promising to talk about things later. This is different from taking a time out to re-group and get centered.

Unhealthy withdrawal often has a cold shoulder effect to it; the person on the receiving end feels shut out and often shut down. Subsequently, that person will try a number of things to re-engage his/her partner including: begging, pleading, retaliating, giving in to, yelling, shunning them back, and on and on. Because their partner is in withdrawal and behind a wall, these efforts have little, if any, impact. If any of the above does have an impact, it’s usually the giving in that may weaken the walls—not without a price though.

Although giving in or apologizing (even when you know you did nothing wrong) may weaken the walls, it will often lead to resentment. At some point you’ll get annoyed that you’re always the one apologizing. Eventually you get angry that you’re the only one in the relationship who’s willing to be accountable. Ultimately, you get tired.

IS IT TIME YOU GOT OUT OF YOUR OWN WAY? Why fortresses are detrimental to healthy relationships

Relationships are hard even for the healthiest of individuals; for those who don’t dare to look at their own faults, edges, or dysfunctions, they’re near impossible. Getting out of your own way requires that you know where you go awry. In order to know where you go awry, you have to be willing to have the humility to acknowledge your weaknesses.

I run across many people who have built up such a strong system of protection around themselves that it’s like they’re in a fortress. They are very clear about what is wrong with their partner however they are blind to what their own issues are. When their partner or someone else tries to tell them what their piece may be, they dismiss the feedback. This may sound like:

* “I only do that because of how you act.”
* “You’re just trying to turn things on me because you don’t want to look at your stuff.”
* “I hear what you’re saying, however I disagree with it. I think you see me as your mother (or your father) and it’s your stuff not mine.”
* They may even say to their couple’s therapist, “I think he’s manipulating you which is what he does with all therapists.” Note: People have said this even when the previous three to five therapists have given the same feedback.

Often people who struggle in this area are too defensive to take in feedback others are giving them. It’s as though they surround themselves with a fortress of steel walls that let’s nothing remotely critical in. This fortress shows up as defensiveness, being right, being judgmental, and overall self protection.

PARENTING THROUGH ANGER: IS IT NORMAL FOR PARENTS TO LOSE THEIR TEMPER WITH CHILDREN…AND BE VERBALLY ABUSIVE AS A RESULT? (The Alec Baldwin debate)

I just had someone send me a link to an open forum regarding the Alec Balwin/Kim Bassinger fiasco. For those interested, the link is:
http://www.convinceme.net/viewOpenDebate.php?dib=1245
After reading many of the comments I thought I’d weigh in from the standpoint of a relationship expert. So here it goes…

My belief is that relationally, Alec’s behavior was out of line, abusive, and irresponsible—regardless of his reasoning. As parents we are responsible for teaching our children how to be in this world. It’s our job to teach our children how to handle their: emotions (including anger), disagreements, everyday pressures of life, etc. We provide them with love, guidance, and limits, and we do that, not only through our words, but also through our actions. We are here to teach them how to create healthy relationships, including how to stand up for themselves--without stomping on others. We can’t do that if we are stomping on them.

The moment Alec said he didn’t care if his daughter was eleven years old and then went on to verbally abuse her, he made the choice to put the best interest of his daughter aside so he could carelessly vent and let off steam. He went further by calling her a pig, and in the end used intimidation and threats to try to get her to do what he wanted her to do. It seems to me the parent and child roles got mixed up, to say the least, in this call.

If we as parents cannot control ourselves, our children are not going to want to be around us (along with many other consequences). In addition, if we cannot control our own emotions then we have no right to even begin to expect our children to control theirs. Children live what they know; they know what they SEE.