Straight Talk On Relationships

BUILDING UP YOUR RELATIONSHIP RESERVES: STOP USING LACK OF TIME AS AN EXCUSE FOR LACK OF CONNECTION

Many couples today are stressed.  Between their careers, children and errands, there’s hardly any time left for connecting.  Often couples are so busy, that they’re like two ships passing in the night.  Not only are they not taking the time to connect, but just the thought of taking time feels like too much.  They’re constantly on the go and as a result many of their interactions are curt, matter-of-fact or business-like interactions.  Although some matter-of-fact interactions are fine (and unavoidable), they are not enough to sustain a relationship.

Romantic relationships need to be softer than business relationships.  They need to have more filler.  Where many of us get caught up, however, is in thinking the “filler” takes time.  This is not the case.  The “filler” is all the extra touches that tell our partners that they are different than anyone else in our lives.  It’s the stuff that tells them we like spending our lives with them.  I call these extra touches “tender sprinkles”.  It does not take endless amounts of time to add these touches; it does take consciousness.  Below are five quick ways to add tender touches to your relationship.

KEEP YOUR FINGER ON THE PULSE: EVEN GREAT RELATIONSHIPS NEED ATTENTION

This past summer has been a whirlwind for me.  I’ve been going non-stop from the moment my children got out of school until the moment they went back last week.  My lack of planning left me running ragged.  As a result, I wasn’t truly present anywhere.  

I’m sure many of you can relate to having to be everywhere, yet truly present nowhere.  We often over-schedule, over-promise and run ourselves into the ground trying to balance six different hats.  Eventually, we come up for air.  When we do, we have to deal with the collateral damage from our absence – such as distance in our relationships.

My daughter was my first clue.  She was having little to do with me.  I tried joking, telling her I loved her, trying to snuggle, etc.  Nothing worked.  All these attempts, in spare moments, were not what she wanted.  She wanted me to be present beyond a fleeting moment.  Not just in the house, but really present—you know, the kind of present that requires attention.  When both my children were regularly telling me to get off the computer, my daughter was avoiding me and my son was informing me I’m always working -- I finally listened.  

HAVE YOU LOST THAT SPARK? KEEPING RELATIONSHIPS ALIVE

Throughout the years I’ve worked with many couples where one of the partners has come in saying that s/he was no longer “in love”.  In many of these couples, both partners reported that they loved each other very much however the relationship had some how turned into one of platonic friends rather than lovers. 

 

Many of the individuals who had fallen out of love reported that they started to feel the shift years prior.  Very few spoke about it however until now, several years later.

 

The truth is, relationships ebb and flow.  Early in relationships there’s typically a “hot” period where there’s a lot of passion, physical attraction, and the desire to be with one another all the time. This is followed by a more realistic stage where each partner begins to truly know the other person—warts and all.  Gradually couples begin to settle into some type of rhythm that typically includes periods of attraction, connection and intimacy, followed by other periods of more distance, acceptance (vs. attraction), and a possible neutrality.  Some couples may also dip into periods of real struggle. 

ARE THE MUNDANE “NECESSITIES” OF LIFE GETTING IN THE WAY OF YOUR RELATIONSHIPS? All important relationships require time and attention

I remember one day many years ago, (not sooooo many years mind you!) a friend from high school began to act more interested in my life and what was going on with me.  When I asked her what was up, she said that she realized that in order to have a friend, she had to be a friend.  It was a turning point in our friendship.

Since that time, I’ve realized that I’ve forgotten this all important lesson. Unfortunately with the onset of marriage, kids, work, traveling, writing, etc., I’ve spent less and less attention on my friends thinking that they will always be there.  Although this may be true, that’s not me being a friend.

This happens in romantic relationships all the time.  We take each other for granted because we assume our partner will always be there.  We get tired, busy, and complacent, taking care of all the mundane “necessities” in life; meanwhile the days…keep… passing…by.  Before we know it, we feel distant, drained, and unsatisfied; we wonder what happened and hope to God we can get it back.

THE POWER OF WORDS: WATCHING THEIR IMPACT ON THE FACE OF A CHILD (There’s Nothing like A Little Tenderness in Relationships)

This past week my daughter Rylee got to choose a Tender Coupon from the Kids Power Pack. She looked through the pile several times and narrowed her choice down to three cards: Have a friend over within the next seven days, Choice of family restaurant or movie, or One day filled with compliments and positive comments.

I was sure she would pick the friend… Imagine my surprise when she picked the compliments!!!

She held the coupon for a couple days and then came up to me this morning and turned in her Tender Coupon for: ONE DAY FILLED WITH COMPLIMENTS AND POSITIVE COMMENTS.

I gave her a great big hug and showered her with compliments…the grin on her face was priceless.

RELATIONSHIP POWER PACK: ADDING A LITTLE TENDERNESS TO YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

I’m very excited to announce the arrival of my new Couples Power Pack and my new Parents Power Pack! These three-in-one card deck packs consist of Tender Sprinkles, Tender Coupons, and Relationship Cornerstone cards.  These are great tools for adding a little spark to your romantic relationships and a little connection and fun to your relationships with children. You can use them for yourself or give them away as gifts to your family and friends.

Below are brief descriptions of each card set followed by one suggestion on how to use the cards in your
relationships. Feel free to contact me with any questions, suggestions, or feedback at

l.merlobooth@charter.net.

Until then, buy a pack today and add a little tenderness to your relationships!

WHAT I LOVE ABOUT MY PARTNER: TURNING GOOD RELATIONSHIPS INTO GREAT RELATIONSHIPS

For those of you who are satisfied in your relationship and actually enjoy coming home to your partner, here’s a quick tip to keep it going:

Don’t take any of the positive things for granted.

Too often we can forget to give thanks for our blessings. We need to take the time to appreciate.

One way to do this is to take a moment to jot down ten things you love about your partner. You can write anything that you admire, find cute, appreciate, or just plain like about your partner. This does NOT have to be a deep, gut wrenching, soul-searching list--just authentic and simple.

For example, the things I appreciate and love about my husband (Hi honey:-)) include:

WHEN TURNING DOWN YOUR PARNTER’S SEXUAL ADVANCES REALLY IS A PROBLEM

My last post I wrote about the right to say no to sex in your relationship. This post is about the other side of that issue: the importance of also saying yes to sexual intimacy in your relationship.

Everyone has the right, and obligation, I believe, to participate in sex on a voluntary basis—always. No one determines whether or not you will be sexual, except you.

That said it’s also important to know that an important part of connection and intimacy is a healthy sexual relationship. So while you have the right to say no whenever you’d like, you need to know that if you are saying no more times than not, this will negatively impact your relationship.

I realize this can be a bit tricky to figure out, however, as with everything else in life, you have to find the balance. If on the one hand you are having sex to appease your partner, avoid a stink, or because you are feeling obligated or pushed into it, you are off. This is not healthy for either you or your partner.

NOURISHING RELATIONSHIPS: LOVE DOESN’T GROW WITHOUT ATTENTION JUST AS FLOWERES DON’T GROW WITHOUT WATER

Okay so no new revelations here, right? Most people would tell you that you have to nourish your relationship if you want it to grow. What few people know, however, is how the heck to do that. So here’s a list of ten ways to nourish your relationships in five minutes or less.

1. Give your partner a ten-second, full-body hug daily.
2. Give your partner a five-second, gentle, kiss on the lips.
3. Do a random, kind act (i.e., a note that says, “I love you,” bring home his/her favorite dessert, etc.).
4. Make it a habit of giving your partner a compliment every day.
5. Tell your partner two things you admire and/or like about him/her.
6. Take note of your partner’s efforts and say thank you.
7. Say you’re sorry from a genuine place when you make a mistake.
8. Hold your partner’s hand while sitting on the couch together.
9. Surprise your partner by helping out with something you don’t usually help with (i.e., cooking, cleaning, the garbage, recycles, etc.). Do this before they ask for your help.
10. Take a relaxing walk while holding hands.

Nourishing our relationships often takes only a moment. Fortunately, the impact of that moment goes on for much longer. Stop thinking you have to do some major, jaw-stopping feat in order to get your relationship back on track, and just start with the little things--start with watering it.

Challenge: Choose two items on the list to do each day for the next fourteen days and see if your love begins to grow and your relationship begins to heal. I’m betting more than half of the relationships will notice a difference. Put me to the test and let’s see.

TURNING A GOOD RELATIONSHIP INTO A GREAT RELATIONSHIP…takes more than just respect.

I have long struggled with putting words to what it takes to be in a healthy relationship. I’ve talked about being respectful, being tender, being kind, cherishing, loving etc., but nothing to date, has really hit the mark for me…until Sunday.

Yes, I must say, I was actually in church when I “got it”. What I have had difficulty putting words to is—reverence. Dictionary.com stated that reverence was defined as “a feeling or attitude of deep respect tinged with awe”. It further stated that to revere means, “to regard with the deepest respect, deference, and esteem”. A synonym for esteem is high regard.

Imagine if you and your partner had the deepest respect, admiration, and high regard for one another. Next, imagine that you both actually acted as if you did.

To have a soul-nourishing relationship you have to actually enjoy your partner. You have to feel blessed to have him/her in your life. You have to feel honored and a bit in awe that this person is sharing his/her life with you. When you feel that, you move from respect to “the deepest respect”, from like to admiration, and from neutral to deep honor.