Straight Talk On Relationships

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ARE EASIER THAN YOU THINK: BASIC RULES TO FOLLOW

When I ask people if they know of any couples who they believe have a healthy relationship, I’m shocked at how many people say no.  Most people laugh when I ask that question.  Some get quiet and ponder the couples they know in their head and slowly scratch one couple after the next off the list.  Sadly, parents seldom make this list.

Although many of you are not going to believe this, creating healthy relationships are much easier than you think.  There area a few basic ingredients or building blocks that are pivotal.  Once you get these building blocks down you can add a few more key ingredients and move up from healthy to enriching.  Let’s start first with healthy:
Key Ingredients necessary for healthy relationships:

1.    Always be respectful even when angry.  I cannot believe the number of people who think it’s no big deal to yell or swear at their partner.  Yelling, swearing or calling your partner names IS A BIG DEAL!!!  It stops intimacy and connection in its tracks.  I don’t care if that was how you were raised or if you think it’s not that big a deal, you cannot have a healthy relationship if you’re not respectful.  Period.  Clean up the disrespect; this includes rolling your eyes, sighing and using a derogatory tone when you’re speaking.  This one shift will drastically change your relationships.

RELATIONSHIP SILENCE: DOES SILENCE HELP YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND PROTECT YOUR PARTNER FROM PAIN?

I continue to see more and more female clients who’ve been unhappy in their relationships for years, yet have said little or nothing about it.  They’ve tried to do what their partners wanted, be sexual if their partners asked, not complain when they didn’t like something and be supportive of their partners at all costs.

After years of bottling everything up, the couples typically come into my office either because the women have threatened to leave the relationship or the men are unhappy with their sex life.  As I ask more questions, it’s evident that the women have been unhappy for years and the men had no idea.  Many of the women complained very little throughout the years, “hoping” they would feel more love for their partners.  When this didn’t happen, they lost all sexual desire for their partners and subsequently stopped having sex with them.

Often these women blamed their lack of sexual desire on themselves and continued saying nothing about their unhappiness in the relationship.  The men believed they were content.

THE POWER OF STAYING IN THE PRESENT IN RELATIONSHIPS

Too often we are guilty of living in the past or forever focusing on the future. In relationships, this can be a true detriment.  Sometimes we even look to the past to predict the future. For example: 

 

• Sue won’t ask her partner to help clean since the last time she asked him he refused and started a fight.  She’s sure he’ll do the same now too.
• Dan won’t ask his wife to go bike riding since she often comes up with an excuse and he’s tired of hearing excuses.
• Mary decided to buy herself an expensive item for her birthday, behind her husband’s back, because she knew he would throw a fit if she discussed it with him.

We often think we know how our partners will respond in any given moment; we then base our actions (or lack of actions) on that assumption.  Unfortunately, our assumptions are not always right.  If we continue to think we KNOW what our partner is going to do and we then act accordingly, we run the risk of getting ourselves in a ridiculous rut.  We base our actions on things that happened in the past and in so doing, we do not leave room for a new future.  

 

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: LOVE IS IN THE ACTION NOT THE THOUGHT

How many times have you heard someone say they’re not very affectionate, not much of a “feelings” person, or not one to wear their heart on their sleeve etc…?  I hear these statements all the time and they’re all cop outs. 

 

I’ve heard both men and women use these statements as a way of excusing their lack of warmth toward their partners.  In fact, I myself have used some of these very statements throughout much of my young adult life.  I did not want to be vulnerable and I certainly was not going to be the first one to share my feelings.  It wasn’t until my relationships ended (because my partners didn’t feel I cared about them) that I realized that vulnerability, emotional intimacy, and risk are a necessary part of loving relationships. 

 

Today, I see many people who haven’t learned the lesson I was fortunate enough to learn.  They continue to be invulnerable, self-guarded, and emotionally shut down—all to the detriment of their relationship.  They believe that simply being in the relationship, working hard to financially support the family, and being faithful, should be enough proof of their love.  It’s not.

 

SET THE BAR HIGH: HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS ARE…RELATIONAL

Too often people accept poor treatment from their loved ones without realizing how toxic that is to the relationship and to families. When we accept poor treatment, we become resentful, we teach our children to either accept poor treatment themselves, or be the perpetrators of poor treatment, we begin to feel unworthy, and we teach others that we’re not important enough to treat well.

You can’t stop your loved ones from doing what they’re going to do; however, you can choose to stop taking it.

Here are some foundational behaviors that everyone in a relationship has the right to expect:
1. To be greeted daily. It is common courtesy to acknowledge someone’s existence and for others to acknowledge yours. When you or your partner comes home, it’s respectful to say hello. It’s cherishing to go the extra step and give your partner a hello kiss and ask how his/her day went. Minimal, however, is the greeting.

2. To be treated respectfully. The Encarta Dictionary defines respect as “a feeling or attitude of admiration and deference toward somebody or something.” If you are in an intimate relationship, you deserve to be thought of and treated with high regard…as does your partner. Yes, there will be times when you both will be upset with one another; however, that should not shake the foundation of admiration, high regard, and mutual respect.

This also means that you and your partner hold one another in high regard in and out of one another’s presence. You each deserve to know that if your partner is talking about you to anyone, that s/he is doing so from a sacred place.

RELATIONSHIP POWER PACK: ADDING A LITTLE TENDERNESS TO YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

I’m very excited to announce the arrival of my new Couples Power Pack and my new Parents Power Pack! These three-in-one card deck packs consist of Tender Sprinkles, Tender Coupons, and Relationship Cornerstone cards.  These are great tools for adding a little spark to your romantic relationships and a little connection and fun to your relationships with children. You can use them for yourself or give them away as gifts to your family and friends.

Below are brief descriptions of each card set followed by one suggestion on how to use the cards in your
relationships. Feel free to contact me with any questions, suggestions, or feedback at

l.merlobooth@charter.net.

Until then, buy a pack today and add a little tenderness to your relationships!

RELATIONSHIP TENETS TO LIVE BY

Over the years I’ve learned to define my own rules for relationships based on what I felt was right for me and respectful to those around me. Here are the ten top ones I do my best to live by. I hope you find these as helpful in your relationships as I’ve found them to be in mine.

1. I surround myself with people who are respectful to me at all times-even in anger.

2. I ask for what I want, not what I think I’ll get.

3. I treat others well and hold others accountable for treating me well.

4. I share what I want to share, not what I believe others want me to share.

5. I apologize whenever I am in the wrong. I don’t apologize just to help others feel better.

CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

Relationship Principle: The closer people are to me, the higher my expectations for treatment will be.

I’ve always found it interesting that so many people accept the worst treatment, not from strangers and acquaintances, but from the people closest to them. I’ve seen men and women alike, set very healthy limits with strangers yet accept the most outrageous behaviors from their loved ones.

Some people would never allow a stranger to hit them without having that person arrested or charged with assault, yet when it comes to their partner pushing them or even breaking their nose, they do nothing. If an acquaintance calls them an idiot, they will be offended and set a stern limit, yet when their partner does the same, they shrug it off and say nothing. This also happens in reverse: some people can’t imagine swearing at an acquaintance; yet swearing at their partner is just a part of life.

Although there are many reasons this happens, and I don’t want to minimize all the dynamics that go into this phenomenon (especially domestic violence), the bottom line is: too many people accept too many behaviors that should be, and are, totally unacceptable.

What’s wrong with this picture? It’s as though we have it all backwards.