Straight Talk On Relationships

TIPS FOR NEWLY WEDS

For those of you new to the world of marriage (and even those of us not so new to marriage), here a few good tips to help you start out this journey on the right foot.  Listen to this advice and I promise you will be ten steps ahead of most marriages!
1.    Always listen to what your partner has to say—even if you disagree.  Listening to understand their point of view will save you countless arguments in the future.  Most of us just want to feel heard—not agreed with.  Your partner needs to feel that you respect their view point because you respect them.  You do not need to DO what they say-–just LISTEN to what they say. 
2.    Do not defend, dismiss or minimize your partner’s upsets.  When you minimize or defend against what your partner is telling you, they grow tired of telling you things.  Eventually, they give up on working things out with you because they assume you will just defend against it or minimize it.  They begin to think it’s not worth their breath.  That’s when the distance happens.  Have the courage to own your part and stop defending.
3.    Learn to make clear agreements up front.  For example, my husband and I have an agreement that if we are going to be more than an hour late, we had better call.  Other couples will agree that if you say you’re going to be home by 6 p.m., you better be home by 6 p.m.  There’s no right or wrong agreement as long as you BOTH agree.

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS START AT THE FIRST HELLO

When Sally first started dating Dan she was enthralled.  He was incredibly handsome, very successful and the life of the party.  She loved his sense of humor and his ability to get along with anyone. 

She also hated that he was the life of the party and his ability to get along with anyone -- especially other women.

Sally couldn’t believe Dan liked her and she was determined to do whatever she needed to do to keep him liking her.  This meant that she would not speak to him about the things that bothered her -- his drinking and flirting.  Although she didn’t like that he flirted with everyone in his vicinity, she knew he was going home with her.  She also figured that he would outgrow his partying ways, so she didn’t mention his drinking either.

CHEAT SHEET TO BEING RELATIONAL: FOUR TIPS THAT CAN TURN YOUR RELATIONSHIP AROUND TODAY

Fortunately – or unfortunately – there are several common mistakes people make in their relationships that lead to an increased distance.  For those of you who would like to close the gap between you and your partner, here are four tips for you to begin incorporating today in your relationship so you can feel the changes tomorrow:

o Listen to understand.  When your partner is sharing his or her experience, your goal is to be able to put yourself in your partner’s shoes for a moment.  You want to be able to get, on a gut level, what your partner is thinking, feeling and experiencing.  This is true whether s/he is sharing something about her/his upset over something you did or sharing about an experience that had nothing to do with you.  Your job is to listen and get the gist of what it’s like from your partner’s perspective. 

It’s important to note that understanding what it’s like for your partner does not mean you agree with her/him.  It simply means you understand.  For example, if my partner tells me he was upset that I wore jeans to church because when he was a kid that was seen as disrespectful, I can understand how he thinks that, given his upbringing.  I personally don’t agree that it’s disrespectful, yet I can understand what it might feel like to him.
  

THE ECONOMIC SHAKE UP AND RELATIONSHIPS: 5 TIPS TO STAYING CENTERED IN THE STRESS

It’s hard to imagine anyone who isn’t impacted by our economy today on some level.  People are getting laid off left and right, stocks are all over the place, retirements are dropping, credit cards are hiking their rates to egregious and ridiculous percentages, foreclosures are skyrocketing and on and on.

 

Given all the turmoil, what can you do to try to stay calm and not get caught up in the drama and stress of it all?  Here are five tips couples can do to support one another and not emotionally get caught up in the storm:

1. Discuss your concerns with your partner calmly and early on:  Talk about your fears, stress etc., early on rather than waiting until you’re overwhelmed and freaking out.  If you and your partner approach this as a team from the start, it will be more manageable and neither one of you will have to carry the weight alone.

  

HOW TO DISAGREE WITHOUT HURTING YOUR RELATIONSHIP

 

The presidential election has had a huge impact on our country due to it’s historical significance, the sheer number of voters, age of voters, the overall passion so many people felt, and the risk so many took to fight for a change they hope will come.  

 

This election has also been difficult for the couples who want change yet disagree on the best person to bring forth that change.  Partners who have differing political beliefs can find themselves in very hot water if they’re not careful about how they approach their differences.  Below is a list of tips to help couples who struggle with differing beliefs on major topics such as politics, religion, child rearing etc.  If you’re one of these couples then read on and make sure you differ…relationally.

 

THE POWER OF NEGATIVE TALK (TO YOURSELF AND TO OTHERS)

The past five months I’ve been working hard on a new speech which I will give tonight (wish me luck!).  This process has brought to light, in a whole different way, the power of negative talk…and positive talk.

I have become acutely aware of the power of my words on my performance:  the days my rehearsals have gone well, my words were positive; the days they didn’t go well, I was beating myself up before I ever got started.  I’m aware this is not a shocking revelation to most people however, to realize that if I change the way I speak to myself, I will improve my speech tenfold is a very uplifting concept.

Individuals talk down to themselves every day, all day long, without realizing the impact of that on their day to day living.  We tell ourselves that we’re fat, stupid, not good at what we do, a bad parent and on and on.  Seldom do we take the time to remind ourselves that we’re worthy, competent, important, smart, capable etc.  It’s as though the only lens we look through is the one that’s grey and cloudy.

We need to change our lens.

A TIP SHEET FOR MEN WHO STRUGGLE WITH BEING RELATIONAL

Women cannot stress to me enough how non-relational their husbands or partner are.  Unfortunately the men often respond to these complaints by saying the women are overly critical and insatiable.  They end up ignoring the complaints, changing nothing, and saying anything they did would never be enough for her anyway.

Unfortunately, a high percentage of these men are paying a heavy price for this lack of skill.

For those men who are brave enough to work their relationship muscles--in spite of how your friends or our culture will respond--here’s your cheat sheet on how to move a little beyond respect and into more connection:

1. When your partner is sharing her day with you---please do not move into solving.  Men often struggle with wanting to solve everything for women.  When they actually sit down to hear about their wife’s day, they immediately move into fixing it:  “Did you try this?”  “Next time you should say this.” “Your boss is out of line, you should go back and tell him…”  Stop solving!!! When you respond to your wife’s sharing by trying to solve something you’re implying that she’s incapable of solving it herself.  This is incredibly frustrating for your wife.  You’re also assuming that there’s a problem to be solved.  Often women share just to relay information, not to change something.  Sit back, listen and do not solve unless you have been explicitly asked to do so.

PART II: THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE IS THE ONE WITH YOUR SELF: Quick tips (numbers six through ten) to get you on the right track

Here are the remaining five tips to help you start creating a healthier relationship with yourself.  Best of luck and let us know how it goes!

TIPS 6-10:

6.  Do not excuse abusive behavior for any reason.  Too often people make excuses for their partner’s inexcusable behaviors by saying s/he was stressed, drunk, not feeling well, hurt, upset, depressed, etc.  Stop the excuses.  It doesn’t matter why someone’s mean to you, what matters is that they are mean.  We’re all stressed, struggling, worried, etc., at some point in our lives, that doesn’t give us the right to take it out on other people.  They need to stop that behavior or you need to move on.

7.  Own your worth.  Every single human being in this world has the same inherent worth as the next one.  No one is worth any more than or less than anyone else.  Every person is either someone’s son or someone’s daughter; a life is a life.  We are all equal.  Know this, own this, and live by this.  You have a right to be on this planet and your presence impacts this planet.  If you struggle with this then use affirmations to help strengthen your sense of worth.  State twenty-five times a day, for thirty days, the following:  “I am absolutely worthy to be in this world and I deserve to be treated well, by all people, at all times.”

RELATIONSHIP POWER PACK: ADDING A LITTLE TENDERNESS TO YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

I’m very excited to announce the arrival of my new Couples Power Pack and my new Parents Power Pack! These three-in-one card deck packs consist of Tender Sprinkles, Tender Coupons, and Relationship Cornerstone cards.  These are great tools for adding a little spark to your romantic relationships and a little connection and fun to your relationships with children. You can use them for yourself or give them away as gifts to your family and friends.

Below are brief descriptions of each card set followed by one suggestion on how to use the cards in your
relationships. Feel free to contact me with any questions, suggestions, or feedback at

l.merlobooth@charter.net.

Until then, buy a pack today and add a little tenderness to your relationships!

SO MANY RESENTMENTS, SO FEW WORDS: Healthy relationships require authentic conversations

Have you ever watched your partner do something fairly benign and found yourself snapping at them for it? Perhaps you woke up one day being utterly annoyed by the one characteristic that you used to love about your partner. What happened?

When I have couples in my office, I can easily see what’s not being said. As much as I’d like to say this is an amazing gift I have, it’s not. People are often just incredibly obvious about what they’re thinking--even if they don’t verbally share it.

Typically any of the following are signs that something is not being said that needs to be:
• One partner rolling his/her eyes while the other partner is relaying a story.
• A heavy sigh from one partner.
• A staring off into space while one partner is speaking.
• A reddening of the face, clenching of fists, or otherwise tightening of the body.
• An empty promise that is said in an effort to shut down the conversation and move on to less uncomfortable topics.
• A short, snappy reply or comment that seems to come out of nowhere.

There are many reasons we choose to not deal with issues head on, including: trying to avoid a conflict, believing our partner won’t listen anyway, not knowing exactly what it is that’s bothering us, being too tired, not trusting that it will help, wanting to be nice, etc. The list could go on and on, but hopefully you get the picture. The bottom line is we tell our partner in many ways that we’re annoyed with him/her, however seldom do we do this directly.