Here’s To The Abnormal Relationship And Setting The Bar Higher (Part II)

Recently I wrote about the first five characteristics or creating great relationships rather than “normal” ones.  Below is Part II of setting the bar higher and the remaining five of 10 characteristics of healthy relationships. Enjoy.

6.     Giving. Go out of your way now and then to do a kind act.  Take time to think about what the other person likes (not what you like) and that to them.  If they like to hear compliments—compliment; if they like to see actions—show them action; if they want you to listen better—tune in and listen.  Give them what you know they would love to receive rather than what you think they need.
7.     Mutuality.  Great relationships are about give and take.  There’s a natural rhythm of two people equally giving to the other.  In not so great relationships, it’s more common for one person to be the giver while the other person often takes.  Make sure you are neither the one always giving nor the one always taking.
8.    Personal Strength.  Cultivate the ability to set limits and hold your own in a relationship without squashing the other person in the process.  Being able to share your thoughts, ask for your needs and wants and to hold loved ones accountable for how they treat you are all imperative to great relationships.

Here’s To The Abnormal Relationship And Setting The Bar Higher (Part I)

I often get asked what is “normal” in relationships; I don’t ever want to answer the  “normal” question.  I don’t like to answer this because I believe that the norm for couples is way below par.  It is way too common for couples to be yelling, cheating, acting selfish and in general acting anything but cherishing to their partners. 

I want to move away from “normal” as a goal for couples.  Striving for the average relationship is truly setting the bar way too low; you deserve better than normal—trust me.  How about we all strive for the abnormal when it comes to relationships.  Let’s all try to do things differently from the way most people are doing it.  Let’s try to truly create relationships that are loving, respectful and feel great to be in.  Shall we?

Here’s to the abnormal!  Below are the first five of 10 characteristics of healthy relationships.  I encourage you to work hard to incorporate each and every one of these into your closest relationships.
1.    Cherishing.  Genuinely treat your loved ones as though you cherish them—through your words and actions.  Be kind, compassionate, complimentary and understanding.
2.    Respectful.  Refuse to call your loved one a name, swear at them in anger or treat them with disrespect in any way at any time—even in anger.  If you mess up—repair it without excuses or justification.  Simply own your mistake, apologize and STOP doing it.  Speak to your loved ones as though they are close friends whom you greatly admire.
3.    Authentic.  Be honest.  Tell your truth with compassion and…tell it.  Without honesty there is no trust and without trust there is no healthy relationship.  Refuse to lie.  If there’s something you’re struggling to say, tell them you need to think about it and get back to them.  Do not justify your lies because of their expected reactions—set a limit on their reactions and control your lies.
4.    Affectionate.  There’s nothing like a pat on the back by a friend, an understanding hug from your partner or a high five from your teenager to let you know you matter.  Great relationships require some affection; they require warmth.  Be warm to those you love: squeeze their hand, ruffle their hair, give them a kiss, high five them, etc.  Show the love!
5.    Accountable.  Making mistakes is part of our humanity, however, it appears that owning these mistakes is not so much a part of humanity.  Learn to apologize, accept when you are wrong and then repair it.  Repair requires an apology, an action and due diligence to insure it does not keep happening.  The abnormally healthy relationships are high on accountability.

Creating healthy relationships requires that we be mindful of our actions rather than reactive.  Without being deliberate about how we show up in the world we are all destined to stay “normal” which is doing all of our relationships a true disservice.  Dare to soar past the norm and into great.

Challenge: Scan the relationships in your life and of those around you and honestly ask yourself how all of you are doing.  Look over these characteristics and pick the two that you are weakest in and focus on those.  Pay attention to any shifts that occur.

A Letter to Mothers and Fathers-In-Law

With the most recent royal wedding, I seem to have new marriages on my mind.  I’ve been thinking, in particular, about the new family dynamics that occur whenever a new marriage takes place.  We’ve all heard horrifying in-law stories throughout the years and some of us may have experienced some of these hardships up close.  Too many people have no idea how to maneuver these in-law waters with any skill.

Below is a little cheat sheet for the parents of the brides and grooms of the world on how to start their relationships with their daughters/sons-in-law off on the right foot.

1.    Be the first to reach out a welcoming hand.  Remember that your son/daughter-in-law is entering your family—not the other way around.  They will be anxious, hopeful and on guard about you so help put them at ease.  They will feel like the outsider and will be waiting for your lead.  Lead…and do so in a positive way.
2.    Go out of your way to make your child’s spouse comfortable with your family.   Keep an eye out for them at family gatherings and make sure you’re inclusive.  Introduce them to other family members, talk with them when you notice they’re off by themselves and treat them as you would want their parents to treat your daughter/son.

Say It Straight Or Don’t Say It: Hazy Communication Is Not Helping Your Relationship

Too many people send hazy messages, speak in cryptic ways and are anything but direct when it comes to communication.  Often this hazy communication happens with the best of intentions.  For example, they don’t want to hurt another’s feelings, they’re afraid the person will get mad or they don’t want to get into a conflict.  They may even be afraid they’ll lose the person if they speak directly.  Unfortunately, the very thing they’re trying to avoid is often the thing they ensure will happen.

When we beat around the bush, say only part of what we mean or hold things in and expect our partners to know what’s going on for us, we’re off.  It is not our loved one’s job to read our minds or decipher what we mean.  It is our job to clearly state what is going on for us.  It’s our job to specifically ask for what we want.  And it’s our job to tell our loved ones what will happen if things continue to go poorly in our relationship.  It’s also our job to then ACT on those words.

If you’re unhappy in your relationship, your first step is to clearly state that you’re unhappy.  Be clear about what you’re unhappy about and what difference you want to see: “I’m unhappy with our relationship.  You’re often snapping at me or the kids, you come home and get on the computer and then you go to bed.  The only interaction you seem to have with us is to tell us to leave you alone or to reprimand the kids.  I understand that you’re stressed…and…I need you to speak to us with a softer tone, get off the computer at night and join the family.”

Want That Spark? It’s The Little Things That Create The Biggest Shifts

Many couples complain that they’ve lost the spark.  They end up talking about what they’re not feeling, analyzing what they’re not feeling and questioning whether they will ever feel “it” again—at least feel “it” with one another. 

In my experience, we need to stop complaining about what we’re not feeling and start taking steps to feel it again.  There will always be periods in any long-term marriage/relationship when the spark will feel like it’s in severe hiding.  Not feeling the spark in a relationship is not the problem, however; not working to get the spark back is a problem.

Stop acting like it’s a huge issue and instead see it as a natural part of any long-term relationship.  The sexual intensity, exciting energy or that all-elusive “spark” naturally ebbs and flows.  When you feel it losing steam—pay attention; when you feel it flowing—pay attention.

Getting the spark back starts with the little things:
•    Speak kindly to one another in words and tone.
•    Incorporate tender touches into your daily interactions.  Rub your hand across the small of your partner’s back, hold hands, snuggle on the couch, greet them with a five second kiss vs. a peck, cuddle in bed.  Make non-sexual, affectionate contact.

The Five Things I’ve Learned From American Idol

American Idol is a great show to watch if you want to learn a few lessons about owning your power, not playing small and daring to step up and create your future.  Below are the five most glaring lessons I pull from this show every time I watch it.  These are great lessons for relationships as well as careers.  Dare to step up and earn your place...

1.  Confidence, confidence, confidence!!!  It is nearly impossible to be successful in life or our relationships if we don't have healthy self-esteem.  Healthy self-esteem is the foundation upon which everything else rests.  If you don't believe in yourself, this is where you need to start.  When you don't believe in yourself the world sees this--no matter how hard you try to hide it.  The world then holds you in the same light as you hold yourself.  On American Idol, most, if not all, of the singers are talented; the ones who go the furthest, however, are the ones who own that talent rather than constantly doubt it.

2.  Stop defending and start listening!!!  Critical feedback can help you soar or take the wind out of your sails and sink you.  Which it does, depends on you.  When people take the time to tell you how they perceive you, this is priceless.  Stop defending and trying to pretend that they don't see what they see.  Acknowledge it, use it to learn from and change it.  When you're able to do this, pat yourself on the back and give yourself credit for having tremendous courage.  The judges on American Idol are trying to fine tune the skills of the singers.  There's nothing more frustrating than the singers, who have little experience, getting defensive about the feedback.  Defensiveness blocks intimacy, makes you look bad and leads to frustration for those on the receiving end of your defensiveness.

Things I Know About Relationships

1.    I know relationships can’t work if there’s violence from either party.
2.    I know that covering up for an alcoholic or addict only prolongs the inevitable.  Just because you pretend it’s not there, doesn’t mean it’s not there.
3.    I know that if you never say you’re sorry, your loved ones will grow tired and…you’re going to be sorry.
4.    I know that if you silence, avoid conflicts and refuse to address issues directly, you will be stuck with what you have. 
5.    I know that the more you threaten to do something, yet never do it, the more you teach people not to trust your words.
6.     I know that when one partner bullies or rages, there is a high probability that the other partner will leave if the bullying doesn’t stop.  What I don’t know is when.

START THE RIPPLE: CREATING CHANGE IN RELATIONSHIPS

I recently was given a great bookmark from my husband on building a great community.  The bookmark had a long list of suggested moves a person could make.  It led me to think about creating a similar one for relationships. 

I often talk to audiences about the power of one person setting a ripple effect of change in motion in their relationships and ultimately throughout their lives.  Below are suggestions on how to start the ripple.  Please note that these are to be done regardless of what other people are doing on their end.  Starting the ripple means you do your part to create the shift: Changing Me, Changes We...it starts with you.

*  Be kind, loving and cherishing...especially to those closest to you
*  Treat others as you wish them to treat you...even when they’re not
*  Honor the statement “There’s no excuse for abuse”...yours or others
*  Be accountable...when you make a mistake own it and repair it
*  Hold others accountable for how they treat you..not to do so is harmful to you
*  Be authentic...tell your truth with love, even when it’s the more difficult thing to do
*  Lead by example...if you don’t live it then don’t preach it
*  Set limits in a loving and firm way
*  When angry use a quiet, centered, powerful strength...don’t rage or silence
*  Act with integrity in all you do--and in all areas of your life
*  Don’t play small...and don’t try to make others look or feel small either
*  Own your power...walk in the world with your head held high and know you deserve to be here
*  Never settle for crumbs and think you have a birthday cake...they’re only crumbs
*  Incorporate tender sprinkles (small acts of kindness) with your family and loved ones...compliment, touch, share, write a kind note
*  Ask for what you need directly...and don’t get upset about something you never asked for
*  Know that your partner is not a mind reader...and don’t expect them to be.
*  Say it straight...don’t beat around the bush, manipulate, or be passive-aggressive--grow up
*  Never ignore someone...it’s mean, cold, unacceptable and ruins relationships
*  Protect yourself from affairs...send clear messages out to the world that you’re taken
*  Don’t allow yourself to be a part of breaking up someone else’s family...your lover is likely to do the same to you as you did to their spouse--walk in the world with integrity

START THE RIPPLE...and feel its force.

CHALLENGE: Choose 2 things on the list above that you don’t currently do and start doing them.  Continue to add to your list. Notice the ripple of change as a result.

HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS: 5 ESSENTIALS TO BEING A GREAT PARTNER

The best romantic partners in the world are not the ones with the most money, amazing sexual prowess or endless romantic creativity.  Instead, they’re the ones who show you they have your back at all times -- in big and small ways. 

Having your (or your partner’s) back requires the following five essential elements:
1.    Day to day showing of love with words AND actions.  It’s all in the little things.  A great partner effortlessly interweaves the little things into their relationship: the kind gesture, loving word, unwavering support, critical feedback said with love, affectionate touch and on and on.  The day-to-day interactions of a great partner are…loving.
2.    A bottom-line reverence and deep respect for your partner, even though you may disagree with something they say or do.  A great partner doesn’t swear at, name call or yell at their partner.  They don’t do this simply because they wouldn’t want to—not because their partner would be angry. 
3.    A genuine likeability factor—you genuinely like your partner and enjoy being in his/her company most of the time.  When a person likes their partner, they’re proud to be with them in public, enjoy their little idiosyncrasies and treat them with a higher sense of respect.  Couples who have the genuine likeability factor seem to naturally laugh, joke and play more with one another.

TIPS FOR NEWLY WEDS

For those of you new to the world of marriage (and even those of us not so new to marriage), here a few good tips to help you start out this journey on the right foot.  Listen to this advice and I promise you will be ten steps ahead of most marriages!
1.    Always listen to what your partner has to say—even if you disagree.  Listening to understand their point of view will save you countless arguments in the future.  Most of us just want to feel heard—not agreed with.  Your partner needs to feel that you respect their view point because you respect them.  You do not need to DO what they say-–just LISTEN to what they say. 
2.    Do not defend, dismiss or minimize your partner’s upsets.  When you minimize or defend against what your partner is telling you, they grow tired of telling you things.  Eventually, they give up on working things out with you because they assume you will just defend against it or minimize it.  They begin to think it’s not worth their breath.  That’s when the distance happens.  Have the courage to own your part and stop defending.
3.    Learn to make clear agreements up front.  For example, my husband and I have an agreement that if we are going to be more than an hour late, we had better call.  Other couples will agree that if you say you’re going to be home by 6 p.m., you better be home by 6 p.m.  There’s no right or wrong agreement as long as you BOTH agree.