Straight Talk On Relationships

RELATIONSHIP POWER PACK: ADDING A LITTLE TENDERNESS TO YOUR RELATIONSHIPS

I’m very excited to announce the arrival of my new Couples Power Pack and my new Parents Power Pack! These three-in-one card deck packs consist of Tender Sprinkles, Tender Coupons, and Relationship Cornerstone cards.  These are great tools for adding a little spark to your romantic relationships and a little connection and fun to your relationships with children. You can use them for yourself or give them away as gifts to your family and friends.

Below are brief descriptions of each card set followed by one suggestion on how to use the cards in your
relationships. Feel free to contact me with any questions, suggestions, or feedback at

l.merlobooth@charter.net.

Until then, buy a pack today and add a little tenderness to your relationships!

SO MANY RESENTMENTS, SO FEW WORDS: Healthy relationships require authentic conversations

Have you ever watched your partner do something fairly benign and found yourself snapping at them for it? Perhaps you woke up one day being utterly annoyed by the one characteristic that you used to love about your partner. What happened?

When I have couples in my office, I can easily see what’s not being said. As much as I’d like to say this is an amazing gift I have, it’s not. People are often just incredibly obvious about what they’re thinking--even if they don’t verbally share it.

Typically any of the following are signs that something is not being said that needs to be:
• One partner rolling his/her eyes while the other partner is relaying a story.
• A heavy sigh from one partner.
• A staring off into space while one partner is speaking.
• A reddening of the face, clenching of fists, or otherwise tightening of the body.
• An empty promise that is said in an effort to shut down the conversation and move on to less uncomfortable topics.
• A short, snappy reply or comment that seems to come out of nowhere.

There are many reasons we choose to not deal with issues head on, including: trying to avoid a conflict, believing our partner won’t listen anyway, not knowing exactly what it is that’s bothering us, being too tired, not trusting that it will help, wanting to be nice, etc. The list could go on and on, but hopefully you get the picture. The bottom line is we tell our partner in many ways that we’re annoyed with him/her, however seldom do we do this directly.

NOURISHING RELATIONSHIPS: LOVE DOESN’T GROW WITHOUT ATTENTION JUST AS FLOWERES DON’T GROW WITHOUT WATER

Okay so no new revelations here, right? Most people would tell you that you have to nourish your relationship if you want it to grow. What few people know, however, is how the heck to do that. So here’s a list of ten ways to nourish your relationships in five minutes or less.

1. Give your partner a ten-second, full-body hug daily.
2. Give your partner a five-second, gentle, kiss on the lips.
3. Do a random, kind act (i.e., a note that says, “I love you,” bring home his/her favorite dessert, etc.).
4. Make it a habit of giving your partner a compliment every day.
5. Tell your partner two things you admire and/or like about him/her.
6. Take note of your partner’s efforts and say thank you.
7. Say you’re sorry from a genuine place when you make a mistake.
8. Hold your partner’s hand while sitting on the couch together.
9. Surprise your partner by helping out with something you don’t usually help with (i.e., cooking, cleaning, the garbage, recycles, etc.). Do this before they ask for your help.
10. Take a relaxing walk while holding hands.

Nourishing our relationships often takes only a moment. Fortunately, the impact of that moment goes on for much longer. Stop thinking you have to do some major, jaw-stopping feat in order to get your relationship back on track, and just start with the little things--start with watering it.

Challenge: Choose two items on the list to do each day for the next fourteen days and see if your love begins to grow and your relationship begins to heal. I’m betting more than half of the relationships will notice a difference. Put me to the test and let’s see.

CREATING HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS…Require that you not ignore the red flags.

As a follow up to my last post on conditioning, I thought it would be helpful for people to have something to think about regarding their relationships. Below are a few red flags that your relationship may be damaging your spirit…and it may be time to jump out or lower the heat.

1. Your partner often tells you what you’re thinking is wrong, stupid, not making sense, is unimportant, isn’t true, or says you don’t have a good understanding of what you’re talking about.
2. Your partner tries to isolate you from your friends and family members by: making it uncomfortable to be with family and him/her at the same time, claiming that you care more about your family/friends than you do him/her, giving you a hard time every time you have plans to see family/friends.
3. Your partner loses his/her temper often without provocation. You seldom see it coming and when it does happen, the intensity of his/her anger is palpable even if he/she doesn’t raise his/her voice.
4. Your partner embarrasses you in front of other people by ridiculing you, making a hurtful comment but disguising it as “just being funny”, or directly puts you down in front of others.

WHAT WE ALL DESERVE IN RELATIONSHIPS

Below is a list of the basic rights we all have in our close relationships. If you are a human being you have the right to:

1. Be treated well. The minimum of being treated well is to be treated with respect. No one has the right to call us names, demean, belittle or shame us. No one has the right to lie to us, hurt us in anger either physically or emotionally, or to treat us with contempt…ever.
2. Be supported in our dreams and in our struggles. Loving partners support each other’s growth; they do not hold each other back. When we’re struggling, we have the right to be nurtured rather than shamed and helped rather than kept down.
3. Be listened to. We each have the right to have our concerns validated and not dismissed, minimized, turned around on us, or discounted in any way.
4. Have a partner who is accountable, owns his/her mistakes, apologizes when warranted and repairs with an open heart. Each and every one of us deserves to have a partner who is not afraid to own his/her human-ness. It’s vital for any relationship that partners admit when they are wrong, apologize, and commit to not do it again.
5. Be loved and cherished. Love should be felt, not wondered about. We deserve to have our loved ones show us they love us with their words, actions and behaviors.

Note: The loved ones in our lives also deserve all of the above from us…and others.

Challenge: Look at this list and examine the relationships in your life. Are the relationships in your life giving you what you deserve? If not, choose one of these and take steps to start cleaning up your relationships…it will be one of the greatest acts of self care you can do for yourself.

RELATIONSHIP ADVICE: HAVE INTEGRITY IN YOUR WORDS

I was speaking with someone who was telling me that when he doesn’t do what he agreed to do, his coach questions him about his lack of integrity in his word. When I heard this it struck me how often we say or agree to things we don’t mean. In couples, this often leads to anger, disappointment and ultimately one partner not trusting another partner’s word.

I began to watch my own habits around this and I realized that I was not as much in integrity as I thought I was. I caught myself a couple times agreeing to something quickly and then realizing I really wasn’t sure if I’d be able to do it. Although I wasn’t purposely trying to deceive anyone, I was. For example, my friend and I are in a book group together and we were supposed to have completed the exercises in the first chapter. She had done her part and I said I just didn’t have the time. Although I was really busy, if I had taken my agreement seriously, then I would have found the time.

At the end of the call we both agreed to move to chapter two and get as much done as we could. Immediately after I agreed to this I was aware that really what I was thinking was that I’d try to get to chapter two—no guarantees. When I realized this, I quickly told my friend. I realized how out of integrity this was, even though it was not purposefully deceitful. I then recommitted to actually doing chapter two rather than just “trying” to do it.

TEAMWORK IN RELATIONSHIPS

One of the most rewarding aspects of relationships can be the realization that your partner “has your back,” that you both have each other’s back. With this realization comes a sense of teamwork and partnership that fuels you.

This past weekend two things happened that reminded me of this in my relationship. The first was when my husband and I were at the soccer fields for our kids. The team parent had sent me an e-mail the previous week and I unfortunately forgot to reply. The parent commented on my lack of reply, I apologized and assured her I would do better in the future. Five minutes later my husband went up to ask her to include his name on the e-mail at which point she complained to him that I didn’t reply. My husband responded by saying that I have a very busy schedule and that his has a lot of flexibility so it’s easier for him to reply to e-mails. When he told me what he said, I thanked him and told him it was nice to know he had my back. He laughed and said, “Of course I have your back.” I felt a great sense of comfort.

The second incident occurred when my husband and I were talking to our children about taking better care of our dog (an adorable chocolate lab puppy). The kids were arguing about who took her out the most, and whose turn it was to take her for a walk. My husband’s response was, “You know your mom and I never fought about whose turn it was to change your diapers or whose turn it was to get up in the middle of the night. We just did it. We didn’t keep score. We helped each other take care of the two of you because we love you both and that’s what family does—you help one another.”

YOUR RELATIONSHIP IS PRIMARY…PROTECT IT

Are your in-laws driving you crazy? Is your partner complaining about your parents or siblings? Are you both struggling to find a healthy balance with your families of origin? If you’ve answered yes to any of these questions then you’re not alone. Many couples find themselves in a loyalty bind between their family of origin and their nuclear family.

So what do you do? Who comes first, your parents or your spouse? The answer to this question is--your spouse. Every time. Be very protective of your relationship. Imagine putting a protective “bubble” over the couple-ship. If you have children, then include them in this bubble. All other people are outside this bubble and come after your current family. All decisions are made from this place.

If you get stuck in the middle of your spouse and outside family members then follow these tips:

CHANGES IN RELATIONSHIPS

A common thing I see in couples is one partner minimizing or dismissing the change their partner makes. It’s quite an interesting phenomenon. For example a woman will complain about how emotionally unavailable her partner is and be clear that if he doesn’t change she will end the marriage. Her partner hears the message, makes significant changes, and she dismisses the changes saying, “So what if he’s talking more, he should’ve been doing that all along.”

I see this behavior in both men and women and what I believe is going on, is the partner is so resentful for not getting what s/he wanted for so many years that by the time their partner actually changes, it may be too late. Often people won’t change unless they have to; chances are your partner is suddenly changing now because you have put your foot down or they have too much to lose if they don’t. Either way, if your partner has been behaving horribly for years and s/he finally begins to change, the worst thing you can do is minimize or dismiss the changes.

If you find that no matter how hard you try you cannot let go of the resentment, then it’s time to look at you. Before you ask your partner to jump through a thousand hoops, you have to first ask yourself if you are willing to let her/him back into your heart if s/he changes. If not, then perhaps there has been too much pain for too long. You may have put your foot down too late. If this is the case, then be honest with your partner and begin to work on relationally ending the relationship.

If, on the other hand, you can forgive and are willing to work the relationship, then allowing your partner to repair requires that you not only offer your partner a solution, but you then open your heart enough to take in her/his efforts to change. If you see your partner trying – thank him/her and know that change is a process not an event.

Challenge: If your partner has been changing, allow yourself to take it in. Pay attention over the next week to even the smallest efforts your partner makes to do things differently; change your lens from a negative to a positive focus. Make a commitment to yourself to not sit in resentment; it is a no-win place for all involved.

RELATIONSHIP SKILLS

I just returned from facilitating a three-day workshop with Terry Real. It was quite powerful. I wanted to share this resource with couples and individuals who are struggling in their relationships, wanting to start new relationships with healthier skills, or just wanting to hone the skills they have.

This workshop helps people get clear on what their losing moves are, discover why they are making these moves - - even when they are obviously not working - - and to learn and practice new skills that will bring them into connection rather then distance.

If you are looking for something to give your relationship a jump-start, this is an excellent resource. Go to Terryreal.com for more information and look up the skills workshop, it may be the thing you’ve been looking for.

Challenge: If things aren’t going well in your relationships dare to take a step toward changing it; go to a workshop, seek help, talk to your partner…do something. It seldom will fix itself.