Finding Your GPS (Grounded Powerful Strength): Stop Behaving In The Extremes

In our world today, very few people have mastered the art of standing up for themselves.  After working with hundreds, if not thousands, of people over the years, I’ve found that people typically land in one of three groupings when it comes to having difficult conversations or handling difficult situations:
1.    The “take no sh*t” group.  This is the group of people who will quickly react in anger to hurtful behavior or issues of disagreement.  If someone speaks to them disrespectfully, this group often will quickly shut that person down, fight back, get defensive, yell, scream or intensely storm out.  
2.    The “create no waves” group.  This group tries to do whatever is necessary to keep things calm.  They can duck, walk on eggshells, placate, make empty promises, silence or try to appease others.
3.    The "teapot” group.  This group slowly simmers by silencing, placating and letting things go for a period of time, only to later escalate and blow up.

As you can imagine, none of these approaches is effective.  Too many people work in the extremes—either silencing and placating or snapping and bullying.  As a result, people either overshoot or undershoot in their responses to upset.  Too few people actually step in with a Grounded Powerful Strength (GPS). 

A Grounded Powerful Strength is calm, strong AND relational. The bottom-line rule in a GPS is DO NO HARM.  Regardless of how angry you are or someone else is, neither you nor the other person has the right to be verbally, emotionally or physically abusive.  Yelling, screaming and calling names are abusive—to others.  Allowing others to yell, scream and treat you poorly is abusive—to you.

How Do I Intervene in Other People’s Behaviors? Part II

Below are a few more tips on how to intervene in the bad behavior of others:
•    Your father is emotionally abusive to your mother and has been for years.  Every time you visit, he’s putting your mother down, ordering her around and snapping at her.  You find yourself not wanting to go over.  You also noticed that it takes you a couple of days to “detox” from that environment.  What are your options?
o    Hold a figurative mirror up to your dad: “Wow, Dad, that was mean.  Do you hear how you talk to Mom?” (Low risk).
o    Another low risk response would be: “Dad, did you mean to ask her if she would please bring you a drink of water?”
o    A higher risk response would be to directly set a limit: “Dad, it’s not okay to tell Mom she’s stupid.  And Mom, I hate watching you just take Dad’s treatment. As much as I love both of you, I’m realizing that I don’t like staying at your home because it’s too hard to watch you two interact for a prolonged period of time.”  The next time I come to visit, I’m going to stay in a hotel. (Moderate risk)
o    Finally, you can refuse to visit them together until your father can be respectful.  “Mom and Dad, I love you both very much and want to see you both.  However, I’m finding it difficult to be in the same room with the two of you together due to how you both are with each other.  Dad, you treat Mom terribly and Mom you just sit there and take it.  I realize this is your marriage and there’s nothing I can do about it, however, I don’t want to watch it anymore.  From now on, I will no longer be coming over to visit the two of you together.  I’m happy to have lunch with either one of you alone or to have one of you visit me at a time, but I’m no longer willing to just sit back and watch you two interact.  If things change, I will be happy to revisit this decision.” (High risk)

It’s None of My Business…Or Is It?

For as long as I can remember, there has seemed to be a pull for people to stay out of other people’s business.  I hear, “That’s none of my/your business” all the time.  For example:
•    One client comes into my office and says she saw her friend’s husband kissing another woman.  When I ask if she told her friend, she quickly says, “No. I don’t want to get mixed up in that.  Besides, it’s none of my business.”
•    Another client comes in and tells a story about her family on vacation in Florida.  Apparently her brother’s family was constantly yelling, fighting and snapping at one another in public and in the home they were all sharing.  When I asked if she tried to talk with her brother about the intensity in his family, she said, “No.  It’s not really my business.”
•    A friend was talking with me about her father-in-law’s emotionally abusive treatment of his wife (her mother-in-law).  It’s so bad that she has a hard time staying very long when she visits.  I asked if she ever says anything and of course she responds by saying, ”No.  It’s their marriage and none of my business.”

I could go on and on with countless stories of people staying out of other people’s business, but I think you get the gist.  When it comes to what is and is not your business, I have a very different take from most people.  I also feel very strongly about my take -- so be forewarned.

When poor behavior happens in front of me, I believe it becomes my business.  If I’m out with my family at a restaurant, or the like, and another family begins to make a scene, yell and scream at each other, etc. their business has crossed into my business.  They are now impacting my space, at which point I have the right to step in, should I so choose.  I do not believe that silencing myself and hoping they will settle down quickly is serving me -- or anyone else --  in that restaurant.  I also believe that my silence would send a clear message that the yelling is okay, warranted and acceptable.  But the yelling is not acceptable.

If I catch my best friend’s husband cheating on her, his behavior has now become my business.  It has become my business because it affects me.  I now have to either hold a secret, which will greatly impact my relationship with my friend, or address the issue directly in some way (speak to my friend’s husband or to my friend).  The idea that what he’s doing is none of my business is a crazy idea.  If it were none of my business, then it wouldn’t be affecting my life...but it is affecting my life.  When someone’s behavior impacts your life or your space, that behavior is open for authentic communication.

A behavior is also open for authentic communication even if it is not happening in your space, per se, but is impacting the life of a loved one.  For example, if your sibling seems highly depressed, is struggling to take care of the children and is starting to use alcohol to self-medicate—your love for your sibling makes their struggle your business.  If they died, you would be left to pick up the pieces.  Why in the world would you not try to discuss this with him/her? 
I realize my thinking is very different from that of many people, however I encourage you to start thinking about how the behavior of others impacts you.  Taking care of yourself is always your business...and sometimes taking care of yourself requires that you step into other people’s business or that you take care of the business they have brought into your life.

When you do step in, however, do so with respect and compassion.  Always remember that poor behavior is not a green light for poor behavior of your own.  Step in with a clean energy and stay centered.

Challenge: Begin to pay attention to the concept of “It’s not my business” and how it plays out in your life.  How do you feel when you abide by it – might you be taking the easy way out?  How might you feel if you stepped in with authenticity and compassion (for yourself and others)?

Words Have Power: Lessons To Learn From The Arizona Tragedy

As much of our world recovers from yet another violent tragedy, I’m struck by the outlandish comments made by lay people, extremists and -- yes -- some of our nation’s potential leaders.  Since when has it become okay to slander, threaten, name call and even damage a person’s property because we don’t agree with the way they think?

The truth is that politics in our country today has become more and more contentious.  Politicians and we, the people, have become more and more oppositional, aggressive and downright threatening in our fight for what we believe.

Sarah Palin depicted Representative Gabrielle Giffords in the crosshairs of a rifle scope on a Facebook page and wrote: "Don't retreat! Instead - RELOAD!”  Really?  When a potential Vice President of the United States uses metaphors like this, you know things have gotten bad.  And, while I realize Sarah Palin did not literally want someone to gun down Rep. Giffords, the level of irresponsibility in this comment is jaw-dropping to say the least.  I’m no politician, but even I know that my words have power.  Have we really become so unconscious as to think that what we say doesn’t impact those around us? 

How To Stand Up For Yourself Without Falling Apart

Below is a post from my new blog http://lmerlobooth.typepad.com/straight_talk_4_women/ Enjoy!

One of my blog readers wrote in to say that she’d like to stand up for herself at work but was fearful that if she did she would be too emotional if she stood up to them.  She’d been able to maintain her composure to date by ignoring her co-workers comments even though she felt degraded on the inside.  How could she learn to stand up without becoming tearful or emotional in the process?

This is a great question and one that many women struggle with.  The reality is that when we first begin to stand up for ourselves it can be a scary process.  The best way to limit the chance of becoming emotional in our response to mistreatment is by starting small keeping our replies short and to the point. Do not start by taking on the most difficult issues first.

Keeping our replies short and to the point will be easier to do for those who are good at thinking quickly.  For those who are not so good with thinking on their feet, take time to think about the usual ways your co-workers mistreat you.  Once you are out of their presence come up with a list of replies you could’ve made but were too afraid to say in the moment.  Sample replies include:
•    “Wow, that was mean.”
•    “Your mean-spiritedness is shocking at times.”
•    “I’m tired of your insults. When you’re ready to be civil let me know.”
•    “I’m fine with talking about my work when you can do so calmly and without putting me down.”

All The Ways We Duck…And What It Costs Us

Time and time again, I’m hearing stories about people ducking in order to avoid an uncomfortable conversation, a possible conflict, an angry spouse, an annoying co-worker, etc.  Both men and women fall prey to the ducking phenomenon.  Not surprisingly, ducking works no better for men than it does for women.  Ducking is a bad move for anyone, regardless of whether they do it at home or work, or with friends, parents, siblings or children.

More often than not, the very thing that ducking is designed to do—get people off our backs—is the very thing it creates—people on our backs.  So many of us duck, though, because, in the short run, it does get us what we want.  It avoids a conflict, settles our partners down and gives us a respite from conflict...for the moment.  The problem happens later, when the issue resurfaces, when we didn’t do what we said we were going to do or when we refuse to discuss things in any meaningful way.

Here are several examples of the way we duck:
1.    Make promises we have no intention of keeping just to get someone to stop yelling, nagging or complaining.
2.    Avoid sharing information that we know will upset someone.  In other words, we partake in lies of omission and think it’s okay as long as it wasn’t an overt lie.
3.    Complain, rant and rave to our friends or co-workers about someone, yet never say anything to the person we’re upset with.
4.    Deny being upset with someone when they ask us directly, then go behind their back to tell others how angry we are.

Basic Rules Of Engagement For The Workplace: Be The Co-worker You Wish You Were Working With

This past week I’ve been preparing for a speech I’m giving for Zonta International regarding conflict in the workplace.  Not surprisingly, this preparation has led me to think quite a bit about work environments. In particular, I’ve been thinking about all the mean things co-workers are saying/doing and how much these behaviors are costing companies, families, communities and ultimately our world.

If you happen to be a person who is making snide comments, spreading rumors, sabotaging fellow employees or being mean spirited, then you might want to look at what’s making you feel so insecure that you need to tear others down…and yourself down in the process.

Below are rules of engagement for the workplace—follow them and hold others accountable for following them as well:
1.    Build co-workers up don’t tear them down.  When you tear down a colleague you harm your work environment; this leads to less productivity and financial loss.  In this economy, a reduction in productivity is the first step towards lay-offs –yours and your colleague’s.
2.    Be inclusive not exclusive.  If you’re having a team lunch—invite the team don’t exclude those less popular; you’re no longer in Junior High so make sure you’re not acting like you are.
3.    If you don’t have anything nice to say about a person…don’t say anything at all.  There is no reason to gossip about how someone dresses, looks, spends his/her time etc.  Pay attention to you and stop trying to get others to hate or make fun of them.  If you feel the need to bad mouth someone, look at what you’re jealous of, afraid of or threatened by; this is your issue not theirs.

Resolving Conflict: Simple Rules To Guide You

Conflict is inevitable.  Regardless of whether you’re the most down-to-earth, go-with-the-flow person in the world or a meticulous, type A personality, the reality is that you will experience conflict in your life.  The only true question regarding conflict is, therefore, not whether you will or won’t experience it, but how you will respond to it.

Conflicts, by themselves, are not a bad thing.  In fact, they can often be extremely helpful and productive when handled well.   Unfortunately, countless people don’t know how to resolve conflicts effectively and relationally.  Instead, some people try to avoid conflict at all cost while others get locked into a conflict at the drop of a hat.  Neither extreme is very effective. 

When it comes to conflicts, here are a few basic, easy-to-follow rules:

What NOT to do:
1.    Don’t silence: Silence is a guarantee that nothing will change.  It blocks all avenues to solution and keeps things stuck.  Do not walk away, give someone the cold shoulder or hope someone else will address the conflict for you.  Instead, step up and step in.  Deal with the issue directly and in a timely fashion.
2.    Don’t lie: Lying, speaking indirectly or sugar-coating information is frustrating to all involved.  The more indirect you are, the more confusing your message becomes.  It should not be up to the other person to decipher what you really mean.  They’re not mind-readers so don’t ask them to be.  Also, if you’re struggling to find the courage to speak honestly about an issue, then don’t speak about the issue until you find the courage to do so honestly.  Speak to the issue at hand in an honest, upfront way
3.    Don’t bully: Conflict does not have to be aggressive.  Make sure that you are respectful in all conflicts and not trying to bully your way through someone’s views, opinions or choices.  Be clear, be honest and even be firm if you need to be, but do not be abusive, threatening or intense.  Bullying makes you unsafe and rots out marriages, jobs and friendships.

Women Who Bully…and the Men Who Take It

There is endless information written on men who are abusive, intimidating or controlling of their partners.  There is much less written, however, about women who do the same.  Over the years I have worked with many women who fell into this same pattern of rage and control in their relationships with men. 

Although the women are fewer in numbers, the wrath they wield is intense, scary and damaging.

More often than not, I have found that men capitulate and duck in response to the violence of women just as I have found women to do the same in response to the violence of men.  (Note: Some also respond by returning rage with rage, but that’s a different post).  Not surprisingly, capitulating and ducking is no more effective when the men do it than it is when the women do it. 

Men and women duck, even though it’s ineffective, because of fear.  Women, not unlike men, are scary when they are highly reactive and prone to have fits of rage.  The male partners of these women believe there will be hell to pay if they do anything but give the women what they want.  Some of these men also try to avoid the women altogether, which only makes things worse.  Often, these men do indeed have reason to be fearful.  I’ve known several women to become physically violent, take extreme steps to get revenge on their partner or make threats about custody and financial ruin at various times in their relationships.  I have no doubt that these women meant what they said.  The men had no doubt as well.

ACTION VERSUS REACTION IN RELATIONSHIPS: Where is that pause button???

If you struggle with staying calm in times of upset, chances are you have a problem with reactivity.  If you find yourself frequently yelling, complaining, getting triggered about big things, small things, and even things that don’t have to do with you…chances are you struggle with reactivity.  If this continues, it’s likely to harm your health and your relationships.

 

Most people who are highly reactive blame their actions on the behavior of others and seldom think their reactivity is the problem.  They often justify their intensity because of the stupidity, irresponsibility, or thoughtless behavior of those around them.  They react, they believe, because others almost make them react.

 

The reality however, is they’re all highly reactive people.  People who’re highly reactive get annoyed fairly easily and respond to this annoyance or anger with intensity and no thought.  The repetitive thoughtless reaction creates significant problems in their relationships.