Straight Talk On Relationships

ACTION VERSUS REACTION IN RELATIONSHIPS: Where is that pause button???

If you struggle with staying calm in times of upset, chances are you have a problem with reactivity.  If you find yourself frequently yelling, complaining, getting triggered about big things, small things, and even things that don’t have to do with you…chances are you struggle with reactivity.  If this continues, it’s likely to harm your health and your relationships.

 

Most people who are highly reactive blame their actions on the behavior of others and seldom think their reactivity is the problem.  They often justify their intensity because of the stupidity, irresponsibility, or thoughtless behavior of those around them.  They react, they believe, because others almost make them react.

 

The reality however, is they’re all highly reactive people.  People who’re highly reactive get annoyed fairly easily and respond to this annoyance or anger with intensity and no thought.  The repetitive thoughtless reaction creates significant problems in their relationships.

 

RELATIONSHIP TRUISM: TRUST CAN TAKE A MOMENT TO BREAK AND A LIFETIME TO GET BACK

One of the most common things I see in my work with couples is a breach of trust. This breach can take the form of an affair, a hidden addiction, repetitive lies, misrepresentations of the facts (over and over again), broken promises etc. The fact that this occurs frequently may not be a surprise to anyone; people make mistakes and do things they regret all the time. As long as we are not repeating the same mistakes and are doing our best to repair them, then it’s just part of being human.

What is surprising to me however, is the expectation by the offending partner, that as soon as s/he apologizes, everything should go back to normal. This is crazy…especially if the damage s/he did was big (i.e. affair, addiction, repetitive lies and broken promises). In some cases, there isn’t even an apology and the offending partner feels entitled to forgiveness. This is even crazier!

The reality is: Trust can take a moment to break and a lifetime to get back.

The length of the road is largely determined by the offending partner and how s/he goes about repairing the damage done. If you do everything right, it may take only a couple years. If you don’t do everything right, you’re looking at a very long road.

ANGER IN RELATIONSHIPS: IS ANGER ALWAYS BAD?

A common misconception about anger is: anger’s always bad. It’s important to realize that anger in itself is a healthy emotion. It’s not good, bad, or otherwise, it just is. What gives anger a bad wrap however, is how it often gets expressed.

Like many other things in life, anger needs an outlet…and a container. Anger without an outlet remains unspoken and unspoken anger often turns into resentment. Anger without a container often becomes abuse and leads to relationship, emotional, career, and at times, even legal problems. Neither outcome is very positive and both the lack of expression and the over expression of anger has serious repercussions in relationships.

One problem, as I see it, is too many people have no idea what healthy anger looks like—so let me help. A healthy expression of anger is firm (a strong tone of voice yet not yelling or contemptuous), respectful (spoken using “I” statements, no swearing, name calling, or shaming), and clear (there is a targeted issue/problem that is the focus of the anger rather than an unending barrage of words and events that occurred years ago).

An example of healthy anger may sound like: “I’m very angry at how you spoke to our son. It is not okay with me for you to call him stupid or any other name for that matter. If that happens again, I will step in and remove him from your presence.”

An unhealthy expression of this same issue may sound like: “You are a son of a b*tch!! Who the hell do you think you are speaking to our son like that?! I’ll divorce you in a minute if you ever do that again!”

ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS: LISA"S REPLY

I received a comment on my post titled “Abusive Relationships” and thought it might be helpful for people who might be involved in an abusive relationship to read. So here's the comment and below is my response.

Anonymous wrote: I’m in an abusive relationship and every time I try to get out I always end up going back because something in my head tells me that I need him and that I love him.  I don’t know what to do. I can’t make myself stop loving him. I don’t even know why I love him. He physically and mentally abuses me almost every day but still I can’t find it in my heart to stop loving this dude. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I can’t even help myself so there’s no way any one else can and I don’t believe that I have a role in what’s taking place.

LISA'S REPLY: Let me start by saying you are not alone. There are many women who find themselves in a very similar situation as you. They continue to return to the abusive perpetrator again and again and struggle to figure out why. Thank you for sharing your story; I'm hopeful that it will help others in their journey.

You state that you can't make yourself stop loving him; I question if you really love him or if you are love-addicted to him. Love-addiction is not love; it is an unhealthy dependency that works very much the same way as drug or alcohol addiction. You are fine as long as he's in your life and you have your fix; however, if you don't have that drug then you are in a crash. If this sounds at all familiar to you I suggest you read Pia Mellody's book Facing Love Addiction.

Regardless of whether you love him or not, you do have control over whether you allow yourself to be abused by him. The only one who can protect yourself is you. You have no control over your boyfriend; however, you have total control of yourself. You decide if you stay, go, or plead for him to stop (which he won't do, by the way, just because you plead). You deserve to be treated with respect. You have the right to be loved, not beaten, and you are the only one who can enforce this right and stand up for yourself.

Where you get stuck, I'm assuming, is that you believe if you take a stand against the abuse that you will lose him. The truth is--you may. What you don't realize, however, is when you allow your fear to stop you from protecting yourself, you are putting yourself in further danger. Chances are slim to none that he will stop abusing you without significant consequences--either by you--or by outside systems (i.e., police, job, friends). Every time you go back to him after he beats you, you teach him that it's okay.

You also teach yourself that you are not worthy of protection. This is a lie--you are absolutely worthy of protection and I'm sorry no one ever taught this to you.

BLAMING AND DEFLECTING: AN OBSTACLE TO HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS

The last post I wrote about excusing behaviors due to good intentions. In general this is just another way that many of us deflect responsibility. For whatever reason, I have been running into this behavior left and right of late…so here’s a post on the larger issue of deflecting responsibility.

Deflecting responsibility may sound something like:
• “I didn’t mean to go behind your back I thought we talked about it.”
• “Look, I was drunk, I couldn’t help it!”

A more extreme form of deflecting responsibility is actually blaming our behavior on our partner’s behavior. This may sound like any of the following:
• “I was late because you gave me an impossible list of things to do and I couldn’t get them done in time.”
• “I was distant because you were relentless and wouldn’t let it go.”
• “I wouldn’t let it go, because you refused to hear me and talk about it.”

A major aspect of healthy relationships is taking responsibility for our own actions. We are human beings and will therefore make plenty of mistakes in our lifetime. The problem isn’t making mistakes. The problem is not owning them, or repairing. It’s also a problem if we keep repeating the same mistakes we just apologized for yesterday, last week, and last month.

ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

This post is a very difficult one for me to write because it’s contrary to the standard message around abuse. So…before you read this post, if you are in, or have ever been in, an abusive relationship (either verbally or physically), please use your boundaries while reading this.

Let me start by saying that I don’t believe anyone causes their partner to hit, swear at, threaten, shame, or hurt them in anyway…that choice is made solely by the perpetrator of the abuse. And yes, I do believe it’s a conscious choice that a partner makes to be abusive.

That said…although I don’t believe one partner causes another partner to be abusive; I do believe the partner who is being abused plays a huge role in the continuation of that abuse…

When individuals are being abused by a loved one and don’t stop it, they, by default, keep it going. In psychological terms, they enable their partner to be abusive. If someone doesn’t stop abuse, then they are allowing it to continue. Abuse cannot go on and on if there’s not a body to abuse.

CONFLICTS IN RELATIONSHIPS: Controlling the need to be right.

I’ve come across so many instances of people being right lately, that I've been compelled to write about it. Unfortunately, this also happens to be a place where I can certainly go myself, so I know this one first hand.

Being right entails a gathering of evidence, an explanation of facts, and often an air of superiority. The person is on a mission to prove his/her point, and will try to bring in evidence, other people, and whatever else is necessary, to show the other person the “truth” or the way things “really” are.

My mentor, Terrence Real, has a saying he shares with couples who struggle with the urge to be right. He tells them, “You can be right or you can be married. Which is more important to you?”

WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOUR BOYFRIEND PAYS MORE ATTENTION TO THE INTERNET THAN TO YOU?

My first question is what is he doing on the Internet? Is he doing work, looking at pornography, in chat rooms, playing video games, IM’ing someone or …? What’s keeping his attention?

It is becoming more and more common for people to come home from work, say hello and then go straight to the computer to do more work. They may start checking e-mails, finishing up “pressing” business, checking on ‘just one more thing’ and generally being unavailable to loves ones.

This happened with my husband and I, only both of us were doing work on the computer. One day I stopped and realized how distant we were becoming. I asked my husband if he had noticed and we both came up with a plan to reconnect. We agreed to have a half hour of uninterrupted conversation (no TV.) and only use computers if it was an emergency. We made the decision to put us before our computers. Now, as I write this, I realize we may need to have another talk… (Thank-you for the reminder).

So if your boyfriend or loved one is paying more attention to the internet than to you, and it is not pornography he/she is looking at, then your first step is to start with a conversation. Sit your partner down and let him/her know how his/her behavior is impacting you. Offer your partner a solution to the problem and see if he/she agrees to make a change.

Offering your partner a solution is important. Come up with two possible alternatives and ask him if he is willing to try one of them. This allows him a way to repair, and it gets out of the complain and blame game.

The worst thing you can do is say nothing while you steadily boil over with anger, resentment or hopelessness. You also don’t want to do the opposite and make biting comments every time he’s at the computer (I.e. “Oh, there you go again at that damn computer”). Remember to say it straight and ask for what you want.

Challenge: If there is something your partner is doing that is bothering you take a moment to come up with two possible solutions. Pick a time that is good for both of you to talk and then say it straight and ask for what you want.

Note: If it is pornography he is looking at, that topic will be in a future blog.

NEGOTIATING DIFFERENCES

Negotiating differences requires that we come from a why position rather than a what position. When we focus on what we want rather than why we want it, we are stuck with only two solutions, yours and mine.

If we choose either of these, one of us wins and one of us loses. This is great when I win. Not so great when I lose. Instead, if we pay attention to why it is we want what we want, then the door opens to a myriad of possible solutions.

In our house, I like a lot of light--the brighter, the better. My husband hates a lot of light. For the first several years of our marriage (I was a bit slow on the uptake), one of us was always a little less than satisfied. Some nights I would have the overhead light on while my husband cringed. Other nights he’d have the lamp on while I squinted.

This went on, until one day, we actually talked about why I wanted the overhead on and why he hated the overhead (this was a “light-bulb moment” for us--no pun intended).

We discovered that he was fine with more light. He just didn’t want the overhead light on because fluorescent lighting bothers his eyes. I was fine with not having the overhead light on, but one lamp was not enough light for me. Solution: we bought a second lamp and I make sure we use bulbs with maximum wattage.

We never would have come to this solution if we didn’t let go of what we wanted and instead looked at why we wanted it.

When we are struggling with our partner about an issue it is not helpful to continually restate what it is we want. Chances are our partner knew what we wanted the first six times we said it--saying it another six is not going to help clarify anything or change our partner’s mind. Our partner is not giving us what we want because--surprise--it’s not what s/he wants.

When we take a moment to step back a bit and let go of both solutions, we make room for a third one that is often better than the first two.

Challenge: The next time you and your partner are disagreeing about what you want remember to focus on the why. Step back and try to create a third solution--one that works for both of you.