Straight Talk On Relationships

ARE YOU COVERING FOR YOUR PARTNER’S RELATIONAL MALICE? IF SO, STOP IT AND ALLOW THEM TO FEEL THE BRUNT OF THEIR ACTIONS

I’ve heard so many stories through the years of people covering up for their partner’s rude, violent, insensitive, arrogant and general mean-spirited behaviors that I’m a bit shell-shocked from them.  Below are several real life examples I’ve heard, seen or experienced over the years.  Although names and identifiable details have been changed, the stories are true.

•    Karen and Fred are at a party when their son runs up crying because his brother just hit him.  Fred becomes furious.  His face turns red and he demands that his other son come over to him, “RIGHT THIS VERY MINUTE, DAMN YOU!!!”  When his son comes over, Fred grabs him by the arm and yanks him away from the guests, yelling at him the entire time.  Karen looks at her friends and says, “His bark truly is worse than his bite.”  She then moves on to tell a comical story to lighten the tension.  When her husband returns she acts as if nothing happened and tells him she’s glad to see him.
•    Barbara and Stan are at a large family gathering, engaging in a large scale discussion with everyone at the table.  Barbara offers an opinion that differs from Stan’s.  Before she knows what happened, Stan throws his drink all over her.  Barbara makes light of it and pretends Stan was being playful.  She later acts as if nothing happened and the incident is never discussed again.
•    Betsy and John are out to dinner with friends.  John is ferociously flirting with Betsy’s friend, who is starting to feel uncomfortable.  When Betsy’s friend tells her that John is hitting on her, Betsy tries to brush it off by saying that’s just how John is.  She swears that John doesn’t mean anything by it.  When her friend tries to stress how disrespectful it is to Betsy, Betsy laughs it off and says it’s just a game she and John play with one another.  After all, she points out, she’s the one John will be going home with. 
•    Greg and Brenda are browsing through stores one afternoon, looking for clothes for Brenda.  When a salesperson doesn’t respond in the way Brenda wants, Brenda becomes enraged.  She begins to yell at the store clerk, call her names and become very intimidating.  Greg does the best he can to calm Brenda down and is finally able to coax her out of the store by joining in Brenda’s story that the sales clerk was rude.  He tells Brenda they should go spend their money in a store that will treat her better.  He never once addresses Brenda’s behavior.  He is just relieved that he got her to settle down.

RELATIONSHIP SILENCE: DOES SILENCE HELP YOUR RELATIONSHIP AND PROTECT YOUR PARTNER FROM PAIN?

I continue to see more and more female clients who’ve been unhappy in their relationships for years, yet have said little or nothing about it.  They’ve tried to do what their partners wanted, be sexual if their partners asked, not complain when they didn’t like something and be supportive of their partners at all costs.

After years of bottling everything up, the couples typically come into my office either because the women have threatened to leave the relationship or the men are unhappy with their sex life.  As I ask more questions, it’s evident that the women have been unhappy for years and the men had no idea.  Many of the women complained very little throughout the years, “hoping” they would feel more love for their partners.  When this didn’t happen, they lost all sexual desire for their partners and subsequently stopped having sex with them.

Often these women blamed their lack of sexual desire on themselves and continued saying nothing about their unhappiness in the relationship.  The men believed they were content.

A HEALTHIER YOU CREATES A HEALTHIER WE: TEN WAYS TO BUILD YOUR INTERNAL STRENGTH

I tell people all the time that they deserve to be treated well; many say they know, yet few live like they do.  Healthy relationships start with you; they start from the inside out.  If your partner’s unhealthy and you’re with him/her, then you are unhealthy too.  The bottom line is healthy people don’t settle for unhealthy relationships.

If you’re in an unhealthy relationship or have a history of unhealthy relationships work on getting yourself healthier. The key place to start is with practicing healthy self-esteem.  If you believe you are worthy, capable, and deserving, than you will attract others who believe you are the same…and who treat you as though you are.

Below are several things you can do to get yourself healthier and stronger; choose three of these and begin working on you today so you will have a healthier and more fulfilling we tomorrow.

CHANGE IN RELATIONSHIPS: IS IT POSSIBLE? IF SO, HOW DO I TELL IF MY PARTNER’S PROMISES (AND CHANGES) ARE REAL?

This must be the month of make ups?  People keep asking me what they should do in response to their partner saying s/he is willing to change and wants to work on things.  Some are doubtful their partner is capable of change, others are worried the change won’t last since this isn’t the first time their partner has promised to change, and some aren’t sure they want their partner even if s/he does change.  So what’s a person to do?

 

First let me state that I believe most, if not all, people are capable of change.  Substantial, life-altering, lasting change can and does happen…when a person is truly committed to changing.  So if you’re wondering if change is even possible, the answer is absolutely.  If however, you’re wondering if your partner is going to change, the answer is…I have no idea.

 

All is not lost however since there are some tell-tale signs that a person is committed to change.  Look these over and see if you get a sense of what your partner’s level of commitment is. 

 

• They are backing their words up with actions and you can actually see the changes.  I often tell clients to ignore the promises and look at the actions.  If your partner is promising to be kinder yet every time s/he gets angry you feel the brunt of that energy, then change is not looking good.  If s/he promises to be home more yet continues to be make excuses for not being around, then don’t be too optimistic about change.  If, on the other hand, your partner is already incorporating positive changes that you see and feel, then that’s a great sign.

PART II: THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE IS THE ONE WITH YOUR SELF: Quick tips (numbers six through ten) to get you on the right track

Here are the remaining five tips to help you start creating a healthier relationship with yourself.  Best of luck and let us know how it goes!

TIPS 6-10:

6.  Do not excuse abusive behavior for any reason.  Too often people make excuses for their partner’s inexcusable behaviors by saying s/he was stressed, drunk, not feeling well, hurt, upset, depressed, etc.  Stop the excuses.  It doesn’t matter why someone’s mean to you, what matters is that they are mean.  We’re all stressed, struggling, worried, etc., at some point in our lives, that doesn’t give us the right to take it out on other people.  They need to stop that behavior or you need to move on.

7.  Own your worth.  Every single human being in this world has the same inherent worth as the next one.  No one is worth any more than or less than anyone else.  Every person is either someone’s son or someone’s daughter; a life is a life.  We are all equal.  Know this, own this, and live by this.  You have a right to be on this planet and your presence impacts this planet.  If you struggle with this then use affirmations to help strengthen your sense of worth.  State twenty-five times a day, for thirty days, the following:  “I am absolutely worthy to be in this world and I deserve to be treated well, by all people, at all times.”

THE MOST IMPORTANT RELATIONSHIP IN YOUR LIFE IS THE ONE WITH YOUR SELF: Five (of ten) quick tips to get you on the right track

Taking care of your is so vital to a healthy, fulfilling life that professionals, lay people, clergy, and even business organizations sing its praises.  The airlines stress it (put the oxygen mask on yourself first, then the children), therapists give it as homework (focus on positive self talk and affirmations), and life coaches center their businesses on helping clients achieve it (creating work and life balance).

Self care is vital to having healthy relationships yet so few people know how to do it.  Here are the first five quick, easy tips that will get you started on the right step for healthy relationships.  The next post will have the remaining five (in the spirit of keeping posts short but sweetJ).  Start incorporating these into your life today and feel the shift in your self and your relationships tomorrow.

1.  Remove ALL negative self talk from your life permanently.  When you make a mistake, look for the gift in it.  All mistakes have something to teach us so look for the lesson and stop with the put downs.  When you hear that inner voice calling you stupid, ugly, fat, or…(fill in the blank), silence it; don’t give it more than a second’s notice and remind your self that talking negatively is not going to help you or anyone else.

2.  Remove all disrespect from your life.  Know that you deserve to be treated well by all people, at all times…and settle for nothing less than that.  Also know that those around you deserve to be treated well at all times, by all people (including you) so do not be disrespectful to others under any circumstances either.

STAND BY YOUR MAN…TO DO OR NOT TO DO: SHOULD GOVERNOR ELIOT SPITZER’S WIFE BE STANDING BY HER MAN…LITERALLY?

Another one bites the dust; it seems as though the politicians in this country are dropping like flies.  Whether it’s a heterosexual affair with an intern, a gay affair with another man, or string of sexual indiscretions with prostitutes, things are heating up in the political world. 

Unfortunately it is not only the offending individuals who are paying the price.

The ripple effect of these betrayals is enormous, touching the lives of the spouses, children, colleagues, employees, and our entire political system.  The spouses are devastated, the children ridiculed and teased, employees are forced to clean out their offices while the next political target comes in, and the faith in our Nations’ political system is shaken once again.

The behavior of one, impacts the lives of many... 

CODEPENDENCY AND HEALTHY RELATIONSHIPS DO NOT MIX: THE ART OF LETTING GO

People throw around the term codependency all the time; professionals talk about it, lay people wonder about it, and alcoholics and their partners live with it. Few people, however, truly know what it is.

Melody Beattie has an excellent book on codependency titled, Codependent No More. If you’ve ever wondered if you’re codependent or were curious about what codependency is, this is the book for you.

Melody’s definition is: “A codependent person is one who has let another person’s behavior affect him or her, and who is obsessed with controlling that person’s behavior. “

Most codependents who read this definition would likely say they are not codependent. Let me help clarify for a minute. Codependents become highly reactive to the behaviors of others. Codependents are very in tune to the people they care about and are frequently pointing out: what their partner’s doing, what their partner should be doing, why their partner is doing what their doing, how their partner’s behavior is related to their family of origin issues and on and on.

Codependents find it nearly impossible to stay out of their partner’s business. They see better, know better, and are responsible for making their partners better. They are often sure they know the cure for their partner’s ailments and they do anything in their power to change their partners so they can feel more comfortable in the relationship.

DON'T EXPECT YOUR PARTNER TO LOVE YOU UNCONDITIONALLY; UNCONDITIONAL LOVE IS FOR CHILDREN ONLY

I just read a post on another blog about the importance of loving your partner unconditionally. I couldn’t disagree more on this point. The idea that you should love your partner no matter what s/he does to you is absurd and dangerous thinking I believe.

As parents we love are children unconditionally. It’s our job to let them know that they are loved no matter what. We give them as much love, guidance, and limits as we possibly can and we love them always. Ideally our parents gave the same to us so that we could then grow up and take care of ourselves.

In our adult relationships however, the same rules don’t apply. In these relationships we are responsible for taking care of ourselves; we no longer can rely on our parents or others to protect us and keep us safe. We are also responsible for our actions and need to realize that there are consequences for them.

No longer do we have the right to expect unconditional love from our partners. If we treat our partners in hurtful ways, we run the risk of losing them. We do not have the right to have affairs, be dismissive, cold, harsh, controlling, or rageful and then expect our partners to still be there.

CARETAKING AND RELATIONSHIPS: IT’S NOT ALWAYS AS “NICE” AS IT SEEMS

Many women complain about irresponsible, selfish husbands. They even joke about their husband being another child they have to take care of. Some husbands sheepishly grin when they hear their wives say this, while others are offended.

I’m… often curious.

When I hear a woman (note: men also can be in this role) talk about how she’s responsible for: insuring the house is clean; dinner is on the table; all appointments are made and kept; the children are fed, bathed, and finished with their homework; her husband is sexually happy and emotionally taken care of; and on and on…I can’t help but wonder why she is married.

I view marriage as an equal partnership, a place for two loving individuals to come together to co-create a life together. Both partners are equally responsible for being a team player and doing his/her part. Each partner is responsible for getting their needs met within the relationship while also honoring their partner’s needs.

Some people are natural caretakers and enjoy doing a lot for other people. When this is returned, there’s nothing wrong with it. When one person continually does almost everything while their partner does little, however, this is a breeding ground for resentment.

When it doesn’t lead to resentment, there’s often a veil of co-dependence that is clouding the person’s ability to be an equal partner. This is no better than resentment.