The Ties That Bind Us

In my work with women throughout the years, I’ve found many beliefs that keep women down.  Some of these beliefs have come from our up-bringing, some have come from our culture and some have come from our own internal processes.  Until women begin to look at these beliefs and truly challenge them, we will likely continue to struggle in far too many relationships in our lives.

Below are the five most common beliefs that I believe wreak havoc in the lives of women today:
1.    Women need to be nice.  From birth, women are constantly told to be “nice.”  We’re told to not hurt anyone’s feelings, put a smile on, make people comfortable, etc.  The problem with this message is that “nice” ends up meaning to sacrifice one’s self for the greater good of everyone else.  Sacrificing ourselves so others feel okay is a crazy notion that is hurting women and our culture at large.  Until women learn to stand up for ourselves, we are destined to pay a heavy price.
2.    Women need a man to feel worthy/okay/complete.  From a young age, the pressure on females to have a boyfriend and, later, a husband is enormous.  For some reason, our world leads us to believe that the attention of males in some way legitimizes the worthiness of females.  This is crazy and dangerous thinking that sets young girls and women up to be abused and taken advantage of in relationships.  Until females are taught to believe in themselves in their own right, we will continue to have far too many crimes against women.  A man does not complete a woman.  She was already complete long before the man came along.  A man (if he’s a good man) simply adds to her life and vice-a-versa.

Resentment In Relationships: Are Others To Blame For Your Resentment?

Resentments creep up in relationships all the time.  You’re resentful that your partner works all the time.  You’re resentful that your boss gave your co-worker a raise, but not you.  You feel resentment at your parents for the way they raised you and now expect you to take care of them.  You’re resentful that your children take advantage of you…and on and on.

The truth is that resentments can grow at an absurd rate if you’re not careful.  I say if YOU are not careful…because YOU are the only one responsible for your resentments.  Your resentments are not the fault of other people. 

Take that in for a minute…your resentments are not because of other people or their behavior. 

I realize that when you read the above statements it may be a bit difficult to take in, and even more difficult to actually believe.  You may believe that your feeling resentful at someone is, in fact, because of the other person’s behavior and therefore your resentments are the other person’s fault.  You may also feel very righteous about this. 

When You Don’t Take Care Of You, Other’s Don’t Take Care Of You Either

Over the years, I’ve worked with countless women who have centered their entire lives around taking care of others.  If their husbands wanted to take a job that involved excessive traveling, crazy work hours and almost no time with family—no problem.  The women would, in essence, become a single parent and pick up the slack for their husbands’ absences.  If the children wanted to be involved in countless activities, have their mother’s constant, undivided attention and limitless nurturance—by all means the women would become super moms and make that happen.  If their friends needed their help at the drop of the hat, again and again and again—no problem.  After all what are friends for, right?

The funny thing about working with all these women is they are often some of the kindest, most giving people you will ever meet.  They are also some of the most taken–advantage-of people I’ve met. 
•    The women with the traveling, workaholic husbands often come in heart-broken that their husbands have been having an on-going affair with a co-worker—while their wives keep the home life together so the husband can travel.
•    The “nurtured” children often boss “mom” around, talk disrespectfully and expect her to do what they want when they want.
•    Many of the women’s “friends” have a history of being very good at asking for help, yet not at all skilled at offering help.  The end result: the care-taking women end up giving and giving and giving, but receive very little in return (not only from friends, but from most people in their lives).

Part I: What is Co-dependency?

Below is a post from my new blog http://lmerlobooth.typepad.com/straight_talk_4_women/ Enjoy!

Countless women I see are struggling with issues of codependency and it’s killing their relationships (men can also be codependent).  The tip off for me of codependence is desperation to make a relationship work despite countless signs that it’s not a healthy relationship.  The person may be in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship yet stay for years because they “love” the abuser for example.  This desperation often leads the codependent into twisting themselves into a pretzel to try to make the other person happy and the relationship to work.  Below are several red flags for codependency:

1.    An unhealthy reliance on others to make you happy.
2.    Putting the needs of others above your own needs and wants.
3.    Going out of your way to get someone’s love, acceptance or attention even at your own expense.
4.    A belief that the attention and love of another is what will make you happy.
5.    A strong desire to care-take another despite their constant attempts to push you away or get you to stop.
6.    Frequent attempts to control the other person’s actions, behaviors, choices etc.
7.     Excessive analyzing or preoccupation of another person’s actions, thoughts, deep-seated issues as you see them or feelings.
8.    The grandiose belief that you know what’s best for the other person, what they need and/or what they’re emotionally hiding.

In general, codependence is almost an obsession about gaining the attention, love and affection of another person and being willing to do anything to make that happen.  Often this need clouds a person’s judgment to such a degree that they fail to see the countless signs right in front of them telling them this relationship is unhealthy.  If they do know the relationship is unhealthy, they often are at a loss as to how to change it or unhook from it because they can’t bear to be at odds with the person or relationship. 

If codependents aren’t trying to twist themselves into a pretzel to try to satisfy the other person, then they’re often trying to twist the other person into a pretzel to try to change for the codependent. The person who struggles with codependency will often try to get the other person to see the error of their ways and to change.  Codependents often think, “If s/he would just do… (Fill in the blank), everything would be fine.”  They then spend much of their time trying to get the other person to just do…--so things will be okay.  Of course, neither twisting himself or herself into a pretzel nor twisting the other person into a pretzel works.

If you believe you struggle with codependency your first step towards change is to get your eyes on you and off of the other person.  Remember that contrary to Tom Cruise’s line in Jerry Maguire, only YOU complete you.  Stop looking for someone else to do that for you.

Challenge: If you think you struggle with codependency, look at some of the signs above, read about it, get curious and be open to looking at yourself.  Stop tying to figure out what’s wrong with the other person and start looking at where you’re off. 
Stay tuned for Part II of Codependency: How to Stop Being Codependent

Lessons to Learn From the Fall of Three Powerful Men

Too many women are wooed by money, fame and power.  Add a man to any of these and they serve as an almost irresistable aphrodisiac to countless women.  What is going on with so many women when it comes to men?  It seems that men, money, fame and power leave far too many women blinded.  In some cases, women are blinded by men period.  What is up?

There are several lessons to learn from the recent falls of these powerful men and I pray that women reading this truly take these lessons to heart.
1.    Respect yourself.  If you don’t have enough self-respect to see yourself as an equal to any man—and yes these men as well—then no man will treat you as an equal.  Don’t try to dress provocatively to get a man’s attention—it cheapens you.  Don’t tell him what you think he wants to hear—you will lose yourself. And, don’t sleep with him in order to keep him—he’s a louse if he would leave because you wouldn’t sleep with him. If having a man in your life is your goal, trust me you are aiming far too low.
2.    If it looks like a duck, acts like a duck and walks like a duck…it’s a duck.  These men and many more like them, had glaring red flags regarding their treatment of women.  Several women came forward over the years stating that Arnold sexually assaulted, groped or sexually harassed them.  Dominic Strauss-Kahn was known for his “womanizing” which is the least of his offenses.  Weiner reports, "My wife has known about some of these online relationships since before we were married".  Dare to see what’s right in front of you and don’t try to dress it up to be something different—it’s not.
3.    You will not change him.  Women start relationships with men who are known “players”, flirts, partiers etc., thinking they will be the one to change him.  This is crazy thinking.  For one thing why in the world would you want to be with a guy who has a history of playing women, getting drunk all the time or flirting with your friends? Women—listen up:  The men are showing and telling you who they are as men from the moment you first meet them.  Often they do this with a figurative gigantic neon sign—open your eyes and read it, don’t try to find the white out and change it.
4.    Respect other women. Don’t be so desperate for the attention of men that you go after another woman’s partner.  Please, if he’s willing to cheat on his girlfriend or wife you better know that he’d be willing to cheat on you as well. If he likes you that much then he wouldn’t be sneaking around with you…even if you were his housekeeper. Never allow yourself to be with another woman’s husband/paramour—you deserve better than that and so does she.

Women are pivotal to the process of change in our world. One vital change we need is for the treatment of women to be more respectful, less sexualized and less violent.  This shift can only happen when we, as women first and foremost respect ourselves.  

Challenge: Have the courage to learn from the fall of these three men: respect yourself, don’t wear blinders, respect other women and don’t think you can change a man.

NOTE: For another perspective on this read http://tinyurl.com/5t9z8qv from my Straight Talk 4 Women blog

Are You Your Own Worst Enemy? Moving From Enemy To Best Friend

One of the most damaging things we do to ourselves is to beat ourselves up with our words.  Men, women and children, alike, are constantly putting themselves down in both their thoughts and words.

The constant barrage of toxic messages we feed ourselves sounds like this:
•    I’m so stupid.
•    I’m lazy.
•    I’m a procrastinator.
•    I’m fat.
•    What a klutz!
•    I’ll never amount to anything.
•    I don’t have what it takes.
•    I’ll never find anyone. No one will ever want me. I should just take what I can get.
•    I’m so disorganized.
•    I suck. I’m such a loser.
•    I’m an idiot.
 
All of the statements above -- and the thousand other similar statements we make to ourselves -- are what a client once called stinkin’ thinkin’.  This type of thinking is toxic.  It not only starts to slowly chip away at our souls, it also begins to seep into our lives and our relationships. 

How Do I Intervene in Other People’s Behaviors? Part II

Below are a few more tips on how to intervene in the bad behavior of others:
•    Your father is emotionally abusive to your mother and has been for years.  Every time you visit, he’s putting your mother down, ordering her around and snapping at her.  You find yourself not wanting to go over.  You also noticed that it takes you a couple of days to “detox” from that environment.  What are your options?
o    Hold a figurative mirror up to your dad: “Wow, Dad, that was mean.  Do you hear how you talk to Mom?” (Low risk).
o    Another low risk response would be: “Dad, did you mean to ask her if she would please bring you a drink of water?”
o    A higher risk response would be to directly set a limit: “Dad, it’s not okay to tell Mom she’s stupid.  And Mom, I hate watching you just take Dad’s treatment. As much as I love both of you, I’m realizing that I don’t like staying at your home because it’s too hard to watch you two interact for a prolonged period of time.”  The next time I come to visit, I’m going to stay in a hotel. (Moderate risk)
o    Finally, you can refuse to visit them together until your father can be respectful.  “Mom and Dad, I love you both very much and want to see you both.  However, I’m finding it difficult to be in the same room with the two of you together due to how you both are with each other.  Dad, you treat Mom terribly and Mom you just sit there and take it.  I realize this is your marriage and there’s nothing I can do about it, however, I don’t want to watch it anymore.  From now on, I will no longer be coming over to visit the two of you together.  I’m happy to have lunch with either one of you alone or to have one of you visit me at a time, but I’m no longer willing to just sit back and watch you two interact.  If things change, I will be happy to revisit this decision.” (High risk)

How To Stand Up For Yourself Without Falling Apart

Below is a post from my new blog http://lmerlobooth.typepad.com/straight_talk_4_women/ Enjoy!

One of my blog readers wrote in to say that she’d like to stand up for herself at work but was fearful that if she did she would be too emotional if she stood up to them.  She’d been able to maintain her composure to date by ignoring her co-workers comments even though she felt degraded on the inside.  How could she learn to stand up without becoming tearful or emotional in the process?

This is a great question and one that many women struggle with.  The reality is that when we first begin to stand up for ourselves it can be a scary process.  The best way to limit the chance of becoming emotional in our response to mistreatment is by starting small keeping our replies short and to the point. Do not start by taking on the most difficult issues first.

Keeping our replies short and to the point will be easier to do for those who are good at thinking quickly.  For those who are not so good with thinking on their feet, take time to think about the usual ways your co-workers mistreat you.  Once you are out of their presence come up with a list of replies you could’ve made but were too afraid to say in the moment.  Sample replies include:
•    “Wow, that was mean.”
•    “Your mean-spiritedness is shocking at times.”
•    “I’m tired of your insults. When you’re ready to be civil let me know.”
•    “I’m fine with talking about my work when you can do so calmly and without putting me down.”

Women Who Bully…and the Men Who Take It

There is endless information written on men who are abusive, intimidating or controlling of their partners.  There is much less written, however, about women who do the same.  Over the years I have worked with many women who fell into this same pattern of rage and control in their relationships with men. 

Although the women are fewer in numbers, the wrath they wield is intense, scary and damaging.

More often than not, I have found that men capitulate and duck in response to the violence of women just as I have found women to do the same in response to the violence of men.  (Note: Some also respond by returning rage with rage, but that’s a different post).  Not surprisingly, capitulating and ducking is no more effective when the men do it than it is when the women do it. 

Men and women duck, even though it’s ineffective, because of fear.  Women, not unlike men, are scary when they are highly reactive and prone to have fits of rage.  The male partners of these women believe there will be hell to pay if they do anything but give the women what they want.  Some of these men also try to avoid the women altogether, which only makes things worse.  Often, these men do indeed have reason to be fearful.  I’ve known several women to become physically violent, take extreme steps to get revenge on their partner or make threats about custody and financial ruin at various times in their relationships.  I have no doubt that these women meant what they said.  The men had no doubt as well.

Self-care and Relationships

Because today is my birthday, I thought I’d write about self-care.  I'm happy to report that today has been a great self-care day.  I was treated to breakfast and presents in bed (a family tradition), a day of shopping and a nice lunch.  Aaah, I feel rested and much more able to be present for my family when they return home.

So often in life, we’re running around so fast that we forget to slow down and enjoy the little things in life.  When we slow down, it allows calm to set in.  Calm is great for relationships.  Pausing long enough to feel some calm is great for us to do for ourselves and for us partners to do for one another.

Below are tips to help with the self-care; dare to pause and integrate some of these tips into your everyday lives.

SELF-CARE:

•    Take time off.  Whether it’s for your birthday, mental health or physical health, learn to take a break.  If you work, schedule some free time occasionally—that’s why ALL companies provide vacation days.  Companies know that if you’re burned out, you’re not helping them as best you can.  If you’re work is at home managing the children and the household, get some respite.  You should not be working 24/7 anymore than your spouse should be at the office 24/7.  Stop the guilt and TAKE TIME OFF.
•    Treat yourself.  Think about all the things you like to do, have, experience etc., and commit to treating yourself at least once a quarter.  These can be lunches with friends, a day at a spa, a body massage, a movie, a walk in the park, a glass of wine with a dear friend etc.  What you do is not important; doing it--is.