Sometimes You Have To Yell—Don’t You?
Below is an excerpt from a recent a note I received from a woman:
“…If I remain calm and peaceful he takes it as a sign that he can walk all over me. Us women are so conditioned to take it all with a calm and sweet smile. What kind of world have we created for our daughters and us? Women in general are still dealing with a lot of oppression and inequality in our society. I do not know one woman that has not suffered from it in one way or another-- being bullied at home, on the street, at work, at school, a man controlling, belittling, not regarding women as equal, but something to dominate and manipulate. You are very fortunate if your husband does not take advantage of your calm composure. Many of us will only have to endure more laughing in our face and more oppression if we do not stand up, rock the boat and claim or human rights, whispering or screaming, ‘Enough! I can’t take this any more.’”
In my work with women over the years I have heard this sentiment over and over again. In fact, I see this sentiment play out all over the world with both men and women. In general, when people get angry they either bully through people with their anger or duck in the face of anger. Some people duck then bully. The end result is people behaving in the extremes. Behaving in the extremes, though, is not helping us. When we bully, we’re being abusive and when we’re ducking we’re allowing ourselves to be abused. Neither of these responses is okay or effective.
It is true that women do indeed need to rock the boat. It is also true that women continue to this day to be bullied, gawked at, controlled, belittled and treated as anything but equals by far too many people in the world. It is not true, however, that women yelling about it is going to change anything. In my work with women and couples, I see far too many women doing nothing but yelling…and it is NOT working. If women scream and yell that they can’t take it anymore -- and then they stay there and take it -- their words mean nothing.




