Is Avoiding Conflict Really Helping You? The Cost Of Ducking

Many people struggle with conflict.  Some bully their way through conflict, while others duck to avoid conflict at all cost.  Although there have been tons of information about the pitfalls of bullying and rage on relationships, often people forget about the pitfalls of ducking from hard issues.  They frequently believe that because ducking avoids a fight, it’s a healthy choice to make in response to conflict.  They couldn’t be further from the truth. 

Contrary to popular belief, ducking is anything but a good response to conflict in relationships.  Ducking can take on many different forms and is an equal opportunity response to conflict -- both men and women duck.  People can duck by getting silent and refusing to speak about an issue.  They can duck by becoming passive-aggressive and indirectly complaining without ever directly addressing the issue.  They can change the subject, shut the conversation down, placate, over-accommodate or pretend they’re okay with an issue only to later complain about it under their breath.  They can lie and say everything is fine, smile instead of frown and pretend rather than be real.  The truth is, there are probably countless ways to duck when it comes to conflict.  Not surprisingly, however, regardless of which approach we use, ducking is not helpful

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The Ties That Bind Us

In my work with women throughout the years, I’ve found many beliefs that keep women down.  Some of these beliefs have come from our up-bringing, some have come from our culture and some have come from our own internal processes.  Until women begin to look at these beliefs and truly challenge them, we will likely continue to struggle in far too many relationships in our lives.

Below are the five most common beliefs that I believe wreak havoc in the lives of women today:
1.    Women need to be nice.  From birth, women are constantly told to be “nice.”  We’re told to not hurt anyone’s feelings, put a smile on, make people comfortable, etc.  The problem with this message is that “nice” ends up meaning to sacrifice one’s self for the greater good of everyone else.  Sacrificing ourselves so others feel okay is a crazy notion that is hurting women and our culture at large.  Until women learn to stand up for ourselves, we are destined to pay a heavy price.
2.    Women need a man to feel worthy/okay/complete.  From a young age, the pressure on females to have a boyfriend and, later, a husband is enormous.  For some reason, our world leads us to believe that the attention of males in some way legitimizes the worthiness of females.  This is crazy and dangerous thinking that sets young girls and women up to be abused and taken advantage of in relationships.  Until females are taught to believe in themselves in their own right, we will continue to have far too many crimes against women.  A man does not complete a woman.  She was already complete long before the man came along.  A man (if he’s a good man) simply adds to her life and vice-a-versa.

Reasons It’s Vital To Speak Up In Relationships

Too often, too many people stay silent in response to mistreatment or upset.  Regardless of whether the other person is your partner, spouse or friend, speaking up about issues that are bothering you is vital to healthy relationships. 

Below are five reasons why speaking up is so important:

1.    Silence often leads to resentment. When we stay silent about things that bother us, those upsets often turn into resentments.  The more we stifle our upsets, the more resentful we get about the person’s poor treatment of us.  As a result, our anger and upset will often come out sideways (passive-aggressive) or through angry outbursts and blow-ups.
2.    Resentment rots out relationships. Countless unspoken upsets lead to a natural buildup of a wall of resentments.  Eventually too many resentments erode relationships.
3.    Solution is impossible without conversation. If you stay silent about an issue, it makes it impossible to resolve that issue or your negative feelings about it.  You cannot blame other people for not changing their behavior if you haven’t spoken about it to them.

When It Comes To Speaking, Less Is Often More

I often watch couples in my office struggle with the ripple effect caused by using a “wall of words.”  A wall of words is when a person speaks on and on about an issue, complaint, story, idea or piece of information to such a degree that they lose the attention of the person they are speaking with.  Women, in particular, struggle with using a wall of words.  As a result, the men in their lives end up tuning the women out.

Using a wall of words is not the same as discussing an issue, sharing feelings or having interesting conversations.  All of these actions are healthy forms of communication.  When women use a wall of words it can sound like nervous chatter, restating of the information again and again, random thoughts, belaboring a point and overall excessive talk.  Often the women are aware of this pattern, however have a difficult time controlling it.  If they are not aware of this habit, they often are aware of their partners tuning them out or not listening.

Women - It’s Time to Step Up and Stop Accepting Toxic Relationships

Below is a post from my new blog http://lmerlobooth.typepad.com/straight_talk_4_women/ Enjoy!

I hear story after tragic story of women in relationships with men who ignore them, cheat  on them, yell at them, belittle them and even hit them.  Again and again these women excuse the men’s behaviors because he’s stressed or sick or had a tough upbringing or got laid off or was hurt by something she said, or he hates women because of his mother or…  Ugh.  STOP THE EXCUSES---PLEASE!!!!  There is NO excuse for poor treatment.  Period.

The woman responds to poor treatment by trying to get the man to see how hurtful he’s being.  She begs, pleads and demands that he treat her better.  She hopes, dreams and wishes that he’d treat her better.  She silences, accommodates, placates and enables, in the hopes that he’ll see the error of his ways and change.  She continues to use one, two or all of these approaches again and again and again, hoping that some day, they will magically work.  They never magically work.  She continues endlessly to try to change him. 

Women stay in these relationships, allowing their spirits to get chipped away on a daily basis.  These are not relationships with minor bumps in the road.  These are not average relationships with occasional struggles.  These women stay in relationships that are emotionally toxic.  Relationships where their thoughts and feelings are constantly minimized, dismissed and treated as silly, insignificant, stupid.  These relationships are toxic to women, families and our world.

Women will forever be in these types of relationships if they don’t stop trying to change this kind of treatment.  As long as women continue to plead, demand, cry, etc. in the hope of changing him, they will be stuck in the same miserable relationships their entire lives.

Stop it and step up. 

The only way to change these relationships is to take your eyes off him and get them on you.  Pay attention to the thousands of ways you teach him that the ways he treats you are okay.  Get conscious of all the mixed messages, watered down messages and empty threats you send.  Pay attention to YOU.  The way you change your relationships is by changing how YOU are in them. 

The way you change verbal abuse is by not taking verbal abuse.  The way you stop physical violence is by not taking physical violence.  The way you stop his belittling, affairs, selfishness…is by not taking it.  You must be willing to put your relationship on the line.  Often the only way to save a relationship is to be willing to lose it.  Are you willing to walk away from toxic treatment if it does not stop?  Until you are…it will not stop.

Too many women are desperate to keep their man or their family together, yet not desperate enough to make sure it’s a healthy relationship.  Keeping a toxic family together is toxic.  It is not helpful for children, men or women.  If women want to have an intact family, than they need to fight to make that family a healthy one.  Children live what they know and they know what they live.  Make sure what they’re living is what you want them to repeat.  Trust me, they will repeat it.

Challenge: If you’re in a toxic relationship, stop looking at your partner and pay attention to all the ways you are allowing the toxicity to continue.  Do your own work to get stronger and more grounded.  If there’s addiction—get into Alanon or AA.  If there’s abuse—contact Women’s Protective Services.   If there’s disrespect, contempt, and coldness—get into couples therapy as well as individual therapy.  You and your family are worth the effort. 

Straight Talk: What is it and What Does it Sound Like?

I’m struck by how much people don’t say.  They hint, insinuate, tiptoe, sugar coat, say half-truths, silence, manipulate, annihilate, etc., yet few actually directly state (respectfully) what’s going on for them.

When I talk with clients about saying things directly, they almost immediately start to get anxious.  Many people don’t want to “be mean,” get into a fight or be perceived as hard to get along with.  In an effort to avoid these appearances, they become inauthentic or foggy at best.  When they’re not clear about what they’re trying to say, people don’t know what they’re saying.  And this lack of clarity leaves people guessing.  Then, when they guess wrong, we get annoyed, angry and frustrated.

Speaking honestly about something is mean only if we speak it in a mean way.  If we are clean in how we speak (respectful, calm, compassionate), then our truth is often a gift.  This is true in even the most difficult of conversations such as those in struggling marriages.  Saying it straight in a struggling marriage might sound like: “Honey, I’m worried about us.  I don’t feel loved, desired or even liked by you anymore.  I find myself not wanting to come home and cringing when you touch me.  I’m worried that if we don’t get help -- and fast -- that we won’t make it.  I’m worried that I’m going to turn to someone else for the affection I want from you and I don’t want to be one of those women who has affairs to escape the loneliness of her marriage.  I need us to get into therapy.  I need things to change or we won’t make it.” 

Many people will read the above and be shocked by how direct it is.  They will think they could never say that because they wouldn’t want to hurt someone with those words.

How Do I Intervene On Other People’s Behaviors? Part I

 In response to my last post “It’s None Of My Business—Or Is It,” How Do I Intervene in Other People’s Behaviors? Part I many people have asked for examples of how to intervene in the various scenarios I wrote about, as well as in other similar scenarios.  Below is Part I of possible responses to use when you find yourself in an uncomfortable situation.

In any given situation, there are several possible levels – ranging from low to high -- of intervention.  Often the level you choose is determined by your relationship with the person in question, your goal and the level of risk you’re willing to take.  Be aware of these factors when choosing your move.

Let’s look at the examples I wrote about in the first post:
•    You catch your best friend’s husband kissing another woman.  Your goal is to protect your friend and not have an affair go on behind her back.  What could you do?  In this scenario, your allegiance is to your best friend and you feel you should have your best friend’s back.  There are several options you could choose from, including:
    ♣    Speaking to the husband directly and telling him what you saw.  Tell him that you’ll be taking some time to think about what you want to do about this information and you will get back to him as soon as you decide. (Low risk)
    ♣    Tell the husband what you saw and be clear that, either he must tell his wife or you will.  Tell him you will give him two weeks to have the conversation. (Higher risk)
    ♣    Speak to your friend directly and let her know what you saw.  (High risk)
    ♣    Call your friend right then and tell her what you’re seeing. (High risk)
    NOTE: Saying nothing should not be an option since it puts your friendship at risk and is not supporting     your friend. 

The Silent Treatment: How to Respond to Your Partner When They Refuse to Speak

There are few things more frustrating than the silent treatment.  There are also few things more damaging to relationships.  Many people believe that refusing to speak is better than saying something they’ll later regret.  This couldn’t be further from the truth.  Refusing to speak to someone is emotionally abusive and removes all possibility of solution. 

When it comes to the silent treatment, there is nothing colder than the cold shoulder.  Tuning someone out is like telling them they’re too insignificant to warrant your time or attention.  It’s toxic and it’s off.

For those people who are being ignored, here are some tips on how to handle the silent treatment:
1.    Speak about the silence directly and do NOT return silence with silence.  Calmly tell your partner that you’re aware they are angry and you’d be happy to talk about it should they choose to.  Let them know you can’t change anything if you don’t know what it is that’s bothering them. 
2.    After you speak to them, go about your life and do not try to get them to speak.  They are adults and responsible for speaking up if they want something.  Do not get caught up in the game.  Realize their silence is not about you.  Don’t allow it to get you down or lead to you feeling guilty.  Also, do not lose your temper in response.  Stay centered and calm!

STICKS AND STONES: NAMES DON’T HURT...DO THEY?

A reader requested that I write a blog regarding the old saying Sticks and stones may break my bones, but names will never hurt me.  I can’t tell you how many times I repeated this very saying when I was a kid as a quick comeback.  I thought that the more I said it, the stronger I would be and the less name calling would hurt.  For some reason it never quite worked out that way; the name calling almost always hurt. 

This is true as we grow up as well.  Name calling hurts because it is intended to hurt...and sometimes it hurts more than sticks and stones.  This is true even when the person who is calling the names later says they didn’t mean it.  The reality is they did mean it and they meant for it to hurt.

Those people who try to say they didn’t mean what they said in anger are lying.  What they really mean is they don’t want to be held accountable for what they said in anger.  They want to try to pin it on you for being so “sensitive.”  Don’t fall for it.  You know if it hurt or not--it was said to you!  In fact, the closer the name-calling person is to you, the more painful the name calling is.  Name calling is abusive, which is another reason why it hurts--abuse hurts.

WOMEN AND DIVORCE: THE SILENT EXODUS

Mary and Stan came into my office after 17 years of marriage.  Mary was quiet and sullen as she said she didn’t want to be married anymore.  Stan was shell-shocked.  He was certain Mary was going through a mid-life crisis.  Mary was clear she had been feeling this way for years, but hadn’t wanted to hurt him.

Mary is one of many women who have come into my office over the years, clear that they no longer wanted to be married.  In almost every case the men were shocked.  In some cases, the women had been telling the men for years they were unhappy, but the men were not listening.  In other cases, the women said very little and thought the men should just know.  In all cases, the women left the marriage long before they actually walked out.

Below is an excerpt from one of my blog readers, Chris, who sent me an e-mail asking about this very dynamic.  Here is what Chris had to say:
“About six months after my father died, my wife came to me and said she didn't like me this way and wasn't sure if she loved me anymore.    It wasn't long afterwards that she left.  I had returned from a week long business trip and she didn't even come to pick me up at the airport.  She had moved out.  The reason I tell you this whole story, is that I'm not the only man who has had this happen (especially recently).  In fact, it is happening to men right now like a plague.  I have a couple of friends and acquaintances that have had this happen to them recently as well.  The question I have is -- why are women leaving men for "independence, freedom, romance and passion" when these men are supportive, healthy, kind and loving people?  Chris