Straight Talk On Relationships

IN RELATIONSHIPS ACTIONS ARE JUST AS IMPORTANT, IF NOT MORE IMPORTANT, THAN WORDS…

GANDHI: Happiness is when what you think, what you say, and what you do are in harmony”

Many people can say the right things. They may be able to preach about the right thing to do, share wonderful values, give others impeccable advice, and in essence be wonderful at having the relationally healthy answers to many of life’s difficult moral dilemmas. They may even be adamant about attending church every Sunday and be devout…Christians, Muslims, Buddhists, etc.

Where they falter however, is in living out their spoken values. Many people have a difficult time practicing what they preach.

Here are some real life examples:
• A preacher preaches about the importance of faithfulness within a marriage…while he is actively having an affair.
• A wife speaks about the importance of respect and having a loving family…while she continually screams at her husband and children and calls them names when she gets angry.
• A husband talks about the importance of family…yet is seldom home to spend time with his wife and children.

SPEAKING SAFELY: COMMUNICATION AND COUPLES

Speaking and listening safely is paramount in relationships. Let’s take speaking first. Are you a “safe” speaker? Seems like an odd question, I’m sure; however, I believe many couples do not communicate in a safe fashion.

The Encarta Dictionary defines “safe” as:
1. Unlikely to cause or result in harm, injury, or damage
2. In a position or situation that offers protection, so that harm, damage, loss, or unwanted tampering is unlikely

When you are speaking to your partner (or children, friends, co-workers, etc.), do you protect them from harm, damage, or injury—from you? I believe that many of us forget that, even in our anger, we are responsible for protecting our loved ones (and vice versa).

SO MANY RESENTMENTS, SO FEW WORDS: Healthy relationships require authentic conversations

Have you ever watched your partner do something fairly benign and found yourself snapping at them for it? Perhaps you woke up one day being utterly annoyed by the one characteristic that you used to love about your partner. What happened?

When I have couples in my office, I can easily see what’s not being said. As much as I’d like to say this is an amazing gift I have, it’s not. People are often just incredibly obvious about what they’re thinking--even if they don’t verbally share it.

Typically any of the following are signs that something is not being said that needs to be:
• One partner rolling his/her eyes while the other partner is relaying a story.
• A heavy sigh from one partner.
• A staring off into space while one partner is speaking.
• A reddening of the face, clenching of fists, or otherwise tightening of the body.
• An empty promise that is said in an effort to shut down the conversation and move on to less uncomfortable topics.
• A short, snappy reply or comment that seems to come out of nowhere.

There are many reasons we choose to not deal with issues head on, including: trying to avoid a conflict, believing our partner won’t listen anyway, not knowing exactly what it is that’s bothering us, being too tired, not trusting that it will help, wanting to be nice, etc. The list could go on and on, but hopefully you get the picture. The bottom line is we tell our partner in many ways that we’re annoyed with him/her, however seldom do we do this directly.

COMMUNICATION TOOL FOR COUPLES

Below is a quick tool for communicating in a clean, respectful way: the feedback wheel. This tool has been around in various forms for many years. The form I use is adapted from Pia Mellody and Terrence Real.

Note: I add one step to their feedback wheel: Open with a gift.

Prior to using the feedback wheel, be sure to ask your partner if now is a good time to talk. This insures that your partner is in a good space for listening which increases the odds of a more positive experience.

The steps are:
· Open with a gift: Start with a compliment or something that shows you care.

1. Describe the behavior: State just the facts not your interpretation of them. For example, don’t say, “When you were angry”. Instead state, “When you slammed your fist on the table”. If I can’t see or hear it on a video camera, then don’t say it.

2. State what you make up about this: Explain what meaning you gave it or how you interpreted the behavior. Do not say things like: “What that showed me is”, or “What that made me think was..” etc.

3. State your feeling: Simply state feeling words: joy/pain, anger/fear, lust/love, shame/guilt. Don’t say what you think, state only what you feel.

4. State your request: State exactly what you want. Be concrete and clear so your partner knows how to give it to you. Don’t just complain without giving your partner a chance to fix it.

This is how it would sound if I wanted to talk to my husband about being on the computer every night...

WHAT DO YOU DO IF YOUR BOYFRIEND PAYS MORE ATTENTION TO THE INTERNET THAN TO YOU?

My first question is what is he doing on the Internet? Is he doing work, looking at pornography, in chat rooms, playing video games, IM’ing someone or …? What’s keeping his attention?

It is becoming more and more common for people to come home from work, say hello and then go straight to the computer to do more work. They may start checking e-mails, finishing up “pressing” business, checking on ‘just one more thing’ and generally being unavailable to loves ones.

This happened with my husband and I, only both of us were doing work on the computer. One day I stopped and realized how distant we were becoming. I asked my husband if he had noticed and we both came up with a plan to reconnect. We agreed to have a half hour of uninterrupted conversation (no TV.) and only use computers if it was an emergency. We made the decision to put us before our computers. Now, as I write this, I realize we may need to have another talk… (Thank-you for the reminder).

So if your boyfriend or loved one is paying more attention to the internet than to you, and it is not pornography he/she is looking at, then your first step is to start with a conversation. Sit your partner down and let him/her know how his/her behavior is impacting you. Offer your partner a solution to the problem and see if he/she agrees to make a change.

Offering your partner a solution is important. Come up with two possible alternatives and ask him if he is willing to try one of them. This allows him a way to repair, and it gets out of the complain and blame game.

The worst thing you can do is say nothing while you steadily boil over with anger, resentment or hopelessness. You also don’t want to do the opposite and make biting comments every time he’s at the computer (I.e. “Oh, there you go again at that damn computer”). Remember to say it straight and ask for what you want.

Challenge: If there is something your partner is doing that is bothering you take a moment to come up with two possible solutions. Pick a time that is good for both of you to talk and then say it straight and ask for what you want.

Note: If it is pornography he is looking at, that topic will be in a future blog.

WHEN REQUESTING CHANGE, LEAD WITH A GIFT

Asking your partner to do something different can be a difficult conversation to have. Many times it is so difficult that individuals fret and ruminate for hours, days or even weeks before saying anything. Unfortunately, all of this fretting often leads to one partner blurting out, in the heat of the moment, what they don’t like about the other partner. Not surprisingly, this is seldom an effective approach.

Leading with a gift is a skill that has the potential of taking the sting out of a discussion or request. It is when you start your discussion with a kindhearted truth; an acknowledgement or a compliment for example. So, if you wanted to ask your partner to speak to the children with a softer, more gentle tone, you might begin by leading with a gift such as, “I know you love the children very much, and you are under a great deal of stress…”(gift). This allows your partner to realize that you do not think everything they do is wrong; it also builds up your appreciation muscles – a necessary component in any healthy relationship.

When you use this skill you do not have to over do it, and do not make something up that you don’t believe. Be genuine with your gift, and use it as a lead-in not as a way to water down your message. For example, if your partner has been trying to help more around the house, yet left their clothes on the floor, you might say, “I’ve noticed you’ve been helping out more around the house and I appreciate that. It would also help if you could put your clothes in the hamper before you go off to work. Would you be willing to do that for me? Thanks.”

Realize that like any skill, this is not a miracle maker, it is simply another way of acknowledging what your partner is doing while also making a request for them to do something they are not. When it works, be thankful. When it doesn’t, be proud that you tried something new and try it again in the future.

Challenge: Practice leading with a gift this week and pay attention to what you notice as a result. Does it take the sting out or is there no noticeable change? Under what conditions does it lead to the results you would like?

DON’T LET A GREAT MESSAGE GET LOST IN THE DELIVERY!

One day I was working with a couple and while the husband was talking, his wife interrupted him several times. After about the third time he turned to her and said, “Would you shut up and let me speak!” She immediately became angry. He attempted to continue until I stopped him. “Tom” I said. “You have a great message but a horrible delivery”. He got quiet and asked what I meant. I explained that his message was great: don’t interrupt me when I’m speaking. His delivery (“Would you shut up…”) however, left a lot to be desired. In fact, his delivery was so bad that the message got lost in it. Now the issue became about him instead of about his wife’s interruptions; obviously of no benefit to him…or the couple.

In this couple, like many couples, each partner needs to learn to say a message in such a way that it can be heard. It is in the speaker’s best interest to speak “clean”. Speaking clean means you are respectful, you speak from the heart, and you speak from a position of equality not judgment. This is not easy to do when you are angry, however it is necessary if you actually want to be heard. If you do not speak “clean” you increase your partner’s chances of becoming defensive or angry and although you may have had a great message, it does you no good if it gets lost in the delivery.

Tips to delivering a great message:
1. Before speaking get clear on what your message is.
2. Commit to speaking this message respectfully, from a place of equality and with an open heart…speak it “clean”.
3. If there is a request you would like to make – make it. Don’t just complain.
4. If there is a limit you need to set – set it… then follow through.

In closing, always remember: Don’t let a great message get lost in the delivery!

Challenge: If you are upset about something someone is doing, get clear on what you would like your message to be to that person. After you are clear, commit to delivering that message in a “clean” way. Note any changes in how you feel and/or if the other person responds differently as a result of this shift.