A Letter to Men: A Lesson from Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn

In an article in The Huffington Post, regarding Arnold Schwarzenegger’s illicit affair with his housekeeper, http://tinyurl.com/3ktnywq, Gov. Schwarzenegger is quoted as saying, "After leaving the governor's office I told my wife about this event, which occurred over a decade ago.  I understand and deserve the feelings of anger and disappointment among my friends and family.  There are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused.  I have apologized to Maria, my children and my family.  I am truly sorry.“

Really?  Here’s my personal take on what Arnold might have said if he were truly being honest: “I waited until after I had left the governor’s office to tell my wife about this event…because then her reaction could no longer jeopardize my position as governor.  And because my housekeeper could tell the world at any time that I fathered her son, I thought it would be in my personal best interest to tell the story first. “ 

Arnold is apologizing because he got caught.  He’s apologizing, like so many politicians before him, because to not do so would be a huge political blunder. And please tell me that the power differential between the Governor of California and his housekeeper is not lost on the world.

This latest report comes after years of reports about Arnold’s grabbing women’s breasts, putting his hand up their skirts, groping them at his will and countless other abusive behaviors.  This comes after years of our culture accepting his outlandish minimization of these incidents by stating that sometimes he “behaves badly.”  It follows decades of those in the movie industry (producers, actors, directors etc.,), movie audiences, and voters bowing down to his enormous sense of entitlement due to his fame. 

Words Have Power: Lessons To Learn From The Arizona Tragedy

As much of our world recovers from yet another violent tragedy, I’m struck by the outlandish comments made by lay people, extremists and -- yes -- some of our nation’s potential leaders.  Since when has it become okay to slander, threaten, name call and even damage a person’s property because we don’t agree with the way they think?

The truth is that politics in our country today has become more and more contentious.  Politicians and we, the people, have become more and more oppositional, aggressive and downright threatening in our fight for what we believe.

Sarah Palin depicted Representative Gabrielle Giffords in the crosshairs of a rifle scope on a Facebook page and wrote: "Don't retreat! Instead - RELOAD!”  Really?  When a potential Vice President of the United States uses metaphors like this, you know things have gotten bad.  And, while I realize Sarah Palin did not literally want someone to gun down Rep. Giffords, the level of irresponsibility in this comment is jaw-dropping to say the least.  I’m no politician, but even I know that my words have power.  Have we really become so unconscious as to think that what we say doesn’t impact those around us? 

Women Who Bully…and the Men Who Take It

There is endless information written on men who are abusive, intimidating or controlling of their partners.  There is much less written, however, about women who do the same.  Over the years I have worked with many women who fell into this same pattern of rage and control in their relationships with men. 

Although the women are fewer in numbers, the wrath they wield is intense, scary and damaging.

More often than not, I have found that men capitulate and duck in response to the violence of women just as I have found women to do the same in response to the violence of men.  (Note: Some also respond by returning rage with rage, but that’s a different post).  Not surprisingly, capitulating and ducking is no more effective when the men do it than it is when the women do it. 

Men and women duck, even though it’s ineffective, because of fear.  Women, not unlike men, are scary when they are highly reactive and prone to have fits of rage.  The male partners of these women believe there will be hell to pay if they do anything but give the women what they want.  Some of these men also try to avoid the women altogether, which only makes things worse.  Often, these men do indeed have reason to be fearful.  I’ve known several women to become physically violent, take extreme steps to get revenge on their partner or make threats about custody and financial ruin at various times in their relationships.  I have no doubt that these women meant what they said.  The men had no doubt as well.

YOUR SILENCE AND INACTION—IS ACTION: CALIFORNIA TEEN GANG RAPED AT HOMECOMING—WHILE 15 OTHER KIDS WATCH!!!

I am so appalled as I write this that I can barely contain myself.  A 15 year old girl was brutally gang raped at Richmond High School in California by at least 4 males for TWO HOURS.  As she was being raped, the word got out and more and more people showed up… to WATCH! In the end, there were reportedly FIFTEEN bystanders who stood by and watched her be sexually assaulted so bad that she had to be life-flighted to the nearest hospital.

 Can you imagine this poor young girl being gang raped and hoping and praying for someone to see what was going on?  People start to come and she thinks “Thank God, they’re going to save me!”  The next thing she knows some of those hopeful “saviors” become her rapists.  As more and more people come, she realizes that she is on show and not one person out of the 15 bystanders is going to do a damn thing to end this.  They watch for TWO HOURS.  They WATCH for TWO HOURS…without a word to stop it; without a call to the police; without a text message to a parent; WITHOUT A THING!!!

Every single boy who raped her, as well as every single accomplice who watched, should be arrested and sent to jail.  When they sat there for TWO HOURS watching that crime, they took part in committing it.  There will now be a thousand articles about the bystander effect to explain this horrendous incident.  I’m sure the parents of the teens watching will cling to this as an excuse for their son WATCHING FOR TWO HOURS while this young girl was being brutally gang raped.  There is no excuse.  Every single parent, whose son watched this crime and did nothing, should be walking their son to the closest police department and putting his butt in jail.  There is NO excuse for becoming a spectator to gang rape as though it was a sporting event. 

RELATIONSHIP VIOLENCE: ZERO TOLERANCE POLICY VITAL

This has been an interesting week for me professionally.  Have you ever had one of those weeks in which the same theme keeps coming into your life again and again?  If you haven’t, believe me it’s a weird phenomenon.

The theme this week: verbal and physical abuse that starts between the couple and trickles down to the children.  I keep getting calls and e-mails from women asking me what to do about their toxic partners who have been verbally abusive for years.  Ninety percent of the time, the women also state their children are picking up this abuse and turning their anger on their mother as well. 

These women say they lost themselves somewhere along the way.  They’re fighting depression, confused about what to do in their relationships and are scared for the future of their children.  They know they have to do something, yet have no idea what that something is.  Many of them ask me to please see or speak to their husband or child, hoping I might get through to them.

CHRIS BROWN AND RIHANNA BRING TO LIGHT THE TRAGEDY OF RELATIONSHIP VIOLENCE: WHO’S TO BLAME?

Following an alleged incident between Chris Brown and Rihanna, the Boston Public Health Commission surveyed 200 youth ages 12-19.  The results:

• 71% said arguing was a normal part of a relationship
• 44% said fighting was a normal part of a relationship
• 51% said Chris Brown was responsible for the incident
• 46% said Rihanna was responsible for the incident
• 52% said both individuals were to blame for the incident, despite knowing at the time that Rihanna had been beaten badly enough to require hospital treatment
• 35% said the media were treating Rihanna unfairly
• 52% said the media were treating Chris Brown unfairly

“In addition, a significant number of males and females in the survey said Rihanna was destroying Chris Brown’s career, and females were no less likely than males to come to Rihanna’s defense.” (http://www.bphc.org/news/press_release_content.asp?id=473)

First and foremost, let me be clear, that violence in relationships IS NOT NORMAL.  It’s abusive, toxic and tragic.  Physical fighting in relationships is NOT okay…it’s abusive!  Period.  If violence is occurring in your relationship…you are in a VERY unhealthy relationship; I’m very sorry no one taught you this.   

STICKS AND STONES MAY BREAK MY BONES BUT WORDS WILL NEVER HURT ME: THE POWER OF WORDS IN RELATIONSHIPS

 

I often hear people proudly say that they’ve never hit their child or loved ones in an effort to defend how they speak to them (I.e.: “I may call my son a wimp, but at least I don’t hit him”).  I’ve never heard so clearly however, the absurdity of justifying ones words by the lack of physical beatings as I heard today when Sarah shared a little saying of her grandmother’s.  The loving saying (I say this in jest mind you) went like this:  “I never laid a hand on my children, but I could peel the skin off their back with my tongue”.

 

Yikes…I could not have expressed the toxicity of cutting words more perfectly myself, no matter how hard I tried.  You have to love these little quips for providing us with wonderful life lessons on what NOT to do. 

 

The reality is that words can be just as painful, scarring, and brutal as fists and belts.  Being proud of never striking your partner or child is wonderful… if you’re also being loving and respectful.  If you believe however, that as long as you don’t hit your loved ones you’re okay--think again.  Abuse is the maltreatment of a person and it is harmful regardless of whether the weapon of choice is your hand or mouth.

 

DOMESTIC VIOLENCE: THE READERS SPEAK OUT

I've received several comments following my last post on domestic violence and wanted to address some of them.  FIrst and foremost I want to thank all my readers for taking the time to write in on this topic.  I also want to thank several of you for reminding me that women are not the only ones who are physically abused.  Although domestic violence is more common for women than men, men are also the victims of physical abuse by thier partners and subsequently deal with many of the same painful issues as women who are abused.

 It is difficult to get an accurate statistic on the frequency however due to the low level of reporting by men.  Men often don't report the violence due to several factors including: the stigma of a man being hit by a woman, not believing they will be believed, the physical damage is often much less than when the man is the perpetrator, lack of community support and knowledge of violence by women toward thier partners.

Many readers also commented on the difficulty of leaving violent relationships.  Leaving violent relationships is one of the most difficult things to do.  Often there has been years of abuse on top of isolation and a break down of the person's spirit; these are not easy obstacles to overcome.  If they are able to overcome these obstacles and actually make the decision to leave, then they have to deal with the fact that they are the greatest risk of violence when they leave...not an easy feat for anyone to overcome let alone someone who has been beaten down emotionally and physically for years. 

YOUR RELATIONSHIP OR YOUR LIFE? NO ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP IS WORTH YOUR LIFE!

This week’s headlines regarding Nancy Cooper’s murder has led me to write this post.

Nancy

was the mother of two beautiful little girls who are now left to deal with one of the most traumatizing, life altering adversities anyone could ever experience.  Whether her husband is guilty of this murder or not, it brings to light the horrifying reality of domestic violence.

 

I receive several e-mails from women involved in either physically abusive or emotionally abusive relationships.  Often these women talk about their struggle to leave or their wish for things to change.  They cling to this idea that their partner will come to his senses and all of a sudden see the error of his ways and no longer be abusive.  

 

I have yet to see this happen.  In fact one truth I know is: wishing the relationship will change, will never change the relationship.

 

ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

This post is a very difficult one for me to write because it’s contrary to the standard message around abuse. So…before you read this post, if you are in, or have ever been in, an abusive relationship (either verbally or physically), please use your boundaries while reading this.

Let me start by saying that I don’t believe anyone causes their partner to hit, swear at, threaten, shame, or hurt them in anyway…that choice is made solely by the perpetrator of the abuse. And yes, I do believe it’s a conscious choice that a partner makes to be abusive.

That said…although I don’t believe one partner causes another partner to be abusive; I do believe the partner who is being abused plays a huge role in the continuation of that abuse…

When individuals are being abused by a loved one and don’t stop it, they, by default, keep it going. In psychological terms, they enable their partner to be abusive. If someone doesn’t stop abuse, then they are allowing it to continue. Abuse cannot go on and on if there’s not a body to abuse.