Do Apologies Belong In Leadership?

As many people know, Corporate America can be an incredibly stressful culture in which to maneuver.  Today’s economy has only compounded this fact.  Leaders are stressed, employees are stretched to their limits and lay-offs are all too common in many companies.  As a result of these pressures, people’s humanity, and the always- changing demands of business, people are making mistakes.  Not surprisingly, some of these mistakes are being made by the leaders, managers and owners of companies.  Even those in charge are not infallible or perfect.

The fact that those in top positions in business, government and even the world make mistakes is not the problem—at least not to me.  It almost seems like a no-brainer that every human being in the world—regardless of age, income or position--will make mistakes.  Mistakes are simply a part of life and our humanity. 

Leaders, however, often think they should explain, rationalize or justify their mistakes instead of just owning the fact that they messed up.  It’s an interesting phenomenon to watch CEOs, politicians, etc., worm their way out of a poor choice.  Having the courage to own your mistakes and speak genuinely about them is a high-end leadership skill.  It requires self-reflection, empathy for others and accountability. 

These are the very skills that leaders strive to pull from their own employees.  Leaders demand that those they lead be accountable, know their strengths and work on their weaknesses and that they provide the kind of excellent customer service that requires empathy for the customer’s plight.  Why, then, do leaders not model what they ask their employees to master?  When leaders duck from taking responsibilities for their mistakes, they create a culture of ducking.  They show those they mentor that above a certain level you must pretend to be infallible even if you are not.  Leaders who dance around accountability as though it were a hidden landmine model characteristics that would harm any company.  The mistakes are not the most damaging aspect of business...the way those mistakes are handled often is. 

Honesty In Business—Is It Wise?

Throughout the years I’ve heard horror stories about lay-offs, firings, restructuring, and so forth.  Some of the more common stories include:
•    Company lay-offs being discussed for months among top management, but denied for just as long to the employees.
•    Sudden restructurings that require placing employees out-of-state with virtually no warning,
•    Security guards escorting long-term employees off the premises immediately following their lay-off.
•    Refusing to give employees any advanced warning about possible layoffs out of fear they may begin to look for another job.

I have no doubt that many people have either experienced these happenings first hand, know of someone who has or have witnessed these occurring.  Anyone who has been in any of the above situations knows they are quite painful.  Working with a company for many years only to be escorted out of the building following a lay-off is one of the most non-relational practices around. 

Many companies keep lay-offs secret and require security escorts because they think they are protecting their company.  They believe that being honest about company lay-offs is unwise.  They also believe that allowing an employee to remain in the building unsupervised for any extended time could be unsafe. 

Companies couldn’t be further from the truth, in my opinion.  The idea that lying to your employees is a wise decision is, frankly, crazy.  Running a business through fear is a losing proposition.  I believe that treating long-time employees as though they are suddenly unsafe to the company actually creates an unsafe environment—it fosters anger, shame and resentment. 

Characteristics of Ineffective and Harmful Bosses (Part I)

I can’t tell you the horror stories I hear about work environments.  It’s shocking that so many people are working for such difficult bosses or in unhealthy work environments.  The bottom line, when it comes to work environments, is that the atmosphere always starts from the top and trickles down from there.  If you’re a boss running a company where there are mean co-workers, stressed out employees, ongoing back-stabbing, fearful employees and/or controlling managers, then you are not leading effectively.

Below are five characteristics of ineffective and often harmful bosses:
1.    Immoderate leading.  Bosses go awry when they either lead with an iron fist or don’t lead at all.  Being a dictator is no more effective than being conflict-avoidant and hesitant.  Use your knowledge to skillfully lead without squashing the creativity, spirit or enthusiasm of your employees.
2.    Believing in the bottom-line at all costs.  When a boss is only concerned with the bottom line, s/he misses the mark.  Having tunnel vision around money leads to over-worked employees, high turnover and a stressed out work environment.  Focus your concern on developing a high quality product and creating a relational company that takes care of its employees and customers.  Nothing will increase your bottom-line more than these actions.
3.    Temperamental.  A boss who is chastising and yelling one minute and then cheering and bringing in food the next is crazy-making.  Doing a kind thing one day does not erase the punishing outbursts you delivered the day before.  Pull yourself together and stop being so temperamental.  You’re a leader, not a toddler.
4.    Turning a blind eye.  It is the boss’s job to notice the backstabbing in the office, rude comments in the meetings, hurtful gossiping or covert or overt undermining of individuals or groups within the work place.  Step up and step in when there are unhealthy interactions going on in your company.  You are responsible for creating a safe work environment and your employees are watching your example.  Don’t laugh off a rude comment by your favorite employee, a sexist joke by your top manager or a caustic dig by your vice president.  Healthy work environments are created by the moment-to-moment interactions of its leaders and employees.  Don’t duck.
5.    Egotistical.  The worst bosses are so full of themselves that they openly berate their employees for being inept while simultaneously pumping themselves up for being the sole smart one in the company.  Do not for a moment think that your company is alive and kicking solely because of you.  If all your employees are inept, it doesn’t say much about your leadership.  Why would you hire such incompetency?  Get off your high horse before you destroy your employees and your company.

If you are a leader in your company, remember to be the leader you would want to work for.  Don’t become the boss you used to hate having.  Become the boss you wish you had.  It takes very little talent to blindly lead through force and reactivity.  Be thoughtful about all concerned, not just you or the bottom-line.

Challenge: Look at the characteristics above and objectively rate yourself on each one. If you struggle in one area, work hard to change in that area.  Notice the shifts you see as a result.

A Letter to Men: A Lesson from Arnold Schwarzenegger and Dominique Strauss-Kahn

In an article in The Huffington Post, regarding Arnold Schwarzenegger’s illicit affair with his housekeeper, http://tinyurl.com/3ktnywq, Gov. Schwarzenegger is quoted as saying, "After leaving the governor's office I told my wife about this event, which occurred over a decade ago.  I understand and deserve the feelings of anger and disappointment among my friends and family.  There are no excuses and I take full responsibility for the hurt I have caused.  I have apologized to Maria, my children and my family.  I am truly sorry.“

Really?  Here’s my personal take on what Arnold might have said if he were truly being honest: “I waited until after I had left the governor’s office to tell my wife about this event…because then her reaction could no longer jeopardize my position as governor.  And because my housekeeper could tell the world at any time that I fathered her son, I thought it would be in my personal best interest to tell the story first. “ 

Arnold is apologizing because he got caught.  He’s apologizing, like so many politicians before him, because to not do so would be a huge political blunder. And please tell me that the power differential between the Governor of California and his housekeeper is not lost on the world.

This latest report comes after years of reports about Arnold’s grabbing women’s breasts, putting his hand up their skirts, groping them at his will and countless other abusive behaviors.  This comes after years of our culture accepting his outlandish minimization of these incidents by stating that sometimes he “behaves badly.”  It follows decades of those in the movie industry (producers, actors, directors etc.,), movie audiences, and voters bowing down to his enormous sense of entitlement due to his fame. 

Women and Leadership: A Call For Change

Below is a post from my new blog http://lmerlobooth.typepad.com/straight_talk_4_women/ Enjoy!

I recently read an article entitled “Bad Female Boss? She may have Queen Bee Syndrome” (http://tiny.cc/wwz4c) and felt compelled to write this post.  In my work with more and more female leaders, I’m finding that many of them are struggling in their relationships with their employees.  Although these women are highly competent, intelligent and extremely hard workers, they are often difficult to work for. 

The article states that, “According to one group of German researchers, women who reported to female supervisors had higher cases of depression, headaches, heartburn and insomnia than if their bosses were men.”  Although the assumption has been that women will make more compassionate leaders, the reality has yet to play out that way.

Many of the female bosses I work with have had to fight their way through “good old boys” clubs, patronization, contempt and an overall hostile work environment for women leaders.  Many of these women responded to these environments by managing like men…or even tougher.  The article reports that, “The Queen Bee Syndrome is the alpha female who tries to preserve her power at all cost.”  Although I understand how women have gotten to this place, it is not at all the place where we want to stay.  Bringing more hardness into corporate America is the last thing I would like to see women doing.

The Balance of Work and Home

People often ask me how to balance family and work.  There are so many individuals who are self-proclaimed workaholics that they and their families are struggling to find the balance.  We need to pay our bills, want to advance in our careers and want to have a stable family.  Is it possible to have it all?

I truly believe it is possible to find balance in work and family.  A successful balance, however, is not easy to create.  A healthy balance starts with setting our priorities right -- family and relationships first, work second.  Choose any other order and you are unlikely to have that stable family you had hoped for. 

For all the workaholics in the world, though, making this shift in priorities and then aligning your life with that shift, is a smaller change than you might think.  The hardest change is being deliberate about your choices and your actions.  The concrete action steps are surprisingly easy to implement once your mind is on board with your purpose.  Below are several tips for creating balance between home and work.

1.    Listen: When you’re home, listen to your children and spouse as though you care about what they are telling you.  This is true regarding their sharing the story of their day as well as their complaining about what you’re doing.  The best way to know if your work is out of balance is through your family.  They will say: “You’re always on the phone/computer.”  “You always work.”  “You never play with us.”  If you’re hearing these phrases, you are out of balance.  Listen before you lose your family.
2.    Be conscious: Pay attention to all the ways you tune out and -- stop it.  Do you shake your head to pretend you’re listening while you’re checking your texts or e-mail?  Do you say hello when you enter your home or just unconsciously enter and go about your business.  Do your loved ones greet you or not even notice you?  Take a moment to demarcate the shift from work to home—actively greet your family.

Life-Changing Mentoring (Part II)

My previous post talked about five tips for becoming a life-changing mentor.  Below is the second half of the list.  Enjoy:
1.    Be open to the learning.  If you think you know it all, realize that you have so much further to go.  My supervisor once said that she loved master level clinicians so much more than bachelor level ones.  Her reason was because bachelor level clinicians thought they knew everything, whereas master level clinicians knew they had so much more to learn.  As mentors and leaders, there’s always more to learn.  Every time I think I have it down, something happens to put me back in my place and show me I have more to learn.  Embrace learning as an ongoing process that has endless roads and no end in the destination.
2.    Plug in accountability checks.  To be a great mentor we need to put in a system of checks and balances.  Meet with your mentee monthly or more to discuss how the mentoring is going and what would be more helpful.  Don’t tell them how they’re doing—ask how you’re doing.  Be open to their feedback, suggestions and requests.  There is nothing like learning from our students how to better teach—be daring enough to be curious. 

Is It Okay To Stand Up to Your Boss?

I often talk about the importance of standing up for yourself when others are treating you poorly.  It’s important to stand up at home, with your friends, your children and, yes, even with your boss.  People often struggle, however, with standing up to their boss.  They think that what their boss says or does is somehow off limits.  They worry that if they do speak up, they’ll get fired.  Many people believe they have to take whatever their boss throws at them.

In my experience, the more poor treatment people take from their boss, the more poorly their boss will treat them.  Just because your boss is in a higher position than you at work does not mean they have the right to treat you poorly.  It means they are in a higher position—that’s it.  That position never gives them the right to be disrespectful or -- at the extreme end -- verbally abusive.

Basic respect is about basic humanity.  Everyone deserves basic respect.  Your boss has the right to give you critical feedback, give you directives to complete, supervise your work, tell you when they are unhappy about something you’ve done, put you on suspension and even fire you.  S/he does NOT have the right to yell, scream, intimidate, belittle or shame you in public or private. 

Mean Girls At The Office

Below is a post from my new blog http://lmerlobooth.typepad.com/straight_talk_4_women/ Enjoy!

I recently gave a speech for Zonta International entitled "Conflict in the Workplace:  How to Survive It, Manage It and Make It Work for You."  Not surprisingly, this preparation has led me to think quite a bit about work environments.  In particular, I’ve been thinking about all the mean things some co-workers are saying/doing and how much these people are costing companies, families, communities and, ultimately, our world.

If you happen to be a person who is making snide comments, spreading rumors, sabotaging fellow employees or being mean-spirited, you might want to look at what’s making you feel so insecure that you need to tear others down…and yourself down in the process.

Below are rules of engagement for the workplace—follow them and hold others accountable for following them as well.  We had enough mean girls in high school, we do not need to deal with one – or become a mean girl -- at work, too.
1.    Build co-workers up; don’t tear them down.  When you tear down a colleague you harm your work environment, which leads to less productivity and financial loss for your employer.  In this economy, a reduction in productivity is the first step toward lay-offs -- yours and your colleagues’.
2.    Be inclusive, not exclusive.  If you’re having a team lunch—invite the team.  Don’t exclude those less popular.  You’re no longer in Junior High, so make sure you’re not acting as if you are.  Remember, it’s always nice to feel that you’re on the inside and it feels terrible to be on the outside.
3.    If you don’t have anything nice to say about a person…don’t say anything at all.  There is no reason to gossip about how someone dresses, looks, spends her time, etc.  Pay attention to you and stop trying to get others to hate her—whoever she may be.  If you feel the need to bad mouth someone, look at what you’re jealous of, afraid of or threatened by.  This is your issue, not hers.
4.    Be a team player.  You should have faith enough in your abilities without having to sabotage or be jealous of the abilities of others.  There truly is nothing better in the work world than knowing you are on a strong, unified team at work.  Try partnering and collaborating rather than isolating yourself or others.
5.    Refuse to gossip; it doesn’t serve you.  People know that if you gossip with them, you will also gossip about them.  Gossiping leads to mistrust of you.  Refuse to gossip with anyone or about anyone.  If others are gossiping, creatively change the subject.  Boldly say you’d rather not talk about this topic or excuse yourself from the conversation.  In the long run, you’ll feel better for it and others will see you in a new light.

In my experience, when women are insecure, they play out that insecurity by trying to put other women/people down.  This doesn’t serve women or others.  Pay attention to how you act in the work place and start to become the co-worker you wish you worked with.  Act with integrity in the workplace and notice the shift that occurs within you and with others around you.  There is no place for cattiness, gossiping or mean-spiritedness at work or in the world.  Do your part to stop it.

CHALLENGE: Pay attention to how you talk at work.  Refuse to put others down, demean anyone or try to paint yourself as better than someone else.  Own your skills, mentor others to enhance theirs and do your part to make your work environment a great place for everyone.

5 Ways To Handle Difficult Co-Workers In Office Meetings

It seems like some people think it’s okay to slam a colleague by making some outlandish remark in front of the entire team.  These comments are often met with knowing chuckles, uncomfortable silence, eye-rolling and/or angry responses.  Unfortunately seldom are these comments directly dealt with, either by management or by the person being put down.

All of the above responses are exactly how you do NOT want to respond when someone is being obnoxious.  When you silence, roll your eyes or chuckle in response to someone’s poor treatment, you send the message that what they’re doing is okay.  When you respond with an angry intensity, you take the focus off of what the other person did and onto your over-the-top reaction.  None of these responses are effective.

Instead try one of the solutions below and notice what happens as a result:
1.    Be a mirror. Being a mirror means simply playing back to the person his or her own behavior. For example, if Tom laughs at Sally’s marketing idea and makes a sarcastic comment, Sally can simply say, “Wow, that was pretty sarcastic and harsh Tom.”  This simple statement draws attention to Tom’s comment and highlights the nastiness of it without being harsh or nasty yourself.  Often, the other person feels caught with their pants down, so to speak, and will quickly apologize.
If Sally wanted to make more of a point she could state, “Wow Tom that shut me down. Was that your intent?” When we hold a mirror up to another person’s behavior –in a respectful, centered way—it is an effective way to address mean-spirited behavior without getting mean-spirited ourselves.