Women And Decisions: Moving Away From “I Don’t Know”

As my daughter gets older, I continue to watch her and her friends struggle with making decisions.  The simplest of questions leads to countless answers of “I don’t know” or “I don’t care, what do you want?”  This same avoidance of decision-making is often carried from childhood into adulthood for many women—myself included.

I hear innumerable stories from couples having had frequent conversations that sound like this:

Scott: “What do you want to do for dinner?”

Sue:  “I don’t know.  What are you thinking?”

Scott: How about we go out to eat?

Sue: I don’t care we could go out or stay home.  Either one would be fine, I guess.

Scott: Let’s go out.  Where would you like to eat?”

Sue: I don’t care.  Where would you like to eat?

Scott:  How about going to the pizza place?

Sue:  I don’t think I’m in the mood for pizza.  Is there something else you were thinking about?

Scott:  No.  Why don’t you decide?

Sue: Well, I don’t really have a preference, so you can choose.

Ugh, does this sound familiar to anyone?  It can be incredibly frustrating to our partners or friends and anxiety-provoking to us when we don’t make a decision.  It’s even worse when we won’t decide, yet turn down the other person’s decision.  Our reluctance to make decisions is just one more way that we women play small in our lives.  We do this for many reasons, such as not wanting to choose wrong, not wanting to seem overbearing, wanting to be nice, etc.  The truth, though, is that not making a decision is, in fact, making a decision.  It’s deciding to have others decide.  It’s often the decision to put the needs, wants and desires of others above your own. 

Handing over our decisions to others…is not serving us.

For those of you who struggle with this phenomenon, I want to encourage you to step into the world differently.  I want you to learn to use your voice in even the most seemingly insignificant of circumstances.  I want you decide to choose.  Use your voice.  Don’t worry about whether or not your choice works out the way you wanted it to. -- just be glad that you made one.  Just because we make a choice does not mean that we will get what we chose.  It does mean, however that we had the courage to choose.

Stop being afraid to make a choice.  Stop saying you don’t care about countless things and start pushing yourself to decide.  Don’t demand others do as you ask and don’t refuse to ask because you don’t want to seem too demanding.  Pause before you say you don’t care and check in with yourself.  What would you like to do?  Dare to ask for it.

CHALLENGE:  If you struggle with making decisions, start building those decision muscles by pushing yourself to decide.  Partner with a friend or a loved one and agree to take turns deciding on the little things first.  Take turns picking the movie, a restaurant, the dinner menu, a television show, etc.  Dare to use your voice; dare to make a choice.  When you make a choice, take that moment of courage in and feel proud of yourself for escaping the “IDKs” (I Don’t Knows).

 

 

Comments

[Joanna Poppink, MFT]

Dear Lisa,

You bring up such excellent points in this post. Makes me wonder about possibilities.

Perhaps the woman does not give her opinion because she is afraid or intimidated (with or without real cause).

Perhaps she has low self esteem and thinks her choice is of no value.

Perhaps she genuinely has no opinion because she has limited her life and has few interests.

The underlying reason or reasons for her inability to voice her choice can be revealing and point the way to a better way of living.

Thank you for sharing your thoughts with this post.

Dear Joanna: You're absolutely correct on all of these reasons. We tell ourselves all sorts of things to rationalize our reluctance to decide. Regardless of the reason though, it's not serving us. Women need to explore why and take steps to step into the world differently.
Thanks for checking in!
Lisa