The Crazy Things We Say To Excuse Our Ducking

When it comes to women and relationships, some of us are masters at being indirect, avoiding confrontation or being martyrs.  Now of course this is not all women and nor do most women do this all the time, however, many of us do fall into this trap often. 
Let me give you a few examples of what I’m talking about.  Below are direct statements, made by various women I’ve worked with or are in my life.  Let me note that many of these women are quite successful, take-charge women in certain areas of their lives.

•    “I stayed silent because it was easier.”  I hear this statement often when women have been in a toxic relationship with a strong person such as a boss, husband or father.  The women are afraid of the repercussions and the men have learned that bullying can get them what they want.  Staying silent may be easier in the moment, but trust me, it takes a long-term toll that is seldom worth it. 
•    “I just don’t have the energy to fight anymore.”  This is a common sentiment for women with young children and women who’ve been asking for what they want with few positive results.  They give up trying to change things and begrudgingly decide to accept what they have.  Accepting the unacceptable because we’re too tired to do otherwise is the quickest energy zapper in the long run that I know.
•    “I did it, but I wasn’t happy about it.”  This is a common statement for martyrs—those who sacrifice their souls for the good of others.  Some women take on more and more, thinking it’s their duty.  Unfortunately this often leads to anger and resentful.  Many of our mothers modeled this in decades past.  The rule is:  if you can’t do something with a good spirit and without resentment, then don’t do it.

•    “When I don’t want to say no, I leave it open-ended.” I know I’ve done this countless times in my life, hoping that if I didn’t address the request or change the subject, the other person would let it go.  We can do this at work, home or with friends in an effort to not hurt a person’s feelings or have to have a hard conversation.  Pretending we didn’t say no doesn’t mean we didn’t say no. It just means we said it silently.
•    “I thought he may be having an affair, but the truth is I didn’t really want to know.”  Closing our eyes to the truth does not make it go away, it just makes us blind to it.  In some cases, it may even make us an accessory to it.

Do these sound familiar?  I know that I have either said some of these or done one or two in my lifetime.  I also know, that although the sentiment behind these statements is understandable, playing these out in real life is damaging.  The thinking behind these statements results in women not having our own backs.  As a result, women duck.  Life is too important for women to be ducking.

You cannot take responsibility for your life and duck at the same time.  Your inaction is in fact a very loud action with very prominent consequences.  Dare to stand up in your life.  Dare to take control of your life and allow others to take control of theirs.  Do not allow either you or others to blur those lines. 

If you’re too tired to act—rest.  Once you’ve rested, get up and have your back.  If you’re too afraid to hear the truth—face your fear.  Think of the worst case-scenario and then trust that you are strong enough to get through that with support if need be. 

The bottom-line is: stop playing small.  Have your back at work, home and out in the world.  If you don’t think you’re worth caring for why would anyone else think you are?  Step in and step up—and do so with moderation, firmness and compassion (for yourself and for others).

Challenge:  Pay attention to all the excuses you give yourself for accepting the unacceptable.  The next time you rationalize your moves with one of these sentiments pause and tell yourself that’s just the lie you’re telling yourself.  Instead, be thoughtful and make a plan to create the change you need.