The Struggle for Women: Be Internally and Relationally Strong Everywhere

At times I’m truly taken aback by how many women are strong and competent in one area of their lives, yet an entirely different person in another.  The most common discrepancy I come across is between their career persona and their romantic relationship persona.

•    Sandra is a top business executive for a Fortune 500 Company.  She is confident, competent and an effective, successful leader.  She’s an excellent decision-maker, delegates well, holds employees accountable when necessary and thinks outside the box for business solutions.  At home, Sandra questions herself, silences herself and has stopped holding her husband accountable for the way he treats her because she doesn’t want to set him off.

•    Rachelle is a successful college administrator who has an excellent marriage and three adult children whom she is very proud of.  She has a great set of friends who treat her well and always have her back.  Rachelle has no problem speaking up for herself…except with her family.  When her father is around, Rachelle becomes a different person.  His gruffness and bullying behavior silence Rachelle like nothing else can.  She can’t believe some of the things her father says to her and her mother.  She really can’t believe that she allows it.

Time and again women are telling me they are different people in different relationships.  When I listen to their stories, it’s evident that the person who determines how these women are going to be is…the person on the other side of them.  Too many women are allowing the behavior of others to determine their own behavior.  If they believe speaking up to their father is going to make waves—they silence.  If they believe their partners will become angry if they set a limit—they won’t set a limit.  If there’s a risk of the other person leaving, the women will accept the unacceptable.  When women struggle in a certain area of their life, they are often putting the onus of control for their behavior on everyone else except themselves. 

The onus of control for our behavior is on us.  No one is responsible for the way we act or don’t act.  No one silences us unless we allow it.  No one controls us without our compliance.  And no one changes us without us changing ourselves. 

If we can be strong in one area of our lives, we can be strong in all areas of our lives.  We need to determine how we want people to treat us.  We then need to teach them to treat us that way.  It starts internally and extends outwardly to everyone we meet.  If you’re confident and competent at work—bring those skills home.  If you’re competent and strong at home—bring those skills to your work, friendships and extended family relationships.  Get clear on how you want people to treat you and then you decide how you will respond in any given situation.  Do not allow the possible behaviors of others to determine your behavior. 

Challenge: If you’re strong in one area of your life and not in another, look at what is different.  Take inventory of what you are and are not doing in each of these areas that is making a difference.  Choose one skill that is helping you to be effective in one place and bring that skill to the area where you are not effective.  Good luck...and remember that you determine how you will be—others do not have that power.