The Pull to Want to be Heard and What to do About it

Time and again women tell me they don’t feel heard.  They’re tired of their fathers, partners or children not listening to them and can barely contain themselves when they can’t get through to someone.

I absolutely understand the frustration of not feeling heard by someone.  It can often feel as if you’re banging your head against a wall.  The more you try to explain, the less they hear and the more frustrated you become.  It’s an incredibly difficult place to be in. 

What if, however, I told you to let go of your need to be heard?  What if I told you that you might never be heard by a certain person, about a certain subject, no matter how hard you try…and that that’s okay?  The truth is that sometimes people won’t hear you.  They may even not hear you about something that will feel monumentally important.  And sometimes their not hearing you may result in significant consequences for them. 

When someone refuses to listen, you have to learn to let it go rather than trying harder to be heard.  At some point you have to know that you’ve done your part and the rest is up to the other person, fate, divine intervention or life.  Below are a few tips to help you handle your need to be heard without speaking so loud that people tune you out.

1.    Let go of your need to feel heard.  When we are desperate to be heard we almost guarantee that our message will not be heard.  All you need to do is speak your message—what other people do with it is on them, not you.  If they ask for clarity—clarify and then let it sit.
2.    Laser your message.  Too many women use a wall of words when they feel as though they are not being heard.  They will go on and on explaining, describing, rambling and increasingly weakening their message.  Stop explaining.  Say it straight in a lasered fashion and then stop speaking.

3.    Do not become a broken record.  In an effort to be heard, many women repeatedly speak the same message again and again in a thousand different ways.  Ramming your message down someone’s throat greatly weakens your message and leaves you looking desperate and off.  Don’t repeat unless you are asked for clarity.
4.    Know the difference between hearing and agreeing.  Some people are doing their best to listen, yet they just don’t see things the same way you do.  Because they disagree does not mean they are not hearing you.  Don’t mistake the need to control or be right with the desire to be heard.
5.    Let go.  The truth is that you’re the one who has to truly listen to you.  If you know what your message is, then simply stand behind that message with your actions.  Allow the chips to fall where they may should the person choose to not listen.  Do not tell them you told them so when the consequences happen.

When it comes to being heard the best thing you can do is be confident in your message, speak it cleanly and let it go.  If there are limits to be set—set them, don’t threaten them.  If life consequences are likely to happen if the person doesn’t listen, allow them to happen.  Don’t chase, over-explain, plead, yell and scream or desperately try to be heard.  Just speak it.

Challenge: Pay attention to your need to be heard and what you do as a result.  Attempt to let go of this need and notice what happens.