“You Complete Me”: A Set Up in Relationships
Time and again I work with women who are turning to men to complete them, validate them, protect them and somehow give them a sense of self-worth.
Turning to men to do any of the above is a losing move:
• Wanting men to complete you insinuates that you are in some way not whole now—that’s crazy. If you struggle with feeling complete, by yourself, then work this issue. Get into therapy and look at why you play so small in your life an in your mind.
• Turning to men to protect you is a fascinating irony considering, a majority of our world’s violence is committed by men. One man may be your protector, yet, he cannot be with you 24/7; you are still at risk of another man harming you. Learn to protect yourself.
• Looking to men to prove that you are worthy never works. The problem with this game plan is if you believe a man proves you’re worthy, then you are only worthy as long as you have a man. What happens when the relationship ends, either by your choice or his? Now all of a sudden his absence means you’re unworthy? There is no logic in this kind of thinking. Your worth is not tied to anyone or anything—it is a given. You are worthy because you are. No one can take that away from you. A life is a life and every life has equal worth to another life. Know this.
• Finally, weighing the legitimacy of your ideas on the validation of men invalidates yourself. Validate your own ideas. Listen to your own instincts. Trust yourself as much, if not more, than others—including men.
Too many women are sleeping with men before they want to, desperately clinging to men who aren’t interested, crying over men who don’t treat them well and settling for men who are harmful. If you are a woman who can relate to this post, know that as long as you “need” a man, you are not ready to be in a relationship with a man. A man can add to your life, help you enjoy your life and be a part of your life. He cannot complete your life. He can be your lover, your friend and your companion. He can love you. laugh with you, connect with you, support you, grow with you, enjoy you and be with you. He cannot validate you or make you worthy. Know the difference.
Learn to listen to your own instincts, validate your own thoughts and tell yourself you are worthy. Anything short of this will lead you desperate and turning to the wrong men (and people) in your life. You are your greatest asset. Take care of yourself and the rest will fall into place.
Challenge: Take an honest look at yourself and your relationship to men and other people. Do you turn to others to validate you or give you a sense of worth? What would things be like if you stopped turning outward for these things and instead turned inward? Turn to yourself for validation and protection and see what change this incurs in your life. You are worth it.
Thank you for validating and reminding me of something I have had to learn the hard way. As I work on my sense of self-work to come from within, I am also learning to model it for my daughters. Your column is so 'right on'. Maybe you could comment in a column on parenting for healthy relationships so we don't let our patterns repeat.
Posted by: Cathy Eastwood | September 28, 2011 at 09:44 AM
I am 33 years old... I have always had the mind set of falling in love.. that person completing me, loving me, protecting me, & never failing me. Time & time again.. the relationship ends ... And I am in total depression.. heartbroken.. to say the least... After being a victim of sexual abuse by my father I felt unlovable and absolutely NO man would ever want me.. let alone LOVE me.. I tend to ( as you said ) end up with men who don't treat me well.. hurt me either physically or emotionally. I have spent two years with the man I am with now... banging my head against the wall, spinning my wheels... and poking my eyeballs out.. Trying to "prove" I love him and will stand by him. When he's shown me anything but... Thank you so, so much for this... I know now that a difficult but necessary change must take place... AND SOON !!!
Posted by: Terri Pillow | September 29, 2011 at 10:14 PM