8 THINGS I TRY TO LIVE BY (inspired by Andrea Lee)

Once I read an article by Andrea Lee about 8 things she tries to live by.  It got me thinking about what my 8 things were.  Here’s what I came up with.  I challenge you to do the same…and please do share.
1.    Practice what I preach:  If I teach it, I better live it.  Although I’m human and will continue to have my slips and imperfect moments, by and large, I do my best to follow my own advice when it comes to relationships.
2.    Do no harm: It’s important to me that I do no harm to others and do not allow others to harm to me.  If I’m angry, I do my best to speak that anger from a centered, grounded place and respect the humanity of the person I’m speaking to.  I hold others to that same expectation.
3.    Be authentic: It’s important to me that people trust that I will give them honest feedback if they ask.  I believe feedback is a gift when we are courageous enough to give it and receive it.  I hold those in my inner circle accountable for giving me authentic feedback as well.  Telling me what I want to hear is not helpful to me.  Telling me what I need to hear—that’s helpful (even if it’s tough to hear it).
4.    Laugh: I love a good sense of humor and try to incorporate that into my everyday life.  I have no problem laughing at myself and enjoy being around people who can do the same (please laugh with me, however, not at me  ). I’d rather laugh than cry and love to be around people who can lighten things up without hurting others in the process.

The Cost of Silencing to Avoid Conflict or Upset

Have you ever noticed all the things that you don’t say when it comes to conflict or upset?  If the people in your life easily get angry or quickly become defensive, it’s likely there are a lot of things you don’t say.  Below are several examples of women silencing:
•    Maria’s husband comes home in a bad mood and immediately starts to snap at their son.  Maria bristles—as does their son—but says nothing.
•    Kelley’s father-in-law yells at her to shut up at the dinner table when she tries to give a different opinion about a topic.  She quietly sinks in her chair and says nothing.
•    Samantha’s sister is crying that people are calling her a drunk.  She asks Samantha what she thinks.  Samantha tries to avoid answering her question even though she’s been complaining about her sister’s drinking for months to other family members.

Many women are fearful of conflict.  They hate to have people upset with them, don’t want anyone to be hurt or mad and are often fearful that things will escalate if they speak.  Consequently, women hold a lot of things in.

When we hold things in, however, we pay for it.  We can’t continue to stuff the things that bother us without this avoidance taking a huge toll on us.  The toll of silence is often depression, poor self-esteem, health issues and bad relationships.  When we try to avoid a conflict rather than speak authentically about our upset, we ensure that the issue will continue.  The more we avoid, the more we begin to rot out our relationship, friendship or job.  We can’t continue to stuff our upsets and expect them to not go somewhere.  Eventually, the years of silences build up until we’re so resentful we can hardly look at the person involved without cringing.

Women And Authenticity: Are You Courageous Enough To Be Authentic?

Women have this funny way of seeming so sweet, yet not feeling so sweet to be around.  Have you ever had that sense before?  Like you can’t quite trust the smiles and compliments?  When women are not at our best, we can be quite deceptive.  Historically we have been endlessly told to “be nice”, “play nice”, “don’t be a bitch” and on and on.  Hammering this message of being nice into us has only resulted in us not knowing how the hell to be authentic.  We know how to pretend, act and seem as if we love everyone, however, the truth is--seldom do women ever really play “nice”.

Many women put on a sugary sweet voice while saying or doing mean things.  For example, “Oh hi Suzy, it’s so good to see you. I wish you could come to lunch with us but there’s only room for four in our car. Maybe next time though, ok?” So that feeling of someone seeming so sweet but feeling so…not sweet--seems to come up a lot with women.  So many of us have simply never been taught how to be honest without being caustic.  Because we don’t want to be seen as being mean, we pretend to be nice.  The angrier we are or the more we dislike someone, often the sweeter we act.

This false persona is not serving our world, our relationships, or us.  When we are so concerned with how people will view us, we can’t possibly be freed up enough to be honest.  There will be countless under-handed comments made under our breaths, frequent exclusions made with false apologies and endless hurtful acts made with a smile.  Until women can dare to step up and be ourselves, we will continue to have to get our needs met through manipulation, mixed messages and deception.  In the end, women are the ones who will pay a heavy price for not being authentic.