5 posts categorized "Caretaking"

November 04, 2011

Women: Don’t Forget About YOU!

IStock_0arms strechedllThis week I’ve been at the Ali Brown SHINE Conference for Women Entrepreneurs.  It is amazing to see a room full of women entrepreneurs sharing ideas, encouraging big leaps and pulling for the best in one another.  It is a wonderful shift to see women thinking about themselves and trusting in themselves to bring their businesses to the next level.  Too many women, for far too long, have thought almost entirely about others—this shift to thinking about themselves—ourselves--is great to witness.

As I listen to woman after woman stand and tell her story of success, I’m struck by the difficulty so many women have with focusing on themselves.  Often women are focused on anything and anyone BUT themselves.  They’re busy taking care of the children, keeping the house tidy, cooking dinner, taking care of their husbands, fathers, mothers etc., and they forget about themselves.  When they do think of themselves, it’s often an afterthought. 

Women, we need to change this.  We cannot be an after thought in our lives.  We cannot sacrifice everything we have for everyone else and barely have ourselves be a part of that equation.  And if we are raising daughters—it’s even more paramount that we not do this.  Putting countless others before ones self, is toxic to ones self and to our daughters.  If we constantly put our needs second (or third or fourth), then we teach our daughters to do the same—even if our words say differently.

When women constantly put their needs last, it does not serve women or their families.  Women have to be able to care for themselves at least as well as they take care of others.  If they don’t, they and their families will pay for it.  When we continually put others ahead of ourselves, we get tired, run down and all too often, depressed.  We end up having little energy to give to anyone and even less for ourselves.

Women, take care of you.  Stop putting yourself last.  Self-care is not selfish… it’s necessary.  Constantly putting others before you, teaches them to put you last.  Take the time to pay attention to your needs.  Stop thinking 24/7 about what you can do for others and start thinking about what you can do for you.  What do you need? What do you want?  Give yourself the time to rejuvenate. Begin to pay attention to what makes you tick.  Notice what gives you energy. 

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May 23, 2011

Women: Get Comfortable With Who You Are

IStock_0grounded womanll(2) From a young age, girls turn themselves into pretzels for the attention of boys.  Typically this starts in the middle school years and continues, for many females, for the rest of their lives.  Watching females lose themselves, in search of male attention, is extremely difficult to watch.
 
Too many women act as though they need a man in order to feel okay about themselves.  Too many women are so afraid of being alone that they take whatever they can get from a man—even if that means sharing the man with other women.  In my work with women, I see this play out endlessly.  Newly divorced women especially struggle with wanting to prove they are still attractive.  Many women are so desperate to not be by themselves that they will sell their souls to avoid being by themselves.  Few have any idea what a toll this takes on their lives.

In my experience, the more desperate the woman is to not be alone, the more likely she is to end up alone—or to wish she were alone because of whom she ends up with.  The best way to have a rewarding, fulfilling life is not to desperately look for a man to complete you.  The quickest road to fulfillment is to work your butt off until YOU complete you.  Only when women are comfortable in their own skin, like who they are and are confident that they will be okay on their own, will they be able to be in a healthy relationship. 

Steps to get you there:
1.    Put dating on hold until you work your personal issues.
2.    Face the feelings of loneliness that come up for you when you don’t have a partner to share your life with.  Don’t panic, just sit and listen to what that fear is telling you.
3.    Address the fear directly by asking yourself if it’s true.  If it is true, look at the worst-case scenario and ask yourself if you would be able to survive it.  Often our fears are highly exaggerated.  Stop running on fear and, instead, slow down and listen to what your fear has to teach you.
4.    Look at the role your father played in your life.  Often women who are desperate for a man in their life, never emotionally had the attention of the most important man in their lives when they were young—their father.  An absent dad leaves a lonely imprint on the heart of a little girl.  Women need to work this through in therapy or they will never fill up that need to be loved no matter how many men are in their life.
5.    Take the time to get to know you.  What do you like to do?  How do you enjoy spending your free time?  Become your own best friend and get comfortable with spending time alone doing what you want to do.  If you don’t know what you like—explore.  Read books, go to museums, start a journal, take yourself out to lunch, sit at a park.  Slow down, pay attention and learn about you.

I cannot stress enough the importance of women needing to be able to be comfortable with who they are (with people and alone) prior to being able to share themselves with someone else in any healthy way.  Do the work on yourself now and save yourself years of hell in the future.  You deserve it.

Challenge: If you are desperate to find a man, give yourself the gift of slowing down and focusing on yourself instead of on men.  Refuse to settle for less than you deserve.  Sit back and be determined to act as your own best friend.  Do not let your desperation lead you to act as your own worst enemy.  It is not worth it.

March 30, 2011

Rescuing Siblings: Don’t Work Harder Than They Do

IStock_00alcohol coupleXSmall It seems as if countless people have troubled siblings.  One person’s sibling is struggling with addiction, another’s with bi-polar syndrome, and another’s with depression, still another’s is in a violent relationship and yet another’s is just plain mean and reactive, and on and on.  The possibilities are endless, yet the problem is always the same: How do I help my troubled sibling?

Regardless of whether the issue is substance abuse, depression or reactivity, the key is to not work harder than your sibling is working for himself or herself.  Too often we are so anxious to help them that we end up spinning ourselves into a state of frenzy while they sit back and complain…but take no action.  Stop your frenzy.  Be willing to help if they ask, but don’t pursue.  It is even okay to offer to help…and then wait until they take you up on your offer.  And…don’t pursue.

Often people in trouble need to feel the pain of their struggles before they’re willing to do anything about them.  Make sure you are not protecting your sibling from that pain.  Do not save them, rescue them or minimize the consequences of their behavior.  Saving them from feeling the way their actions hit is called enabling.  When you soften the consequences, you enable the destructive behavior to continue.  Don’t do that.  Enabling makes matters worse.

It’s also important to make a distinction between behaviors that are hurtful to your siblings (e.g. depression or a violent relationship) and behaviors that are hurtful to you (reactive or emotionally abusive).  With behaviors that are self destructive, you offer help and then pull back until they are willing to accept the help.  Behaviors that are abusive to you require self care on your end.  It’s one thing to enable drinking, it’s another thing to throw yourself under the bus by being an emotional punching bag.  Do not be empathetic to a sibling who is abusing you – be loving and firm.  Love your sibling while setting a limit on their toxic behavior. 

Too often we allow our love for our siblings to get in the way of doing what’s best…for our sibling and ourselves.  Stay level-headed.  Your goal is to be effective and compassionate—not enabling or rescuing.  You cannot save your sibling from himself or herself, only your sibling can do that.  You can be a resource and a friend, not a savior.  If you think they have a problem, speak to them about it honestly.  Don’t minimize it, avoid it or think it’s none of your business—be straightforward, compassionate and honest.  Set limits to protect yourself, help where you can and leave the onus for change on them.

Remember that loving someone sometimes requires tough limits.  Don’t work harder for someone than they are willing to work for themselves.  Offer assistance without doing all their work.  And don’t ever allow yourself to take a hit from someone because you have pity for them.  Have empathy for you and take care of yourself while feeling compassion for them.

Challenge: If you have a sibling who’s struggling, pay attention to what you’re doing that is helping or hurting the situation.  Don’t take charge, enable or be a doormat.  Offer help and let them do the work.

December 20, 2010

The Crazy Things We Say To Excuse Our Ducking

IStock_0caretaking womanll When it comes to women and relationships, some of us are masters at being indirect, avoiding confrontation or being martyrs.  Now of course this is not all women and nor do most women do this all the time, however, many of us do fall into this trap often. 
Let me give you a few examples of what I’m talking about.  Below are direct statements, made by various women I’ve worked with or are in my life.  Let me note that many of these women are quite successful, take-charge women in certain areas of their lives.

•    “I stayed silent because it was easier.”  I hear this statement often when women have been in a toxic relationship with a strong person such as a boss, husband or father.  The women are afraid of the repercussions and the men have learned that bullying can get them what they want.  Staying silent may be easier in the moment, but trust me, it takes a long-term toll that is seldom worth it. 
•    “I just don’t have the energy to fight anymore.”  This is a common sentiment for women with young children and women who’ve been asking for what they want with few positive results.  They give up trying to change things and begrudgingly decide to accept what they have.  Accepting the unacceptable because we’re too tired to do otherwise is the quickest energy zapper in the long run that I know.
•    “I did it, but I wasn’t happy about it.”  This is a common statement for martyrs—those who sacrifice their souls for the good of others.  Some women take on more and more, thinking it’s their duty.  Unfortunately this often leads to anger and resentful.  Many of our mothers modeled this in decades past.  The rule is:  if you can’t do something with a good spirit and without resentment, then don’t do it.

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September 15, 2010

Caretaking and Relationships: It Doesn't Help You Or Your Relationship

IStock_0caretaking housewifel
Many women complain about irresponsible, selfish husbands.  They even joke about their husband being another child they have to take care of.  Some husbands sheepishly grin when they hear their wives say this, while others are offended. 

I’m… often curious. 

When I hear a woman (note: men also can be in this role) talk about how she’s responsible for: insuring the house is clean; dinner is on the table; all appointments are made and kept; the children are fed, bathed, and finished with their homework; her husband is sexually happy and emotionally taken care of; and on and on…I can’t help but wonder why she is married. 

Continue reading "Caretaking and Relationships: It Doesn't Help You Or Your Relationship" »

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