2 posts categorized "Control"

October 18, 2011

Keep Your Focus On You And Watch Your World Change

IStock_00strong womanTime and again I watch men and women constantly pointing their fingers at the other person.  They spend all their time and energy trying to change what the other person is doing.  Both men and women believe that if the other person would just be kinder, talk more, stop raging, complaining, controlling or (fill in the blank) then everything else would be fine.  They then spend the next ten years trying to get their partner to make those changes. 

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that this seldom -- if ever -- works.

Trying to change another person will never work.  In fact, it can’t work.  It can’t work because no one has the power to change someone else.  We can ask, plead, beg, bully, rage, try to force them to do what we want them to do, yet in the end they get to decide.  In the end, they decide what they will do and how they will do it.  No amount of pleading or screaming will change the fact that they choose their behaviors.

And, likewise, no one can make you change either.  Only you have the power to change yourself.  Only you decide what you will or won’t do.  Even if your partner is bullying you, raging and in your face threatening you—ultimately you still decide.  You decide if you will cower, give in, stand your ground, stay, go and everything in between.  You decide.

Continue reading "Keep Your Focus On You And Watch Your World Change" »

January 05, 2011

Women And Control: Are You Trying to Micromanage The World So You Don’t Feel So Anxious?

IStock_0controlll Control is the need to get people to do what you want them to do so you don’t feel so anxious.  Control can take on many forms.  Some control boldly: “You’re a wimp who doesn’t know how to stand up to anyone.  Tell your boss you’re not working on Saturday or I’m leaving.”  Some women control by incessantly complaining and constantly trying to tweak what the other person is doing: “Would you PLEASE put the lid on the pan when you’re cooking and would you load the dishwasher the way I’ve asked you to?!” Some women control through manipulation: “Do you really think going out again tonight is the best choice?  If you stay in maybe we could make love.”  Regardless of whether you yell, beg, manipulate or demand, the bottom line is...it’s still control.

The problem with controlling others is it’s an illusion.  There is no way you can control another person.  Ultimately, other people get the final say in what they choose to do or not do.  Your need to control others is a total waste of time.  Controlling others is also incredibly dysfunctional. 

Answer the questions below honestly to see if you struggle with control:
1.    Do you demand that your partner put the kids to bed your way, at the time you specify, with little to no exceptions? 
2.    Do you tell your partner, children or friends how to dress? 
3.    Do the people in your house need to load the dishwasher, clean the floors or wash the counter tops a certain way? 
4.    Do you not trust the father of your children to be alone with them unless you’re there to manage how he cares for them? 

Continue reading "Women And Control: Are You Trying to Micromanage The World So You Don’t Feel So Anxious?" »

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