Women and Friendship: Building the Foundation (Part II)

I recently wrote a post on women and friendship—here is Part II to that post.  Enjoy.

Below are the three remaining rules of engagement when it comes to creating healthy friendships:

1.    Be supportive not competitive.  A true friend celebrates another friend’s success.  Women continually try to downplay their successes with one another so other women don’t feel upset or jealous.  Downplaying your success is crazy.  Be proud of each other and encourage one another to go even further.
2.    Hands off significant others.  Although this should go without saying, I’m going to say it anyway.  Stay away from your friend’s partner.  I’m shocked at how many “best friends” have had affairs with their friend’s spouse.  Really?  Do not play with fire when it comes to your friend’s partner.  Don’t flirt, don’t cry on their shoulder, don’t listen to the partner complain about your friend.  And if you hear or see that your friend’s partner is seeing someone else—your loyalty is to your friend—tell her!
3.    Be the friend you wish to have.  Friendships are a balance of give and take so be sure that you are neither always giving nor always taking.  Ask for help when you need it and offer help when you know they need it.

In general, creating healthy friendships requires healthy people.  Pay attention to whom you hang out with and be sure that they are building you up, not tearing you down.  Make sure you are doing the same for them.  A friend is someone you can count on to lovingly give you the truth (even if it hurts), proudly cheer your successes on (even if she hasn’t been as successful) and gives you advice that’s in your best interest (even if she doesn’t follow it herself). 

Be the friend you wish to be with and hold your friends to the same level of expectation.

Challenge: Take an honest look at yourself and your friendships and see what you notice.  Look at the list above, choose one tip to incorporate that you think will help in your friendships and ask your friends to do the same. 

Women and Success: Are You Courageous Enough?

 As I watch my daughter navigate the minefields of Junior High, I am struck by the level of competitiveness among the girls.  Although they were once great friends, it seems that hormones and boys have kicked things up quite a bit.  Many girls are now struggling to find their place.  And if they have to step on Sally, Mary or Sarah on their way to finding the place they want in Junior High, then that is acceptable to them.  In fact, stepping on others during the journey is even better if it means the other girls have to take a spot “below” them.  What better way to show the world how great they are?

I wish I could say this cutthroat behavior is developmental and most girls grow out of it, but unfortunately that is not the case.  Most girls grow up to be women who continue to vie for the attention of men and a place at the top of the popularity pyramid.  Not surprisingly, the women who fought the most to get men’s attention and be the most popular often turn out to be the unhappiest.  In their struggle to get to the top, they lost too much of themselves along the way.

Too often, we women, are our own worst enemies.  We continually look for validation of our worth outside of ourselves.  In this hunt for validation, we end up stepping on the very women for whom we should be cheering.  Until women can see one another as a blessing in our lives, rather than a threat to our existence, we will continue to keep women kind down. 

I challenge women to dare to change the way we interact, dare to find ourselves without squashing others and dare to stand in unity rather than isolation from one another. Living with courage looks like:
•    Owning our successes.  Too many of us downplay our successes so others don’t feel bad, threatened or jealous in our presence.  We simply don’t want to be too big for our britches.  This is crazy thinking.  Be proud, be excited and celebrate your successes.  As long as you do so “cleanly” -- without trying to prove you’re better than others—you’re good.
•    Supporting the successes of other women.  Celebrating the successes of other women is just as important as celebrating your own.  Encourage, support, compliment, share ideas; don’t sabotage, criticize or minimize the success of another.
•    Cherishing our families and the families of fellow women.  Refuse to take another woman’s man under any circumstances.  When women have affairs they burn their own house down as well as the house of another.  You deserve better, your family deserves better and other women deserve better. 
•    Honoring the humanity of other women.  Refuse to gossip about, condemn or diminish another woman in your words or actions.  You can set a limit, tell them you’re upset and hold them accountable when necessary, without trying to diminish their spirit or sense of worth. 
•    Treat other women as you would have other women treat you.  Period.

There is too much back-stabbing, gossip and general hurtful treatment going on among women.  This type of treatment is hurting all of us.  If we continue to struggle to treat one another well, our daughters will struggle to find their ways, men will continue to take advantage of our competition and we will continue to lose ourselves.  We are stronger together than any one of us could possibly be alone.  I challenge all of us to find the courage to stand in unison, have each other’s backs and dare to encourage one another to be all we can be.

Challenge: Get conscious.  Pay attention to all the ways you hear yourself and other women keep one another down.  Stop yourself when you’re aware of doing this and speak to others when you see them do it.  Feel the internal shift in you that happens as a result.

Women And Friendship: What Is A True Friend?

At their best, friendships are a gift.  They’re supportive, honest, uplifting and sometimes they can even be a lifesaver.  There’s nothing like having a close friend to rely on, get advice from, shed our tears with and share our trials and tribulations with.  A healthy friendship can often be our anchor in a storm. 

Not all friendships are healthy, though, and not all friends can be relied on.

The trick is to know what’s a healthy friendship and what’s not.  Just because we spend time with someone doesn’t mean we’re friends.  Just because we talk to someone often, doesn’t mean we’re friends.  And just because we share our secrets with someone does not mean we’re friends.  We may be acquaintances, we may be neighbors and we may be co-workers, but not necessarily “friends.”

I’ve seen too many unhealthy friendships wreak havoc in the lives of women.  Too many women have stolen, slept with or had an ongoing affair with their “best” friend’s lover.  Too many women are bad-mouthing their friends in anger or in an effort to be in the “in” crowd of other friends.  Too many friendships are one-sided -- where one person is always doing for the other, yet the other person seldom returns the favor.  And too many women are sabotaging the success of other women with whom they claim to be friends.  True friends -- healthy friends -- don’t sabotage.  Healthy friendships are nourishing, not hurtful.